to carol; intolerant to fascism

i'm really sorry. i don't know who else to talk to. i don't even know what to say right now, my mind isn't working. i can't think. i woke up just before sunrise this morning, desperately needing a restroom. i'm never allowed to use a restroom. i'm too poor and stupid of a human to partake in such a fascist, selfish monetary society. i woke up, i had to drag the cart up to starbucks, cause no one else is ever there to watch it. i went into the burger king, to use their restroom. i asked the lady for a quarter for the restroom door. she says 'we don't have any'. as i tried to get more persistent, my mind got more foggy, so i can't remember most of what happened, but they stumbled over my 'intellectual supremacist' ptsd triggers like monkeys in a minefield. at one point, she just stood there staring at me with this smirk on her face. i told her i was about to have an accident on her floor. fucking selfish redheaded little bitch. she starts laughing at me.

it's too painful to remember the rest. all i know, is i want to walk in there with a shitload of homeless people, tie those cunts up to the fuckin' wall, and ask them on youtube, do you think it's funny to deprive another human of a restroom? do you think it's funny to make poor people pay you a fascist quarter to use a restroom, when you can't afford to fix your door lock, so every time i'm in there, people can just open the door, but i can never get it open? i'm sorry, was that question too long for your fucking five cent attention span? you have no idea the horrid fucking thoughts that are clustering and clogging and suffocating my mind right now. i cannot think. i cannot shit. i cannot get any part of this ball of cancer out of me before it fucking kills me. i'm never allowed to speak in this stupid fucking world. i'm never allowed to shit unless i do what your boss tells me. i'm sorry, i make a horrible slave, but damned if i have a way out!

i can't tell you how... dark... horrible... fucked up the thoughts in my head are right now. i have to wake up with this shit in my head, because i refuse to be a slave tool for a selfish system and a cloned zombie obedient society... i can't get this shit out of my fucking head! i can't make any worthwhile friends who can actually help! i cannot meet any competent people to build a way out of this! i can't meet anyone with an iq above the concrete. fuck, i can't even fucking type this morning! spent the last thirty seconds trying to delete the fucking v and replace it with a c! every fucking thing i ever try to do has to be this fucking difficult, my hands won't even behave when i need them, they won't do a fucking thing i tell them!

if my mother and i had a family crest, it would have etched on it, 'if you can't get it done right, do it your fuckin' self'.

i can't get a thought out of my head this morning because of the ptsd.
i feel so suffocated, i don't even have anything to smoke, no one to calm me down.
i've texted every fuckin' loser i know, no one will ever respond, cause i'm the only morning person on this pathetic fucking planet full of lazy hypocritical shits.
and i still haven't gotten this turd out of my fucking body.
yesterday, a bunch of dark black crap came out of me.
not just dark black. i wear black. this was galactic black.

and no one thinks there's a problem here yet.
no one thinks that just a little organization and cooperation could end this shit for good.

i want to put a knife through my throat.
i want to tear it through my wrists confidently.
i want to carve this pathetic meat sack off my soul so i can truly walk around naked.

i've never liked being this hateful.
i've never liked having so much irresponsible shit to hate.
i've never once wanted to be a part of this world.
to participate in your lunacy and excuses of childish fears.

i can't think.
i'm wanting to shove my mind into darkness.
to suffocate this delusion out of me.
to end.
to become the silence.
to think no more.

i ache for that.
i burn for that.
i live for that.

i can't get anything out of me. i'm simply not allowed.

so i'm truly asking you. i'm not being facetious, i'm not being hypothetical, i'm fucking asking.

should i just go ahead and kill myself?
is there any way out of this?
should i just slit my wrists and say goodbye?
i can't even cry anymore, it hurts too much.
i refuse to think, because every thought is wrong.
i can't resist the urge to stab people in the throat anymore.
i know i'm not healthy to be on the streets.
i don't want anyone to get hurt, but at the same time, i'd love to slaughter everyone.
i wish i could get a message out, film the destruction of fascism in burger king.
post a video to youtube telling the rich that poor people are fed up.
we're sick of this treatment that they call 'fair' when we know it's not.
we're sick of your fucking lies, your irresponsible blindness to the truth.
i see no way out of this ignorance, this suffocating irresponsibility.
should i just kill myself, and give the fuck up?
why have i put myself through this much hell, if this will never work?

i feel like such an ugly, useless piece of shit.
i once thought i had a purpose.
i once thought i had good ideas that might help people.
not even the poor people wanted to be helped.
i can't feel anything but pain.
physical, emotional, mental...
anguish, disgust, misery, agony...

i feel so sick.

this body is about to die anyway.
i couldn't find a doctor to care.
i can't get myself into the clinic.

i'm lost.
i truly don't know what to do.
my mother's dead.
the one person who would have been most proud of me.
the one person i could ask what to do.

the one person who would tell me...
'no, you shouldn't give up yet'.

fuck this.
fuck this fucking world.
i hate every fucking thing i see.
it hurts in a way i cannot explain.
even if i could, no one would care.
i refuse to be a part of an apathetic world.
i refuse to give a solution to a zombie nation.
i refuse to help these arrogant little shits.
these pukes who could never show me anything but hatred.
exclusion. degradation. humiliation.

i fucking hate too much.
it's gone beyond my limit.
now, i can't get the images of burning redhead burger king employees out of my mind.

snooty, snobby, stuffy, spoiled, selfish little cunts.

you think it's funny to deprive people of a restroom?
you think it's funny to laugh at poor people?
do you think that shit's funny?
cause if you do, you deserve to die.
that's just nature telling you you've been here too long.
you've been fucking things up and living for yourself for too long.

i cannot tell you...
i cannot put into words...
it hurts too much...
i cannot tell you how much my stomach hurts.

i would give anything...
i've already given everything...
i would still give anything...
for just one human...
to crawl out of this concrete hatred...
this festering stagnant stench of the human spirit...
this toxic, vile primordial pond of lies and delusion...
i would give anything...
for one person to drag me out of this...
this quicksand of human intellect...
compassion, sympathy, passion, acceptance, understanding...
i have nothing left...
i need a restroom.
i probly need an enema by now.
i could use a soft place to lay for a while.
i could use a hug. physical affection.
a touch reminding me i'm alive...
not as ugly as i think...

that will never happen.
so i'm asking you...
i'm asking the gods...
i'm asking a selfish, apathetic society...

should i end this fucking horrible joke?
there's no way out of this.
there's no chance at changing a fucking thing.
there's almost no reason left to improve my life.
there's surely no fucking purpose.

cops.
security guards.
harassment.
(when it should have been 'her ass meant...')...
hatred.
apathy.
television.

the super rich, every day, live in luxury, laughing at themselves with golf claps.
while poor people wake up on concrete, being harassed by cops every morning.
and no one else thinks that's about as sick and wrong as you can get on this planet.

so i either want help changing this shit...
or i want to die.

i'm so far beyond fed up with this shit...
i'm thirty years beyond fed up with this shit...
i'm so sick of concrete and credit cards...
i'm thirty miles past suicidal...
my heart has no poetry left...
no one will ever appreciate my words anyway...
i'm never allowed to be heard...

people don't have to listen because their god gave them free will...
you could use it to free willy at this point...
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your lawyer's desk? will.
my mother never needed a will... she had nothing to leave behind but pain.
she was shown a fair time on this planet, wasn't she?
who here would like to justify that my mother's life was fair?
who here would like me to slit their fucking throat this morning?
who here can i make an example out of?

since i can't burn down burger king...
and i can't get this clusterfuck of cancerous death out of my head, heart, or stomach...
since there's no monetary way out of this with friends...
since no one would walk the pathway out of this that i create...

should i just kill myself?
should i just end it?
is there any point to even asking anyone?
should i buy an uzi and take out a few hundred rich people first?
my hope is gone.
it's turned into a festering ball of turd. not metaphorically, literally.
my heart's fucking dead.
the coldest, ugliest, most invisible heart on this planet.

all i ever fucking wanted was a hand on my fucking flesh.
that was too much to ask of this wonderful society of yours.

dear lord, please, get this hatred out of me.
i cannot breathe. i cannot think. i can't see through the tears. even if their metaphorical, too.

i can't breathe. i can't see my way out of this delusion. this lie.

this sad, pathetic fucking life.

complacence. incoherency. submissive, docile, apathetic masses. credit cards.
flesh replaced with plastic.
warmth replaced with price tags.
love replaced with excuses.

i can't tell you the things i want to do to that evil redhead cunt in burger king this morning.
i shouldn't even tell you that much, but i need some way to get it out of this prison head before it happens.

i truly believe that no one really understands me, or what i'm going through.
who i am as a person, who i am as an alien outside of your usual perspective.
how i'm able to be me while you're telling me persistently how to be you.

i have seven billion hateful delusions on this planet
lost in a haze of confusion and a blur of shiny products
bad drugs, horrible beliefs, ridiculous laws, irresponsibility
fascist finger pointing and chasing of meaningless shit
and i cannot get this prison out of my head...
nor can i get my head out of this prison...

there's no way.

too many porches and limousines in this town...
i can smell the plastic...

why i ever came here...
to start a metal band?...
i had a nice spot in seattle picked out where i could be left alone long enough to die.
to exit your lunacy without being held back.
to freely and fearlessly enter darkness.

like that time i walked into the ocean naked.

i felt that end calling, reaching out to me, with actual love and acceptance.

the last time i even thought of the word 'beckoning'.

the last time i felt wanted by a part of this earth.

the last time i could translate that to another set of human ears.

love.
acceptance.

these things do not exist anymore.
if they did, i would have found them by now.
i'm thirty seven years old.
there's no excuse for this.
and there's no reason to continue this lie.
trying to break free from a delusion in your own head.

there isn't a psychologist i could ask who's explored that theory yet.
freud and jung had to be the first because no one did it before them.
and no one's done it again since. and i'm ashamed of that.

i'm no piece of this world. i oppose it.

if i were a puzzle piece, i would have a billion different rainbow coloured sides, ten dimensional lines with a portal shift just to see it. and you're expecting me to fit my wonderful, beautiful alien sides into your stupid little plastic fuckin' puzzle of lunacy, and cancerous hatred...

inspire me.
motivate me.

beg me.

sell me.

sign me.

i still cannot get those images out of my mind.
knives through throats.
heads on counters.
flames.

and a youtube video.
remnants of sanity.

a message from poor people to the rich.
you keep harassing us and depriving us of restrooms...
just because we refuse to participate in your selfish, fascist society...

please... don't let me finish that sentence.
don't make me say what i never wanted to say.
i was betting on the more peaceful outcome this whole time.
you raped that away from me, and blamed me.

i honestly feel like this turd is going to kill this body soon.
how humiliating.

i can't open my eyes anymore.
all i see is pain.

