another wasted day

and it's all my fault.

this is already turning into a horrible fucking day. in the shelter, i don't know why i was so deep asleep, or what, but the dude decided to wake me up when i was the last one left in the room, and had ten minutes to get up and get out. thanks, asshole. then, i tried asking him where a trash can was, and couldn't get an answer out of him that was loud enuph to hear. i left the shelter, skipped breakfast, and hopped on a bus for free, to come all the way up to university district, to the urban rest stop to get my laundry done, and get these bed bugs out of my clothes finally. i've only been able to bum two cigarettes so far this morning, i'm being ignored noticably moreso than before, i'm starving, and fucking sober. i sit there waiting for them to open. the stupid girl comes out, and starts signing everyone else up first. i tell her, i desperately need my laundry done today. the word desperate doesn't affect these people at all. she says 'i have to sign everyone else up first, but i'll get back to you'. she comes back, and says 'we don't have any places for you today'. i couldn't hold back my anger, so i screamed at her, 'waste my fucking time!', and got up and walked away. wasted my whole fucking day, that was supposed to be my friday, was laundry and friday feast like i did the first time. now i have to deal with bugs in my clothes for another week. then, watch me come back next week, and they say 'you can't be here'. you cannot deny homeless people their resources!

so i came up to the library in the university, and i'm sitting here using their ethernet. i don't know what else i can do today. i might as well just go back downtown. you fucks truly do not realize how much time you waste in people's lives. how much effort. how much pain you cause. how much misery. you just don't fucking know. there's no way you'll ever get it. and that's fucking sad. it's not a good thing.

another option, is i can sit here all day till i find someone online who will talk to me and help me. i don't see that working.

i hate this fucking city already, i hate the greedy, selfish, stingy fucking people here. i want to leave. i don't like the weather... i don't really like any of it. i haven't had a good moment since i've been here. i might as well just go elsewhere and try again. this is stupid. and why try to get an apartment in such an expensive city. just because i want to pursue my talents. i'd rather just move to a small cheap town and disappear for a while at this point. i fucking hate not having any options, having all my choices raped away from me. you humans are something fucking else. if you can't successfully help one person... what fucking good are you.

you aren't worth shit in my eyes. you aren't worth the dollar that controls you.

my lungs won't shut up, my snot won't leave me alone...

i honestly feel like i'm losing my heart. i'm filled with so much hatred, i don't feel right.

i just don't feel like myself anymore. i don't like myself. because i can't find anyone else to like me. i'm either going to start killing people soon, or kill myself.

but i cannot take this pressure anymore, this chaos is getting too out of control, and i can't handle what's happening. i can't stand to see what my eyes are seeing. it's just too painful.

someone please help me. just get me out of this situation, and we'll work it out later.

i might as well just go back downtown and get the free meals, and have nowhere to get online. i fucking hate this shit. the people responsible for putting me in this position deserve to die. that's all there is too it. and if it comes to the point where i need to just start killing everyone that approaches me until people stop coming at me with violence and realize what they did wrong in the first place to push me to this... well... i don't know. i really don't want that. but i feel it coming. every day, they try harder to push me to that. every day gets worse, not better. no matter how much hope i can muster, it goes south quick.

my music doesn't help much anymore, cause i rarely get to hear any. movies, i don't get to watch. pot doesn't help. cigarettes cause more stress than they relieve lately. especially trying to light one when the wind is blowing. all i wanted to do, that would have made me happy, was touch a hot girl, stay stoned, have my music in some sensable order, and maybe have somewhere to stay out of the weather. and not have to walk all day every day. i just wanted to touch one of you ladies. i don't know how my life came to this. i once had so many hopes and dreams. but you relentlessly destroyed every fucking one of them. i never wanted that. what did i do to you fucks to deserve this. who's karma did i inherit, hitler's?

i really don't understand what's going on here. i once had potential. i could have been anything. now, i honestly feel like i'm just going to end up like elliot rodger. making another small dent before it's all over. a puff of smoke in a burning city. nuthing.

does it matter to anyone else on this planet, what i wanted that i never got, and what i got that i never wanted. i can't even talk to my wife. she still hates me.

do you do this to everyone that doesn't fit in your mold, is this what happens to other lives that try to make it. you rip their children away from them, and push them out of society until they snap and destroy something. is this how you treat everyone who's not as good as you. but if you're too stupid to see that i'm better than you... where does that get us.

i'm truly curious. how do i get out of this situation. how do i save this. how do i salvage what little i have left.

