lifeless

i hate my fuckin life. i hate my fuckin life.

i hate this fuckin life, i hate this fuckin world.

i want to leave this fucking world.

farcebook comment

Marc Laura Walters-Auge i really really really really really really really really wish religious people would just leave me the fuck alone, keep their fucking mouths shut, get far the fuck away from me, maybe just start their own country or something, build a wall, i don't know, but i am fucking beyond vomitsick of hearing about god and jesus and shit, why can't i come up with some censorship law or something, some sort of 'freedom of religion' thing that they're forced to observe and respect, and keep their fucking imaginary friend delusions to themselves, how many more times in my life do i have to be forced to hear about this shit, they all assume i haven't heard it yet, and i don't know how their minds could possibly function that way, how could i have made it through forty fucking years without hearing the only thing these idiots talk about, i seriously cannot fathom the ignorance, but goddamnit, when the fuck are they going to shut the fuck up about god already and start talking about anything different? every day of my miserable life has been suffocated, traumatized, violated, assaulted, harassed, abused by their constant relentless preaching and forced conversion... do i need to get a lawyer or what? could someone tell me how to make this shit stop? please?! i'd really love to know! how do you get these fucking leech preachers to fucking stop this shit!!! when the fuck will they give the fuck up and realize that their god is only for them, and doesn't have to be forced on everyone else!!! fuck, you make me so suicidal everytime i hear this shit, i'd so much rather just find another planet the hard way, you make it disturbing to share this earth with the likes of you. will you ever stop? could you ever stop? could you please fucking stop? do i have to keep repeating that? fucking stop!!! and i'm not the only scientific person telling you this, all scientists are sick and fucking tired of hearing about your pathetic fucking god!!! let it go!!! stop forcing it on all of us!!! do you fucking understand that yet? can any of you fucking understand that yet? could you maybe pass on this message in your churches so that someday this shit might fucking stop!!! you are suffocating life and love with that shit!!! fucking stop!!! i do not want your fucking jesus, your god, or your religion, or your fears, or anything else from you!!! keep that shit to your fucking selves please!!! thank you!!! public service announcement over. goddamnit. praise the lowered.

google drive

so... that's fuckin great... can't remove google drive from my laptop now, and it's gonna open a window everytime i start windows now... it went from frustrating to more frustrating while i was just trying to fucking uninstall it. and no one ever sees this shit! no one will ever be here to witness this shit!!! roadblocks, barricades, detours, dead ends, sinkholes...

was life this frustrating when we were in caves?

and why can't my fucking fingers fucking type anymore!!! what the fuck!

and women... what a constant fucking problem with absolutely no solution.

tried to get google drive to reinstall, too... it wouldn't do that either.

so it's just eternally stuck on my laptop as a piece of useless and dysfunctional software whether i want it there or not, and it's apparently a windows related issue. exceptional, right?

and forget about contacting windows, it's easier to find a free prostitute these days.

doesn't windows still charge like five hundred bucks just for calling them?

oh, it gets even better. apparently they also just disabled right click on google image search, so that's fuckin useless now too... thanks. wish they'd stop taking my options away and calling it innovation.

so... fuck it... what is there left to do on my laptop now? is there anything?

everything is so fucking frustrating. i should just kill myself. if only libraries had flyswatters, huh?

oh, and i thought of a new word today...

hugly.

yeah, it's time for me to fuckin die. hate this fuckin planet and it's never gonna change.

everything sucks and why the fuck am i smelling dog food in a library!

my stomach still won't shut up, i'm out of smokage and food. no one i can ever ask for shit.

ostracized

i need to write something right now. but i don't even know what the fuck to write. i've felt so rejected for so long. unwanted. wondering when i'll be allowed to live my life my way. if ever.

and i know the heartless idiots always have this wonderful little vurp to spit out...

they tell you shit like 'you're allowed to live how you want, no one's stopping you'.

