back in san francisco

okay. finally getting some blogging time. i'm back in sf. i wanted to take advantage of at least the nude beach again while i'm here. and the better food at glide, possible free weed and smokes, easier to get than in berkeley, at least. i still need to figure out how to get in contact with my big brain people, and how to write a book and create my own religion. hopefully have someone helping with those. not sure what else i want to do in california, now my mind is set on illinois, but that's confusing me a little, from pursuing the open mic here in california, and shit like that. i wasn't quite ready to leave the west coast yet, cause this is where all the 'get famous' chances are. and i use that term lightly, cause i ain't in it for the fame or money. but san francisco did confuse the shit out of me, and took a few of my priorities away from me. and some inspiration and motivation. but i figure if i can give it another chance, and get some enjoyment out of the nude beach and all, and somehow try to get down to los angeles before i leave california, but i do need to get behind four warm walls of my own and a door i can lock, that is top priority, so says my body, so you can just shut up.

i'm trying to download music onto my phone, but it's not easy, and i'm running out of space. and it's not easy to find all my music, most of the torrents for them have gone dead, cause everyone already has those collections, so why keep them going, i get it. but it shouldn't be this hard to track down a strapping young lad torrent that will actually download. other than that, i'm still rather confused, without a laptop at least to have my world around me, it's not easy to focus on what i wanted. i have a laptop on newegg.com that i really want, and it's fast enough and cheap enough, only about six hundred bucks, i sure wish i could find someone who's doing well enough that they could buy it for me. other than that, feathers might be sending me two oldish ones, which is fine, i can deal, as long as i can still skin them. i just need some digital me for my eyes. a little world of something mine.

and as i write this part, the song by nine inch nails is playing, called 'something i can never have'. i've always loved that tune. there's alot i thought i'd never have, and still do, but i'm still working to get it all. i hate when people use the terms 'fighting for' and 'dying for', cause i'd rather live for something, and actually live to see it. if you die for your children's future, how do you know they're enjoying it, they're probly miserable without you.

i also wanted to put in here, fragmented or not, a bunch of the music i'm still needing to download, since i can't remember when it comes time to download. i don't often get wifi, so i'm unprepared when i finally get wifi, and i freeze, thinking, oh, shit, what did i want to download, and i try to run through my collection in my head, and i keep thinking, already have that, already have that, and there are only so many bands i can think of anymore, i start listing off, disarmonia mundi, deftones, soilwork, in flames, sonic syndicate, mudvayne, and i can't think past most of those. i wish i could at least have some little picture of my collection and all the bands i like, so i could easily think, oh, yeah, i wanted to download blondie's cover of marilyn manson's the dope show, and then i go to download it, and the file won't download cause no one has that fuckin' song! you fucks!

so if anyone can find some of these songs, or albums, or discographies, and help some of those songs get onto my phone somehow, whether by email or google drive, or something, would sure be fucking wonderful.

and i'm even going to try and keep it listed by heaviness. my music folders on my computer should look like this:

Comedy
Grungy
Light Metal
Heavy Metal
Mellow
Older
Oldest
Tunage

mostly what i'm trying to fill up right now, is grungy and the metals, and some mellow and oldies, but it's not working that well.

in the grungy folder, i have everything from alice in chains, a perfect circle, boy hits car, i mother earth, faith no more, godsmack, disturbed, deftones, tool, ashes divide, altered state, drowning pool, collective soul, mad season, temple of the dog, pearl jam, nirvana, soundgarden, stone temple pilots, white zombie, marilyn manson, nine inch nails, murderdolls, and i'm really trying to think of more. foster the people, florence + the machine, guns n' roses, incubus, coal chamber, jane's addiction, jerry cantrell, machines of loving grace, offspring, radiohead, rage against the machine, violent femmes... i'll keep trying to add to this. there's also alot saved in my facebook, if someone could help me piece that together into an actual list, i've been trying to do so for about a year now, and on library computers, it's fucking retarded and beyond restricted and close to impossible.

light metal is mostly gothic metal, things like that. after forever, the birthday massacre, delain, within temptation, lacuna coil, revamp, epica, theatre of tragedy, type o negative... i can't remember too many of those, but that kills me, cause there were some damn good artists in that folder. down, corrosion of conformity, guns n' roses, danzig... goddamnit. kill devil hill, life of agony, ozzy osbourne. tiamat.

heavy metal folder was fucking... a work of art. alphabetical heaviness. arkaea, chimaira, children of bodom, cradle of filth, disarmonia mundi, fear factory, devildriver, hellyeah, in flames, lamb of god, machine head, meshuggah, mudvayne, opeth, otep, pantera, raintime, soilwork, sonic syndicate, scar symmetry, testament, the agonist, vision of disorder. god, i wish i could remember more of these. where's all my fuckin' metal! in this moment.