your reality is way too insane for me. this town is skidding off the tracks worse than tucson. or maybe stuck in the same stagnant state of refusing to change. i don't know. i had hoped seattle would be openminded and friendly. hempfest was fun, but... those people aren't the same people on the streets. their smiles disappear.

i can't do this. i really thought i could. i hoped i could. and i fucking tried. even though you consistently say i haven't. i don't know why it's any of your business to say what i've succeeded at or not. why do you only give a shit about what a failure you think i am, and not what a success i could be if you looked at me with a smile instead of hatred.

when will anyone hear this, and actually react. does it matter to anyone. does one person matter to the rest of people. if not, something's very wrong here.

if the rest of you can't give a fuck about one person... what good are you. what are you worth. do you even care. do you think you should care. will anyone ever answer.

will i ever get to touch a lady again.
will i ever make another friend.
will anyone ever care about me again.
or will i just plow into the end.

i wanted to like you people. i wanted to be your friend. but i was never good enuph for you.

but never consider you were never up to my standards. perhaps that's why it came to this.

i've lost too much i can't get back. too much irrepairable damage done to me.

and all this because some bitch wasted my fucking time this morning. you treat all homeless people equally, when you shouldn't. and at the same time, there is no equality.

incase some of you out there don't have internet, and can't get to thesaurus.com...

capitalism does not translate to equality.

my heart is broken. thank you all.

goodbye hopes. goodbye dreams. goodbye motivation, ambition, talent...

i'll miss the potential i once had. i could have done anything. i could have rocked this boat.

but you'd rather hear beiber say nuthing. you'd rather stay the same forever.

and i can't do that. i can't be here with you. i can't share this life with more assholes. or i'm gonna start killing them. i'm screaming out for help. crying out for help. and all you hear is wolves howling, cause the boy is already dead.

so thanks, you fucking cunt, for wasting my fucking day. for destroying my plans yet again.

i can't stomach your failures, yet all you can seem to tell me, is where you think i've failed.

i could tell you over and over that your opinions don't mean shit to me, but you'd still force them on me anyway. and that's perfectly okay, you're justified because you're cloned. i bet it's nice to have someone back you up. i've never had that.

you'll never claim any responsibility for any of this, and you'll never change. you'll never see what you've done wrong. and i guarantee you, this world will get worse.

all because you're never wrong. people who think they're never wrong, are always wrong. it doesn't matter what you say, or do, or choose, at that point, you're just wrong. always will be. i don't give a shit how you'd like to debate that, i'm not listening. tell me how it feels to be ignored.

so, i've got no idea what to do right now. i need to sit here and space out till i can think of something. people direct me to so many resources, but i get their, and their resources fail me every time. or just plain kick me out like i'm not even good enuph to be homeless.

i fucking hate you. and i can't get your attention to tell you that.

i can't get your attention to tell you that i really wanted to love you, either.

there's no love here. there's rich plastic assholes with their perfect hot slut trophy girlfriends and wives, and i'm not allowed to have mine. and you don't think you're selfish.

people call me controlling, but if you control my life so much, and suffocate me, and shred every hope of having what you have, or what i need... and you're not controlling? that's not controlling? okay, then how do you define controlling. i don't even get to see the faces of the people most responsible for this fiasco called life. you get to have a good time, but i just can't. you can't even afford to squeeze a reason out of those tight lips.

you just don't care enuph. but there's nothing wrong with you, and everything's wrong with me, and i'm to blame for everything you've done to put this world in this state. okay.

that makes alot of sense. let me get freud's opinion. survey says... just start shooting.

nothing is ever your fault. you're flawless, and that's why you get to participate in life.

and that's fair. we're equal. and we're certainly allowed to use/misuse/preach those words.

fuck it. let's see how bad this can get before it's over. let's see what you've got.

lunch under the bridge at one pm. it's ten now. dinner at four. shelter at seven.

why do you have to be so strict toward people who can't possibly comply.

whatever reason you think there is, there's no reason, no excuse, and you need to realize that.

you're destroying lives. and getting away with it because of higher negligence.

irresponsibility. yet you're the preacher of responsibility. and you're never wrong.

why would i stick around to be your friend. or even to get my way. what would it matter.

fuck it. i'll head down to lunch after a movie. and i have to come up with a new pw.

if i weren't so numb, i would want to cry, but... what's the point. you'd just point and laff.

nice heart, asshole, where'd you get it, ebay?

i'm done. i can't even think anymore. my head is too fucked.

i just wanted to touch you. is that so wrong. compared to how wrong you are.

bugs crawling on my skin.