which basically means they're completely neglecting to acknowledge all the corruption, tyranny, and greed that suffocate our planet. they love to just ignorantly gloss over that one. they love to act like there are no assholes on this planet.

it's the same people that tell you that anything bad that happens in your life is your fault alone, and never anyone else's, and i always ask these people, then why do we have cops?

if there are no criminals or violations on this planet, why do we have lawyers and judges?

i mean, seriously, if we don't need lawyers and cops... fuckin get rid of them. you'll see my smile get bigger, that's for damn sure. you can put money on that.

it should have been my lifelong career, putting these oblivious douchetwats in their place. how they could be so ignorant of oppression, as to basically blame the oppressed for being oppressed, and telling them it's just their delusion, they're not actually being oppressed. for people who can pass that off, i can't even feel sorry for them. i wouldn't waste my mutated emotions on something that pointless and empty. and i don't wonder if they're aware of that or not.

because i know why my life has sucked. it may come as a debatable surprise to you, but...

i got bitched at by a stripper around one am this morning for parking in 'her' spot. she had to scream over me, not letting me explain or even apologize, telling me her daughter has anxiety because the other campers who park there steal from their house...

i never like to make it seem like my scars are any worse than anyone else's.

that's never what anyone else ever assumes, in fact quite the opposite. everyone loves to assume i'm stupider than them.

but when your scars are actually worse than the person bitching at you, and acting 'holier than thou' over you, it's hard to hold the comparisons back just for vengeance, especially with the bomb of complex ptsd bouncing around in your head.

i felt like screaming back, i'm forty years old, i have complex ptsd and severe depression from years of abuse, and my two children were fucking stolen from me, i'm sure you wouldn't give a fuck about that cause all you care about is your fuckin self, your selfish life, and whatever you have that i don't have...

but i didn't. i held that in. she'll never hear that. she'll never know or care. and neither of us will ever apologize to eachother. she didn't have to start off attacking me, she might have gotten a better reaction out of me, she's lucky she didn't get a worse reaction, she triggered me, and i could have gone off had i not learned by now how to suppress that shit.

how can i see... that every interaction has the potential to be so much more... human... and why can't i do anything about it?

for me to make this world, or even individual lives any better, i'd have to have control over all lives...

which leads me to think... the ultra wealthy who own this planet and everything on it including you...

they have all those resources, all those trillions of dollars, and...

this is the best they could do? seriously? dominating the poor was their best idea?

it is not fun -

sharing a planet with them.

if i had their trillions and resources and shit... man... how could i describe it...

why do i so desperately dream of having my own country where money and gods are not allowed?

and why does that pipe dream seem so pointless and unachievable?

and why... if i know where my misery comes from, why can i not blame the source?

if i did, i see a world being held accountable for the irresponsible acts... being more mature...

i can't help but see potential everywhere, because to me, everything sucks.

this fucking stomach is bitching and whining like a child and driving me fucking insane. i might have to pack up and use the restroom again. waiting for the weed store to open at eight, then i have therapy at eleven.

i fucking hate my life. i hate this world so much.

the thing is, everyone just thinks they're so much better than me, they're always right, i'm always wrong... and i'm sick of that.

i'm sick of everyone always assuming i'm just like everyone else.

i'm sick of males coming up to me, talking to me. i should really do what the deicide dude did, he branded an inverted cross in his forehead, trying to make it obvious enough, keep your god cock the fuck outta my fuckin throat... i need to brand 'anti male' into my forehead obviously.

so i wrote on my van this morning, after some other douchebag came up to my van thinking i'm their fuckin friend... i wrote 'i no longer speak to males', and 'males stay the fuck away from me'.

i hurt so fuckin much, in so much intense physical pain, and i don't think my stomach's gonna wait much longer, so i... i think i have to wrap this up for now, but...

this shit's been on my mind heavily for a long time now.

but... i got a comment on deviantart this morning that really melted into my heart. she'll probably never read this, as i still keep all my sites separate from eachother, but... thank you, paige.

