email to sandra

well... we're off to a bad start. i'm sorry, give me a second to think where to start. my morning was ruined, i wanted to sit outside the starbucks like i usually do, this morning to enjoy my hot chocolate and a cigarette, and try to slowly enjoy my morning and worm my way out of pain a little, but i had to immediately come into starbucks to start typing this up, hot chocolate is still full, it'll be cold if i write too much. i'm sick of people tearing down my fucking dreams like those dreams are theirs to tear down, why the fuck does everyone have to stomp on my fucking dreams before they've even gotten off the fucking ground, why!

woke up this morning next to the cool black rocker dude, d-rock (i hate names with hyphens... i'm like gilbert gottfried when it comes to names). and i start telling him just a couple of things about what i want to do, and he immediately just starts cutting me off, talking too much, talking over me, dominating me and trying to educate me like every other fucking dick hanging male i encounter, and trying to destroy my fucking dreams, i cannot fucking stand that. every 'professional' in the music industry tries to tell me 'the way it has to be done, the way it's supposed to be done, the only way you can do it', and no one realizes...

i'm not doing this to appease or appeal to you, i'm not doing this to get popular, i'm not in it for the money, i'm doing this to destroy your world. thus i'm not going to follow any of your rules, i'm deliberately going to break every fucking rule, just to show most of you idiots, not only can it be done, but you should have already had the balls to do it before i got here, and since you left it up to me, i'm doing it the best way possible, destroy it all in one big fuckin' shot, and i will succeed, i have to. everything i've ever done was and is specifically geared toward taking it down. that's why my first album is full of attention grabbing hits, and the second album, metamorphosis, is probly the most antisocial album you'll ever hear. music that's made to be listened to by your fucking self, in headphones, eyes closed, away from people... this world sorely needs an album like that. my music is not yours to control, and that's the whole fucking point it's getting out there. i am not yours to own, i am not your fucking slave, i don't have to do what you fucking tell me. no one is capable of understanding that, so all they can spit out is 'you're gonna fail'.

then he tried saying that he's asked several people around this area what they think about how i dress, and he says that they've all said that the way i dress scares them, and that it looks too much like the columbine shit.

so i need your help today, and i need jesse's help today. i'm going to make a sign that says...

'the way i dress shouldn't say 'columbine' to you, it should say 'outlaw/rockstar', and those of you who think i'm not a rockstar yet? shows how much you know'.

if you're going to be a rockstar, you need to think yourself a rockstar your whole life, otherwise you're not a real fuckin' rockstar.

don't blame me because you've been on the road and learned so much already, don't take it out on me if they crushed your dreams of making it out of this delusion because you were too weak. and don't tell me a fucking thing about how i dress, i'm not me to appeal to you, to appease you, i'm not doing this for you, i'm not a shiny product that's going to step on stage and put on a little tap and dance show and do what you tell me to do. i'm not doing what you want to see, i'm doing what i've always wanted to see, and my heroes have let me down by not doing it yet. which is why i'm fucking doing it. can you fucking understand that! that's all anyone can ever tell me, is how i'm doing it wrong. i don't have to do it your way, because your way has failed for so many decades now, it doesn't work, because we're fucking homeless!

i fucking hate people. i'm not doing this to get popular, i'm doing this to destroy your popular, and be left the fuck alone!

these minds that are so soaked into the concrete are incapable of understanding that, because that concept cannot absorb into that concrete, hence why i don't fit into your mold. your mold has gotten moldy, and needs to be taken out to the trash. you are not understanding this shit, and there's a reason for that. i'm sick of people telling me 'doing something new has already been done, being original has already been done', why are you telling me that, what's left, if being original has already been done, are you telling me that so i'll have more of a reason to be a clone and do what's already been done before the original shit came into play?

think about it, you dumb fuck! think about that. i'm intentionally not doing what you want, because you need to someday understand the reason behind it. i fucking hate all of you, and i never want to encounter another male as long as i fucking live, i hate you scumfucks, i hate the fact that you have a dick wanging between your legs, it's disgusting on so many levels, and the fact that you can't stop waving that thing in my face trying to dominate me, makes me want to castrate every male on this fucking planet, and put you in a pen on the other side of the earth from the females. you need to be bred out of the human race. you need to be left in the dust of the past. you need to not even be seen on the history channel, i don't want my kids knowing that you were ever around. are you getting this yet? are you fucking understanding any of this yet. i don't have to be you, that's why i'm being me. that's why i dress the way i do. i was wearing trench coats long before those columbine douchebags, and just because they were idiots, does not mean you and all of society should fearfully change your opinion of the outlaw who has always been this way throughout history and all of time. whenever the outlaw shows up, it's because you fucked up. it's not my fault you don't study your history, thus history repeats itself, i'm here to cut us out of that loop so we can move forward. that's physics, something else you should have studied before thinking yourself smarter than me or better than me. you fucking mortard.

what the fuck is wrong with people! do i have to educate you on this fact over and over again, cause i'm getting sick of it, get the fuck off me! let me fucking breathe just once, whaddayasay? you fucking imbecilic cretin. i can't find words that are good enough, and that doesn't happen often. you're scum, you need to be taught that you are not the be all end all to human excellence, i'm an evolutionist, which means my buddy that shows up three thousand years from now, is alot more advanced than you or me... fucking duh! you dumb scrotal fuck! get the fuck off me! get your chains out of my fucking throat, i speak because compared to all of you, i dominate that.

god, i shouldn't have to say this shit, i so should not have to say this shit, especially repeatedly. i fucking hate you! all of you! (present company excluded, wink wink hug hug).

i'm fucking sick of idiots trying to cram me into their mold. will it ever stop happening to me. i can't breathe in your stagnant miserable little reality. thus i'm creating a new one. because i'm ahead of my time, so i have to try and bring the future closer to now than you have ever done. is that making sense to you yet?

i picture the kid in the movie 'jumper', jamie bell, when he's beating the shit out of the other jumper kid, and says the words 'am i gettin' the message through to ya?'

but he says it between punches, so it's paused, and it's in his wonderful irish accent, which makes the scene perfect, and sticks in my memory like a flash drive, i see it every time.