'all i see is...
all i see is...
two white horses in a line...
two white horses in a line...
carry me to my burial ground...

some may say, this might be your last farewell ride'...

it literally feels like my heart won't let me inhale oxygen into my lungs anymore.
my heart itself, is too flooded with tears and pain, anger, hatred...
it's lost the will to let me breathe anymore.
it's time to shut this machine down. in one way or another.

there's no getting out of this.
there's no getting burger king to apologize for...

for what?

would they even know?
would they ever care.

a youtube video wouldn't make a big enough dent.
if i did it, they'd just demonize me and blame me.
i'd just be the next scapegoat on the assembly line.

one more terrorist to fuel their fascism.

there's no shoving an answer through the cnn toob.
there's no injecting a message into the mainstream ice cream american dream media vein.
there's no sticking a syringe into the television power cable.

'tv, what do i need?
tell me, who to believe?
what's the use of autonomy when a button does it all?
tv, what should i see?
tell me, who should i be?
let's do our mom a favour and drop a new god off a wall'

i feel so sick.
i can't tell you the ways i feel sick.
i don't think i could even start at the top and work my way down.
there's too much in my head, my neck will not pop, it's just constantly stiff.
i was this close to getting my van.
we got the letter mailed off for the birth certificate.
it sickens me to have to prove my identity to these fucks.
to verify who i am to people who do not care.
to etch my place in a world i fucking hate.
i cannot take this shit anymore.
my mind is falling apart.

i used to have intellect.
i used to have ideas.
i used to...

i used to be a lot of things.
not a one of them ever would have fit in this fucked puzzle.

i can't fucking think.
i can't even think of how to finish this properly, let alone apologize for it.
i fucking hate myself.

people kept telling me 'it's because you're unhappy with yourself'.

i tried to tell them a billion fucking times.

i love myself. it's you i hate. i have no problem with myself. i'm very happy with myself. but you have to constantly tell me how to dress, which job to get, and which television shows to watch so i can be just like you, when you're incapable of understanding that i refuse to be a clone, that's one of the reasons i've gotten so hateful, but damned if i could tell you that, but no, i'm very happy with myself, i love myself, simply because i'm not a clone of you, so please stop telling me it's because i hate myself, i do not buy into all that superstitious horse shit, i don't believe a fucking thing you tell me, nor will i ever, because i have no reason to, but go ahead and keep telling me how to dress and what job to get, because that's really going to make me happy, and going to make me love myself more. no, i'm asking to be loved by someone other than me, and i'm coming to find out that that's too much to ask of my fellow selfish humans on this planet, because all seven billion of you would rather chase after perfection, instead of just one of you breaking off from the herd to help this wounded calf get back to mommy, but go ahead and keep thinking you're right and i'm wrong, i don't have a clue what i'm talking about, because your words have been shoved down my throat for so many years, i couldn't possibly have formed my own fucking opinion, but no, i'm here to tell you, you're wrong, i love myself, it's you i hate because you can't afford to love me, you can't afford to take a brave stance on this selfish topic, and help one homeless person off the streets as a social experiment to see if it's worth doing, or to learn the purpose behind it, fuck no.

so i'll say it one more fucking time to people who can't afford to listen...

it's myself who i'm happy with.
it's myself who i love.
i'm very happy with myself.

at least i was when you were out of my life.

you are the people i hate.
you are the reason i hate.
your failure to understand this escalates the fact.
it is you i hate. because you show nothing but hate.
you ignore me walking down the street.
your eyes stay locked straight ahead.
your neck is well trained to be stiff.
the shinier the shoes, the stiffer the neck.

and you don't think there's anything wrong with that.
which makes me hate you more.
i could try to explain it to you till i'm black in the heart.

there's no point in making the point to you.
you refuse to eradicate yourselves off this planet.
you refuse to admit you're wrong and stumble into a volcano.

my eyes do nothing but shut these days.
my eyelids have never felt so heavy and hopeless.
i picture that scene from tom and jerry, where tom is trying to prop his eyes open with toothpicks to watch for the stupid mouse.

it would be too offensive to me to use that same metaphor for my heart.

i've locked up too much pain and hatred in my arsenal to use against you.

i don't know what to do with all this negativity you've given me.

you've shoved your hatred into my heart, and then you just blame me for it.
just like my grandmother. perfect little christian she was.

i'm starving.
i honestly... the only thing i can think of...
the only thing still in this mind right now...
i just want to walk out of this starbucks...
push my neck up against the wall by seven eleven...

and push on it so hard that it actually snaps.

to let these heavy eyes finally shut bravely.

that's what i think of your world.
but you'll never know that.
you'll never care.

just another fly turd on the newspaper, lost in the dust of history and hatred.

two hundred years from now, no one's ever going to say...
'gee, i wish that ozzy dude was still around, life would be a little better right now'...

no one will ever say...
'that weird trench coat guy had a good idea... too bad we never listened'...

this world will spiral into idiocracy, because i'm the only one trying to pull it out, to stop that from happening.

the rest of you purchase apathy with plastic credit card hearts of hatred like it's keeping you alive.

meanwhile, i can't shit.
i can't cry.
i can't smoke.
i can't sleep.
i can't think.
i can't pop my neck.
i can't be loved.
i can't be naked.
i can't stop using the word can't.

the more i try to stand, the more you kick me down...

just to get my id, first it was a birth certificate, then it was a name change document, then it was getting a notary to sign it, now it's waiting three weeks for you to get off your ass... obstacle after fucking obstacle, and that's your solution for this world!

if only i could show you how stupid you are.

it's worked so great for the last two hundred years, you must be so proud.

while you stand above the earth...

'the only solution i can see from my hell
is for your expensive heaven to fall'... (a poem i lost, called 'god's gravity').

someone get this shit out of my heart, head, and stomach, before it kills me.

please. i'll fucking pay you every dime i have, i'll give you my two fucking kids and all my writings, please, someone just get this cancer out of me! i can't stop screaming at people in the streets. do you think i ever wanted to look like that? do you think i ever wanted to hit backspace five hundred fucking times just to type the word 'think' properly!!!

i'm just waiting to design some better electronics, make some better music, and get a few better ideas out there for how society could get along and love eachother and unite as one collective under one decision...

that's never going to happen. the hypocrisy of it is precisely this...
how do i get your attention, in order to get your attention...

that's how you've set this world up, and you see nothing wrong with that.

the delusion of it, is this...

to get into that golden door... i need to already be you.

is that why the only thing you can say is 'you gotta dress better, you gotta clean this up'.

if one more person waves their finger at me in a circular motion, telling me 'you gotta clean this up'... they're going to die. and i'm not even apologizing. they're going to fucking die.

i've got a pen in my pocket because i'm a writer.
the pen has always been mightier than the sword, and i'd love to prove it with a historic reminder.
and i know just where your jugular is.

you educated the wrong fucking person.

yes, tell me one more time how i have to be just like you, cause i haven't heard it before.

they'll never understand...
i'm not looking to 'fit in' to their world...
i'm here to destroy the delusion suffocating true life from existing in harmony.

should i repeat that? maybe filter it through google translate?
hold your left eye and tell me if you see hieroglyphs.
your iq has to be this high to ride this ride.

sorry, you can't use my restroom.
i don't care that you're about to have an accident.
i don't care that you're too poor to work here.
i don't care that you're not worth my sympathy.
i don't get paid to care, so i don't have to care.
my boss doesn't tell me to care, so i don't have to care.

take your grande latte caramel macchiato and shove it securely up your selfish fucking ass.

...
well i woke up this mornin' on the wrong side of the concrete
and how i got to thinkin' about all those things you said
about all them hairy people, and how they make you sick
well if calling names kicks back you, then i hope this does the trick

cause i'm sick of your complaining about how many bills
and i'm sick of all your bitchin' 'bout your poodles and your pills
and i just can't see no humour about your way of life
and i think i can do more for you with this here fork and knife

so i called up my head shrinker, and i told him what i'd done
he said you best go on a diet, yeah, i hope you have some fun
and don't go burst a bubble on the rich folks who get rude
cause you won't get in no trouble when you eats that kinda food

now they're smokin' up their junk bonds, and then they go get stiff
and they're dancin' in their yacht club with muff and uncle biff
but there's one good thing that happens when you toss your pearls to swine
their attitudes may taste like shit, but they go real good with wine

believe in all the good things that money just can't buy
and you won't get no bellyache from eatin' humble pie
i believe in rags to riches, your inheritance won't last
so take your grey poupon my friend, and shove it up your ass!

...
there are a few songs i would like to cover, that i think need to be covered these days.

eat the rich, by aerosmith.
hey stoopid, by alice cooper.
simply irresistible, by robert palmer (for my wife).
i've always wanted to do a mystical version of 'ghost song' by the doors.

i hate my fucking life.

no, i should say that to where you can't misunderstand it.

i was okay with my life.
i hated your fucking world.

it says on my twitter...
when i'm stoned, i like my life.
when i'm sober, i hate your world.
is that clear enough yet?
can we end the debate and go home now?

please, help me. i hate prayer, there's nothing to pray to, but if you could send some actual telepathic positive energy my way, how many fucking attempts does it take to type the word positive correctly!!! get these fucking fingers to do one fucking thing i tell them, lord! i'm this close to slitting my own fucking throat! i would much rather at least make a point to burger king fascists first before i scratch 'suicide' off my bucket list and burn the rest of the bucket list, but i just will never have anything the way i want it, will i? it's too much to ask, and if i say i would like one thing to go my way, i sound just as childish and bitchy, and just as brutally to blame for this playpen mess as the rest of you fucks.

that's incentive.
i cringe with hatred.
someone's going to die today.
hopefully, it's just me.

disgust.
repulsive disgust.

god, blind these eyes.
seal off this heart.
rob me of my throat.
take the love i have.
bury it in silence.
blacken everything.
i was never here.