anyway... have to baby this stupid stomach now. fuckin whiny little twat. i hate this body so much, it is not mine, it is merely a fuckin defective vessel. and i cannot wait to leave it.

and i will always seriously consider never coming back here.

what's it like, to wonder, for most of your life, what other planet you belong on more, or how far in the future should you have been born for anything to seem better.

this planet is still in its infancy.
the universe is expanding.
that tells me, we're barely going from our diapers to our training wheels.

i really shouldn't have shown up till we were at least driving, if not flying.

and all that 'run before you can walk' bullshit... all i can say to those losers... wait till they see their speedometer and realize how detached from reality they are. buffoons.

i fuckin hate everyone, and i'm fuckin proud of that. i don't need friends, i need an army. friends are fucking useless and overrated. and until they realize that... my smell keeps them away.

no one else can tell me what i am. i say what i am. i defy them.

i am a narcissist. i am an asshole. i am a sexist. if you have a problem with that, you should not be anywhere near me, or you're going to feel really fucking stupid, and anything you say will be fucking pointless and used against you.

i am an godhating antitheist. i am a moneyhating anarchist and fuckin proud of it, and that ain't never fuckin changing, not for you or anyone else. the more you try to convert me or convince me, the more hatred i can grow at will. and it is my choice whether you think so or not.

i am a nudist, which means i fucking hate clothing, and your fears hanging off of them.

and lastly, but most certainly not least, even to you... and you better pay the fuck attention and understand this one, because this separates me from you more than anything else. this defines me as a completely different breed of human.

I AM A MUTHERFUCKIN HARDCORE, HIGH OCTANE, HIGH CALIBRE, VISCERAL CEREBRAL MUTHERFUCKIN METALHEAD!!! I'M SO HARDCORE, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR METAL!!! SO STAY THE FUCK OUTTA MY MUSIC COLLECTION!!! YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC SUCKS GOATTWAINT AND I CAN PROVE IT ON A GIRL'S NAKED ASS!!!

mutherfucker.

we have nothing in common. we are nothing alike. we do not see eye to 3ye.

and i don't see why we should agree on anything. it's up to me to walk my own path, not you.

i know myself, and that's more than you can say for yourself. clone.

bitches

my heart hurts so much that i can't even write anymore. i can't look at people anymore.

this world is full of fake fucking people. they're all fake. every fucking one of them.

they're all addicted to drugs, money, or gods, and nothing resembling truth. or love.

it's wrong to ask for love. at least they make it seem that way.

every woman i try to talk to...

they can't wait to start off blaming me, like i'm the big problem, i'll never be good enough.

truth is, this world doesn't deserve something as cool as me, they can't even help me do anything.

women are not worth the pursuit anymore. they're not worth shit.

from now on, you bitches want anything from me, you fuckin pay up front.

fuckin snobs.

you take all the fun out of life. i hope you burn in hell for it.

fuckin put out. fuck someone. heal some fuckin hearts. before being selfish twats.

misery

i have a cold. i keep sneezing. the last sneeze made me bite my tongue again. i so fucking hate normal people. i hate everyone. i hate couples. i hate happy people. i hate tattoos. i hate piercings. i fucking detest males. i fucking hate males so much i can't even find the words. but i'm not happy with women either. they refuse to acknowledge me. they're all cowards.

i really do not belong anywhere on this planet. everything is too wrong for me.

males still won't stop staring at me even though i wrote STOP STARING on the back of my laptop.

i fucking want to die. i'd give my life to have this nightmare end and be over with.

i hate males dragging their pants on the ground. i hate that everyone is having a better time than i am. and they can't even relate to mine. a sneeze every two minutes, blowing my nose every other two minutes, my eyes are flooded with tears and snot, my head feels like a boston cream donut.

i can't even write anymore. nothing i want to say. no one i want to say it to.

i just...

i know how this sounds, but... i can't stop picturing myself turning into a suicidal rapist.