'am i gettin'... the message... through to ya'.

i feel that energy in my arms, and i've never liked that feeling. my hot chocolate is getting cold, so i have to go for now, but i fucking cannot stand having my morning destroyed by dominant male monkey mutherfuckers that think i have to fit into their mold for the simple excuse that it's how it's always been done. mutherfucker, haven't you seen 'the croods'? watch the fuckin' history channel, you have failed. which means someone needs to succeed past you.

it's not my fucking fault if you can't understand that. but thanks for crushing my fucking dreams. i fucking hate you. cramming your shit into my ear, raping your shit into my ear against my will, you scrumfuck goatscrunt scrotalroach festering piece of fucking... you're pond scum! i wish that was more offensive than it is.

on my deviant art page, it says 'personal quote:', and i put 'i'm sure i can think of something offensive'... that right there. that's the guy you're dealing with. the more you study your history, the better you'll understand me. as well as my purpose here. it's not to follow your rules, it's to break them all. to destroy the establishment on which they were built. the foundation must go, so you can build a new one. you dumb fuck.

not everyone has to make your music. not every rockstar has to do what you say. i shouldn't have to tell you that. get a fucking clue. you make me fucking sick. i'm glad i'm not you, i never fucking will be. and you cannot crush these dreams, mutherfucker, because my dreams are finely ingrained into the same blood stream that machine head came from. that's fucking backbone. that's balls. do your fucking research.

gotta go for now.

love.

p.s... i really hope someone actually reads this fucking blog soon, so at least one other human mind can understand who i am and what the fuck i'm saying for once. just to have that compassion would make this so much easier to handle. i fucking hate you people, i'm not supposed to be you, get it through your thick fucking... goddamnit. someone, please, read this fucking blog, understand what the fuck i'm saying, who i am, what i mean to do, fill your fucking brain with it, i would pay billions to have a scholar at this point, i've always wanted someone who understands me, who makes it their mission in life to understand me better than anyone else. that's a vital weapon missing from my glorious arsenal, get the fuck in there already, back me up, cause this shit's about to start. you can tell by what the people say to me, it's getting much closer. i can see it. i've given my links out to so many countless people over my travels, seattle, portland, san francisco, now los angeles, the central point of all disaster and concrete cancer hatred, yes, i know where the fuck i am, i do not need to 'go home', you're not the first assmaggot to come along and tell me 'go back to arizona', which, ironically, two of the people who have, have been black. i find that hilarious. one, a security guard in spokane washington, where i started off traveling, told me 'go back to arizona', i felt like asking him, 'is it legal for you to say that'. 'should you be saying that to me'. 'has it been thirty five point two years yet? or whatever the fuck south park says right before they lynch jared the subway douchebag. what the fuck is going on here, two black people now have told me to go back to arifuckingzona??? am i the only one seeing this, should i post it on youtube? is anyone else doing the math on that? two black dudes, one a security guard, the other a homeless rockstar that thinks himself more of a rockstar than me... what the fuck is going on here, yeah, it's obviously time for me to happen, cause y'all are doin' such a bangup fuckin' job here of telling everyone else how to live your life, you must be proud of all your little minion clones, you know they made a movie about you, and it was ANIMATED!!! hahahahaha! well, yeah, i'm animatrinity, which even facebook won't allow, so... yeah. just proves how fuckin' dumb you really are, and how little you know about me. go fuck yourselfies. i'm an evolutionist. i'm an anarchist. and you're officially fuckin' with the wrong man. you better pray, hope, and fear, that i don't become one of those self made men you occasionally hear about. would someone read this fucking blog already! goddamnit! i've only been asking for fifteen fucking years now! no one reads anymore? what happened to reading rainbow, did they fail too? someone needs to understand, you don't own me, so you need to stop telling me how the fuck to be a you clone, i'm never going to be, and i'm going to refuse, rebel, and resist more than sepultura and otep combined! listen to the song by machine head called imperium. better yet, listen to the live version on the machine fucking head live album, and when you get to the end of the song, you tell me if you think i'm gonna lose. go ahead.

you cheap plastic product fuck. i wish someone would read through my blogs and shit, and tell me the exact number of times i've said this before. that piece of information, i would pay to know. who's up for a little challenge this morning with your scrotal goat fucking frappé latté fuckin' queerfest. stop telling me to 'man up', this is me telling you fuckers to 'man up', or you sometimes use the term 'sack up', well, the sack only holds the balls, so i'll prefer for now to say 'ball up', even though it doesn't sound quite right, i like it because it doesn't sound like you.

fuck yourself.

eyecandy addiction distractions

sitting in starfucks, there was this absolutely gorgeous brunette, thick wavy long hair, absolutely gorgeous face, incredible body, old west style jeans, little vest, cute little orange imac. overheard her on the phone with someone saying she wrote two new songs yesterday. but she listens to the wrong type of music. pop, i assume by her neck movements, although it was cute. but she was one of those, that when a particular type of guy sees her, she's not just a ten, she's the one. guys know, when you see her, your heart leaps out of your chest in her direction, and you have to hold it back, which of course starts leading other things in that direction. but one of those top of the line, high class ladies, that you can't take your eyes off of, and watching her walk away is... just as heartbreaking the first time as it is the last time.

i picture my wife in her little pink heartbreaker panties.

anyway, i wanted to play it smooth, and write something on a piece of paper, and leave it for her just before walking out the door for a smoke... i didn't get the chance, i hesitate too long, and she got up and left before i could muster the courage. but this is what i wanted to write. since i didn't get to give it to her, i figured i'd post it here. for myself. (like anyone else would care, not even other men can be honest about their feelings anymore, they've been so bred out of us, as we've been conditioned to think rather morbidly about... well... shut up, mouth.

i wanted to write down...

you are absolutely, ridiculously, stunningly gorgeous.
like in a way that shouldn't be legal.
you're so far out of my league, that i'm ahead of my time.
but i'd still love to write some music with you sometime.

and then leave my email, incase she was brave enough to not be a total snob. but judging by her hair alone...

i don't think she even used pantene or any of the store shit, i bet she used horse shampoo or some shit.

i miss my hair.

