email to sandra

well... we're off to a bad start. i'm sorry, give me a second to think where to start. my morning was ruined, i wanted to sit outside the starbucks like i usually do, this morning to enjoy my hot chocolate and a cigarette, and try to slowly enjoy my morning and worm my way out of pain a little, but i had to immediately come into starbucks to start typing this up, hot chocolate is still full, it'll be cold if i write too much. i'm sick of people tearing down my fucking dreams like those dreams are theirs to tear down, why the fuck does everyone have to stomp on my fucking dreams before they've even gotten off the fucking ground, why!

woke up this morning next to the cool black rocker dude, d-rock (i hate names with hyphens... i'm like gilbert gottfried when it comes to names). and i start telling him just a couple of things about what i want to do, and he immediately just starts cutting me off, talking too much, talking over me, dominating me and trying to educate me like every other fucking dick hanging male i encounter, and trying to destroy my fucking dreams, i cannot fucking stand that. every 'professional' in the music industry tries to tell me 'the way it has to be done, the way it's supposed to be done, the only way you can do it', and no one realizes...

i'm not doing this to appease or appeal to you, i'm not doing this to get popular, i'm not in it for the money, i'm doing this to destroy your world. thus i'm not going to follow any of your rules, i'm deliberately going to break every fucking rule, just to show most of you idiots, not only can it be done, but you should have already had the balls to do it before i got here, and since you left it up to me, i'm doing it the best way possible, destroy it all in one big fuckin' shot, and i will succeed, i have to. everything i've ever done was and is specifically geared toward taking it down. that's why my first album is full of attention grabbing hits, and the second album, metamorphosis, is probly the most antisocial album you'll ever hear. music that's made to be listened to by your fucking self, in headphones, eyes closed, away from people... this world sorely needs an album like that. my music is not yours to control, and that's the whole fucking point it's getting out there. i am not yours to own, i am not your fucking slave, i don't have to do what you fucking tell me. no one is capable of understanding that, so all they can spit out is 'you're gonna fail'.

then he tried saying that he's asked several people around this area what they think about how i dress, and he says that they've all said that the way i dress scares them, and that it looks too much like the columbine shit.

so i need your help today, and i need jesse's help today. i'm going to make a sign that says...

'the way i dress shouldn't say 'columbine' to you, it should say 'outlaw/rockstar', and those of you who think i'm not a rockstar yet? shows how much you know'.

if you're going to be a rockstar, you need to think yourself a rockstar your whole life, otherwise you're not a real fuckin' rockstar.

don't blame me because you've been on the road and learned so much already, don't take it out on me if they crushed your dreams of making it out of this delusion because you were too weak. and don't tell me a fucking thing about how i dress, i'm not me to appeal to you, to appease you, i'm not doing this for you, i'm not a shiny product that's going to step on stage and put on a little tap and dance show and do what you tell me to do. i'm not doing what you want to see, i'm doing what i've always wanted to see, and my heroes have let me down by not doing it yet. which is why i'm fucking doing it. can you fucking understand that! that's all anyone can ever tell me, is how i'm doing it wrong. i don't have to do it your way, because your way has failed for so many decades now, it doesn't work, because we're fucking homeless!

i fucking hate people. i'm not doing this to get popular, i'm doing this to destroy your popular, and be left the fuck alone!

these minds that are so soaked into the concrete are incapable of understanding that, because that concept cannot absorb into that concrete, hence why i don't fit into your mold. your mold has gotten moldy, and needs to be taken out to the trash. you are not understanding this shit, and there's a reason for that. i'm sick of people telling me 'doing something new has already been done, being original has already been done', why are you telling me that, what's left, if being original has already been done, are you telling me that so i'll have more of a reason to be a clone and do what's already been done before the original shit came into play?

think about it, you dumb fuck! think about that. i'm intentionally not doing what you want, because you need to someday understand the reason behind it. i fucking hate all of you, and i never want to encounter another male as long as i fucking live, i hate you scumfucks, i hate the fact that you have a dick wanging between your legs, it's disgusting on so many levels, and the fact that you can't stop waving that thing in my face trying to dominate me, makes me want to castrate every male on this fucking planet, and put you in a pen on the other side of the earth from the females. you need to be bred out of the human race. you need to be left in the dust of the past. you need to not even be seen on the history channel, i don't want my kids knowing that you were ever around. are you getting this yet? are you fucking understanding any of this yet. i don't have to be you, that's why i'm being me. that's why i dress the way i do. i was wearing trench coats long before those columbine douchebags, and just because they were idiots, does not mean you and all of society should fearfully change your opinion of the outlaw who has always been this way throughout history and all of time. whenever the outlaw shows up, it's because you fucked up. it's not my fault you don't study your history, thus history repeats itself, i'm here to cut us out of that loop so we can move forward. that's physics, something else you should have studied before thinking yourself smarter than me or better than me. you fucking mortard.

what the fuck is wrong with people! do i have to educate you on this fact over and over again, cause i'm getting sick of it, get the fuck off me! let me fucking breathe just once, whaddayasay? you fucking imbecilic cretin. i can't find words that are good enough, and that doesn't happen often. you're scum, you need to be taught that you are not the be all end all to human excellence, i'm an evolutionist, which means my buddy that shows up three thousand years from now, is alot more advanced than you or me... fucking duh! you dumb scrotal fuck! get the fuck off me! get your chains out of my fucking throat, i speak because compared to all of you, i dominate that.