i don't want that to happen, but i'm losing the ability to care. because no one can care about me.

it's the nightmare between the nightmare of no women looking at me, and the nightmare of all males staring at me... it's the confusion betwixt all that. the tension in my shoulders.

and... to top it off... the whole 'no end in sight' thing... tunnel with no light...

payday

i feel like shit. i feel so sick. stomach is insane, gastroparesis is like a war in my chest. getting my van running today, hopefully, paid up my hot chocolate tab. still have to pay my friend, seventy five for a battery, twenty for an alternator, more for labor. stomach hurts so much and just won't stop. got a call from sarah at facing homelessness yesterday. they are really intent on never helping anyone, and just being a front, a facade... everything is a lie. it's hard to even breathe anymore. this heart won't stop shaking. males won't stop staring at me, women still won't look at me. the way cops stare at me, it's like they're expecting me to break any random law right in front of them. like i'm such a threat.

i really don't think i have the will to keep living anymore. not if i have to live alone. everyone has to make it seem like finding a woman like me is so unimaginably impossible... they seriously think having a job is the only way to live, and they condemn anyone who doesn't agree. i'm sick of all males having to stare at me. i feel like such a moron, sound like such a moron. just a loser piece of shit. i can't even think. i try so hard. people just can't stop expecting me to be like every other human, and the more i tell them about me... the less they understand. people just can't stop shoving that 'security' and 'capitalism' and 'you need to love yourself' propaganda bullshit down my fucking throat. they all say the same bullshit, and even when i tell them that... it does no good. these people are simply incapable of understanding why i don't want a fucking job. how fucking hard can it be?

there's just no fuckin way anyone's ever gonna give a fuck about me. without me paying them for it. i feel so small and insignificant. don't know why the fuck i'm even talking. no one gives a fuck. no one has read so much as a single post on this blog in at least five years. what's the fuckin point.

i don't know what to say or who to talk to anymore. everything i say is wrong. or 'inappropriate'. or just too negative. my favourite starfucks girl, candice, was just talking to a... i can't even fuckin say it. i'm pretty sure i'm just gonna end my fuckin life soon. there's really no point in living anymore.

the 'freedom of speech' no longer exists.

this stupid stomach will not stop growling at me. i feel hated by everyone.

dear ps community

i'm really really tired of y'all making me out to be the bad guy. bringing the worst out of me on a daily basis just like any other online community. it's really sad, and it really needs to stop. the level of bullying and abuse on this and every other site is staggering and appalling. not to mention the level of immaturity.

i'm a writer, a poet, a thinker, and i've written some very beautiful poetry, and i've had some astonishing visions of how this world would look if we knew what 'better' actually was. i have a gift of being able to see our potential, and, contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing.

i would like to do open mic. i would like to start a metal band. i would like to start photography. i would like to design my own computer from the ground up that gives each end user full complete control over their own entire desktop environment. i would like to build my own sovereign nation for outcasts like me. i would like to make movies about how this world could be better if physical contact were our only currency. i would like to integrate all of that into one big thing, called 'digital synaesthetix'. imagine walking into your home, you say a few words, and the mood lighting and music match your mood. i can do that. imagine your digital world, your computer desktop, looking like no one else's. i can do that. i have a lot of value in me, and i don't understand why no one else can see it. it's not because it's invisible, it's because you choose not to see it. you choose to see the worst in me, which brings out the worst in me, because i have been abused by the same thing already for so long.

i even have a list of what i call 'mandatory educational material for evolution' (or m.e.m.e. for short), which includes all three zeitgeist documentaries, dmt the spirit molecule, above majestic, both american drug war documentaries, as well as 'what in the world are they spraying' and much more. the easiest way to get informed that i have collected over the years. and i can't even get anyone to watch one with me because you're all always too busy. too busy obsessing over jobs, gods, drugs, or who knows what evil horrible stuff is in your heads that keeps you from accepting me as something royally different than you.