...
anyway, i'm watching 'a million ways to die in the west', and i love that doc brown makes a cameo.

i've started writing sandra on a daily basis, just to have someone to write on a daily basis, which has been much needed for too long now. writing to myself just doesn't do it. i've been begging people this whole traveling year, and even traveling, you'd think i could at least develop a long distance pen pal or something, but fucking no one gives a shit, no one cares. i also love watching neil patrick harris shit into a hat. but aside from that. i've handed my email address out to so many people on this trip. i've met so many people, shared my story with them.

only to attract zero hearts. not even half an eye. this is too sad, why does this world have to be this shitty before i make any changes, and i have to make them all myself before anything gets any better. i'm forced to keep watching these dumb, bald, scumfuck doofus goober loser moron guys with your hot little side sluts on your arms with zero chance of... i miss the days of bull vs bull. the dual to the death for the lady. i actually miss when it wasn't violence, but a guy could just walk up to a lady, speak a little poetry, and win her away from the cornhole she's standing with, did that ever actually exist, or was that just on my planet. when did actual chivalry exist on this planet, if ever. cause all you douchebags that looked more like neil patrick harris in 'a million ways to die in the west', and not the fella who's ahead of his time, good god...

i can't sit in this starfucks anymore, i can't even focus with these women around me, they're too fucking hot. everytime one walks out the door, another walks in, i can't fucking think. i can't touch a single one of them. i fucking hate this planet. i hate those bumperstickers that say 'i'd rather be surfing' or whatever. i'd rather be on the digital purple beaches of arcturus, why couldn't i have been born there. i love this fuckin' movie.

what the fuck was i saying. god, you're a douchebag. if i could unload and speak my mind freely to every person i see... i would be free. and you would be educated. that'll never happen. anyway. but all you fuckin' mustache havin' douchebags, prancing around showing off your wallets like it makes you better than me, you ruined it for the last six thousand years, i'm not even counting your whole bible catastrophe for the last two thousand, you fucks really fucked everything up good, i wish i could tell you that your mamas ain't proud of you, but most of you are long dead. thanks for fucking up future generations. not only do i wish i could throw my voice into the future, i wish i could throw it back into the past and tell you fucks how bad you fucked up, show you what the fuck you did wrong.

my voice isn't even that godly, i'd rather hear michio kaku say it. i would pick george carlin, but he's dead, too. hopefully, when anything finally happens, michio will still be alive by then, and won't have blown himself up in a chemistry experiment, or shot dark matter at himself in sweden, at that collider thing. wherever the fuck he is.

anyway. i guess that's all i had to say for now, i can't keep my mind... there it goes again. and ho! there's another one. time to shut the mouth. jesus lord, hunny, that thing ain't street legal, come on, you're torturing me, cover yourself in a blanket or get the fuck out of here, goddamn. you could drive a matchbox car around that track. fuck, my brain is sliced like a bundt cake. what are you making these fuckin' things out of, man? are you factory producing these women with old marilyn monroe dna or what. this ain't right, there's gotta be a machine to blame behind those curtains.

greed

i'd also like to post here, just for my own future knowledge, that i'm completely unmotivated to deal with bank of america this month. so i'm just leaving my account alone, i'm not even going to look at it till next month.

this month was fucked. last month, september, when i got my disability money, i got myself a laptop, and tried to get my medical weed card so it could at least be easier for me to find weed. but the day i got my weed card, i lost my arizona driver license. i had held onto that for years, all through this homelessness. just when i get the weed card, i lose my id, making the weed card useless. keep in mind, i rarely lose shit, i think the prick at the weed store kept my id, just for the purpose of making the weed card useless. seventy bucks wasted on that. and this laptop. i bought an i5, and it's still slower than my grandmother. i should have bought the i7, but then i would have been sober that month. and being sober for my birth month is a bad idea. needless to say, i had to panhandle alot that month. so when october came around, all i needed to do was get my id replaced. but when i walked to the bank to get my october money, i didn't have my id. so i had to verify that i was me, and could only get five hundred. leaving two hundred in my bank. that whole fiasco stole the motivation to get the id, so now i'm fucked for next month as well, the only way i can get any of my money now, is if i motivate myself to panhandle enough money for a new id before i can even think about getting my money out of the bank. the problem is, i'm really not motivated to panhandle for that, so i doubt that i'm going to get my id and see next month's money.

so, when the motivation for my id was stolen by all that horseshit chaos, i made it to about the eighth before i ran out of money. in fact, i remember. october sixth, the shoulder strap to my laptop case broke. since i hated carrying around a heavy laptop with one hand, instead of having my hands free, i had to spend my last bit of money on a new laptop case. the first one, i got from the pawn shop for free. this one cost me forty fucking bucks. but i walked up and took forty bucks out of the atm, so i could buy more weed. then i walked to the target to buy the laptop case. when i tried to buy it, it didn't take my card. i checked my card, which i seriously dread doing, right there in the store, and it showed that i only had ten bucks left on my card. so to pay for the laptop case, i handed over the cash. the next morning, october seventh, i woke up expecting to have ten bucks on my card still. i walked to the seven eleven to get my hot chocolate, and it wouldn't take my card. so i checked my account again.

