creepy tv

okay, this is just getting creepy. i just saw the movie 'friends with benefits' on tv, where she says she wants her life to be like a movie, and now i'm watching... i don't know what show, probly 'how i met your mother', or something. but they were just talking about one of the girls was a stalker, she liked some guy and got a little obsessed. but it's freaky, because i also liked some other movie that commented on that, like bruce almighty, or something, about how when you're thinking of the one you love, in all these movies, that all the worst possible songs or shows come on the tv. well, now, what the fuck, the movie was already a little much, but then the show. and they just said 'when you want to be with the one you love, it's just fate', or whatever cheesy popular line, but this is a little funny. i want her back so bad i can taste it, but torturing me with the tv, come on. i know she has to come back, but don't fuckin' tease me with it, i am hurting. and i posted this one right at six:twelve. i also didn't get to say yet, that i saw a blue buggy car in the codac parking lot with a license plate that said 'mt lmn'. if that's not a direct sign from god to keep hoping, i'll never know what is.

alien nation

i've never been so lonely. i was messing around with my google hangouts. there's only two people on there, perry and andy, and neither of them will respond, so i went to google plus to look for people i know, and i thought about it for a few minutes, and i thought... hmm... who in my life would i want to reach out to, that has never been an asshole to me. and i can't remember a damn friend who was never an asshole to me in some way or another. i also don't know anyone who's ever said 'i'm always there for you if you need me'. no one who would have google thumbs installed anyway. and i do mean only people i think are still in tucson. how the fuck do i even find people, i don't even remember anyone's names anymore, my memory has been too fucked lately. how the fuck do i contact anyone. we're an alien planet. we can't even find eachother on google. who have i known that hasn't been a dick. or has liked good music.

just fucking mean

god, you fucking assholes! i just went to eviction court today, and they said i could keep my apartment. so, since i've been home today, i've gone to the office three times, to see what they would like me to do. the first two times, they just scattered, and left me standing there waiting. this third time, i ask her, what would you like me to do. and she mumbles something, and then says 'well, you can hand in your key, or wait till we set your shyt outside'. i said 'what'. she says 'you went to court today', and i said 'yeah, and they told me i could keep my apartment and pay you'. she says 'oh, well', and something else, but i kinda went blank at that point, and just walked back here. that was not fucking funny, you fucking pricks! i know you hate me, but do you have to make it so miserably fucking obvious! you fucking assholes. i can't take this anymore, they all treat me like shyt, everyone in this fucking town, and they look down at me. i fucking hate you.

the dreamer society

i am so syck of feeling so goddamned ignored, neglected. unfuckingheard. i'm syck of it. there's no excuse, it's other adult's responsibility to fucking listen, and i live in a world of no adults. i'm fucking syck of this.

i constantly feel like i'm in everyone's way, and taking up way too much of their time. i feel so neglected, ignored, interrupted, like i shouldn't be there. and i should know better than to try and bum a cigarette, i need my wife to do that, i'm too retarded.

what the fuck is wrong with all you people. this world is a fucking joke.

i'm crying out, and you think i'm a boy crying wolf, acting like you've heard it before. like it's all you hear because that's the reality show channel of your choice. grow the fuck up already. there's a world of possibilities out there.

i feel so fucking nonexistent.

i was hoping to get to finish my story, cause i never have enuph time to tell anyone who cares. i can't fit it into their business schedule. but if i had ever had a fuckin' shot, any chance given to me, i would have succeeded at so much more.

but who can exist on such a limited fuel supply. i'm suckin' drops out of a hose, and it's getting me nowhere, it's more pain than it's worth. it causes more pain than it fixes.

but i've never been given a break in this life, i've had to do ten times the labor just for a day, and then i never get to appreciate that day. that's not fair to anyone, but for some reason, everything thinks it's fine for me.

i'm so syck of being told to just 'do it yourself', that's all anyone can ever tell me, is when i'm crying out for help, 'help yourself', that's all i get. and whatever help they do offer, is so fucking limited, what's the point. no one has time to listen to my story, no one has the ability to help, but if i had a chance right now, i could fucking succeed. if i had the slightest bit of help.