so please. out of the kindness in my heart, between all the scars and wounds, i'm begging you all, please, stop trying to see the worst in me, and try to start appreciating something good about me, so i can stop feeling so abused and persecuted and beaten down, so i can stop having to defend myself, repeat myself, explain myself, constantly, every day, digging through a jungle of assholes just to find one brave unemployed, unaddicted woman capable of accepting me for who i am rather than changing me because i'm just not good enough.

i know i'm good enough for one special woman out there who can see as clearly as i can that money is just another drug, that god is just another drug, that anything the system sells you is just another drug meant for satiation, making you dumber, not smarter, making you weaker, not stronger, making you more common and less younique. i can see it. it doesn't make me your enemy. so please. can we agree to drop the swords and let me find the love i deserve? can we please stop the warfare and start donating love to the cause? please? if you're not going to love me and accept me, is it too much to ask that you kindly step out of the way, and let someone else get my attention? please? i'm begging you all, each and every one of you. i do not deserve these constant blows to the heart. i really don't. and if you seriously cannot see that i'm just defending myself, rather than attacking you... maybe we should just have different sites, different countries, or even different planets.

is it too much to ask that i stop being persecuted for not wanting a job? for wanting a woman who doesn't need a job? for wanting a woman who just enjoys the simple life, and not being tied to an atm everyday?

that's all i want. and i don't think it's too much to ask. ask yourself, if you were me, and this is what you wanted, and instead, you had to slice your way through a thick jungle of hatred, accusations, assumptions, misconstrusions (if that's even a word), and just any form of degradation, isolation, exclusion, humiliation and abuse they can throw... how would that make you feel? if you didn't want a job, and every employed person in this world had to throw a monkey turd at you, and demand that you get a job because how dare you live a different way, how dare you not pay your taxes for a country who rejects you and turns you into a fugitive, a refugee, an animal, running for the hills, the border, or the water, just to catch a breath.

do you have any idea what it feels like to be persecuted?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be condemned?

do you have any idea what it feels like to sacrifice everything, lose everything else?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be the only one who's changing your life? escaping the norm?

please. stop making me out to be the bad guy. stop bringing out the worst in me.

if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. keep your opinions to yourselves.

please. if any woman is going to love me, it cannot be with the wounds you have given me.

stop the condemnation, stop the persecution, stop the misunderstanding.

all i'm looking for is one unemployed and unaddicted woman. should it really be this difficult?

she shouldn't be that hard to find, she probably feels just as abused and crushed as i do.

just as invisible, unwanted, hated, ashamed...

these swords aren't in my hands for a war against you. they're just trying to get you out of the way so i can find love. can you not understand that? please?

i want a woman. which means, males, please stay away from me, do not speak to me, have a little respect.

i want an unemployed woman. which means, any employed women who are too busy... please stay away.

i want an unaddicted woman. which means, any women with addictions to drugs, coffee, money... please.

i really don't think this is too much to ask of seven billion fellow humans sharing a planet together.

i'm even offering to pay someone to be a wingfriend of sorts. if you can help me find a woman like this, i will gladly paypal you a hundred bucks. the longer she sticks around, the more grateful and cooperative i'll be.

but you're never going to get a docile, positive slave out of me. i just cannot be another one of you. there are enough positive people in this world, you shouldn't have to condemn me for choosing to be different.

please. truce? white flags? i will gladly keep my anger to myself, if you can keep your condemnation to yourselves.

i have asked this before.

meicide

i feel like such a fuckin loser.
all i ever wanted was love.
i've sent out too many
unanswered messages like that.
i really don't belong here.
no one's ever gonna fuckin love me.
i've tried to enhance too many
lives that just didn't want it.

kill the rich

these hot fuckin bitches get to have so much fun.
they never sacrifice shit.
they never hurt.
you bitches just will not fuckin look at me.

done

gonna fuckin kill myself.
no one gives a fuck.