bank of america loves to charge poor people a 'monthly maintenance fee', of twelve dollars every month. to maintain what, i wonder. it doesn't cost every person twelve bucks for them to perform maintenance on a website, nor a bank account. i only get seven hundred a month, but they feel that a twelve dollar chuck of that, aka a day's meal, should be theirs. every month. so, when i thought i should have ten bucks left on my card, and walked up to seven eleven to get a hot chocolate, and already made that hot chocolate, only to find out the hard way that my last ten bucks was no longer on my card... yeah. couldn't even get a two dollar hot chocolate because my bank has to be greedy little pricks. ten bucks left on my card, so they took twelve, leaving me in the hole, which will incur overdraft fees, leaving me fucked in the hole this month, so when i get next month's money, that extra two hundred dollars that i saved and held back? it's already gone. they charge overdraft fees for the overdraft fees, did you know that? if you have an overdraft fee, and you don't pay it, they'll charge another overdraft fee. each overdraft fee is thirty five dollars. so for each little one dollar purchase that sends you over, that's at least seventy dollars they can charge you, and the longer it sits that way through the month, the more they charge you.

perfect practice for a disability account, right?

so, i'm just purposely going to let that one dollar turn into overdraft fees, because a: i seriously don't feel like dealing with this bank anymore, i'm fucking fed up with their horseshit, and i'm just waiting to sue them, and b: well, i talk too much to remember b. but yeah, i seriously refuse to deal with that bank this month, so i'm just going to fuck them off, and i can deal with it when i sue them later. i'm sick of this shit, you fucking rich people, how many of our dollars do you think belong to you? and you don't even ask anymore, you just take and take and take. cause that's your policy.

my last ten bucks. but they wanted twelve.

but i am going to draw a little comic of a dude getting raped in the ass in the middle of the street by a bank of america employee, and an old lady asking the dude, 'aren't you going to do anything about that', and the dude just says 'he works for the bank'.

i'm gonna get fuckin' rich off that. because that last ten bucks of mine that they took from me... i had some lady hand me ten bucks down by pink taco just after that, so... looks like their attempts to keep me beneath them are still proving fruitless, but you'd think there would be any convincing them.

i fucking hate you people. the more dollars you spend, the longer you perpetuate this delusion.

and the longer you delay a better life.

i'm getting serious shocks of pain in my right leg today. after each one, my eyesight goes black, and i have to fade back in to my head. that can't be good, but you think anyone would give a good lickin' load of lizard shit? fuck no.

point being. that was my last fucking ten bucks. a day of food for me, but a 'monthly maintenance fee' to you. what are you maintaining on my account, that i have to pay you twelve bucks a month, i'd really like to know.

i asked them that, they just shuffled it off quickly, saying it's standard something something.

i don't give a shit. i'm sick of your money.

you know how many of your dollars i have proudly defaced, writing 'i am bill hicks' on them?

so fuck your ten bucks, fuck your month, fuck it all, i'm not dealing with a fucking bit of it till november, and that's even if i feel motivated enough to get my id, which i didn't even go into all that. i lost my arizona driver license, something rather special to me. i do not want to get a california id, i'd much rather go back up to seattle at this point, and get a washington id, especially considering that i have also lost the weed card, and how worthless it was anyway, and it was easier to get weed in seattle anyway. fuck this shit, i'm hating california. too many rich, greedy scumfucks here. too many sports cars, too many dogs on leashes, too many fucking muscle puffed walking steroids holding hands, i'm so sick of seeing that. these fucking overbuilt doofuses, building all that muscle to do absolutely nothing with it, like driving a truck and never putting anything in the truck bed, which i've seen people do, i'm so sick of seeing that, do you really have to build all that muscle to do nothing good with it other than using it for appearance, especially when you don't even have to look in a mirror to appreciate it, because your boyfriend is just as built... what the fuck is wrong with you people, you've taken this gay thing way too far, which means it's gone into the territory of queer and fag and all that shit, which means i don't have to be respectful to you, cause when the fuck have you been respectful to me, other than ignoring me. i don't get that, really, it's too stupid and childish and immature to understand. you build your muscles not to help others, but to attract a man that looks just like you, so you can hold hands and walk down the street together... you know, when our future selves look back on us right now at this point in our development, they're going to be pretty fucking ashamed at how far you let yourself fall into this weakness. i think even the women are starting to wonder what the fuck we're thinking.

one man questioning his sexuality, is an issue, and needs to be looked at by an openminded family and a therapist.
a bunch of men questioning their sexuality, is a media circus, but can still be handled responsibly by family.

but this many men, the world over, that are so comfortably feeling like they need another man's presence...

i don't care how many steroids you've swallowed, you're weak. and that weakness can be seen by the future, and the eyes of women. so go ahead and keep fucking eachother in the asses, and you can even blame me for being 'homophobic' and insulting you if it makes you feel better. attacked, victimized, scared. sure, wallow in it.

i don't give a fuck about my sexuality, especially when it comes to defining it to any of you. it's my fucking business, and just because i fuck a guy doesn't mean i should publicly call myself gay from that point forward. who gives a shit who you're fucking, i'm much more concerned with what your fucking iq is, because that's the requirement that qualifies you in the eyes of the future. and by future, i only mean the day when you do not exist. because all we have is this moment, and you have put us in this linear prison with dollar bills and concrete and rules, but no, the truth is, we are in this moment, and you just need to not be here. is that clear enough?

that being said...