god, i shouldn't have to say this shit, i so should not have to say this shit, especially repeatedly. i fucking hate you! all of you! (present company excluded, wink wink hug hug).

i'm fucking sick of idiots trying to cram me into their mold. will it ever stop happening to me. i can't breathe in your stagnant miserable little reality. thus i'm creating a new one. because i'm ahead of my time, so i have to try and bring the future closer to now than you have ever done. is that making sense to you yet?

i picture the kid in the movie 'jumper', jamie bell, when he's beating the shit out of the other jumper kid, and says the words 'am i gettin' the message through to ya?'

but he says it between punches, so it's paused, and it's in his wonderful irish accent, which makes the scene perfect, and sticks in my memory like a flash drive, i see it every time.

'am i gettin'... the message... through to ya'.

i feel that energy in my arms, and i've never liked that feeling. my hot chocolate is getting cold, so i have to go for now, but i fucking cannot stand having my morning destroyed by dominant male monkey mutherfuckers that think i have to fit into their mold for the simple excuse that it's how it's always been done. mutherfucker, haven't you seen 'the croods'? watch the fuckin' history channel, you have failed. which means someone needs to succeed past you.

it's not my fucking fault if you can't understand that. but thanks for crushing my fucking dreams. i fucking hate you. cramming your shit into my ear, raping your shit into my ear against my will, you scrumfuck goatscrunt scrotalroach festering piece of fucking... you're pond scum! i wish that was more offensive than it is.

on my deviant art page, it says 'personal quote:', and i put 'i'm sure i can think of something offensive'... that right there. that's the guy you're dealing with. the more you study your history, the better you'll understand me. as well as my purpose here. it's not to follow your rules, it's to break them all. to destroy the establishment on which they were built. the foundation must go, so you can build a new one. you dumb fuck.

not everyone has to make your music. not every rockstar has to do what you say. i shouldn't have to tell you that. get a fucking clue. you make me fucking sick. i'm glad i'm not you, i never fucking will be. and you cannot crush these dreams, mutherfucker, because my dreams are finely ingrained into the same blood stream that machine head came from. that's fucking backbone. that's balls. do your fucking research.

gotta go for now.

love.

p.s... i really hope someone actually reads this fucking blog soon, so at least one other human mind can understand who i am and what the fuck i'm saying for once. just to have that compassion would make this so much easier to handle. i fucking hate you people, i'm not supposed to be you, get it through your thick fucking... goddamnit. someone, please, read this fucking blog, understand what the fuck i'm saying, who i am, what i mean to do, fill your fucking brain with it, i would pay billions to have a scholar at this point, i've always wanted someone who understands me, who makes it their mission in life to understand me better than anyone else. that's a vital weapon missing from my glorious arsenal, get the fuck in there already, back me up, cause this shit's about to start. you can tell by what the people say to me, it's getting much closer. i can see it. i've given my links out to so many countless people over my travels, seattle, portland, san francisco, now los angeles, the central point of all disaster and concrete cancer hatred, yes, i know where the fuck i am, i do not need to 'go home', you're not the first assmaggot to come along and tell me 'go back to arizona', which, ironically, two of the people who have, have been black. i find that hilarious. one, a security guard in spokane washington, where i started off traveling, told me 'go back to arizona', i felt like asking him, 'is it legal for you to say that'. 'should you be saying that to me'. 'has it been thirty five point two years yet? or whatever the fuck south park says right before they lynch jared the subway douchebag. what the fuck is going on here, two black people now have told me to go back to arifuckingzona??? am i the only one seeing this, should i post it on youtube? is anyone else doing the math on that? two black dudes, one a security guard, the other a homeless rockstar that thinks himself more of a rockstar than me... what the fuck is going on here, yeah, it's obviously time for me to happen, cause y'all are doin' such a bangup fuckin' job here of telling everyone else how to live your life, you must be proud of all your little minion clones, you know they made a movie about you, and it was ANIMATED!!! hahahahaha! well, yeah, i'm animatrinity, which even facebook won't allow, so... yeah. just proves how fuckin' dumb you really are, and how little you know about me. go fuck yourselfies. i'm an evolutionist. i'm an anarchist. and you're officially fuckin' with the wrong man. you better pray, hope, and fear, that i don't become one of those self made men you occasionally hear about. would someone read this fucking blog already! goddamnit! i've only been asking for fifteen fucking years now! no one reads anymore? what happened to reading rainbow, did they fail too? someone needs to understand, you don't own me, so you need to stop telling me how the fuck to be a you clone, i'm never going to be, and i'm going to refuse, rebel, and resist more than sepultura and otep combined! listen to the song by machine head called imperium. better yet, listen to the live version on the machine fucking head live album, and when you get to the end of the song, you tell me if you think i'm gonna lose. go ahead.

you cheap plastic product fuck. i wish someone would read through my blogs and shit, and tell me the exact number of times i've said this before. that piece of information, i would pay to know. who's up for a little challenge this morning with your scrotal goat fucking frappé latté fuckin' queerfest. stop telling me to 'man up', this is me telling you fuckers to 'man up', or you sometimes use the term 'sack up', well, the sack only holds the balls, so i'll prefer for now to say 'ball up', even though it doesn't sound quite right, i like it because it doesn't sound like you.

fuck yourself.