exhausted

i am so sick of this life. i have no idea what the hell to do right now. i'm on my laptop, but... i'm sick of positivesingles, everyone on there is too immature to talk to, they just throw insults around, which is pretty odd for a community of people with herpes. you wonder why the fuck they've resorted to throwing insults instead of fucking eachother. i wish i could remind those people, they have herpes, not only does that mean half of the challenge is already out of the way, but... you know... there are two different puzzles, there's the normal people puzzle, and the herpes puzzle, and you're just a piece in a new puzzle, plenty of new pieces to fit with. but they just don't think of it that way, instead, for whatever stupid reason, they think that... because they have herpes, that gives them an excuse to shit on everyone, and blame me for it. why did i get the lifelong scapegoat role. i ordered the lifelong pussy platter.

i pushed my van closer to the starfucks last night. i've only got thirteen bucks left for the rest of the month, which means i can't even get weed, i'm out of weed, i need socks. but i really don't even know what to look for or where to look for it.

...

well... i just spent the last hour talking to tifanee. the main thing i can keep thinking is... i'm not good enough for her. she's sitting across from me talking about pursuing her dreams, i'm sitting here behind the same fuckin barricade of self destruction i can't even agree with.

i really don't feel like i was responsible for destroying myself. i know that's what everyone says. why does everyone else think that... if anything bad happens in your life, it's only your fault, and no one else's... i really cannot understand that perspective, it's so backward and wrong.

if i'm responsible for getting hit by a car, then why do we have cops?

my mind feels fucking stunted. i just sat here talking to her for the last hour. i saw nothing wrong with her at all, i was infatuated. fascinated. but... i just feel like... like when i look for the reflection in her eyes, i just see a turd sitting there. i have no fucking clue what to think.

how come everyone else got a dose of inspiration, and they were able to use theirs, but my dose of inspiration was bigger, and my supportive circle was... nonexistent. abusive.

and then i always get blamed and held responsible for my own abuse. if i was held back in my life, it can only be my fault, not the teachers, not society... not that blame is even necessary, it's not blame i'm trying to aim for here. but shouldn't there come a time when society says 'okay, we get it, we failed you', and at least step out of the way, or... is this even a fuckin debate or not.

i just feel like a useless piece of shit, no matter what anyone says to me, if they tell me the empowering stuff, i still feel like a piece of shit, if they tell me the degrading stuff... i feel the same, there's no difference. i just feel invisible.

she says that when you say those words, you're giving them existence, power...

i've... i don't know what to say. i can't think. my head is just... imprisoned in this shell of what everyone else says, the ancient writings on the cell walls, it's not tradition to me, it's superstition.

i feel that i had tried to think positive before all this shit, and that it got me nowhere, because it doesn't matter if you're thinking positively about your gifts... if no one else is giving a shit about your gifts, where is it going to get you? if you obsess over your gifts and keep shoving them in everyone else's faces, are they going to be more inclined to accept you? or just more annoyed?

think about it, if the only colour on this planet were gold, and you come along trying to sell everyone a silver cheeseburger... do you think they would ever buy it?

or let me put it this way... if this were a truck loving nation, and you traveled from japan at the risk of everything to sell your prius to the americans... what would your sales pitch be?

'i know you guys love your trucks, but look at this thing!'.

yeah, i've never been that guy. i'm not a salesman, so selling my own product to a crowd of shoppers... it's really not what i'm here for. i don't see why you should have to get anyone else interested in your ideas for you to just exist in your own life, why should your success depend on anyone else? but it does. and that's the secret illusion they hide from you at all costs.

they insist that you're on your own. they insist that you have to build your own life. they have other people demonstrating that they have done so.

but ask every single one of those successful people, 'who helped you?'.

find out what support they had. figure out if they actually had to do every little step of the way, every little brick in their building by themselves, with no help from anyone, not one other person ever lifting so much as a brick or a nail, go ahead, i'm already doubled down.