i am, seriously, very sick of seeing so many muscle crusted men holding hands with eachother, that makes me fucking sick. but i also hate seeing the hot women and the backs of their heads. i know they're never going to see me, so that's why i hate it so much. in fact, ninety nine percent of all men and women sicken the fuck out of me. i don't mean that to offend you, i mean it to inform you. but i know it will just offend you. so go ahead, misunderstand it, call me whatever you want, diagnose me, tell me i'm wrong and call me an asshole, i don't care.

i'm just as sick of seeing that as i am your leashed dogs, so what, are you gonna call me an animal hater now, too? for your information, i'm cat people, but... not like you'd ever be 'informed'.

you don't realize what a waste you are, do you?

we need seven billion 'unique' clones, some driving mercedes, some holding hands, some spending credit cards on expensive food for their families... you know what? when it all comes down to it, this is probably what i hate the most about your 'family unit' mentality.

the fact that you're so possessive, but you tell me i'm possessive if i try to get my hands on one fuckin' thing.

you covet your families in secrecy, fear, and privacy, you shroud your lives in walls of defense.

so when i see your two asian daughters dressed like sluts, walking down the street holding hands with their two asian boyfriends, walking into a starbucks...

i get sick.

i should be able to walk up to any girl, and offer her a compliment, and possibly a touch, and even have the chance of convincing her to walk my way. that's called chivalry. it makes life fair. but you just pass me off as possessive, and allow yourselves to keep living such greedy, selfish lives. no, you're wrong, and your first mistake, was a psychological issue called 'projection', which i know a lot about, i came from a family that imprinted me with all their flaws, i should know. see, i'm not being possessive, i have nothing in my hands, and really need nothing in my hands. infact, i wrote the song about that, but we'll get to that later.

you are possessive, and i can prove it.
wallet. password on your cellphone. pants. dress shoes. car keys. and your daughter dates guys you approve of, which are usually weak, ignorant losers, which makes you feel more manly. you like owning everything.

therefore, you are possessive.

do i need to repeat that?
must i explain that to you again?
shall i walk you through it again?

i'm standing in a black room, talking into a mirror.
that reflection constantly blames me, tells me i'm wrong.
is that because i'm saying the same things to it first?
i honestly feel like i'm trying to educate this mirror, and it's just throwing mud at me.

i wish i could tell a psychologist that, but they don't give a shit.
my mother could analyze it and explain it to you. if she were here.

i'd love to hear carl jung's take on that.

so to all the hippies who blame me for being too filled with hatred, too negative...
to all the facebook clones that purposely misunderstood me and blamed me...

i'm trying to love a mirror, trying to sympathize, educate.
it's hating me, which is filling me with hate.

how do you explain that. it's not my fault the mirror is retarded and doesn't understand how wrong it is. but it could at least stop blaming me for all its problems and accusing me of doing the same thing.

i've explained that so many times, i can't count them all.

one of these days, one of you fuckers is going to finally understand this, and i expect sympathy for me having to stand alone on this ledge all this time. butting my head against every hateful force in our mind, just trying to get to a better day than today. forgive me for calling it the future, i just need a word to look forward to.

a definition to use.

every fat man i see wearing khaki shorts and sandles, pulling a fat wallet out of his pocket, to buy something for someone only he knows, if not himself...

i hate you.
i know you don't deserve that.
and i know you won't be around much longer.
i pray for the end of you.
and all your clones, all your concrete and plastic and hatred. stench.

gone.

the earth is waiting for that, too.

stop deciding if you believe in god, or if you're 'in league with satan', or trying to convey one image while actually practicing the other... it doesn't matter anymore.

i'm on the side of the earth. i hear the voice of the earth. you want to debate me, you're gonna lose.

nature wins. every time. so says evolution. figure that out.

you hot girls, your pink half shirts hanging so loosely off your perfect tits, and the fact that i can't touch...
you don't deserve to exist either. i know you may gasp and get offended, but it's the opinion i'm entitled to.

when it comes down to how close our opinions are to those of nature... don't blame me for being closer to earth than you. you were listening to god, i chose to listen to a voice that was actually talking to me. that's not my fault.

so... when are we going to stop blaming, and start agreeing. hmm?

friday

i know it's going to be any day now when i get that first big phone call, or whatever form it comes in, when i can finally get someone's attention, and get to the right ears, but i really cannot figure out, why can i never get anyone to respond to me or contact me. i'm sick of this shit, i'm sick of these lazy fucking people that say they're going to call you for whatever reason, and never do. you fucks destroy dreams and you know it. you're just getting a tiny chew out of me, like fish food, and then spitting me back out, and i'm sick of encountering so many of you, and wasting my time when i could be talking to actual relevant people and getting something accomplished. you stand in the way of all creativity. you're like disconnected neurons firing in the wrong directions, and breaking vital connections in the consciousness, which i can see with my third eye. go ahead and debate that, i can't wait to make you look like a moron, too. whenever there is a connection to be made, a certain set of words to hit a certain set of ears to accomplish this, whenever there is an idea to be born...

you fuckers standing in my way make everything so impossible, you make everything take longer than it should, and you make every effort a disastrous television commercial like the ones where they lady in the kitchen can't figure out how to use a knife the right way. shit like that used to piss my mother and i off. you do not realize what you're destroying, and how much time and effort you're wasting. you really need to get your fat, lazy ass the fuck out of my way, and let me accomplish a dream. you are the waste. you are the trash. you think yourselves so important, so vital to the human race, the be all end all to human development. you couldn't be more wrong, and the fact that you refuse to realize that only shows the exact size of your ego over the soul. like a shadow pulling a cart that's dragging the dead horses behind it, which you beat and throw to the bushes daily.

that's what your beliefs look like.

if your belief structure could be painted by a psychedelic artist, i'm sure it would look like a prison.

concrete, flat, grey...

bright, hot, stagnant...