...
they don't understand that...
if they're telling me to be like them...
that means they're unhappy with themselves...
and more than likely, they're just my delusions anyway...
defective mirrors in a haunted house of hateful reflections...
tears are magnified...
fears are justified...

and there's no convincing the mirror that you're genuine.

fuck freud.

blank and empty

i fucking hate so much.
i hate everything so fucking much.
i fucking hate so much.
i feel so sick.
i fucking hate everything.
i hate this fucking life.
i hate this fucking world.
i hate.

i have to get this cancerous chunk of hatred out of me.
every set of words out of my mouth sounds retarded to me.
i have to apologize for everything, i ruin everything.
i feel like i can't open my mouth without being just as dumb as you.
what's the point in talking.

what's the point to any of this stupid shit.
why can't i just slit my fucking wrists and be done with it.
i hate everything.
i can't stand anything.
this pain in my stomach.
all the drugs you smoke.
how much they disgust me.

you.

you disgust me.
your world sickens me.
your humans repulse me.
your authorities hate me.

and you can't afford to know how much i hate you.

i fucking detest you. i can't think of a word hateful enough for you.

i've been saying this shit for too many fucking years.

i feel so fucking sick.
you make me so fucking sick.
yet you cannot be blamed.
you cannot be held accountable.
you preach responsibility, yet have no clue what it is.
your product is hostility.

i can't get this shit out of my brain.

that violent physical force if we don't do what you say.

god, i hate.
i am so filled with hate.
hatred.

the most unheard voice in a world of hatred.
hypocrisy. lies. self delusion, denial, i could go on all fucking day.
you disgust me.
you fucking disgust me.
when can you afford to realize that.
what pieces of shit you all are.
you refuse to see it.
no one can convince you.
your mind is closed off.
you cannot be blamed.
you make me hateful.

i can't speak.
i can't think.
i'm disgusted with myself.
ashamed to be here.
i would give anything to get away from you.
your drugs.
your trash.
your lies.
your badge.
your plastic people.
your starbucks products.
i can't tell you how sick you make me.
i have no god to pray to.
because i'm not a child.

which tells me i'm the only true adult on this fucking planet.
if you're so smart, and want to prove me wrong, fucking say something.
don't just sit in your comfortable house bitching.
grow some fucking balls, you fucking pathetic puss.
get off your fucking ass...

i shouldn't have to tell you what to do.
i shouldn't have to explain to you, how to act like an adult.

your standards are humiliating.
and you want aliens to come visit you.

god, how stupid can you be.
you make me fucking sick.

what if someone told hollywood,
you can't make another movie,
till you erase drugs from your streets.
spend every movie dollar on it.
whatever movie you were about to make.
fuck it, we can sacrifice another nicolas cage movie.
i'd rather enjoy the next avengers movie.

as long as humans exist on this planet...
there will always be someone to shoot.

iq standards are not in your standards.
and you're not ashamed of that.
you see nothing wrong with that.

i fucking hate you.
you're just as plastic as your fucking latté order.
you're just as plastic as your credit card.

i've still got no one i can let this shit out to.
no one who can hug me and say 'forget about it'.

you look like puke.
toxic vomit.
garbage pale kids cards.

i feel so sick.
i feel so ugly.
i feel so stupid.
i feel so ashamed.
i feel so invisible.
i feel so unheard.

silent.
sick.
hateful.
no one to tell.
no one to tell.
ever.

i should have put a bullet through my brain when i was twenty three.
i'd have less to worry about, less to hate, than elliot rodger.

you've forgotten too many voices.
that karma's got an ugly face.
your mirror looking back at you.

i'm sick of your words.
i'm sick of your ears.

plastic hearts that may or may not exist in these mannequins.

where is a truth.
where is something sacred.
where is a standard.
where is a choice.

dear god, please.
i'm not having fun in your delusion.
please get me out of here.
this is going to end as horribly as possible.

evil, toxic negativity, pouring out of this heart like a leaking faucet.

it's not sad to you.
there's no fix.
there's no god.
there's no answer.
and you think you have a reason to be in charge.

no man should rule another man.
if that man has no answers, he's last in line.
if that man's selling lies, he dies.

when there are no thrones...
we can all live like kings...

that's the only thing i'll ever believe in.

a lack of a reason for you.

only stupid people think anarchy is chaos.
that needs to be etched in fuckin' stone.
only morons think knowledge is evil.

anarchy is not chaos.
anarchy means 'we don't need you'.
it's up to you to accept that.
it's up to you to shoot yourself like a good mistake.

i fucking hate you.
i loathe you.
i detest you.
i despise you.

i pray to the future...
the sunrise i bring...
deletes you.

washes you into the earth like the delusion you are.
liquifies your concrete back into the earth like the delusion it truly is.

you're not just delusional.
you are a delusion.

my mental hell i must suffer to see an irrelevant answer.
a meaningless point to be made, just to move on.

i can't speak anymore.
i cannot force these words out.
i haven't found a tire iron i could pry you open with yet.

i hate.
i hate.
i hate.

i cringe with hatred.
my skin shudders as the layers peel.
like ripping my spinal cord through dimensions.
shedding skin off the back of my head.
to rid the disease.

i couldn't drown in darkness to escape you.
i couldn't suffocate in tears of suicide.

my eyes close.
my mind dulls.
everything feels numb and fuzzy.
this neck won't pop, this stomach pain.
this is a hell created by a stupid human you.
given all sorts of superstitious words.
beliefs.
reinforced by excuses, fears, paranoia.
etched into those fears through conditioning and tradition.

you're sick.
someone needs to force that into your sick brain.
you're sick.
you need to go.
you're not wanted here.
the future does not want you.
the earth does not want you.
our mind does not want your lies.
stop forcing yourself into our books.
you think you're that vital.
you think you're needed.

and let no one tell you otherwise.

you fucking earless loser.
you hearing impaired freak of nature.
you dumb fuck.
what the fuck is wrong with you.

throw your badge into a volcano, and then dive in after it.
please, you'd be doing us all a favour.
there are seven billion people on this planet.
you suppress and harass a seventh of them.
and no one sees why.
no one sees anything wrong with that.
no one cares.

such perfect little slaves you've raised.

the other day, the seven eleven security guard is harassing me again.
i hold my middle finger up and wave it at him, since he can't shut his mouth.
in a way of saying more like 'bring it on, you dumb fuck'.
he actually walks over, and says 'you called me over here'.

first thing i should have said...
wow, okay, you always come when you're fingered?
middle finger, too, boy, you'd make an excellent slave.
except that you don't have ears.

second thing i should have said...
are you just finding an excuse to get close to me?
you can't stop harassing me?
why do people get closer to that which they hate?
are you really that stupid?

he wouldn't have listened to any of that.
but that's okay, that's his job.

remove your ears and heart, replace them with a badge and a gun...
good slave.
now go do what your boss tells you.
go shoot whoever your boss paid you to shoot.
go destroy something, cause that's what it says on your squad car.

you fucking hypocrite.

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

i can't wait for the day...

god, get your putrid badge the fuck out of my face.
can't you understand yet, you're just doing more evil than good.
if that's your intention, than you'll refuse to respond.
i'll bet you a billion dollars, i'll never hear that answer.
and you'll never pay up.

back in my day, that's what we call a yellowbelly pussy.
a fuckin' fascist liar.
a scruntroach fuckin' turd.

you, you fucking delusional piece of shit.
wallowing in your denial and excuses.

stop making poor people hate you.
no one will ever see the reasons.
the excuse behind the word 'peasants'.
the psychology behind the word 'undesirables'.

why can't i just disappear.
fuck this place.
leave these idiots to their own demise.
you fucking make me sick.
you make me so fucking sick.
this cancerous ball of hatred.
it's your creation.
and i can't get it out of me.

oh, but please, don't blame yourself.
i wouldn't want to see you cry.

i fucking hate you all

didn't do shit on my computer this morning.
just sat here. staring at the desktop.

i want to crawl in a hole and fuckin' die.
i'm so sick of people thinking they own everything.

this sickness.

seven eleven is now discriminating against homeless people.
they put a sign up saying 'no homeless people allowed'.
which, i think, breaks some bigger human rules we have.
of all places. not starbucks. not olive garden. seven eleven.
does anyone need to be shot yet?

hung?
burned?
humiliated?

some fagwrench walked by wearing a tight black spandex shirt,
tight orange spandex pants, with his package clearly visible.
i said 'you need to put some fuckin' clothes on.
his response is... 'at least i have a job'.

i said 'why would i want to suck your boss' cock'.

but that sickens me.

just because you have a job,
gives you an excuse to drag your balls around in public,
act like an asshole, and insult people you think lower than you?

is that really the excuse here?

that's it then.
i'm out of here.
fuck this childish fuckin' party.
seven billion hypocrites.
claiming responsibility, preaching hatred...

fuck it.
fuck this shit.
fuck all of you.
i'm sick of your immature excuses.
i'm sick of you.

i can't talk.
i can't think.
i can't breathe.

i'm slitting my wrists on my daughter's birthday.

i'm gonna find somewhere to be invisible, and i'm exiting this door.

i want that darkness. that silence.

the lyrics to just three metal songs could end this entire situation.
if you fucks were brave enough to listen to them.

even your ears are too weak. fuckin' pussies.

if anyone gives half a scruntfuck, why don't you research these fuckin' songs your adult self.

the fuck you will. fuckin' children.

song number one: 'we are the others' by delain. be brave and research sophie lancaster.
song number two: 'freak like me' by halestorm.
song number three (my personal choice): 'run for cover' by otep.

bonus materials for extra credit:

song number four: 'beauty and the freak' by sonic syndicate.
also research elliot rodger, alex jones, joseph campbell, richard dawkins, and anton szandor lavey.

