dear starbucks

here's a brilliant idea. everything i'd like to say to people. everything that needs to be explained for anyone to understand a fucking thing about me, and that i'm nothing like you, never gonna be. every idea i've had. every dream inspired by pain. every change i'd like to see in the world. every good thought i have every day. i'm gonna try my hardest to put it all here. i know there's already too much text on this site for any one human to read in a hundred year lifetime, but i don't give a shit, this shit still has to be read by someone. to whoever wants to be a scholar of mine, enjoy. get a good look inside this brain.

so here's my first attempt. it's what i'd like to say to starbucks. but i never get to, because money is too important.

next time i'm using their 'free wifi', and they ask me to buy something.

i'm honestly just here for your free wifi. i'm poor, i hate money, i'd like nothing more than to see the end of this machine. i do not like starbucks, i do not support you in any way, i hate your products, your hot chocolate sucks, it tastes like powder and it's way too expensive, and i fucking hate overpriced microwaved 'health' food. i think you people are fucking out of your minds, and because of that, this is what i dream of to replace you.

i'd like to have my own coffee house. but first of all, it would so not be a coffee house. coffee houses are for loner clones to feel accepted and appreciated among strangers to comfort them as they fear what they can't even think about, the fact that we're spinning on a planet, in darkness, not knowing a fucking thing about why, so their insecurities find them drinking horrible tasting shit out of a stylish mug that says some catchy catch phrase on it, thinking you're better than anyone else, and... yeah, do i have to say anymore? you're in a fucking coffee shop.

my coffee shop would only serve hot chocolate. and if you walk in with just one dollar to your name, you can have as much hot chocolate as you want. the restroom and wifi are free to use, no purchase necessary, and yes, there is a smoking section. in fact, ninety percent of the place is smoking, the tiny little nonsmoking section is next to the restroom, which is partially outdoors. why should smokers have to smoke in the wind. no, that's the wrong way around. nonsmokers. listen up. if you're not smoking, you belong in the wind. duh. you're idiots, that's just nature, which proves how unnatural you are, can't possibly smile and enjoy the moment now, which is why i fucking smoke. but incase you don't fully understand the physics of the deal, i'll explain it to you. you see, the wind is a smoker's enemy. it's not easy to light a cigarette or a bowl when the wind is blowing. also, if the wind is blowing, it burns your cigarette down too fast, and also wastes your bowl. no, see, smokers belong indoors. you're not smoking, thus you belong outdoors. you fucking imbecile.

yes, i also know how to spell connoisseur without spellcheck. can we focus please?

i might have to explain it in even simpler terms for you, i know how hard it is to cram a new idea into that locked box of yours. like a treasure chest filled with dinosaur fossils and bad dreams. eugh.

anyway. picture this. you're standing outside. it's a windy day. and you're trying to light a cigarette. the reason you're lighting the cigarette is to relieve the stress of the asshole in the store you just came out of, who wouldn't let you buy your hot chocolate, and just wanted to be a childish prick this morning. so you step outside and try to light a cigarette to relieve that stress, but the wind won't let you light it. yeah, see? more stress, right? there you go, i feel the blood working its way through your capillaries. this is good, now pour some wheaties in your bowl, and we'll move on to part two of this little explanation.

okay, now. picture this. a smoker is sitting inside his comfy, cozy apartment, smoking a cigarette, and a bowl. you're standing outside in the wind, waiting for a bus, and the wind is blowing your hair. is that causing you any stress? yeah, fuck no it's not, shut up and quit your bitchin', you've gotten to whine and bitch and moan and complain for too fucking long, you stupid weakling little pussy, it's time you get fucked out into the cold. fuck you. here's a pack of smokes, go fuck yourself, and enjoy the fucking concrete, you turdfuck. spoiled little whiny bitch. 'officer, he's smoking', god, you should have been shot right then, you should have been an abortion, no, even better, you should have been a fucking miscarriage, to weak to be born, you fucking puss. god, bitching about smoke, what the fuck is wrong with you, are you that spoiled and pampered that an earthquake would really just rock your fuckin' world, wouldn't it? how much could you bitch about then, i wonder? 'sir, the earth just swallowed my purse, and i don't know how much to pay to get it back!', you fucking repulsive moron. fuck you and your coffee shop. you make me sick. you make me more sick than my smoke makes you, is that a fair enough fucking statement yet? can you shut your weakling little fuckin' mouth, get that faggy high pitched voice back in idiocracy where it belongs? you bitched and got your way. you got the whole fuckin' restaurant, you got the whole fuckin' plane, and you don't even smoke! if you smoked, you'd probly have less to complain about, you fucking puss! come stand infront of my bulldozer, please.

see, you belong outside. because you don't smoke, and you're a weakling who needs some road miles, some smoke in your lungs, some cancer in your balls, then you can come back inside. i wish i could find better words to say that. i honestly do, because i know you'll resist understanding it, you'll deny it till your face looks like a smoker! you'll do anything to refuse that knowledge. to keep your weak little self safe from anything that may turn you into an adult, grow hair on your balls, or put a pulse in your fuckin' useless vein. how did you end up on this planet, it's not ready for weaklings and fragile bitches yet, give it another two million years, asshole. looks like you're ahead of your time. me on the other hand, pall mall just went on sale, looks like i'm right on time. get the fuck lost.

so, to summarize. i want to make sure you truly understand this before i go. i want to cram this into your head against your will. rape it into your fucking brain. because i believe this information is mandatory for our survival. for us to survive a weak little experiment like you. you don't get to bitch about smoke anymore. you don't get the comfy cozy indoors, when you're not using it to block the wind from your cigarette. back in the dawn of time. man invented fire. then he discovered tobacco and weed, and tried to smoke them. but it was windy, so he built a house. poof, there you have it, the dawn of civilization and its true purpose. fuck you. you think you know everything. cavemen were smokers. those weren't aliens on the cave walls, those were cigarette burns. if they were aliens, they would have shown up by now, and believe me, they would be smokers, too. why do you think they built a space ship? to block the fucking wind! you fucking mormon!

here's a catchphrase. you're dumber than a scientologist. they're such wannabe scientists, they couldn't even spell the word right. put that on fuckin' twitter. what, are you trying to be a scientist and a psychologist at the same time, and call it a religion? you fuckin' bloated goat.

so, you see, smokers need walls, because wind is not smoker friendly. you are also not smoker friendly. this is my fuckin' coffee shack. if you don't smoke, you sit outside. you freeze your ass off. if you want to get warm, you light a fuckin' cigarette like a man. and if you bitch about one fuckin' thing, you're banished. vanished. exiled.

why can't we embarrass a weakling like you? do you have too much money? well, i'll take care of that. i won't take your money from you. i won't need to once i take the importance away from money. all i have to do is offer another option. you weren't even a good gambler. you didn't bet on me. fuckin' loser.

so, do you get it yet? buildings are for blocking wind. for smokers. we built the fuckin' things. construction workers are smokers. dickweed. do your research. buildings block wind. they're obviously designed for smokers, built by smokers, you get the fuck out. better hurry, i'm lightin' up. get the fuck out. don't let the revolving door hit you in the ass repeatedly on the way out, cause ted here might film it and stick it on youtube. fuck off now.

you're the weakling. you're the whiny little bitch. you're the pussy. and i just fuckin' proved it.

i also simultaneously destroyed starbucks and all their clones and plastic steeple filling people. i feel like a suckin' down a boston creme donut. i also offered a better idea than starbucks. and told nonsmokers what they really are, all in one blog. i'd say that's a success for my first overdue heart chunk release. blog style.