i've been there. i've seen it. you're not even wondering where i've been since then. i've seen aeons of evolution since leaving that building, and you think yourself ahead of me. god, can you give me more powerful words, more convincing words, to prove to these people how stupid they look, so they could change their minds without being forced. does it take the criminal seeing their wrongs to make them right, or does that even work.

is it a waste of time.

if only their god could answer this question, we'd know what to do with them. but he's hiding. he can't give away the secret.

what a sad excuse. i even thought so when i was a kid. staring up at the night sky, eight years old, trying to see a god that might stop my grandmother from screaming at my mother.

no one knew. know one even knows that story. everyone who did, either didn't care, or is dead.

my past really deleted itself, didn't it. i guess that's a good thing, it was trash anyway. but when is the new life going to start. it's waiting too long, and this concrete is still revolving around me.

if you wake up every day on the same concrete... is it the same day? could i ask bill murray? could his fictional character answer a theoretical, hypothetical question anyway. do other people have their eyes to the same future, or do i doubt it for a reason.

you'll never understand how much you destroy. clearly. you are incapable of comprehending even the slightest inkling of change in your own perspective. you're perfect, and there is none better.

in the eyes of evolution, we're all waiting for the door to hit you in your ass on your way gone. we're staring at the history books, waiting to see your image smoke itself into the page. we know you don't give half a fuck.

i wish...
i wish...
i wish...

battling your brain is like smashing a brick wall up against a steel... wall.

it's like throwing bananas through a bulletproof window.

but i cannot understand why i keep encountering these waste of time people, that look at me like a fish on their hook, dangling for their attention, trying to show my shiniest side to appeal to their dull eye, for what reason...

and then they just throw me back to the concrete. no interest. my fortune cookie eyes don't appeal to their future.

or what material things they might accumulate.

god, you're...

primitive?
neanderthalic? is that a word? google says it's not.
unevolved?

i get nothing but automated emails, and each living creature i meet on the street that says they'll call me or help me...

maybe i need to repeat myself, since you clearly didn't catch that. that's how i phrase my sentences, i put the proof before the point, so you don't need a fact proven to you repeatedly, i'm making less work for your brain, but you don't understand that, so your brain just shuts down and won't think past it.

i get nothing but automated emails.

which means all those phone numbers and email addresses and links i've handed out...? zero responses. zero looks. zero sign of life. zero fishtooth snags. zero hooks. one hundred percent apathy.

and you excuse that by thinking it's okay.

i'm tired of waiting. you've wasted too much of my time anyway, now i'm walking on concrete day after day with no eye to the next day, no clue what to do each moment, each street, each block, each building.

you fucks that just pick up the fish, give him the evil eye, and throw him back on the concrete, you don't realize, you can't realize, you waste more time and take up more space then could be shown to you on a calculator.

but thankfully, i'm sure someone, someday, will convince you that you're wrong.

and then we can all move on, and enjoy something.

we're living organisms sharing the skin of one big living organism.

what more do i need to repeat to you? we've already been over this, it's your responsibility to catch up. i'm not going to spend the rest of my life in third grade, that's the teacher's job. i'm just the bullet someone fired toward the future. don't try stopping me, you'll get hurt. forgive me for stating the obvious, but i find that necessary, even crucial lately.

that reminds me of my old school idea... citizens offering crucial knowledge... c.o.c.k. i loved that.

people really like to think they own you, don't they? can you see the reflection in their eyes, that they are unaware of how wrong they are? can you see a particular emptiness in their eyes, a certain cluelessness about them, can you sense that the vital concept of equality is not inhabiting their perspective. does it matter.

the more i try to jump to the future, the more i find i'm being held back by that third grade class. right when i'm about ready to say 'okay, let's leap to the future', someone sounding like my grandmother says 'wait, i don't understand' something, and i need to explain it again. that's not my job, you fuckers sit here festering in your third grade class listening to the ghost of your teacher, i've got faster things to rush past my eye. we don't have to keep waiting and hiding in the comfort of this classroom, tomorrow was waiting for us yesterday, how long do you think you can hold the clock's hands back before it gets angry at you. you resist the truth, you resist the future, and blame us and condemn us for resisting you and your fears. you can't even see how illogical that is. and we're wasting our time trying to bring you up to speed, when every night, your fears and blankets comfort you back down to your slow pace, so the next morning is just a repeat of the progress made yesterday, and you're not understanding how you're holding us all back. i don't know why we need you to come out of the classroom with us, i don't know why we can't just leave the room and head fearlessly forward, not worrying about how scared you are back in that room, maybe it's the parent in us that wants to see their offspring succeed, but i'm really weighing on it not mattering, because i'd really like to get these legs running, and not have to worry about who i'm leaving behind.

that being said, i'm pursuing the future for me. not the rest of you. you can think me selfish, but i have plenty of reason to hate you, after all the times you've ignored me alone, look in my arsenal, you might recognize the ammunition, it has your name all over it. i'm just using it to prove a point to a wall for my own edification. why would you be concerned with that, you've got dollars in your wallet to worry about, nothing to see here, move along.

my feet are free. no hands on my feet any longer. so why i'm still waiting around for you and your approval that i fly toward the future without you, is a mystery to me. i'm well aware of the fact that i do not need you. i do not need your dollars, i do not need your health insurance, your ambulances, your cop cars, your jobs and bosses, i do not need any of that shit, because where we're going, we don't need the dust of past memories weighing us down. to paraphrase doc brown. so why am i waiting for your approval. i could be off breaking my own theories, proving that this concrete isn't really here, and neither are you, and the future is right in front of me next to that tree, but i have to sit here. why. did you tell me to? did i not tell you you're wrong? what time is being wasted and for what reason. why can you not get the fuck out of my way and let me reach the big ears so i can do what needs to be done. why are there so many of you clones clogging the tube. stop wasting my time please. if you're going to help, fucking help already. if you're going to chew me up and spit me out like everyone else, you don't need a taste of me, you can get any other clone on this planet, why are you so minimally curious about me, but just enough to waste my time. why does everyone need this minimal taste of me, why can't you just look the other way, look at someone else, leave me alone. i'm trying to do something big here, that will benefit everyone, especially those openminded and looking to the future like it still means something, simply because now sucks thanks to you.

