does anyone hear me

i don't even know what to say anymore. i don't know what words i could use to define how i feel. i don't know how honest i'm allowed to be about how i feel. i've been torn down to nuthing. she's shredding my sanity. she puts her hand over my mouth. she just demands that i be positive, instead of trying to understand what's made me so negative. she won't get herself any help. i've been trying for so long, but i really think it's pointless. i don't know what else to do. i'd feel bad if i left her, but she won't even let me leave her. she won't give me a minute alone to protect my sanity. she's forcing me out of my head. she keeps apologizing, but it's like someone saying 'oh, sorry, am i breaking that? oh, i'm sorry, am i destroying your life? here, let me fix that'... while they're swinging the baseball bat around. she destroys everything. and i'm always left cleaning up her mess. i can't, my sanity can't handle this anymore. this stupidity. the mess. she's made a mess out of my life in so many ways. just like my ex did. i don't know what to do anymore. i can't stand the mess. the mental mess, or the trash around me. never being able to find my shyt, never having anything to drink in the morning, even if i leave my shyt next to me when i crash, and leave water in the fridge, it will not be there in the morning, because the people around me are far too chaotic to understand what i need. they're too irresponsible to even learn how to spell right. punctuation is no longer 'in'. i've been trying to get her help, or suggest help to her in a nice way, but she takes it as an insult every time, and then starts trying to kill me. i'm scared for my life at this point, and i have no one i can tell. when is anyone ever going to care about me. what did i do to vanish from everyone's heart in this stupid city that was never worth my presence in the first place. i can't do this. i can't breathe. i can't think. i never get to think anymore, and when i do, it's always too chaotic, and i can't figure out what words i need to say to make some sense of it all. too much disaster happens for me to be able to sort thru the rubble of my life and put anything back together. i keep asking her to get help, and it's just never anyone else's priority, but they're all preaching about priorities, but the ones they're all bitching about... are mine. what is so wrong with my priorities. i used to have some good ones. not that anyone was ever paying any attention. i am the boy on that album cover. i am the boy in the corner of the room. unnoticed. ignored. neglected. rejected. disowned. and no one cares. what the fuck did i ever do. could someone tell me, at least then i would know. this world makes a person want to kill themselves, and then this world tells them not to. we design smoking areas, and then put no smoking signs next to them. we make entrance ways, and then block them off, because it's 'art'. and no one sees the logic i speak, no one makes any sense of this, no one cares, you just spit out excuses, and your authority validates them. i've been asking her to get some help. to stop hurting me. she just won't. she won't stop badgering me, smothering me, dominating me, treating me like a fucking prisoner. she obviously had the wrong understanding of 'daddy/babygirl'. i think she thought of it more like 'baby/daddygirl'. why did my parenting abilities have to be so... questioned doesn't stick. examined. probed. interrogated. what the fuck did i ever do. will anyone ever care enuph to at least answer me. nicole just blocked us, no word why, nuthing for three months, and then just 'block'. uh... is it just me. am i the only one who sees the grade level of the entire fucking earth. we could have a reality show that was a battle of iqs, to find who the smartest person is. but no one would watch it. we'd get bored after justin timberfake got excluded. in round one. level one. hell, the beginning of the show, we'd see the premise, and we'd start flipping toward kardashians. like they're our intellectual superheroes guiding humanity in a more logical direction. why can't we have a show called 'the john lennons of the world'. 'the people actually trying to make life better'. and not focus most of that show on fucking firefighters and law enforcement. could we reach that achievement at this point in our devolution. i hold no faith. it's not about getting better, it's about getting paid. if there's no money in it for you, you're not interested. i'm scared for my life. i'm losing my mind. i keep asking her to get help, but she won't, she just keeps pushing me away, destroying who i am, refusing to admit what she's doing to me. why is everyone the same. why can no one admit that they're ever wrong, or what they're doing wrong. why does no one know the definition of responsibility anymore. and why does everyone just intentionally misunderstand those words, in an effort to place the blame arrow directly at me and lock it down. when is anyone ever going to care about me, and that i had a life that was destroyed... that's not on anyone's headlines or on twitter, or anything else for that matter. does no one care. why did my life have to die this way. i wanted to be something. i wanted my point to be relevant in anyone else's heart, just for one second. but i never even got to make my point, this planet didn't come equipped with an attention span. just a criminal history. and to think, i came here to make things right. what an idiot i was. unless you're wearing a red and gold metal suit, we ain't listenin' to yer 'solutions' you call 'em. gee, thanks, people. i appreciate that. i cherish that, as my denial of your 'antisuicide' request. fuck you, fuck your world, fuck your rules, and fuck your skewed idea of respect. i am afraid for my life, and no one will help me. i am losing my mind, and you're all just waiting for me to join you. i don't know what to do to make her get help. to get herself better. so that she can love me the way she says she does. i don't know what else to do. she won't listen to me. she won't understand my words. i don't know what else to do. i am that loser in the chair. i have disappeared. i no longer matter, in a world where i never really mattered to begin with. my life is over. i've already lost everything else, why not just lose my life as well. i'll just let her snap and kill me one day, and then i'll go up to heaven, and god will look at me and say 'why the fuck did you let her stab you, you idiot, that's all your fault, we're not letting you in here, you're a moron, you never listened to our illogical laws and restrictions, you just thought you could do something cool with your life, and that's not what life is about, you're supposed to just be a slave at that point in your evolutionary process, cause you don't have the colletive intellect to achieve anything further yet, couldn't you figure that out, what the fuck is wrong with you, it's like you pretty much stabbed yourself, good going, genius, we blame you for all of it, and hey, news flash, YOU WERE WRONG THE WHOLE TIME, we don't buy logic here, this is a world of limitations and excuses, because you're actually in a playground festering on some other kid's blacklight in some other psychedelic universe, i was just trying to grow you out of this delusion, but you wanted to change the world, what a fucking loser! get a fucking job, genius! be a slave to the grind like everyone else who thinks they're sane enuph to diagnose your mental defects. you fucking moron, you were the one who should have been listening this whole time, till you understood that logic is not a priority. now shut the fuck up and go to hell, where you can try to do some good, jackass!'. i'm a delusional loser, and my mother was right. that's why i'm such a failure, i came from you, mom. i learned it by watching you. i wanted to succeed, and that's not welcome in this world, unless someone is paying you for it. fuck you all. i want my sanity back. you stole it from me, and it's wrong of me to ask for it back. but the lunacy you spew is justified by god himself. i never wanted to lose my sanity. i wasn't part of your game show. i just want to be heard. understood. and that's always too much to ask, no matter which responsible person i ask. what the fuck is going on here, why do my words not translate anymore, why do i not communicate. why are my words, when did my words become this irrelevant, and why. could someone please tell me. am i the one who is insane. or do the people on a kink community who promise to be nice, and then break their promise, and it's okay with the entire community, cause i don't have any emails that aren't automated. can anyone figure that out. please, i'll put you on a reality show if you figure this out for me. instead of just telling me, 'care about yourself, jackass'. is it wrong for me to feel this... ugly.