i fucking hate you all.
each and every one of you fucking little scumscrunt turds.
i fucking hate you.
your childish, immature, piece of shit world means that you get to whine and complain and bitch too much.

harassing homeless people is bad enough.

if i could organize even ten of these mindless fucks,
make a youtube video...

you'd have a legitimate backlash on your hands.

the way i'd see it, every time you harass us, discriminate against us, humiliate us...

we humiliate you.

see i'm a fan of public humiliation.
you haven't seen my fetlife page yet.

fuckin' pussy.

i'd tie your ass up to the wall outside, shove a hotdog up your ass, shove your little 'no homeless people allowed' sign in your mouth, write 'hateful turd' on your naked body, stick that shit on youtube, and burn your fuckin' store to the ground with you tied to it. and your fuckin' security guard dog nazi nigger scumfuck. tyler durden needs to not be fictional. if you're not brave enough to change this world, and stop bitching in your little shell of fear, i fuckin' will.

i fucking hate you all.

i want to puke.
i want to slit my throat.
i want to cry.
i want to kill.

i can't do any of that.
i have to just be your slave.
that's the only choice you leave.
the only product you truly sell.
no security, cause you're the one who's insecure.
calling like a pussy on your phone for backup.

i don't need backup.

i never bought your security.
i never bought your lies.

and if this isn't a reason enough for those fucks telling me to get a job.

i'm using this as another good reason why i'm glad i don't have a job.

fuck you.
i'm not you.
i'll never be you.
i'm not your fuckin' slave.
i'm your fucking enemy.
by now, you shouldn't be talking to me.
you should be running.

my thin layer of sanity holding everything back...

well...

he just quit his job.

if this has to end as badly and quickly as possible,
i don't give a fuck anymore.
i've had enough of you. getting your way.
whining, crying, bitching, getting your way.
i will slit your fucking throat.

and then i'm going after your boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss. and his boss.

i'll see you on judgement day.
you human fucking turd.
fuck you.

a slave with cash

i fucking hate you all.

i am so sick of being told who to be, and how to do it.

i'm sick of having my temporary weakness mistaken for lack of an education.

every male i encounter thinks i need to be dominated and educated, i need to dress better, because they assume my intentions in life are theirs.

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

do you think i haven't heard this shit before?

every other man thinks i need to be like every other man.

and that somehow, i've managed to make it through thirty seven years of life without hearing this shit before.

did i stumble out of a jungle?

was i raised by the missing link and spit through a time machine?

fresh off a bus out of moronville?

somehow i missed school?

i'm wasting time socializing, when i have something completely opposite of that to work toward.

no one understands a fucking word i say.

what am i not saying. how am i being misunderstood. how else can i say it. what else do i need to say.

IN FIVE SECOND FUCKING FRAGMENTS, BIG PIECES OF INFORMATION CANNOT BE RELAYED.

can i not have that error message flash on my forehead, god? is that too much to ask?

perhaps someone read my blog yet? i know that's still too much to ask.

once again, for the completely uneducated in the room who assume i'm them:

my plan in life is to be surrounded by women. i hate men. i'm sorry. i just do. i'm sick of explaining it. read my fucking book, my blog, something. inform yourself before making an uninformed decision please.

i am here to release one album, the money i get from that will get me a house in the woods in washington, where i can headquarter myself, hire some assistants to help start ozztek industries. i will build myself a recording studio, i'll have a car, and if i need to drive to this shithole to get a movie made, i don't have to stay here.

does no one else see this. is it that hard to explain to five second ears. they do not get it. they never will.

they are not the people i am reaching. hence the fucking point!

does no one see this! am i seriously the only fucking one! it makes such simple, logical, perfect fucking sense to me, flawless logic, it's so fucking clear, you could clean it with windex! what the fuck is wrong with you people! is the word 'forward' that fucking foreign to you! that fucking alien a concept! forward. just fucking say it! it will feel better, i guarantee you, that's the fucking product i'm selling, not dave in a fucking box! get the fuck off me!

if i ever hear that shit again, if i ever have to smoke a blunt again, if i ever live a day again where i do what others want for social reasons and get nothing of my own needs met, someone will get fucking hurt.

if i have to verify my identity to this morbid fucking society one more fucking time, someone will get fucking hurt.

i am not here to live in your world.

i am here to escape it properly.

i've studied it for twenty plus years.

i am not uneducated on the topic.

shove your assumptions up your asses.

i have said all this shit too many fucking times in my life for you morons to not hear it.

i will repeat that.

i am not here to be you.

i am not here to participate in your delusion.

i am not here to wear your clothes, earn your paycheck, and comfort you.

how many times have i fucking said this shit! i'll pay a future scholar a million dollars to tell me the answer to that someday in the future! a million dollars and a fucking cheeseburger!

i am here to destroy this sick, stupid, morbid, wrong society by escaping it.

it's the most peaceful plan there could possibly be. you can trust me on that, you haven't studied the topic at all.

you are not an educated voice on this fucking topic, you can stop trying to educate me.

i'm just having a little temporary trouble with the first step.

i have said this shit many fucking times, you can read for your fucking adult human self.

stop telling me you have to change my diapers, when i'm changing yours.

have you fucking gotten it yet?!

let me twittersize that for your small pea sized brain. cause i know for fuck that i can't fit in there.

i think i just proved that. as i have a billion fucking times.

carl sagan, could you nudge mom awake, so she can give you that 'can you count that high?' look again, please?

here, the twitter version.

i will never be you. stop stuffing me into your mold. your clothing sucks. your music sucks. if you cannot comprehend something new, move out of the way of the bulldozer please. thank you. have a wonderful... sorry. told you to move.

i apologize for a reason. i'm driving a bulldozer.

in case you haven't noticed yet, there are people hanging off the bottom of this pyramid.

i'm painfully aware of the fact that you do not see the pyramid i'm talking about.

that's because you're an imperceptive idiot. here's proof. have a wide eyed gander, please.

look at the back of your dollar bill.

thank you.

see the people hanging off the bottom? you're one of them? see?

yes. there. now.

those people could be swept over here...

a new community could be built...

i know, it hurts to stretch that muscle the first few times. that's why people don't know how to use acid yet. it's a chemical, whereas nature creates natural things. they aren't 'natural alternatives'. there is nature, and then there is your idiotic human alternatives. your god is one of the latter. i know, i know, just take a deep breath.

i'm about to push a little hole through your third eye. you're going to see a small light through the top of your head.

it helps to close these two eyes. i know you won't, cause you have your 'reasons' excuses.

picture a nucleus.

zoom in.

imagine you see tentacles of light and energy on the surface of that nucleus.

they are absorbing consciousness into the neuron inside a brain.

now picture this.

humanity on the earth.

evolving into tentacles of light and energy absorbing consciousness into the earth, to turn this neuron into a light inside this mind. you'll see the concrete around you liquify into the earth like the delusion it truly is.

now imagine, i saw that when i was about thirteen years old. give or take a few fuzzy years.

i have had two lucid dreams.

i have had one astral dream.

they are all written about.

i had an ayahuasca dream.

i haven't done ayahuasca yet.

if you do not know what those are, then please, do yourself a favour and stop looking so fucking stupid to me. look at me as an equal, and you might see the future i plan to design. if you close your mind and spit out words too often, you're not hearing the full story, thus you're forming opinions too soon, instead of informed decisions by being fully informed. my mother would be digging for her gun right about now. i should have snapped a year ago. you're pushing a very very tight trigger, over and over, and expecting a different reaction.

and then you tell me i'm insane.

you tell me definitions of this reality to enforce your belief in it.

you're failing to realize, i plan to shatter that reality with the full force of a psychedelic break.

something no other psychologist has discussed on this planet yet. not freud, not jung, not terence mckenna.

you want to push the buttons in my brain, you won't like what you find. you should be careful.

this is not territory for you to go ignorantly stumbling around in. this is a minefield around a nuclear assault chamber that's housed around a personal defense arsenal, and that's all compressed and locked into a psychedelic barrier of psychic rage, antisocial anger toward the membrane of death.

before you tell me which clone you'd like to be, please don't look so stupid, and inform yourself on the definition of antisocial. not just teenage angst antisocial behaviour, but antisocial culture.

people think they know something, and the more they say, the dumber they sound, and they never realize it.

humanity as a collective never realizes it.

i plan to end that.

it's a choice.

a shift of perception.

it might hurt your human brain. it's like showing an ant what it's like to build a pyramid, and how to destroy one, and why, all in the span of it's little five day life.

my mother used to say 'closed minds always have open mouths'.

she also used to say, 'it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid, rather than open it and prove it.

we also appreciated that lyric in the metallica song, 'the empty can rattles the most'.

they all think they know something.

if they'd shut up and read my blog, they'd realize how wrong they are.

i'll pay a scholar twenty billion brain jello rubels in arcturian currency...

i'll give you your own company where you can sell hugs for a grand a pop...

i got these cheeseburgers man, i'll suck yo dick...

if you can travel back to the year twenty sixteen, around february, and tell someone that.

be a not so lazy friend, and share it on twitter, so it can go viral like it was supposed to last year.

but thanks to beiber...

you guys go on being proud of yourselves.

i'd rather laugh and dream forward.