anyway, so that's most of what i can think of today. my brain's been fairly thoughtless for the last week. berkeley really sucked. like literally sucked me dry, sucked the life out of me, sucked the thoughts out of my brain, i feel retarded, and can't think of anything. put some acid on my tongue, please.

but anyway, i figured i'd do without glide dinner tonight, just to get some good computer time in. spent a few hours here, it's easier to do in sf, the computers are restricted in just a different way, but i don't actually need to log on just to access the files on my phone, so i don't have to waste internet time dealing with phone files and music and shit, so that's nice.

i'm also really not wanting to go back up to haight, but i'll end up having to just to get some weed. but i'd like to stay around the nude beach as much as i can, and see if i can't meet some fetlife people at least.

when i first built my music collection, i had years to do so, and did a ton of research, and tracking down some of those bands wasn't easy. i used wikipedia, i looked up related bands, i also used last.fm, and looked up similar artists, which was a nice feature, they actually have some taste when it comes to certain metals, if you're looking for someone like theatre of tragedy, they will show you the bands most like theatre of tragedy, it's pretty cool. but not even just those, i mean some of the bands i just randomly heard of, like... shit, what was the one... i need to look this one up right quick, i can't remember what it was... shit, it's not on wikipedia, all i can remember, was the name of the album was something like 'the architects', or something like that, but it was a band i discovered when i was getting gas at a gas station once, and some car pulls by crankin' metal, and i asked him what it was, and it was some local band no one else would ever have heard of. i think it might have been released between 2006 and 2009, and the album cover was a tan/brown colour, like old paper. someone find that fucking album, and i'll give you a cookie.

anyway, i've got twenty minutes left, and no thoughts left, so i might as well call it a night.

try to imagine if you had sixty thousand children, and one day they all disappeared, and you had to remember each one. i had sixty thousand albums of some beautiful music that i truly loved. and i was proud to have shit you won't find on itunes. i had good music that you fucks don't even know about.

i like tootin' my own horn. sounds better than yours.

stay fuckin' metal.

may sixteen, berkeley

okay, what to write about today. i've got half an hour left, and i've got to transfer some files on my phone and flashdrive, and sort the songs, which i don't have time enough to do all of. that makes sense. i don't know why libraries have to be so fucking limited and restricted, they're places for knowledge, you dumb fucks. you shouldn't have to explain that shit to people. get a fucking clue already, goddamnit, we have windows eight, what the fuck are you waiting for! update! upgrade! evolve, goddamn you! jebus nuclear behebus mcstarbucks fuckknuckle christ on a hot dog bun!

okay, rant number two. that's my time for the day. thanks, library.

links for feathers

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new plans finally

okay, so apparently i'm going to illinois. fuck it, i can handle that. i need a change, cause 'west coast' people are not as cool as they said they were. so i'm here at the berkeley library deciding how the fuck i'm to get out of this town. it was easier being broke on haight street. and this computer is beyond slow. and these stupid library computers are so ignorantly restricted for human gerbils that, just to move files from my phone to the sd card on the phone, or even through a flashdrive, which i like to do for backup, i have to move one file at a fucking time. should monkeys have to use computers that way?

so i'm getting the fuck out of california till it gets fun again.

my new online friend, tina, is helping me get to wherethefuck.com illinois. peoria. and i know there's metal concerts in peoria, at least, i've seen that name on the backs of slayer shirts, so i'll be fine, in fact, i think even mudvayne came from around there. i can wiki that anytime i need to.

so how the fuck do i get out of california with no money. san francisco has this thing, called 'homeward bound', where, if you know someone out of california that will help you get set up in a place to live or whatever, that the san francisco place will pay your bus ticket home to them, they put you on a greyhound for free, as long as you're going to where this other person is. so i'm gonna try that again, but that means i have to get back to san francisco. but hey, while i'm there, i might as well take advantage of the free food that i know where it is, the libraries, and the possible nudity, especially on the beach again, that was nice. sounds fun, actually, i wasn't quite ready to leave san francisco, i wanted to have more fun there before i left. there aren't that many other cities where you can be naked and not get shot.

which makes me wonder, what if the second coming of christ was a nudist like he should be?

machine head would be right.

so i've got thirty six minutes left to use this slow ass snail dinosaur piece of shit made of too much plastic and not enough metal, to figure out how the fuck i'm getting where today, and i'm sober and without smoke or money. got pockets full of oranges incase i miss lunch, two bags of skeeter brand, nut free cinnamon graham bears, a bag of mini carrots... wait... skeeter brand, nut free graham crackers... what the fuck! are you serious?

anyway. so that's my day. made a new friend that's actually being human. shows the rest of you, i knew i would find someone better than you. human fucks.

i will create a twelve step program that sobers you up from those credit cards.

