still here

not really sure what the fuck i'm doing lately. hating everything i see. staying away from males. obnoxious, belligerent, barbaric fucks. they're all the same. clone number one, dragging his pants on the ground. clone number two, shorts and flip flops. clone number three, suit and tie and god complex. i know that i'm absolutely sick of money and society. if money is the root of all evil, the entire tree which grows from that demon root, every pathetic aspect of this society, i fucking deeply loathe. i know that. everything that ever stemmed from anything to do with that dollar bill and the control it offers. from monogamy and marriage, to how we raise our children, to the laziness with which we use our own language without evolving it to something simpler and more efficient. the way we dress, the fact that we can never ever be naked. we have to be perfect little obedient, complacent, docile consumers at all times and can't have a moment of enjoyment. the only thing that attracts a female is a fat wallet. everything is fucking pathetic and i'm unhappy with it. i'm very sure of all that. i'm at least a thousand years before my time. painfully aware of that. i'm also aware of the fact that whenever i think of my ideal life, i can't help diving miserably into the cycle of everything i hate. it hurts to even picture my community lately. because the chances of ever getting it to start are at once so seemingly possible, yet so impossible. so i'm telling my therapist about this, and seeing if i can change that little thought. sometime soon. how do you stop seeing everything that makes you miserable? how do you stop letting it make you feel miserable? how do you numb yourself to hell while walking through the depths of it? picturing a heaven that won't exist until you build it... because every other heaven is a fraud. how the fuck.