rainy sunday

slept okay last night, stayed dry, started raining this morning, i'm in starbucks for the day, but i've got one smoke left, minimal food, one bowl, and can't focus with all the pain, not even on the movie 'the dilemma', which i love and have been wanting to see again. just got the first email i've had since about six pm yesterday, and i usually get shitloads of automated crap. freecycle, meetup, shit like that, they send a lot of crap. i can't write too much right now, can't focus too much right now, zach is talking to me. he woke back up from his starbucks backpack nap. cops are crawling around a lot today. i'm sure it's set to rain all day, so i'll stay in here and try to get some movies watched. i store those little things in my arsenal of factoids. it'll be useful someday. there's more method behind this 'madness' than you're aware of, but there's no convincing you. i wish anyone could appreciate my verbage, but i have to create a fucking religion first. i don't think anyone's understanding my intentions, though. it's not 'everyone's' attention i want to get... it's whose. i picture peanut saying 'what's wahose?'. you know, my palm and forehead are engaged, thanks to you! we're having a june wedding, you're invited. i'm wondering how far you can take sarcasm before people take you too seriously, but at the same time, i know exactly, precisely how much sarcasm, because 'people'... therein lie the problem. people have no sense of humour. why do you think 'standup comedian' is still a job you can pick off the menu of life when you're fresh out of high school and dumb enough to not look higher up, but smart enough to not look down... that's about where you'll settle. comedian, rockstar, you know... less chains, more freedoms, looser life, better sleep, less 'responsibility' being tossed at you from people with no clue what responsibility actually is, but they preach about it constantly like they're selling a product or stuffing a fuckin' turkey. fragment thoughts make the mind skip. like going three days without an 'incident'. small minds cannot see big concepts, and that needs to be fucking advertised. hello, america! this is your television speaking! you're retarded and too stupid to know it! don't be proud of that! get off your ass and cut the coma cable membrane, take a brain breath, study something called trepanation, listen to a voice named michio kaku, and you might survive. lay there like a glob of mayonnaise, and... i don't know, did they find any mayonnaise in the landfills? how about volcanos? does it survive a nuclear holocaust? how's china? any condiments over there? ketchup? grey fuckin' poupon? anything? cockroaches? methheads? my grandmother aka satan? i'm not sure she's dead, i ain't seen no corpse. poke her with a stick. not that one, cleatus! but, if you look a little higher on the menu of life, you'll notice how it goes from 'the job section' to 'the career section' to 'the hobby section' to 'the collector section'. you notice, the higher two sections are actually not 'jobs' where you get paid to do what someone else tells you, and be proud of yourself for living in an apartment, thinking that separates you from the bum on the street in some way... well, yeah, above 'the collector section'... it still goes up. why do people pick a spot and stop? i'll rest here, i'm good here, y'all go on without me. knowledge never stops. the brain never stops absorbing. it does if you make bad choices and kill brain cells with bad drugs and try to be stupid like it's something to be proud of, but no, see, you can actually... i'm not sure if you're aware of this or not, but... sorry to be the bearer of good news, but... you can choose differently. it doesn't matter what you saw on cnn last week. what matters, is that last week, you could have avoided cnn, but the good news is, there's another week infront of you. i guess someone needed to remind you of that. but anyway. the list goes up. the ladder, whatever you want to call it. there's 'the educator section', there's 'the dreamer section'... you can be any and all things, you don't even have to pick just one. yeah, like, duh, like, hello! mcfly! tee hee fuckin' hee! god, this isn't third grade mentality level, cause i have higher standards for third grade, too. humanity's mentality is at the snail stage, let's go ahead and be honest, we don't need to sugar coat this shit, they're all gonna die anyway, i can shoot first and ask questions later just like you, there's no stopping me from using your stupidity against you to open your eyes the painful way, it truly doesn't matter... so you know... you can relax, you're just my delusion in the first place, so i think i can find the words to stick your head to the fuckin' wall. have a little faith in the show here. but check this out. see, i can speak stupid, too, i can stoop down to your level, it just hurts my oxygen galaxy eater generator machine thing you call a brain, but ironically, don't know what that is either. it's okay, we're good, i like making people feel stupid, i enjoy it, it makes me feel smarter, cause i don't give a fuck what you think, you can diagnose me all you want, it only matters if i listen, but i'm too busy talking obviously, and the bad news for you is, i don't just 'love the sound of my own voice', i love the words this voice is saying, and i'm going to keep saying them till they sink in, so... let's get to business here, what are we talkin', another two thousand years till you get it? i bet i can speed that up. just a tad. anyway, getting way behind myself here. but yeah, so, you've got a ladder of knowledge here... most people don't even see it. it's not the one leading up to the television sky that's raining small talk into people's desert brains, no, that was built by some douchebag a couple thousand years ago, he thought he was doin' some babylon thing, but it turns out, he was just cracked cause his mother knew a little too much about freud, so... okay, yeah, focus here, come on. see, look up this way. it helps to close these two eyes, actually. see, you look up in this direction here... see that glowing pathway to the sky? see, these christian idiots are talking about some 'golden pathway to the sky'... somehow they use the same words, but cheapen the meaning by supporting it with a product, and they don't see the soullessness in that, i'm assuming based on logical deductions, that it's because they have no soul, but that's still debatable on the debate table. i don't know, i haven't been there in months, last time i was there, i saw a brain cell die. i felt a little ashamed, but i was the only one, so... you know... a little awkward, but i dress in that language, i was born with that tongue, and i can prove it because you don't even know what the fuck i'm talking about, you doubt me, you immediately try to debate me, because your opinion is already preformed, and you don't understand that... see, we're caught in your loop here. i'm about to, as a demonstration to you, break my way through it, like i usually do, before i suffocate my brain and kill a brain cell. see, it's very easy. i'm making my brain healthier right now just by getting this shit out of it, see. timothy leary said humanity doesn't understand the brain at all. i agree. sorry, but it's just my choice, see, you can't control my choice, you can only make your own, just as i cannot control your choice, i can only form my own. see how that works? so, figure this part out. if i make a choice based on logic, and you make a choice based on fear and paranoia... a: we've just made two different choices, and b: it's divided us. see, now you're standing over there, and telling me i'm insane. this is why i think i'm talking to mirrors in this world, you know, it's just logic that has informed me that these are just delusions in my brain, and my brain makes me think it's real, and that this concrete won't let me through that, but what you're not understanding, is that i can see through that concrete very easily, because i'm not looking at it with the same two eyes that you are looking at it with. see. choices. perspective. i see your perspective. you do not see mine, and i'm aware of that as well. see. you're getting lost here. i'm aware of that. i'm confusing the shit out of you, simply because... you might actually read this someday. intentions. i know yours. i have my own. divided through generations, how would you expect us to unite. i would like to say this and have it heard someday. if there was one band that every person on this earth could get behind, if there was one band who could unite us and bring us together... it would be tool.

aaahhh... i just got the most brilliant idea. haha. see how that happens? sorry, i gotta leave you here, you can hold your breath if you want, but i got something more important flowin' out of this fuckin' walnut shell here. sorry. finally unlocked another little nugget, gotta go plant it. or smoke it. enjoy.

ending january

god, i fucking hate everything. i really don't know what's happening with my mind anymore. i haven't been able to think to myself for weeks now. trying to have a friend keep me stoned leaves no self time. priorities, responsibilities, all this human shit that normal people deal with, and it does not translate to any of them that i don't like this shit. i sat here browsing google maps for about an hour, trying to find... i don't know. i forget what to look for. every time. i feel sick, my stomach is so fucked, i can't tell if i'm hungry anymore. i just ate a tuna sandwich, but i already feel empty and sick, i can't even tell if i need to use a restroom anymore, and trying to find the time to walk to one is just fucking stupid. i cannot stand people. sitting panhandling for two hours this morning, had ten incoherent idiots walk up to me asking me for cigarettes or drugs. is it too hard to make your own sign. is it not obvious to you that i have nothing, which is why i'm sitting here with my own signs. are these people really that stupid. and i'm really still this alone. will i ever be understood by anyone. i fucking hate everything i see. everything i'd like to do, is an impossible amount of mental calculations and physical stumbles, and then finding the motivation to walk up that hill alone again. i posted something on craigslist looking for a female friend, but they've all got better things to do, than notice me. which makes me fucking sick. am i the only one who thinks it's extremely unfair that men with jobs, and men with meth, they all have women, but i can't find a single lady who's not a drug addict, who doesn't automatically want something more from me than i'm able to give. or who doesn't want me to turn into a clone. people keep saying, basically these words in any form, but 'let me dress you up like a clone, so we can call you dave'. at least that's what it translates to, to me. no one wants me to be me, i'm not allowed to be me. and no one is ever going to find me interesting, so why am i still here. america doesn't find intellect interesting, they consume stupid shit, i don't know why i'm here. i'm not enjoying any of this, but trying to tell a fellow human is pointless. can i please meet someone else who finds that as retarded as i do? my mind doesn't want to think through this concrete anymore. i've seen my pathway out, but this first step, this first set of obstacles... i don't even know why i'm doing it alone, i don't see the point. but i am at least getting some fragmented thoughts in my head that are propelling me toward the open mic again, i'm asking zach to facebook monique mcfadden to help with that. but i can't seem to think anymore, unless i can get the slightest bit of inspiration, and it really only comes to me from females. the only type of men who inspire me are metalheads like robb flynn, the rest of these douchebag guys can fuck themselves for all i care, just stop fucking eachother and still calling yourselves men. but you can't call yourselves women either, cause that's false advertising, so... why do there have to be so many clones of so many different moronic types of people in this world, and so fucking many of them! floods of oceans of clones of morons to weed through to find any big brains observing this shit from a higher level! why! there's no god over this! i've seen google earth, and i played the original sim city when i was a kid, i see more than you. when i look at the earth, and cities on google maps, i see retardation and cancer. thinking, gee, why did they put apartments next to the freeway, that was stupid. they weren't thinking. and the fact that they sell this shit, and the prices of real estate and land and shit go up and down depending on how bad some other moron already fucked it up, i can't stand these people. what fucking world did i step into here, without being able to say a fucking thing about it or god forbid change a fucking thing. why do there have to be so many copies and duplicates of the same idiots walking around? why? we can't have just a few gay guys, we have to have a fucking plethora. a ridiculous flood of them. we can't have just one justin beiber wannabe idiot that the girls drool over with the douchebag shorts, douchebag haircut, douchebag tattoos, no, there have to be billions rolling off the assembly line and flooding the shelves of toy stores everywhere for each little clone to buy and pull the fuckin' string. why am i the only one who sees this, and if i'm not, why the fuck can't one of you voiceless fucks talk to me! let yourselves be known! you've had twenty years to find me online! but you're watching scragly ragflapper on youtube instead. maybe you're watching terence mckenna videos like i did, but you're not talking to me! i don't know what more i have to do! i've tried everything, i've tried posting comments on youtube to people, i've tried writing a blog for fifteen years, i've tried talking to real life mannequins in starfucks, not one of you mindless fucks is a fucking human! i'm surrounded by plastic delusions. there can't just be a few methheads, they have to be fucking everywhere! there can't be just a few rich assholes who ignore you, there have to be billions all jumping for the top spot of the elite to own and control everything, because world domination is still on the menu of what you'd like to be in life. no, i need to explain to these morons, cause they stare at me like i'm an alien speaking in hieroglyphs, but no, it's a very simple concept. see, that's something you can 'DO' in life. something you can 'BE' in life, that's different. you can be cool, you can be lame, you can be a dork, you can be a geek, you can be a nerd, you can be a rockstar, you can be a pioneer, you can be an inventor, or you can follow the product line like everyone else. you can be unique, or you can be dave. it's a shame so fucking many of you have to pick dave the idiot, the mindless, hostile, incoherent clone. the crackhead that stumbled into the meat grinder and somehow ended up on the assembly line, no, he's a birth defect, he's a fucking disfigured reject, but 'we have to be fair and let him exist', no, he's suffocating the oxygen tube for the rest of us, there's only so fair we have to be here, does that have to be pointed out? 'no, we have to be fair', fuck fair. if you can't fit a higher thought in your brain than money, concrete, and how those two work together, i'm tired of seeing so many of you! retardation is the norm! and i can't find a brain to talk to! and you see nothing wrong with that! and you don't think this planet needs another cleansing! last time it was the jews, this time it should be morons! anyone with an iq below one fifty! up the fucking standards, so i can have someone to talk to! that's too much to ask! i have to do every fucking step along that path my mutherfucking self, without even so much as a warm, soft tit to cuddle with, let alone a smile to make mine bigger. don't go gutter on me. actually, it doesn't matter if you do, i intended all of the above. i fucking hate people. i cannot attract positive people toward me. i held carol's crystal in my hand for two weeks, begging for something better to approach me. preferably something female. i'm the most ignored man on this planet, and i'm not a drug addict, nor am i a slave, but that's all you ladies fucking seem to want! one end of the loser spectrum, or the other! here i am, stuck in the middle with fucking no one! this is nice, thank you world for being so nice and caring and enjoyable, i can see why tourists from other planets come here often! you make it so welcoming for someone to want to stay here! you have so much concrete here, but such limited places to sleep inside that concrete, and you think that's logical, and if i try to tell you otherwise, you silence me, ignore me, throw me in jail, and kill me. but i'm still here, i'm still dreaming, and i'm still preaching a better future than anything you can think of. how i get your audience's attention is confusing right now, but i assure you, i'll figure it out like i have everything else up to this point. i will cut a path through your concrete, to find the heart of this earth, and bring hope back to the surface of this lie. i fucking hate you. i hate everything of yours. i don't even want to make a list anymore, but i have to, in order to see if a lady is meeting my checklist of requirements, but invariably, they only ever get up to two or three on the list before disappearing or running away scared because other idiots have given me a bad image, and that's what i'm trying to fucking fix! it would be nice to do it with a friend who has a little faith in me! i have to fucking say this shit!!! no one else finds that retarded!!! there's no one i can tell that to!!! why the fuck am i here!!!

