fuck this day

i fucking hate my life. i hate this fucking day. when will this day end? this same boring fucking day. every fucking day. when will i finally meet the people i need to fucking meet? where the fuck are they? if not here or online, where!? goddamnit.

people keep using the word 'manifest', and saying 'just ask the universe for what you need'. not realizing that i have tried that over a thousand times in my life, i owned the 'secret' dvd, i have tried this shit. i keep trying to ask people if i'm too much of a scientist for this metaphysical crap to work on me, am i too much of a skeptic, and where the fuck are the people who have watched penn and teller bullshit? do they exist? i know they're not in a fucking starbucks right now! mutherfuck! i do not understand what the fuck you mean when you tell me to 'just ask the universe', yeah, it doesn't answer. no god up there, no ancient spirits, no ghosts, no aliens, no one can fucking hear my voice, not even on this planet where everyone just talks over me, and won't let me finish the fucking sentence! i'm real fuckin' sick of that! keep fuckin' talkin' over me! i love that, it makes me want to live another day! you sick, stupid fucks. goddamnit, how many days am i going to have to rant about this same fucking thing, layering trauma over trauma, fields of triggers in my mind, yeah, thanks.

since these people do not understand yet that i have yet to receive anything i've asked for, i've had to work my ass off for the minimal things i did have, and when they were taken away, it didn't matter for shit to anyone, because i earned it all alone! does that not make sense to anyone else? seriously! if you don't understand that, stop reading now, so i can weed out the idiots, and start finding the people who fucking understand me already! i'm sick of running into consumer clones with heads full of product beliefs and they're completely unaware of it, in denial, yeah, i'm done conversing with you! you are a moron! get the fuck away from me! i've posted about a thousand blogs clearly stating, simpler and simpler, what it is i'm asking for in this life, in this world, what i'd like to see happen. it does not happen. i don't want to live in your delusion. i have well contemplated the pathway out of this, the only one i think will work. i see it. i just need people. would that not otherwise be the mutherfucking solution! am i insane? 'no, just keep living this life alone, fuck you'. how the fuck do i not translate? what the fuck planet am i on? is this seriously happening? why the fuck are you not suicidal? being suicidal should be a healthy indicator of sanity right now, we should be held in high regard, like kings. 'this guy's suicidal? fuck it, put him at the front of the line'. 'hail to you, sir! get us the fuck out of this apathetic mess, would ya?'.

what the fuck do i need to say, that i haven't already said? what the fuck 'cube' puzzle twist am i stuck in? what retard has to say 'two' for me to get out of this nightmare? have i not made it clear enough yet? who the fuck is listening yet? anyone? am i lost?

i listen to songs like 'we are the others' by delain. 'imperium' by machine head. 'rise rebel resist' by otep. and i know i'm not alone. 'x' by hellyeah. hellyeah should be like a codeword, and as much as i hear the stupid codewords for the stupid drugs, should i not once in a while hear 'hellyeah', and find another open eye? what the fuck is going on here? what delusion is this? and how fucking evil and cruel are you people? you're mannequins! that's all you are! i give a fuck what choices you've made, they will never be mine! will you never understand that! if not, more proof you're a clone! you idiot! you're impervious to believing the truth, and it's nothing to be proud of, but you're fuckin' retardedly proud of it! live that same day like you paid for it.

is it not obvious to anyone else.

i sit here looking out the starfucks window. all i see are plastic people buying products. downtown seattle. the 'financial district'. expensive hotels, shopping stores, clothing... starfucks on every corner... and no one else can see it. consumers existing in a perpetual moment like they think they're allowed to, like physics finally said 'okay, let satan through the earth, i'm takin' a holiday'. okay, so now we have overcloned morons dragging pants on the ground. popular everything. what's trending, what's in style, what's on twitter, how informed are you, and we think we're informed by what's on twitter, like it depends on whether or not we follow the right celebrities. have i lost you?

were there too many words in that last sentence?

hemorrhages take the door on the left, aneurysms take the door on the right... i'm stuck in a perpetual delusion with both of you. well, hoo fuckin' ray. bet you're proud.

my mom's making guns out of clouds right now.

and laughing at jokes.

a clear indicator of sanity in a world where someone had to point out that it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. hmm, just think about that for a ponder. hmm.

am i losing you? are we on the same... blog? hello?

okay, time number four thousand five hundred and fuck it i lost count, dear lord slash universe aka aliens and ghosts and other consciousnesses and spirits that might hear me... if you haven't read the story of when i was eight years old and my grandmother was screaming at my mother yet, then you are officially uninformed stepping into my lair, so beware... you know, for people who don't yet get that there's no fucking god up there, no voice talkin' back to ya, you're clinically insane and working a job... which... to me, those go hand in hand, but that's the delusion you support, so why would you take an opposing perspective of it, even for a second? that's called faith, and they sell that in stores, too, but you wouldn't know that, so, moving on! okay! bright smiles and redheads, yes, sir!