all i see is the way males stare at me. you want me to see anything else?

good people have yet to grace my television screen. good advice has yet to, either.

so i really don't see the 'humanity' that humanity is insisting that i see. it just looks like an illusion to me, filled with the hot air of lies, self justifying propaganda.

i've wanted to dig to the core of this problem since i was born. i was never allowed to, and the reason i say that is the same reason you're already arguing it. i really don't have any faith that you're going to understand that much. in fact, i'm confident i have to rephrase that a few more times before it sinks in. this is just from my personal experience. if i should have had another personal experience...

seems to me like you coulda been there.

but... after talking to tifanee... i just feel like a turd. she walks away, and i'm just left sitting here... i feel like a grandfather on nickelodeon, getting a bucket of green slime dumped on me by some vengeful little shit. crowd pointing and laughing. why do i feel that way?

i don't feel like i have had as much control over my own words as even others may seem to think.

because i've tried putting into my head that i am cool, i am awesome, but...

if i'm thinking that, it only gives me like... fifty points and a one up.

but if she's thinking that i'm awesome... that's a thousand points and five up.

but then again, look at it the other way... if i think she's awesome... that's like taking three gold coins from her, and possibly her lunch, too. so how is any man supposed to think he's cool enough for her to think the same fuckin thing? i really don't see it, the math does not add up.

no, i still just feel like a turd, it doesn't matter what i think, say, or do. if i'm a turd in her eyes, that's all i'm going to feel like, and she can't understand that. any 'she'. any 'her'. any fucking woman.

but she was telling me all this... success... of hers... and... all i have to show is failure, the dreams don't matter for shit if they're just dreams. i could have made the best record on earth, but if it was never burned onto a cd, or etched into a fuckin vinyl or whatever... who the fuck is ever gonna give a shit?

so... that's it. i feel like i just made more of an awkward ass of myself and got no closer to a woman.

she's adorable, and i felt like offering her everything, but...

god... three dominant douchebags just had to walk in and boy... stared at me for about five seconds straight, all three of them, just 'do da lee doo, what the fuck is that...???'.

i can't even think right now, my mind is sauced from talking to tifanee...

...

well, fuck it, now i just spent the last hour arguing with... stupid facebook bitch yet again. the one who constantly has to degrade me and nag me about how horrible i am and that i don't want help despite my pleas. i feel like such a piece of shit. so... i forget what all i was saying anyway, but it's ten am, and i'm gonna go back out to my van, cause i already can't think for shit, too much chaos and interruptions of thought, i never get to think what i want anyway, people just can't stop telling me how i should think. and i am so sick of that. sick and fucking tired of that.

tifanee was trying to say, if you think to yourself 'i am awesome, i am...'... whatever... that it becomes true... but i still always feel like saying... if that were true... wouldn't it have happened by now? wouldn't anyone else but me think i was cool? i mean, i'm forty fuckin years old, what did i miss?

cause i seem to know, that if i had stood in front of otep shamaya ten years ago and said 'i'm fuckin awesome', she would have rolled her eyes like any other empty bitch, and hid behind a fuckin door till security trashed me in a dumpster. you think otherwise? go ahead, spew.

cause we all know, there's a sea of ears under you...

every fucking time

every fucking time i catch a male looking me in the eye...

every fucking time... every fucking day...

it just disturbs the shit outta me. it won't stop. it will not fucking stop.

they will not fucking stop. it's every fucking day. several times a day.

they can't stop staring at me, they can't stop asking me for shit.

why can't they stop? it is so traumatic, so disturbing, that every single fucking one of them has to look into my eyes.

no matter their social status...
whether they're above me or below me...

they have to stare, they have to look me dead in the eye, in the most uncomfortable way, and i cannot fucking stand it anymore, i can't look away quick enough.

i fucking hate this life. i fucking want to die so bad.