so thank you, humanity. i've really enjoyed your planet of horrors. it's great if you're going for the whole 'hey, my planet is the haunted house behind the uhaul galaxy' thing, but this could be a place where people come to have fun, without looking like another tourist hub with bright lights, fast food, and douchebags. i hate you. i fucking hate you. how many years from now will we actually start planning on who we'd like to have show up here? we've had all the school and launch setup capabilities we could dream of for a while, but instead, you pamper and shelter your children, telling them no instead of yes, they don't learn that way! they don't learn shit! how many of those pampered spoiled rich kids in those fucking montessori schools have actually done anything brilliant with their lives, and not just lived off your fucking dollar! or spent their whole lives walking through glitter and being applauded for 'i made that movie', 'i'm an artist, you should bow at my feet'. fuck you. you've had your time, and you've done nothing with it except wallow in fucking grey poupon! while trash is growing thumbs out your door! you couldn't have a fucking care!!! you sicken me, when is your end, when do you die, when will this earth have had enough of you shitting all over it! when will god show his fucking face and shout from the skies what a goatfuck you've been! you're waiting for judgement day, thinking you'll be the one who did nothing wrong. you'll be the one who gets in first, so you can piss down on all the rest. heaven is set up just for people like you. i just think the welcome sign was misspelled a little, that's all. that's your redemption. the afterlife. yeah, don't worry about what you fuck up today, just let a nonexistent god sort it out. i cannot chisel my way into your fucking brain!!! what do i have to say, what do i have to do, who do i have to be! is it possible to change anything in this fucking world! you wallow in stagnance and selfworship, fear of evolving, and you've clusterfucked this concrete for so long, that i can't get out of it! i could blame you for that, but i'd rather see your end, and appreciate the new possibilities that are too big for your brain! like breathing in a world of crisp new oxygen, i can't fucking wait. you can't even get a little organization behind terrorism, which tells me it's all created by you in the first place. you really have trouble keeping yourself occupied, don't you? you have to get creative in your little playskool kitchen laboratory mentality. how fucking sad. i can't wait to invent something better than you and your unchanging world of fear and products. you can't see that we're all just separated by choices. 'buy pepsi so you can have a reason to fear coke'. you invest everything in your children, breeding without a path or a choice, no design whatsoever, cause 'god will guide us'. that mentality has gotten you two thousand years worth of nowhere! and you can't see it! yeah, great, you have movies and google, is that the best you can do? facebook? wow, i'm so impressed, i'm drooling in my snores! you invest billions of dollars in movies. why? you invest no money in space exploration. why? you invest no money in education, yet you take your children to these sheltered school, and i never see their names in the movie credits, so i don't see what's going on here, i see minimal evolutionary progress, all i see is you being proud of yourself for making a movie, and that movie sucked. i guarantee you i can make something better. i can raise a better kid than you, with less money. i can make a better point than you with fewer words. i can make more progress than you with less time. that's called evolution. it's like you're driving down a freeway, and see that rocket come flying past you. bulldozer. whatever blur it was. if you had invented this shit before me, i wouldn't be bitching, would i? hell, i could make a better piece of art than you, and i already have. so why your art is getting more attention than mine... yeah, i smell plastic pride. i smell turds. i smell satan at work. you have to realize, you have to grow the fuck up and realize, there's no one to blame but you. i'm not even wasting time blaming you, that's your god's job. i'm not climbing to the top of your pyramid of delusion. i just want to see it be destroyed. gone. dust. smoke. i want to breathe the next morning. you have to realize, there is no god being responsible for you, there's no devil tempting you with idiocy, these are all your choices, and in the eyes of evolution, your choices are horrid! because you excuse it with a god who can fix it later, what, do you think god's sitting up there in heaven with a fuckin' box of bandaids?! what the fuck are you thinking! what the fuck is wrong with your underevolved brain! as a scientist, i'm curious, i need to know how retarded the missing link was, how hostile was the neanderthal, what are we as a consciously awakening species going to have to defeat in order to exist? and how will we have to defeat it? hopefully without violence. i can't wait to hear someone besides me say these words: 'we never fought them, we just outthought them'. but no, it will never happen because that thought was written by me. which tells me, i never have to worry about people copyright infringing me, no one has the balls to think of the shit i say. thanks. likeminded people, my saggy black ass. where are they? when are they? that's mostly what's guided me most my life, under this empty sky. whatever i think, the opposite happens. because i'm logical, and you're not. so if i'm sitting there begging the skies to have a lady walk up to me, hand me five bucks, and say 'today doesn't suck, it just has yet to get better'... i know it's never going to happen. see? now, all you have to figure out, is how far i've followed that path, for how long, and what little trinkets of wrong have i picked up along the way. i'm saving them for judgement day. i've already got my fuckin' ticket, and i burned the receipt. let's go here, popcorn's getting cold, and so is your god! have they done the autopsy yet, or are you still in the denial stage? did you get stuck? do you need some help, can i pull you out, here, grab my hand!

no one will ever say that to me. because i thought it. likeminded people do not exist. they're either clones, or... not me. no one's mind is like mine. i know a few who are, but trying to find them is just as retarded. otep shamaya, yeah, where does she live in secrecy? where does robb flynn hide? i don't fucking see any of them walking the same streets i have, so how do they know what i know? where are their paths? the only famous person i've recognized so far is andy dick. andy fucking dick. the most recognizable chin on this planet, andy fucking dick! he's more recognizable than jay leno and doctor phil combined. that's who i get. that's, hey, and when i was a kid, my mama told me we met ricky how the fuck do you spell shroeder in a restaurant in los angeles, but i don't even remember the spinning mirror room from disneyland anymore. but that's the people i get. plastic clone losers, duplicated humans, stamped molds of what some idiot thought we were supposed to be two thousand years ago! it's two pm, i gotta go panhandle. i need food. i'm sick of people. can one person please approach me today with a little kindness. i have no god i can ask, so i'm asking my blog. it responds even less.

evolutionism

more fragment ideas for the religion. it's the obvious answer to religions. if everyone else can have these morbid religions, why can't i have one based on common sense, logic, love, and the search for truth. why can't a religion be designed the way one should be.

logic is our god. our direction is fearlessly forward. utopia is where we live, and what we build. unity is what we work to achieve.

whatever product, service, or talent you have, that you would like to sell... the price they have to pay for it, if they want it that bad... whether it's sex, music, weed, whatever... we don't take visa. we don't accept cash... they have to become an evolutionist. you can be standing on a street corner, some guy in a suit and tie drives up and asks how much... you cost... well, sir, you can fuck me, but i'm an evolutionist. if you really want to fuck me that bad, you have to become an evolutionist. what does that mean? means you have to leave your life behind, come with me to the land of logic, and never look back. he'll either drive away, or he'll be curious. if he's curious to make it through all the levels, he's an evolutionist. if he's scared to lose his bible, he goes back home with no pussy. well, depending on how you'd like to look at it. but the cost is not cash, it's a choice. you be a responsible human, or you stay in your little hole of fear and hatred forever. it's your choice. what else do you have for sale? i have this wonderful album i made, here's a free sample, listen to this. like it? wanna buy it? yeah, how much is it? you ever hear of evolution? thumbs, logic, and clues? being responsible for yourself? here, here's a pamphlet. save yourself from the lord! get a clue! sprout thumbs and logic glands! you're healed of delusion, my son! now you're a human! you've officially evolved from neanderthal, or homosapien, or whichever one was last. what was lucy? ever seen that movie?

