malfunctional

you want to know what gets me fucking hopeless? i made a bunch of phone calls today, including path with art. got me fucking nowhere, as usual. i'm sitting in the park trying to do something on my phone, it just dies. so i come to starbucks to finish what i was doing and charge up, and try doing more searches for easier ways to change my desktop wallpaper. i have been doing this search occasionally for the last couple years. every time i try, every search turns up fruitless. meaning there are no legitimate easier ways to change your wallpaper other than right clicking your desktop and selecting next desktop background, which i'm fucking sick of doing. all the other programs i've tried, some features they have, others they don't. like john's background switcher, you can't select an option to display the pictures in order, it's only random. so, for two years now, i've been searching for a button i can click, a hotkey, anything. searching for the settings i like. i even typed up in a notepad, all my ideas for a simple wallpaper switching program, but i can't even find anyone to help me program it. how fucking hopeless does this world have to get. i tried talking to dana today about utopia... again... she seems to refuse to understand what i'm saying about it. i still can't find a button i can click, or a hotkey i can press, to change my fucking wallpapers, how the fuck do i expect to build utopia when no one gives half a human fuck! i can't accomplish anything because i'm waiting for anyone to give a fuck! and they keep promoting loneliness to me, saying 'you can do it yourself'.

i'm wanting to put a bullet through my fucking head. i'm wanting to stab my fucking heart.

why does everything have to be this fucking difficult?
why does everything take this much fucking effort?
and why do i still deserve no fucking friend?

i can't meet anyone who's worthwhile, capable, coherent. and not too busy doing their own shit. i can't keep living on this stupid planet. stagnant, suffocating fucking delusion.

i keep asking david if he has any ideas. knowing that everything i say to him is going in one ear and out the other. the best reaction i can get out of him is the most i've ever gotten out of most of my friends, mumbles, groans, unintelligible grunts, and the occasional 'yeah'. the rest of the time, i question whether he's awake. james keeps trying to tell me to 'go with the flow, stop resisting, learn to accept everything', which i still refuse to do. if anyone's ever going to get to know me that well.

joe, ben, and rex are always too busy living their ultraimportant lives, as well as peggy and beverly. i can't expect anyone to call me. ever. some great fucking friends i have. this is the best i can ever manage to get. lazy, worthless, useless fucking friends who are too busy doing nothing to reap the benefits and be able to spend any spare time with an actual friend, and if they do get that spare time, they certainly never spend it with me, cause there's more important friends to be had!

fuck you all.

you will never hear me, but fuck you all.

i don't know why i've wasted twenty years on naysayers. weaklings. cowards.

and why the fuck do they gravitate toward me, why the fuck do you want to be my friends, when we share absolutely nothing, no interest whatsoever!

how many incoherent neanderthals are going to call me a nigger!
how many men do i have to tell to stop calling me bro!
how many friends are never going to have the time to watch zeitgeist with me!
to understand square fuckin' one of what the fuck i'm ever talking about!

to be in my vicinity, you must have seen zeitgeist, dmt the spirit molecule, american drug war the last white hope, american the bill hicks story, alex jones, idiocracy, lucy, limitless, in time, naked news, fight club, the matrix, christopher titus, penn and teller bullshit, and you have to know what machine head is saying in at least one fucking song, name a goddamn song title to me at the very fucking least, you worthless fucking people! make the effort to read my fucking blog, find a poem and call it a favourite, make the effort to let me know, fucking do something an actual authentic friend would fucking do! make some goddamn effort! declare yourself my fucking friend! know who's friend you are! make a fucking choice! grow some fucking balls! pick a fucking side!

to be my friend, you have to share one of these five interests: evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, nudity. and the optional sixth interest: anarchy (which should go without saying if you understand the first five, they weed out all the opposing idiocy rather well).

i'll repeat that for the extra stupid morons that can't get it the first time.

don't call me nigger. don't call me bro. watch zeitgeist. inform yourself. it's not my job to inform you. i've done that enough with nothing to show for it. and if you're going to call yourself my friend, you must share at least one of these five interests:

evolution
psychedelics
heavy fucking metal
comedy, humour, passion
and fucking nudity! fearlessness! rebellion! dissent! resistance! deviance! defiance!

which should pretty much cut out religion, superstition, tradition, paranoia, money, authority, rap music, and everything i hate. which... you know... i've tried to simplify it, but no one's fucking listening...

anything having to do with utopia, i.e. peace, love, harmony, equality... you get it.

and what we're rejecting is everything that's rejected us for generations, i.e.

corruption, fascism, tyranny, capitalism, consumerism, religion, monopoly, monogamy, excuses... etc, etc, etc... et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on for ever for all eternity until the supposed end of fucking time, but i just think it's the end of idiocy, and idiocy is too stupid to know, but it certainly ain't gonna see past its own demise, get it?

i can't keep being ignored like this. where the fuck can i go.

i know there's someone out there waiting to talk to me.

she's female. she likes evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, and nudity.
she's seen zeitgeist, dmt, american drug war, and bill hicks documentary.
she loves christopher titus and penn and teller bullshit, as well as marvel's agents of shield.

which, i can't even get any of my friends to share that as an interest of mine. that's just a choice on netflix. fucking entertainment. i can't make a friend who even likes that show, but every godfucking one of you has to be obsessed with game of fuckin' thrones.

when there are no thrones, we can all live like kings.

so... dear friends, future friends, and potential friends...

the first thing you should know about me is that i don't do anything popular. there's a big flaming fucking reason for that. burning like a fuckin' hemorrhoid.

the second thing you should know about me, and truly understand, is that if you're not a high enough calibre functional and coherent human to be my friend... we're knockin' your ass off the bulldozer. sorry.

pick up one of my interests to talk to me about, or find a better friend.

you can call me an asshole all you want, and let me ruin your day...

but i'm the asshole who's gonna build utopia without you.

i don't tolerate weakness. i don't tolerate excuses. i don't tolerate fears.

and i certainly don't tolerate naysayers. you people need to figure out that i'm not your fuckin' friend. i certainly don't support your excuses, and i'm damn sure not your enabler.

there are two types of people on this planet right now.

those who dislike what they see around them and want change...

and those who 'surrender to the flow', and accept defeat.

they'll tell you you can't change anything.

they're really just meaning to say that into a mirror, they don't realize they're your delusion and that they're saying it to a real live human. is a clone aware that they're a clone?

is a weakling able to admit that they're weak?

i can change this world.
i will change this world.
i must change this world.
i can't not change this world.

i have to carve my path. whether people are in the way or not.

to quote devin townsend, another favourite song of mine you have no clue about...

i warned you.