did i phrase that right? can you understand that? do you need me to repeat it? rephrase it? what?

the world is about to change for the better, and instead, you're wasting time getting my phone number on the street, just so you can not call me, and get my hopes up, and ruin my fucking day, and waste another day.

i only have so many moments in each day. not like you. i only get one priority a day. usually, it's relaxing and working on my sanity. which, when i see you people saying you're doing the same thing, i see you playing videogames. you tell me it's to help you relax. maybe we have the wrong definition of relax.

when i'm sorting through mp3s, reading wikipedia, and scraping a bowl of resin, that's meditation for me. when my mind is activated, and i'm thinking, that's relaxing to me. when i play a videogame and feel stupid, and dumber, and like my brain is numb, that's very stressful for me, and makes my body shake like i'm hungry.

so clearly we have different ideas of relaxation. for you to relax, you need to deactivate your mind with a stupid videogame. for me to relax, i need... pretty much the opposite. i like intellectual stimulation. something else i find relaxing, putting on terence mckenna videos on youtube on my computer, leaving them playing in the background, while my massive music collection also plays on my computer, while i'm also watching limitless on my television... that's relaxing for me, that's soothing, comforting, like being enveloped in a soft cloudy womb pillow.

i've had people tell me that they can't listen to my music and watch my movies at the same time, because it's too much, it's too distracting... what, your mind can't focus on three things at once?

you know those three dee stereogram pictures where you had to relax your eyes and unfocus past the picture to see the three dee image? that's kind of what my mind does, or needs to do.

i guess you forget that i'm working with three eyes, not just two. so when i'm hyperconscious and overstimulated from focusing too much on too many small things crying out for my attention like a wackamole game short circuiting... that's when i need to unfocus my three eyes, and fill each of them with a bigger stream of ideas. that comforts me, and soothes me, and calms me down. weed helps, too. i can skip hours just by unfocusing my three eyes.

bombarding my eyes with bullshit, and tiny ideas, and television shows, and advertisements, and commercials, and pop songs... that numbs my eye and makes it harder to think, which i can see is clearly the popular purpose, like a bad drug. but when i fill my ears with metal, put on terence mckenna or robert anton wilson, when i have more than one conscious thing to focus on, my mind actually takes in alot more.

they used to get pissed at me in school, because the teacher would ask me a question, and i'd have to pop my head up out of a dream to answer it, and the other students would get pissed at me, not realizing that the answer was written on the board behind the teacher, and they would ask, 'how is he learning that, he was sleeping', and my mother tried telling them that i'm very observant, and that i am always learning, but they couldn't understand that, their small, feeble minds were incapable of fitting that concept into their heads, meanwhile i'm expected to fit perfectly into their mold like every factory model human before me, and they can't even see that i'm nowhere near their mold, i'm floating out in the universe swallowing galaxies for the knowledge and experience.

you guys are playing videogames. how boring. can't you get off your couch and stop telling me to live your dumb, tiny little life? maybe what's comforting to you isn't comforting to me. can you conceive that?

i don't know yet how to explain that to a doctor or psychiatrist, to have them understand enough to spit back some worthwhile response either defining or diagnosing, or at least recognizing my difference, but when i figure out how to word that... well... in your world, it would take thirty more years just to track down a good enough doctor and show it to him. your concrete's watch battery is dead, and i can prove it. why would you care.

i observe. i learn. i take in more than you. therefore, filling my brain with your mindnumbing horseshit is not good for me, i can't do what you do, i can't numb my brain with videogames and bad drugs and religion and superstition and tradition and fear and stagnant comfort due to material objects soaked in your stench. my home is not your home, your home is not my home. shut up, get out of my way, and give me my own home. that really involves you shutting your fucking mouth, i have to emphasize and stress that you must leave me alone once i get away from you, i do not want your credit cards, your unsolicited mail, your commercials, your facebook ads telling me to listen to your taste in music, and the plastic products your ass produces, you're going to have to keep those the fuck away from me. are you going to understand that when the time comes? i doubt it, i know your mind cannot stretch there. it will never reach that concept, so you'll keep showing up at my door with lawyers and ad execs and whatever else you want to sell me, because all those dollars you do get don't matter compared to the ones you have to work for.

i'm leading your concept back to its own primitive cranial cave, for burial. and you'll never be aware of that.

that's like dragging the dragon back into the cave without worrying about him waking up.

maybe only i get that joke, but who cares. it's a 'really inside joke', as my wife would say.

stop flooding my mind with your stream of thoughts, and demanding that i participate in your spiraling hatred product orgy. i see those souls hanging off the bloody dollar bills on your hooks reaching into the sky, and i can see the pyramid you're fishing from. only the most fearful feet will reach the top. trust me, i know, i have skin issues with moisture.

i see your eyes. i'm just never ever going to be noticed by you. day after day, you look away.

god, i wish i could tell you.

your television was never soothing to me.
i could burn your videogames and never blink. for the reason you'd never know.

i'm tired of people asking me if i'm a gamer, or if i like popular music, i'm tired of having to explain to people, no, i don't play your games, i don't listen to your music, i don't do your drugs, i don't watch your television shows, i don't spend your dollars, i don't have your credit cards, i don't want your bosses...

can you really not understand...
how loud do i need to shout this...
how many times do i have to repeat this...

i want something more.

your world of plastic products does not satiate me, nor does it even entertain me... can you understand yet. it's like trying to explain the theory of strings to a toddler using the cereal in their bowl. boogers hanging, milk dripping, nipples bleeding.