i need to get perry and i as much mental help as possible.
it's impossible to get our prescriptions because we don't have a car to travel all over town looking for the one pharmacy who might give us our pills.
we need help paying rent tmrw, because i don't know where she is.
she has a legal obligation to the apartment, but no one cares what 'legal' means anymore.
and why should we have any responsibility, there are no consequences in this life, do whatever you want.

we need our medications, and we need some transportation who's patient enuph to help us actually succeed at getting them, and not just limited help.
we need to see our doctors, which is easy enuph for us to do, we live right across the street.

no one ever believes us when we keep trying to tell them, even doctors, that it's not easy for us to do shyt ourselves, we need major help.

and i just need a fucking haircut. that's all i'm asking for out of this mess, the rest is just the bare minimum required to live at this point. i don't get any priorities anymore.

i don't eat much anymore.
i don't sleep much anymore.
i don't dream much anymore.
i don't smile much anymore.

my money is in the bank right now, but for some reason, this new year, it feels more useless than ever before.

anyway, you mentioned something about the wealthiest man you know. i was hoping i could get on his good side and owe him alot. i need someone's help, or perry and i will not survive this fuckup of hers. she never knows how destructive she is, or how immature she's acting when she wants her way. she gets her fuckin' way, though. even if it breaks my heart and destroys my life. she'll get whatever is momentarily important to her. that's one thing that can be said toward her advantage, she's fucking determined, if she wants something, she'll get it.

but i need some serious help, from someone who's actually willing and able to help, and i'm sure you know more people than i do. food boxes just won't cut it right now.

if i don't have perry's money by tmrw morning, and have her onboard, and her payee, which we should have accomplished yesterday or the day before, the failure days.
we need a lawyer in order to get my cat back, and the rest of our crap from people who there is no talking to, or reasoning with. there's no functional logic on that side of town.
if i don't have perry's money by tmrw, then i need at least three hundred just to make rent. we still have no food, not enuph dishes, and half the food we have needs more food to cook it.
i need to get my cat back, i need a haircut, i've been needing a hand mirror, but that's never anyone else's fucking priority. i just do not matter to anyone, and i'm syck of it.
if i don't matter, then why the fuck am i still here, why the fuck won't you excusefinding children let me fucking go, this life doesn't matter, stop making such illogical rules to imprison me.
i don't know what else to do, i'm fucked, the apartments already want us gone, despite their 'second chance' clause.

but you know, i have bigger dreams than this, i know no one thinks so, but i have bigger fucking dreams than this, and i will make them happen someday. this medial shyt truly does not matter, and i will fucking show you, i will prove it to you, because that's more worth my time here than any of this juvenile shyt.

i want to start the john lennon society. my people have been persecuted for long enuph. oppressed. suppressed. whatever word you choose. silenced.

i want to create the dreamer society, for people like me. admirers of john lennon, gandhi, those kinda dudes. logical people, whose religion doesn't need to be anything other than logic. people who are true humans, honest, hard working, selfless people, who are not greedy, have no reason to be, not selfish.

people who are fans of nudity, and logic, and not fans of authority and pointless shyt like money and poverty.

the dreamers out there.
the peaceful people.

if you smoke pot, you should be able to be heard.
if you like to walk around naked, you should be heard.
if you hate money, your voice should be heard.

my cult has it all. we have a suicide clause that says if we can't have our freedoms, go ahead and kill us all, because it basically proves our point to anyone who's actually responsible enuph to listen.
we're a full fledged fully formed religion, our religion is logic, so it needs no rule book. it's common fucking sense. i want to bring john lennon back. and to do so, i need to take bill hicks' approach. the people who hate people party. we get to vote, we get to be treated as any other political person with too much ego and too much money. we get our say in the government and religion.

we stand up for ourselves. we unite. we realize how many of us there are. and we make them realize how many of us there are. there are enuph of us to be heard. that's all we need.

it's time to get my people together. so we can stand up and demand our rights. because we've been getting no rights. we've been feeling excluded and ignored. shoved off to the side.

the dreamer society.

kinda like the dead poets society, only... not dead.

but those same kind of people.

all those people. liberal voters, openminded readers, people who religion and government just don't matter much to them, there are more important things in this world, like love and art. come on, lunatic fringe, i know you're out there. and i know there are more of you than this. come on, speak up, fuck your twitter and your facebook, speak up and talk to me. join a cause that's finally for you, cause someone is brave enuph to put it out there.

