misery and agony

well, since i never got to tell anyone who cares about my morning, i guess i'll tell my blog. yesterday was fucked. i came home, my head was not right, no one would talk to me online, so i figured i'd drive up and get a case of beer and a burger. i had twentysix bucks left, i figured i could get a case of beer, a burger, and a bag of cereal for that. i went into fry's to look for my mike's hard lemonade six packs. they didn't have any. they had twelve packs, or mike's hard lemonade lite. so i ended up having to get the lite, and by then, my brain was so fucked price wise, that i just left the store without any cereal or anything else. we're still out of kleenex and toilet paper, so i can't shit, and can't wipe the tears off my face, once again. it's something i wrote in my poem 'god's gravity' that i lost. i hate this life, i hate this world, i'd much rather put a bullet thru my head, than sit around waiting for someone to like me. so i left fry's, and got my burger, and drove home. i sat here for a while, trying to get up the appetite to eat the whole burger. long story short, last thing i knew, i was half way thru my burger and my first beer. next thing i know, i'm waking up this morning. that's the second burger in a row i've wasted, i've got five full bottles of warm beer next to my bed. but i wake up this morning, and i get a huge pop out of my neck finally, so my first thought of the day, for once, is not 'this fucking mucus', but rather, 'oh, it might be an okay day'. wrong. god decides to nosedive me straight into the ground. i miss my girl. i sat here... i turned my computer off, so i wouldn't keep hoping for some life to shine thru it. and i just kept it off. i smoked a cigarette, figuring i'd enjoy the quiet morning, and the birds, and pretend i was homeless alone this morning without any power, because i pretty much am. no one's going to talk to me online, no one's ever going to care about me. so i laid down for a minute after the cigarette, and just started crying. i sat up, wrote my daughter a little suicide note, and cried my eyes out for about half an hour. had to clean my face with rough paper towel. you know, when you see that person... sitting alone in their room... all electronics off... crying their eyes out... well, when you fail to see that person crying their eyes out, is when you fail to see that person kill themselves. and then it hurts you that they're gone. you'd think you'd learn from your mistake.