i know there's no voice listening, because i have done what these idiots keep telling me... it does not work for me, i have my proof, how do i convey that part of the conversation to get it to move forward from there? but anyway. just for the purpose of demonstrating to you, the unreader, yet again...

this is what i'd like to find in this world. okay? are you ready? paying complete attention? need a drumroll? jellyroll? cheese danish? okay, pay attention! ready?

here's what i'm looking for... oh, and, a warning ahead of time... each of these things is very offensive to the american public society, so... yeah, i get who i'm talking to here, don't act like i don't know again, i'm getting sick of that one, too. like you know me so well. i think three blogs proves otherwise just as a fact on its own, without them being read or not, let alone understood, but you get it. anyway.

in this world... in this moment... in my life... oh, and for even better clarification, i'll start with what i don't want, how about that? here's what i don't want. starbucks. money. anything popular. clones. credit cards. capitalism. consumers. cops. justin fuckin' beiber. .................... okay? okay.

hopefully you're on board.

in a world full of twitterstarfucksclones who get high and satiated on whatever's popular and plastic, and who live by strict rules out of fear, and always wear clothing in public... yeah, okay... this is what i'm looking for... i know this comes as a shock to you, but shock value is a kink for me... ready? paying attention? still on board? okay, i'd like to be around naked people who aren't afraid to touch eachother. people who think monogamy is for cowards. people who like heavy metal. people who only use psychedelics. and people who understand where their thumbs come from. the purpose for the thumb is to oppose. well, shit, i can oppose something now? and i can pick stuff up! groovy. oh, look at that, i can light a fuckin' cigarette, too! fuckin' awesome! now just start crankin' out lungs out of assembly lines, and we'll be good to go. oh, wait, i think i lost you. are you confused?

here, this is as simply as i have managed to put it so far.

my interests are strictly as follows: evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, nudity. especially blending them together. naked metalheads on shrooms, basically. the rest just comes naturally.

does no one else see what i see?

cause i think they call it utopia, but it's not on google maps. but i see it when i close these two eyes. naked metalheads in a forest. big fuckin' speakers growing out of the earth. y'all seriously don't see that? am i really the only one? cause john lennon fuckin' sang about it, you guys don't have that on itunes? well, then that's the problem with itunes, they shove minimum down your throat, and you have no clue who john lennon was. and you don't think that's a problem? how do you think you could have been misled in the first place? you bought a product in a store, didn't you? let me guess, you were a kid. see, indoctrination starts early, but oh, you managed to avoid it? you remained immune and unaffected? then why don't you know who terence mckenna was? yeah.

okay, see, that's why i'm not getting anywhere. let me slow this down for you.

my interests are:

evolution.
psychedelics.
metal.
comedy.
nudity.

not videogames.
not anime.
not bad drugs.
not coffee.
not money.
certainly not fuckin' trump.

okay?

are you up to speed now?

okay. wonderful. so... now... where do i find naked metalheads in shroomland?

or...

how do i find the metalheads...

get them naked...

and design shroomland aka utopia together?

any ideas?

oh, i forget, you haven't been contemplating this for the last ten years.

okay, i have tried internet. internet does not work. i get nothing but automated emails.

i have traveled through four major cities on this coast. talking to tourists does nothing.

what am i doing wrong?
what am i not doing?
who should i talk to?
what is their number?

libraries don't have this information.
libraries should have this information.

should they not?

am i insane, or are you insane?

what if we ask a psychiatrist?

what if we made it interesting?

if you're sane, i'll spend the rest of my life as your personal slave.

if i'm sane...

hmm...

so... do we have an understanding yet?

anything your world advertises on television, i don't want. okay?

the things i do want, are, again, evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, nudity.

say it with me, and try to memorize the words, there are only five of them.

say them with me, evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, nudity.

okay. anyone not understand that? raise your hand.

okay then. this is your brain on that concept. any questions?

okay, so, if anyone tells me again that i haven't asked the universe for what i want... someone just text them the link to this blog, okay? this particular post, shouldn't be too hard to find, have it saved in google notes, and just auto send text... i'm sure you can figure that out, just google it. so now hopefully it's understood, that when i ask, there's nothing there to answer me. because it has yet to happen. and i have to make it happen my damn self, but self can only accomplish so much until others are required.

does everyone finally have a good understanding of that?

okay then. class dismissed.

i hate my fucking life.
i miss my mom.