people who hate people, come together! now! you don't have much choice.

if you want to keep existing in this stagnant festering swamp of the human intellect, that makes us look like the virus we are, if you want to do something about that, and make life better,

your chance is here. don't let it pass by.

we finally get to demand our rights. if we want to relax our laws, because it's not that harmful for us to walk around naked and smoke pot.

oh, yeah, and we also have what i like to call, a 'trauma allowance'. that means if you're walking around naked and doing something only safe in our laws, and you actually do something harmful to another human of a different rulebook, you can just say sorry, and get away with it, because you have already been traumatized by those assholes in the first place, and that's why we're getting cuntrol of it by doing this whole fuckin' thing. it's a fabulous point, isn't it.

so we have the trauma allowance, we have the suicide clause, we finally get our political voice, as well as our religious recognition. we have our religious sacraments, which are nudity and pot, and marijuana is mandatory for all of our people. people of our faith, which is logic, but that's the only way to translate it for the fictionally addicted minds on the other side.

but i'm syck of feeling alone. i know there are more people like me out there. which site do i need to post this on to catch your eyes. cause i'm being bold, i'm posting this everywhere i can. i've already gotten a ghost's answer from my other posts on the internet, but i know the internet is not dead, it is not a ghost, it still breathes and has potential.

i'm about to tickle that potential in its pink spot, and get it revved up this morning, cause we've got a big day ahead of us. we're finally achieving adulthood in our own religion. in our god's eyes.

we don't need your god. okay, get that thru your head, we do not need your god, we no longer need your stories, your fiction, we don't need your god, we have a legitimate one of our own now, thank you. we have just as much right to convert you as you do us. so please, keep your god in your mouth, finally, i'm tired of hearing about an imaginary man who never really helps unless it's in someone's delusion. or in the past. are you getting it yet. my god will save me just as much as yours will, so why switch. please, could someone think logically about this, and answer me like an adult. please, i'd really like to be acknowledged that i'm even talking, afterall, it's about time i get my fair share of the microphone.

yeah, you didn't realize you had some competition, did you. you thought you were lars fucking ulrich, didn't you.

yeah, as it turns out, there is another god out there, a more peaceful, logical, loving, caring god.

so that's it. i'm starting the dreamer society.

all dreamers. all fans of john lennon. gandhi. buddha. bill hicks. any of the visionaries who have illuminated the path leading us here. if we want to keep our dead heroes alive, this is what we have to do, it is our responsibility to take the responsibility upon ourselves to make our own voices heard, and to do that, we have to stand up and speak even when there's no one listening.

i'm a dreamer. and right now, i'm going to prove that i'm not the only one. if only someone would listen, and i wasn't so fucking ignored and neglected. always in the way.

i know that i'm still not as much of a waste of life as you are. i have ambition. inspiration. motivation. the will to succeed, and the drive to be better than you.

on this mission, i will not fail. that is, unless you all show how irresponsible you are. as a human species that inhabits this planet, as the planet if you deserve to live here.

i feel so lonely.
i am so alone.

even my wife hates me.
i spent new years eve alone.
and no one cares.
this world is too sad.
would john lennon want to live here.
a world where you're a criminal if you dream.
well, i know they kill dreamers, but i still dare to dream.
because it's our only hope at this point.
for redemption.

fuck retaliation and all that other horseshyt.
if we want to be seen as adults, we only have one priority.
redeem ourselves.

there is no salvation, there is no retribution, there's no other crap to worry about. we just have to redeem ourselves.

i'm not just starting a new religion. i'm not just starting a cult. and i'm not just starting my own tiny unheard little political party. i'm bringing the congregation together, which is the clue they should have gotten long ago. no more segregation of great minds. if they think alike, then put them in the same fuckin' room, cause we need more of them thinking together.

duh.

does that make sense to anyone else.

or am i really the only dreamer left.

come on, have some balls, stand up and shout like you mean it.

smile and feel alive when you get the mayonnaise out of your bloodstream, be proud, it's a good thing. take a breath, and also enjoy it. it's not evil to feel human, they just made you think that way by holding the wrong god over your head. you can be an adult, you can make your own choices, they never took that from you, you just handed it over in exchange for a cookie. get it back.