i am not comforted my your numbing superstitions buried in tradition. you can't have your feet in the past and your eyes in the future, it doesn't work that way. you have to choose one or the other.

knowledge was never evil. you, the speaker of that horrid line... you are evil. i guess you can't expect the devil to apologize... to acknowledge his mistakes... which confuses me, because the mind does expand, does it not? things do evolve, so why don't you? are you that evil that you can't evolve? if that's the case, then i have better hopes for the future, it will be less possible for you to be around there. that's comforting to me.

i still refuse to believe that making money in order to consume products is our sole purpose on this planet.

you are not the be all end all to human development. i'm proud to tell you that. even though, i know you're not listening. i'm confident someone will hear that someday, and appreciate it for what it's worth.

when you tell someone they're wrong...

if their response is 'oh, okay, what's the right way to do it'... they're a slave.
if their response is 'no, i'm not wrong'... they're an idiot.
if their response is 'thank you'... that's a person you can trust.

not that trust is going to be necessary much longer either.

i don't think we fully realize what all we're going to have to let go of, in order to step forward.

if your life is completely rooted in the past, you have to let go of the past. you have to let go of your entire life.

it's less painful to start making choices in a forward direction. you don't have to shed all your layers of skin at once. that's kinda the stupid way to do it. and you tell me i watch too many movies.

in my apartment, i rarely got lonely. being around people twenty four seven, and being ignored by every single one of them, sometimes makes me feel lonely, but most the time it makes me feel hateful. the times that it makes me feel lonely, i just have to remind myself how much i hate people because of this feeling, and it goes away.

if you want to understand me better, you'll have to look at that under a psychologists' microscope.

i hope to not have to repeat this. i hope something happens soon. i hope someone notices me and actually helps me.

friday, october sixteenth, twenty fifteen, four pm. my mother never got to see her fifty sixth birthday.

that was always very special to us.
my birthday was september twenty six.
her birthday was october eight.

this is a very empty day now, without her eyes. her seal of approval was necessary. i miss you, mama.

by the way, just a little piece of data for you to chew on. i get about fifty automated messages a day. do you think that's a little ridiculous when i get zero human responses each day. i've sent out so many emails that have never been replied to, i have handed out my email address and web links to so many people, given my phone number, only to have this massive total of people tell me that i'm of no interest to them, which i already knew, that's why i was trying to get to the bigger brains on this planet. people who are used to plastic products are not going to find me very interesting, i'm already aware of that. how the fuck do i get past it. how do i get around you people. there are so many of you, does there really have to be that many of you, you're really clogging this fucking world. the flow of blood must be unrestricted.

squirrel.

i miss my mama.

please, stop wasting my days, and let me get to the big brains already. i wish i could beg your god, but i'm only proving his nonexistence. unless you have some excuse for why he only ignores me. he only answers the prayers that are paid for with a gold card, is that it? those fuckers seem to get all their prayers answered.

luck is based in superstition and tradition, just like you, so i'm hoping, really really hoping, that luck itself is about to turn. you'll see this a whole new way, or you won't see it at all. either way, it's not my worry.

look up 'denial' in the dictionary. you put it there.

have a nice day.

a fuckin' sunday

just writing to write. have to waste time. waiting for the sun to set, so i can panhandle. i'm in starbucks on sunset and la brea, downloading. it's five pm on a sunday. i'm sober. the other day, someone stole my cart with my sleeping bag, pillows, panhandling sign, and old laptop bag in it. luckily the bag didn't have anything valuable in it, other than my nail clippers and tweezers. heartburn pills, my other sharpie, cheap shit. listening to birthday massacre right now. i still don't know what to think or what to do. the best i can think, is find places around this city where there are seven elevens close to libraries, and see how many metal people i meet. i still can't attract a female's eye. they are trained so well to not see trench coats. although, i'm getting a bit of an upskirt right now in the starbucks, i'll still never get to see a skirt flip up, or a tit hang out, or anything. until i start my own community, i will remain completely invisible. i can't attract my type of people, and i still don't know where to find them, and no one wants to help. not one human on this planet wants to have anything to do with me. that's so nice to know, cause i can't wait to use that as a weapon later. but that's all i can think of, is keep moving around, which i hate doing, but i have to find what part of this town has a good library next to a seven eleven, no bugs, no wind, some shade, no drug addicts, is that too much to ask? maybe some metal people, or god forbid some fuckin' females. yeah, i know that's too much to ask, but what does that say about who i'm asking.

after i figure out this town a little more... give it to the end of this month, october... when i get november's money, i'm seriously thinking about going back up to seattle. there's nothing here for me, no metal, no hippies, nothing. no love in any form. just products, clones, and credit cards. when am i finally going to meet a real human who notices me, and doesn't run away in fear. are you people that weak.

that's all i see around me are weaklings, people who wouldn't survive a fuckin' breeze. you have to stay safe in the safety of your car till you get to the safety of your home cause god forbid a wind come blowing along and fuck up your five hundred dollar hair style, it would ruin your day!

i don't know what else to write, that's just a little update for now. tried asking lai for help, sent her an email, haven't heard back. got an email from sandra i have to reply to. i also need to email cecilie and greg, and need to ask max for his email so i can email him, cause i wanted to email all four of them at once, asking them advice on what the fuck i should do. i'm not liking the people or the weather or the concrete here in cancer city, i'm really wanting to go back up to seattle where i know where everything is, it's not too far away, there's not that many drug addicts, there's more women... i don't know. i'm so sick of this world. nothing good ever happens, and it's because of you, and how fucking boring you all are. you and your leaders really went to sleep on this thing, didn't you. especially wherever the heart dare be involved. if you were going for apathy, you certainly succeeded.

i feel so sick.