to feathers

okay. last night sucked. some smackhead piece of shit kicked me out of my spot, so I had to move. I woke up at one point, heard no music, looked for my phone, couldn't find it... and I wasn't quite awake enough to know what was going on, but it was there. and I have two phones. last month, I bought a little twenty dollar piece of shit android just to have music on, something to listen to for my sanity and to keep the world out. then, beginning of this month, I tried to get my windows phone replaced that's tied to my cricket account that I've been paying for months now without being able to use, and that monthly bill, and the stupidity and greed of my bank over that bill, have been putting me three hundred bucks in the hole every month, so I stopped putting any cash on my bank card, spent all my cash this month, leaving me more fucked because I can't get a new debit card without an address, apparently banks don't like travelers.

but that wasn't intentional what I said last night, that was my ptsd talking, and it's hard to explain. but that's what ptsd does to the human heart. it's made me very hateful, and I don't like being that way. but I found the phone that plays my music, I was texting on my windows phone that actually makes calls and crap, the little android doesn't do shit except wifi, and I kind of like it that way.

now, to answer your other two questions. the first one is a long story. my wife was the only woman I ever met who was capable of leaping right through my tank armor into my heart and staying there. she didn't care about how I was dressed, or that I had no money to give, she just genuinely found me interesting, fascinating, amazing, and constantly told me that. she couldn't get enough of me, she was just curious about me, who I was, everything I told her she loved hearing, and I don't know if it was just because she was so young, or naïve, or uncorrupted by such a fucked world, I don't know, but she loved me more than I ever expected to get out of this world that hates me so much.

so when you say you got past my tank armor, I guess after her, I kind of let it down, but it's still up with all my enflamed people issues and ptsd from traveling the past year, and being homeless the past two years, and having my life repeatedly destroyed the past three years... I guess once in a while, another brain is curious enough to find their way in, but most just get overwhelmed and find their way back out. I don't know. I don't know why no one can find me valuable enough, they all just seem to want money, and no real friendship anymore. and if I ask for friendship, I'm asking too much, and what can I give in return. I do still have a thick armor, but if you were curious enough to find your way in, I guess you can answer that question. I don't consciously let it down, or put it up, I'm just desperately trying to be social so I can get an idea accomplished, but I am the one who's truly antisocial, but I'm having to communicate with a species that is beyond antisocial, and in complete denial of it, and I can't figure that part out. they call me antisocial, and I proudly claim to be, but people on facebook are elitist scum, greedy reptilian fascist clowns and clones and selfish products selling themselves shamelessly and expecting to be surrounded by more valuable products, and I see this barrel of retarded fish hanging onto a fantasy, a dream, a pyramid of lies and illusions, and unhealthy delusions, and I can't fit that ugly piece of death meat into my heart anymore, without feeling like mcdonald's is personally trying to choke the life out of me. I'm very hateful of humanity at this point in their distraction, but when distraction changes to development, my third eye already pictures having a lot more faith, love, and smiles in those around me. but how do I stop attracting psychotics and start attracting psychedelics, when psychedelics seem more fearful than deer in a quiet forest. I'm befuddled and completely lost, and it's not easy at this strange spot in my life, to find ways to communicate and get myself the things I need just to function at the same time, so when I get overloaded by both, I don't do well, and I sound like an asshole. I do apologize.

your second question. no, you're not a cockroach. intelligent people I talk to, and am brave enough to share these rants with, I'm assuming that they'll find this shit pouring out of my mouth humourous, and agree with it, because I know they feel the same way, but I don't know if it's just my artistic, poetic, passionate choice of words, or what, but they just do not seem to understand, it rarely translates, and people always get pissed off at the smallest words in my rant, instead of reading between the lines and seeing the humour in it, and that confuses the shit out of my heart, and really fucking hurts on a daily basis, when people don't laff at my jokes, that simple little act of something wrong in nature, and I feel like exploding. people constantly get bent out of shape over the word 'you' in my rants. and I think to myself, shouldn't people who are intelligent enough, naturally assume I don't mean them, I'm not talking about them, no, of course you're excluded from the general consensus or scope of aim and random spray of my rants, and I can prove it with a simple checklist, because those are the things I'm aiming at, so if you don't:

a: smoke crack,
b: smoke meth,
c: shoot heroin,
d: make bad decisions in life,
e: act irresponsibly,
f: fuck your life away,
g: blame society for willingly being the problem,

then guess what, survey says you're okay, you're in the audience of the jerry springer show, you're not on the stage, and guess what else, for a limited time only, it's not a Gallagher show, so you're safe from spraying watermelons as well! jeepers, mom, guess what's behind door number three?

so yes, I'm trying to say for the billionth time, this is my special brand of dark, deadly sarcasm, toxic hateful wordsmithing and alien speech from a very verbally talented, creative poet who has had his talents dragged through the fucking proverbial primordial pond scum goo pool of shit and tar and bad drugs and worse decisions by people who just clearly do not give a heapin' load of horse turds and goat scrunts and other gifted things that could make excellent death metal song titles or even band names, it's just sarcasm, but it's seen as offensive, and it says on my twitter, I am truly sorry to offend those I like in this world, but I'm built to offend everyone, and I'm waiting for someone to read my twitter and understand that, and approach me as a warm soul, saying 'you can't hurt me with your words, I accept you as you are'.

because it even says on my twitter, and I'm rather proud of this one, because it's kept me alive in some bad situations...