a religion based on truth, or at least the search for. how could that be a bad thing. a religion based on nonviolence. peace, love, harmony, unity. actual forgiveness, acceptance, sympathy, compassion, not apathy, hatred, seclusion, fear, and the family mentality.

fuck marriage. fuck products. fuck monetary status. fuck societal socializing and everything to do with it. like paying upwards of a hundred bucks for a steak to eat with your wife among other quiet strangers. walking to starbucks every morning with your dog on a leash, leaving him outside, socially drinking coffee, smoking outside, even in the rain, going back in, using your thumb device on wifi. playing violent zombie videogames, and then walking out into the world like a brainless zombie fresh off the assembly line.

can i get all the people together, who hate videogames, rap music, religion, and bad drugs, please? can we all come together for a moment? those of us who like to think for ourselves? can we congregate?

i appreciate a good song. i appreciate a good movie. but i don't think entertainment is the final stage of human evolution. i think it's what's keeping us from evolving. from figuring out what else we can do in life.

i'm so sick of consumers, clones, credit cards, cops, concrete, plastic, products, pets on leashes, zombie videogames, drug addicts, and bibles being thrown in my face every day, fingers being poked into my chest every day, words being raped into my ear every day, especially the opinionated ones based on fear, tradition, superstition, paranoia. opinions. beliefs. paranoid people fearing eachother, and using a bible to bring them together, if they can do that, why can't i?

they flood their streets with drugs, then preach about jesus in the garden of temptation. lord save us from these heathens. they either convert you, or they hate you. they use a god in the sky as an excuse to act irresponsibly in this life, while saying otherwise, because they do not have a reason to act responsible for their own actions, but then they project that onto us, make us their scapegoat, blame us for that exact thing, calling us irresponsible for simply not believing what they believe. they take your money, and sell you their lie. an excuse to act like an asshole and hate eachother, even though they wear the same shaped jewelry. for two thousand years now. waiting for the sequel to their sad little movie about violence, abuse, torture, death, living in the past, holding regrets and grudges. it's been two thousand years. their god has never shown his face since the burning bush. delusions that can no longer be proven. from people they never knew and have no reason to trust other than blind ignorance and faith in tradition.

i say let's step away from talking about yesterday. fuck tradition, fuck superstition, fuck violence, fuck hatred, fuck fear.

let's stop having a reason to fear shit. let's stop having anything to fear. let's have no reason to fear anything. why be afraid of something. why be afraid of what you don't know. why not be curious. why not be fearless. why not charge into the future, knowing only forward, and not reverse. why not step out of the cave, finally, once and for all, and be brave. why the fuck not?

because there's a god in the sky that might punish you? yeah, i think we've figured that one out by now.
because there's a government telling you not to break a law that might threaten another human?

did they not read the 'nonviolent' clause?

also, my religion has what i like to call, the 'retroactive' clause. means whenever you finally, fully convert to evolutionism, anything that you claimed under your religion before that, even before the religion was created, is still valid. if you didn't want to pay for a coffee, and claimed it was because you're an evolutionist, it's in limbo until you fully convert.

interested?

okay. to convert, you have to go through certain stages, or levels. consider it a twelve step program cleansing the crap of the world from your soul. all the lies, all the untruths, the misinformation, the propaganda campaigns, advertisements and defining yourself through product choices and posting them on twitter. you'll be letting go of all that shit, in stages.

stage one, shedding beliefs. do not believe what anyone else says. ever. follow your own intuition. don't be stupid. stop having excuses to act stupid. be responsible for yourself. stop listening to the media. stop listening to popular music, stop watching cnn, let go of your bibles. let all that shit go. stop buying products to support companies that already have more money than you. stop using money. stop buying shit, especially lies. especially someone else's lies. at least be imaginative enough to think of your own, come up with something unique if you're going to be a retarded wacko. if you want to live in a world of delusion, that's your choice. but you won't pass step one.

stage two, embrace anonymity. no longer identify yourself. no longer carry a wallet, with an identification card, a credit card, no longer be 'on the grid' and 'videotaped by big brother' or 'uncle sam', or whichever catholic pervert is fucking you. no more hats, no more crosses, no more badges. the shedding of political opinions or direction. you become anarchist. your political view from now on, is none of the above. i do not choose what you choose, i do not choose what you give me to choose, your options suck, and i'm no less than you, i'm smart enough to create my own, you can't tell me what to do. i don't have to buy your god, i don't have to serve your prison sentence, i can be forgiven tomorrow in my religion. i do not have to work your jobs, buy your products, build and support your 'civilized society' system of control, you can't videotape me, you can't ask to identify me, because you can pretty much trust that i'm no criminal, i'm not the psychotic piece of shit out there causing problems like you're looking for. if you're an authority figure, or an asshole of any kind, you will not pass this level.

stage three, the shedding of addictions, and the embracing of the psychedelic mindset. not just addictions to drugs. television shows, products, videogames, popular music, the internet, social communication and small talk about the past. you lose all fears as well. all phobias. including gymnophobia and thanatophobia. you also loose the fear of self education, and you be a responsible adult, and look those up on wikipedia right the fuck right now. when something is said that you do not know, you educate yourself on it, as quickly as possible, you do not delay that. we embrace a community where we share joy, love, and happiness for free. we share knowledge and marijuana as a currency. which means a community of people who all know how to grow weed, build a house, and cook food, would be self sufficient, and responsible, and sane. any talents we have, we sell to the other people on this planet, and the price, like i said, is a choice. we won't take your dollar bills and credit cards. we take you. you come with us, or you stay behind. if you really want this cd that bad, if you really want her pussy that bad, if you really want my ozztek computer that bad... you'll come with us. you'll help build our community, and no longer build that old, decrepit system, built on a foundation of fear, blood, bones, and cash that means nothing to nature. we'll eventually have our own farms, everyone will know how to do everything, and it will be done by responsible people, there will be no need to bitch, command, control, punish, fight, argue, get violent, or cause harm to anyone. during this stage, you are required to have at least one ayahuasca trip, to cleanse yourself of addictions. stop using excuses to stay the same, and try to be someone different every day, because you're allowed to be someone different. every day. every morning when you wake up, you wake up with six points. food costs nothing, smoke costs nothing, bed costs nothing. if you help someone in any way, you earn another point. how you spend the points, is up to you, but when you go to sleep that night, they better be spent on something good for that day, because when you wake up the next morning, you start fresh with six points. no debts, no payments, no receipts, no punishments, no ripoffs, no excuses. if you do something wrong, all your points for the day are taken, you'll be humiliated in some way, but when you wake up the next morning, it won't be in a jail cell. you'll be forgiven, and given a chance to act better the very next day. that's what forgiveness should be. when christians talk about forgiveness, they actually mean reimbursement. what all they can reap before they die, believing that what they've sewn will never catch up with them, believing that there's a second chance to come clean in the afterlife because their god is forgiving only of them... wake the fuck up. they make excuses to suck all the best out of life for themselves, selfishly, their beliefs excuse their greed and hatred, and it's about time someone realizes it, if not them. they excuse their violence by telling you to buy products, spend more money. support and build their war machine, to pay for more excuses. not realizing the simple truths they have hidden from you through history. for example, if they go to war and kill someone... of course they can say whose fault it was, they're the ones still living. common sense. logic. taking the thought to its logical end, and not stopping half way out of fear. 'i don't know what's in the rest of that thought, it might be dangerous'. but fearlessly stepping into a war because your leaders tell you. dying for your country, fighting for your god, but having nothing to really live for. having so much to 'fight' for, to 'die' for, is not a healthy way to think. all it does is gives you a reason to hate someone, to fear someone, to hurt someone. you think they're legitimate reasons. nature sees them as excuses, as this organism on her skin simply doesn't realize it's here yet.

stage four. embracing evolution. as you have let go of god by now, and have no need for a more responsible creature to excuse your idiotic behaviour, you can now claim to be a responsible, thumbed creature of nature. as an evolutionist, you have ownership over marijuana. you can sell some to a nonevolutionist, if you want. but remember the price they pay for it. you are free to make movies, but they must be in the direction forward. about the future in some way. your beliefs are no longer beliefs, they are ideas based on science. common sense. logic. you can delve into the realm of imagination, but don't let it get delusional. keep a good understanding of psychology as you enter even your own mind. be a collector of perspectives, like i am. be able to see all of them, but choose your own, unique one. design your own, define your own, perfect your own, constantly evolve your own. you can base our future on imagination, dreams, intuition, inspiration, motivation, even fiction and fantasy, as much as you're daring enough to do, as far forward as you're brave enough to reach. do not order from the same menu in life. you aren't limited to choosing from 'cop, lawyer, or doctor' anymore. be whatever the fuck you want. we just don't want to see you dancing around like a retard in a dragon costume, telling us you're the reincarnation of king tut. you can be the reincarnation of anyone else, except jesus, king tut, l. ron hubbard, or joseph fuckin' smith, okay? if you're any of those fuckers, or even claiming to be, you'll be exiled from evolution permanently. you'll never be granted access into utopia again, but there's a volcano that way, just watch your step. if you see a bulldozer, that's just jed cleanin' up a bit.