just now, talking to the starfucks lady, there's some douchebag standing behind me staring over my fucking shoulder at my fucking desktop... god, get the fuck away from me! you sickening fucking creeps! he's complete scum, long strangly hair, dirty clothes, jeans... scumbag! just staring at me, i can't even talk to another woman without some douchebag being right fucking there! the second i'm done talking to her, i look back, he's just right fuckin there, like 'dude, can i see?'

you make me fucking sick. you make me fucking suicidal.

how many fucking males do i have to tell? stay the fuck away from me!

god, i'm disturbed and shaking to the core of my fucking heart, man.

i feel like this heart's just gonna stop beating if a woman doesn't touch me soon.

even the bitches on positive singles, i swear they're paid by the cia to be as cruel as possible. there's no other excuse. you shit on people, and blame them for doing the same. the shit stops with you, asshole. the abuse stops with you. i fucking want to die.

vile twats

all women can do is belittle me.

i have yet to be proven wrong.

i fucking want to die.

reversal

i really wish women could have looked at me.

i really wish men could have stopped staring at me.

not even fat women will look at me.
not even ugly women will look at me.
not even old women will look at me.
not even homeless women.

but all males have to stare.

you make me so suicidal, i'm surprised i'm still here.

i fucking want to kill myself so bad.

you women make life so miserable.
does it really have to be this impossible to get laid?
do seven billion women have to say no to me?

pussy

i fuckin just wanna fuckin die man.

you bitches are never gonna fuckin look at me.

how many types of women can you think of?

there's the goodie two shoes employee snob prudes that think you're not a human till you're employed and they try to change you and stuff you into some douchebag mold.

there's the drug addicts. i don't even count them.

that's pretty much all i ever get to encounter.

if you know of any others, let me know.

i am still hoping to find an unemployed, unaddicted woman. or, a jobless, drugless, godless woman.

where are the bad girls who rebel against the norm?

seriously, are there any left?

violated

i have been so violated by god. for so long.

he never brought love and acceptance.

he only brought condemnation and degradation.

but if i deny that delusion... the delusion gets more forceful and hostile.

remind you of anyone else? deceiver of sorts? dictator?

i have washed my hands of god, rid myself of god.

and i'm so happy. now i have more room in my heart for godless vagina.

she just could not stop

she just could not stop violating my heart and raping my ear with her god.

will they ever stop, or will they drive me to suicide?

let another one go

there was just a homeless lady in this starfucks that looked sober and cool, and i really should have asked her to stay with me, but i am so fucking sick of being rejected everytime... and then i just hate myself when they walk away... fuckin hate myself. i really could have asked her. but she left. and i didn't. i could have told her i have a van. i fuckin hate myself, man.

but the flawless track record of rejection is just fucking pathetic. that's all women ever say is no. and then they lie, and say they say yes, bull fuckin shit, man, when? when? to what? to who?

you fuckin frauds, man. my heart just fuckin hurts. and no one cares.

update, managed to find the same girl, she's in my van now, of course she's a methhead like everyone else, but she's fifty... she's here.

update, her name's carol, and apparently she's sticking around. did it finally happen?

update, seven am, she left twelve hours ago to do her drug and never came back. she said two hours. of course. that's all i ever get. vacant ghost friends. thanks, humanity, for being so awesome. sick of this shit happening to me.

update, four pm, she's back, it's fucking snowing. I'm miserable.

waiting

i can't be productive because i'm always waiting for everyone else while they're being "productive", but they're not being productive, they're just perpetuating a delusion.

stranded

radiator blew again, stuck in dollar tree parking lot. apparently waiting for a tow, don't even know when, i'm broke till monday. charging in the library, trying to ponder patreon stuff. hard to think with so much pain. the pain in the heart, the loneliness, is always the worst. that's the part no one seems to care about.

the tree of evil

here's an idea. I've studied money my whole life and I've decided i want nothing to do with it, so describe the whole tree of evil sprouting from the roots... from my perspective as i see things, to explain to people how I'd rather live in this world. is that possible?