depressing world

this is such a depressing fuckin world, man. no matter what i search google for, it doesn't fucking exist yet. heh. i can't even make the stupid little text box on this very page bigger. i searched the windows store for a google blogger app, there is no such thing. i spent the last half hour searching facebook and google for seattle nudists and naturists, exhibitionists, there is nothing, no results.

i'm in this motel. yesterday, the maid lady comes around, knocks on my door... the knocking is so impatient, that i rush to the door... i watch videos of girls answering the door naked for the pizza delivery guy, but i never see a naked pizza delivery girl. i see videos of the hotel maid walking into a room and catches the guy naked, but... what do i get? i get embarrassment, shame, humiliation, and a phone call from the front desk, saying 'don't be naked'.

where the fuck can i go, to find other people who refuse to wear clothing, people who refuse to hear any more rap music, people who... this is where my mind stops. i get two options into the list anymore, and my mind just stops right there. i can't ask my therapist about this, i can't ask sophia at the library about this, i can't ask anyone about this.

when do i get to stop feeling ashamed of myself. when do my talents get recognized so i can finally afford to get myself somewhere where people like me already exist, instead of having to conceive, build, and invent a fucking place where we can actually be happy without being nuked or abused by fascist control freaks who can't handle nudity or intellectual stimulation.

i'm losing my fucking mind here. i cannot be myself around anyone i know, no matter what. all i've ever heard is 'put your clothes on, turn that metal off, take a shower, how dare you ask that, no smoking, have a beer like everyone else, why don't you like coffee, why do you wear skirts, why can't you dress like a normal person and get a job, why is everything about you so wrong, why are you so angry and depressed, why can't you just be happy with the way this prison is like everyone else, we love having fears and clothing and repressed sexuality and excuses to not give a shit'.

these people don't realize that every suicide is just one more person desperately trying to escape their world because their world fucking sucks, it's not as cool as they make it seem. food is too expensive anywhere you go, everything costs too much when it shouldn't cost at all, and what the fuck are cops? are they really necessary? seems like every crime i've ever seen is a cop's fault in one way or another, just depends on who the fuck is looking at it, and from what angle, but i've never seen anyone competent enough to look at a crime and determine the real criminal, not even a judge.

that gives you a lot of faith in this world, doesn't it?

so if you're like me, and you don't like to wear clothing, and hate rap music, and would rather smoke weed and drink hot chocolate, than the societal norm of getting inebriated with alcohol to 'loosen up' every night, the resurrecting your corpse with coffee every morning, and loading your day full of addictions and a ritual based on fear and comfort, satiation and contentment, excess and dreams of unattainable luxury...

i feel dumber the more i say. i can barely even type right now with my stiff back just hurting and it won't stop, the pain will not let up for one fucking minute, it's just this constant wrenching fucking agony and i can barely breath over it. and no one gives a fuck. no one except maybe greg.

i'll never find a woman who gives a shit about me. all women want to do is change me.

i'll never find anyone who actually wants to see me naked or touch me.

it doesn't matter where i search. i could give google a bunch of crack, and still get no results. because naked people just do not exist on this fucking pathetic planet. i haven't found one yet. haven't talked to a single fucking naked person in forty years.

at least... that's how i feel.

they're not still here, so...

they're too busy working and shopping.

if you're anything like me...
prefer to be naked...
hate coffee, alcohol and rap music...
prefer hot chocolate, heavy metal, and weed...

heh...

i just can't stop wondering at this point...

why the fuck won't you talk to me?
why the fuck won't any of you touch me?
why the fuck won't any of you make yourselves visible to me?

because it's the only thing this world has ever told me...

it's too much to ask.

that's why it still hasn't happened yet.

out of seven billion people, every last single fuckin one of them needs clothing.
out of seven billion people, every single last fuckin one of them likes rap.
and coffee, and alcohol, and fear, and jobs, and money...

this is such a fucking endless nightmare for me, i barely even see death as a way out of it.

i've seen though my own ghost's eyes...

tried flying away, tried swimming away, tried running away, tried evaporating into darkness...

the agony persists.

these stupid people just won't go away.

i've imagined ghosts designing their own ships...
then the living see this herd of ships leaving the earth with no visible occupants...

would it ever occur to them, that it was the dead souls leaving their planet because we found a better fuckin teevee show to change the fuckin channel to!

does that thought puff like weed smoke in their heads?

do they think, 'wow, all the dead souls just left our planet, i wonder why'...

'did we suck that much?'

'they really didn't like being here, maybe we should do something different'...

yeah, it wasn't bad enough that so many people killed themselves.

that didn't help accelerate the clue.

why do i feel so fucking alone, so fucking alien, so fucking ugly...

on a planet that's no less alone, alien, and ugly than i am?

why can't i belong anywhere?

why can't i be around naked metalheads instead of cops and 'put your clothes on!' idiots?

why can't weed replace alcohol, why can't hot chocolate replace coffee, why can't heavy metal replace rap?

why can't men grow the fuck up and stop staring at me, and why can't women grow the fuck up and touch me? when is anything going to fucking change?

how the fuck can i change it when i can't get the first person to give a shit?

how do you walk across a bridge of clothed people to get to the land of nudity?

no one will even read this.