stage five. surrendering of all personal opinions, and the beginning of your alignment with logic. whatever you think of yourself. whatever your taste in music. whatever your past that got you here was. leave it all behind. let go of it. all of it. every little bit of self. take peyote with a shaman. die. kill yourself. (this is where idiots are going to misunderstand this, and call it a cult, and this is our way of weeding out the lower intelligence quotients without having to whisper like we're around children. i believe a child can be raised better by a village than one idiotic drug addict parent wearing a cross around their neck and hanging themselves with needles and self loathing excuses. even mensa is based on exclusivity and elitism. not letting people in unless they can pay the price. they fuck people and take what's theirs anyway, and they don't think it's wrong, they blame us. does that sound like a responsible evolutionist? no, that sounds like tom cruise being a scientologist and not tipping his waiter. that's what that sounds like to an ear filled with logic goo. figure that, not having your head filled with bullshit beliefs, suffocating your every choice in life. they can say stupid shit like 'liberals are so open minded, their brains fall out', and get away with it, because we're not fighting back properly. we still assume we're under their umbrella of control, that we need their permission. did the homosapien ask permission to evolve from the neanderthal? no, the fuck it didn't. it used violence. how do we escape violence? with logic. the more fearlessly forward it stretches, the better a chance it has of getting out of this delusion while it's still walking this planet. in this level, you will be aware, that we, as a community, are basically starting over from around the nineteen hundreds, history wise. but we're counting from day one, but the linear time perspective is not important, as we strive to be happy in the moment, to live in the moment, not looking back, thinking forward, but living and enjoying life now. not fearing what's tomorrow, not regretting what's yesterday, not worrying about ten minutes from now, or two hours from now. once the community is at least functional on a communication level, we will start counting from day one. when we become a self sufficient community, no longer relying on any outside sources for survival, we can decide to stop counting, or to start over, or whatever we want, but it is no longer two thousand years since something notable happened. we are notable. we design our day. we no longer wait years for politicians to swim through excuses, trying to resist the dollar bills, lying to us about why it takes so long, because there's so many people involved in your choices. no, you make your choice now, or you're not an evolutionist. fuck procrastination. fuck saving up for a life you never get. fuck eating vegan and not smoking and driving a prius and buying starbucks because you're claiming to help the earth, when a: you couldn't give a shit about the earth or your health, and b: you throw your plastic coffee cup on the ground half way back to your house. if you have anything to lie about, or any reason to hide anything, you won't pass this step. if you have any reason to not like another evolutionist, you will not pass this step. if you still use the word trust, you will not pass this step. if you make excuses for your lack of dedication because of mental issues or trauma or damage, you will be given rigorous therapy before passing this step, as you should be healthy in the mind before even getting to step three. that means capable of making a responsible choice for yourself that other evolutionists would approve of, but we don't need to, because there's no reason to use the word trust anymore. we become a community, and you become part of the community at this stage.

that's all i have for now, i'll come back to this later and add more to it. your brain can't evolve much in a starbucks.

starbucks sarah

i am truly sorry that you have to put up with people like that. every day. i am very sorry, and i do sympathize, because i also have to put up with them on a constant basis. after the event new year's morning, i went back to my sleeping spot, and was encountered by yet another black crackhead idiot, it's already on my blog. i don't know what's wrong with them, or why there are so many of them. i do know that it sickens me more than anyone else.

that's one of my big disagreements with this world, and just one of the many reasons i'm here, of all the things i'm here to accomplish. things i'm very passionate about, that i see no one else being anywhere near this passionate about, or even thinking about. things in this world i'm very displeased with, that i want to change. i see things that make me sick, and i see no one else really being bothered by it. like the people in this starbucks right now, while this guy's being arrested, they just watch, and then go back to what they were doing. some don't even watch, they just click away on their magic thumb screens. and life goes on like normal, no one really does anything different, or says anything about it, no solutions are ever on the news.

but this shit makes me fucking sick in a very extreme way. because i'm on the wrong end of it. i'm invisible. the fact that i can't be noticed by a normal person. i can't be touched by a normal person. and i can't do anything about the violence toward me. i can't do anything about my life simply because no one understands me, even though i've explained myself on my blog, and have given out the link a million times in the past two years, and i'm stuck speaking into deaf ears, numb hearts, blind eyes, getting nowhere. the way i dress, i feel, should say it all, i think the way i dress has 'stay the fuck away from me' written all over it, it should say 'outlaw' all over it, but ever since nineteen ninety nine, all i get from people is 'hey, it's neo', or 'ooh, columbine, got a twelve gauge under there?'. did you people flunk history, or what? and i don't mean 'normal' in your version of normal. popular music, job, wallet, credit card, watches the news, wears colourful clothing, i don't mean any of that. that's why i want to draw my line through the world, my standards, my idea of what normal should be. i'm a metalhead. i have good taste in music, but i don't think media and entertainment and consuming products is all there is to life either. i'm trying to attract the right people, people obviously like me, other passionate, compassionate metalheads. the thing about metalheads, though, is that all the ones i've run into, they're pretty much mutually hateful, staring at the ground, and keep walking. i try to joke with them, but no one has a sense of humour anymore. we can't get more of the masses into comedy clubs? i'm one of the people who think we as a species sharing this planet shouldn't have to use the word 'masses' to describe ourselves.

but the fact that there are so many of those idiots doesn't seem to sicken anyone else as much as it does me, and i want to change that. the streets of every major city in this country are flooded with meth, crack, and heroin, social dysfunction, intentional public retardation with some sort of pride mentality behind it... and people who numb their brains with pop music and twitter activity, just walk right past it, and don't even see it, and both sights sicken me, how can you see that, constantly, your streets are flooded with trash, and you just walk past it, and the fact that it doesn't affect you, sickens me, who the fuck is trying to change this shit, if anyone. any bureaucrat is going to delay the shit with excuses and take forever because of 'other people'. i've recently had my life destroyed by 'other people', if my family had a family crest, it would say 'if you can't get anything done right, do it yourself'. that would consist of my dead mother, me, and my two kids, since the rest of my family was a genetic turd circus. i don't want to ramble on too much, i just wanted to offer my apology and sympathy for you having to put up with that on a daily basis as well, because i'm trying to find my way out of it for good, before one of these idiots... permanently ruins that. and i'm sorry for new year's day, the scene i made. i really didn't mean to make a scene, i was just trying to get rid of the guy, he was pissing me off, and i hadn't put my headphones in yet. i'm very sorry, i never do that, i'm nonviolent, i don't like having to hit people, even though i've had to defend myself, i've survived worse. and i'm not stupid, by any stretch. i was born extremely observant, to an overwhelming extent when i'm sober, and my mother taught me to learn from everything. one of the best lessons she ever taught me, she said son, don't just learn from your own mistakes, watch the show cops. which, in a way, was saying i could learn from anything. although, i never watched the stupid reality tv crap she did, i saw it a few times, and would ask her, 'what the fuck could you possibly be learning from that, other than what idiots those people are', and she would just click her tongue and roll her eyes. mom, that's not a proper response, especially considering you've done it the past ten year's i've been asking you that question. she would never answer. i could never tolerate stupidity. i call myself an intellectual supremacist, hoping someday, someone might get the joke. it's my sarcastic way of saying i hate stupid people, i agree with christopher titus, i think they should be the first to go. we could go extinct because of these idiots, and that doesn't send a chill down anyone else's spine, because someone just followed me on twitter! you have the attention span of a squirrel!

but anyway, i know i wrote too much for you to be able to read while you're working, but thank you for being nice to me, and knowing that i'm not one of those people. i've got a couple friends online trying to help me figure out how to meet the right people, because i'm sick of encountering nothing but those morons, and being asked for meth twenty times a fucking day, which i plan on doing a comedy bit about, hopefully you'll get to see it sometime. i do have a four minute open mic clip on youtube, if you search for animatrinity when you have the time. but i'm sorry, i truly do sympathize, and thank you again. there are better ways to start off new years. hopefully, one of these days, the methhead idiot population will be gone, products won't be important, and you and i can be friends and have a hot chocolate together some morning, in peace and quiet. i like to enjoy quiet sunrises, i've always been a morning person, that's when i have my biggest ideas, and that's when the least of those people are awake. i actually have a passionate attraction to sunrises, i've tried to describe it in poetry and photography, but i want to do more. anyway, i'm sorry that no one else really offers you any apology for that shit happening, and that it's a normal occurrence, and such a common thing that it's never even really talked about, no politicians are saying a damn thing about drugs, which means their war on drugs was a joke, i think this was their intention in the first place, to get half the population strung out on bad drugs and lost in a haze of not knowing what's going on, while this planet fills up with seven billion people, and no one's even wondering what's going on at this point, just go buy a new car and let someone else worry about it, cause that's their job, i just slit cow throats and sell vegan propaganda. like homeless security guards that harass homeless people because having a job makes them better than us. yeah, stop kicking that mentality out the door of starbucks, and think of something better. if donald trump is running for president, and no one else is thinking of this shit cause they're all distracted by that fiasco in a box... i need to get someone's attention, cause i can offer a vital suggestion right now. just let me draw my line. my people will gravitate toward it.

see, if you could put a sign on your door saying 'minimum iq required: one hundred and twenty'... that would solve a lot of problems, and if it offended anyone... that would be its purpose... wouldn't it? it's not about 'id', they misspelled it, you gotta flip the 'd' upside down, it's about 'iq', intelligence quotient, jay leno should poll people in the streets about that one, and see how many people don't know what iq even stands for, let alone their own score. i got an iq score once of a hundred and twenty, without missing a beat, i said 'fuck you, doc, i could have gotten a better iq score at a fuckin' walmart'. perhaps he assumed i was asking for some sort of phallic measurement, i don't know, i thought the brain was a different muscle, and here's another one of those idiots now. good timing to stop typing, you've got a job to deal with. meanwhile, i don't want to waste time on a job, i've got a career to pursue, and i don't have one day to waste, i'm already twenty years behind schedule according to my calendar. try to have a good day anyway, and hope with me that someday these idiots will be gone, and we'll be responsible for ourselves, and i believe that can happen very soon.

just another bad day

well, my new year is already off to a great fuckin' start. it's barely noon, and i've already had two violent encounters with black crackheads. not including christmas day. so, what, is this violent black crackhead... and... supersluts out the window day? so my mind is fucked. thinking about anything at this point is impossible. i'll spend the rest of the day spacing out on movies and sorting my music. i fucking hate people, i need to get away from them as soon as possible, and i still don't know anyone motivated enough to actually help. i'm hoping zach and holly so far, and i still need to email monique, but i tried googling her, and got lost immediately. i wish the cops hadn't stolen her card from me. pricks, pricks, and more pricks, everywhere i look, it's violent psychotic neanderthal prick with a badge or a stick day, hey, let's kill someone before the day's over, it's a great way to end the first day of the new year, with a dead man. that's how nigger brand beer does it