'whoever said 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me', obviously never met me'.

my wife loved that line, but not as much as she loved this one...

yeah, I'm nutty. I dance naked in the rayne and laff at raynebows.

there is a lot of love in my heart, radiating out, pouring out in tears and poems, and I'm waiting for it to stop being so misunderstood and start being loved for the painful truth that it is.

I'm sorry I don't speak to others expectations, but I like speaking my tongue, it's comfortable to me to not conform to what everyone else does, I like being unique, and I'm not going to stop, no matter who it hurts, because I've been hurt so much, that that's all that seems to be pouring out of me lately, which is why I need to get it out of me, into a book, and move on, I want the past out of my life.

I hope that answers your questions. I'm out of time. talk to you in a bit. thank you again.

losing hopes

I've only got about fifteen minutes to write something here. I hate this shit. this world is nothing but inconveniences, and I have ideas to simplify everything, and no one wants to listen to me. I walk into countless libraries, asking countless people for the slightest bit of help or information, and they can't be bothered. I try to think of better ways to phrase my questions, to communicate to them what I'm looking for, or asking for, and they just refuse to have a human heart in place of their chase for dollar bills. does everyone have to be this selfish. I really do not see what you all are chasing after, and why each one of you has to have the same cloned life, the same music collection, the same clothes, what are you all getting out of the same sober experience of this life, why can't just a few of you be lured in my direction by nothing more than your curiosity. does curiosity not exist in your hearts anymore. what do I have to do, what do I have to say, where do I have to go, who do I have to talk to.

I know there are people like me in this world, how the fuck do I find you fuckers, and why do you avoid me, hide from me, run in fear when I see you, saying I overwhelm you, overload you.

if so many people say I overwhelm them, maybe I could put that shit on cd and you could rock to it.

if I ask for help of any kind from any fellow human, I feel like I'm breaking a moral law of theirs.

whose karma did I inherit, hitler's? how much blood have I not given to this earth? how in debt am I?

because I could teach you all something about the national debt you don't want to know.

when will knowledge be valuable, and when will money be no longer valuable.

will I get to burn that last dollar.
will I get to see another human smile in my direction that's genuine and not sarcastic or forced.
will I attract another female eye as long as I exist.
will my wife be the only woman in my life who was capable of looking at me that way.

eight minutes left, I supposed I could say more to fill this time.

why am I not allowed to ask seven billion out of control breeders for the slightest bit of help in going head first against a monetary society I don't agree with, to create my own society and get my kids back from an evil organization that shouldn't even exist, because it's not my fault you overpopulated the planet with violent psychotic unevolved Neanderthals and authorities who don't know their trigger finger from an asshole in the ground. and why does this computer still capitalize the word Neanderthals. no, they are unevolved, so is god. stop capitalizing this shit and telling me how I should write and what I should say. I cracked up a librarian the other day, by saying that people always finish my sentences, and then say 'well, I knew what you were going to say', and then I say 'what, am I that unoriginal, that you already read my thought on twitter last week?', and she chuckled. am I not allowed to finish what I'm saying, ever.

I come from a family of assholes who interrupted me so much, I had to tell my psychiatrist I was being intentionally brutally verbally slaughtered, so you can imagine how little I've been heard in my life. and that's okay, that's completely acceptable in a world where even the biggest hearts tell you you're on your own. that's the most passion, compassion, or sympathy they can seem to muster when their lives are being destroyed by the dollar as we speak. I hate that, I hate seeing your life get worse because you helped me, but I hate seeing other lives enjoying their warm houses, warm cars, and restaurant drinks. three minutes left, on a crappy keyboard, so I guess I'm done for the day. sober, weedless, and starving, no one will even tell me where shit is in this town. it's that much worse than haight. where can I go, this is fucking California, where the fuck do I go to find my people???

and why the fuck does every library I walk into smell like shoe shit!!!

oakland in may

since I couldn't find any love on haight, I've come to Oakland for metal. let's see if I find it. got my windows phone finally, but it's a small one. I wasn't able to get my fifteentwenty. don't know what to write about at the moment, just starting may on this blog. since it's the only blog I still have access to, thanks to the security product you sell me. just wait till my thumb takes over.