ostracized

i need to write something right now. but i don't even know what the fuck to write. i've felt so rejected for so long. unwanted. wondering when i'll be allowed to live my life my way. if ever.

and i know the heartless idiots always have this wonderful little vurp to spit out...

they tell you shit like 'you're allowed to live how you want, no one's stopping you'.

which basically means they're completely neglecting to acknowledge all the corruption, tyranny, and greed that suffocate our planet. they love to just ignorantly gloss over that one. they love to act like there are no assholes on this planet.

it's the same people that tell you that anything bad that happens in your life is your fault alone, and never anyone else's, and i always ask these people, then why do we have cops?

if there are no criminals or violations on this planet, why do we have lawyers and judges?

i mean, seriously, if we don't need lawyers and cops... fuckin get rid of them. you'll see my smile get bigger, that's for damn sure. you can put money on that.

it should have been my lifelong career, putting these oblivious douchetwats in their place. how they could be so ignorant of oppression, as to basically blame the oppressed for being oppressed, and telling them it's just their delusion, they're not actually being oppressed. for people who can pass that off, i can't even feel sorry for them. i wouldn't waste my mutated emotions on something that pointless and empty. and i don't wonder if they're aware of that or not.

because i know why my life has sucked. it may come as a debatable surprise to you, but...

i got bitched at by a stripper around one am this morning for parking in 'her' spot. she had to scream over me, not letting me explain or even apologize, telling me her daughter has anxiety because the other campers who park there steal from their house...

i never like to make it seem like my scars are any worse than anyone else's.

that's never what anyone else ever assumes, in fact quite the opposite. everyone loves to assume i'm stupider than them.

but when your scars are actually worse than the person bitching at you, and acting 'holier than thou' over you, it's hard to hold the comparisons back just for vengeance, especially with the bomb of complex ptsd bouncing around in your head.

i felt like screaming back, i'm forty years old, i have complex ptsd and severe depression from years of abuse, and my two children were fucking stolen from me, i'm sure you wouldn't give a fuck about that cause all you care about is your fuckin self, your selfish life, and whatever you have that i don't have...

but i didn't. i held that in. she'll never hear that. she'll never know or care. and neither of us will ever apologize to eachother. she didn't have to start off attacking me, she might have gotten a better reaction out of me, she's lucky she didn't get a worse reaction, she triggered me, and i could have gone off had i not learned by now how to suppress that shit.

how can i see... that every interaction has the potential to be so much more... human... and why can't i do anything about it?

for me to make this world, or even individual lives any better, i'd have to have control over all lives...

which leads me to think... the ultra wealthy who own this planet and everything on it including you...

they have all those resources, all those trillions of dollars, and...

this is the best they could do? seriously? dominating the poor was their best idea?

it is not fun -

sharing a planet with them.

if i had their trillions and resources and shit... man... how could i describe it...

why do i so desperately dream of having my own country where money and gods are not allowed?

and why does that pipe dream seem so pointless and unachievable?

and why... if i know where my misery comes from, why can i not blame the source?

if i did, i see a world being held accountable for the irresponsible acts... being more mature...

i can't help but see potential everywhere, because to me, everything sucks.

this fucking stomach is bitching and whining like a child and driving me fucking insane. i might have to pack up and use the restroom again. waiting for the weed store to open at eight, then i have therapy at eleven.

i fucking hate my life. i hate this world so much.

the thing is, everyone just thinks they're so much better than me, they're always right, i'm always wrong... and i'm sick of that.

i'm sick of everyone always assuming i'm just like everyone else.

i'm sick of males coming up to me, talking to me. i should really do what the deicide dude did, he branded an inverted cross in his forehead, trying to make it obvious enough, keep your god cock the fuck outta my fuckin throat... i need to brand 'anti male' into my forehead obviously.

so i wrote on my van this morning, after some other douchebag came up to my van thinking i'm their fuckin friend... i wrote 'i no longer speak to males', and 'males stay the fuck away from me'.

i hurt so fuckin much, in so much intense physical pain, and i don't think my stomach's gonna wait much longer, so i... i think i have to wrap this up for now, but...

this shit's been on my mind heavily for a long time now.

but... i got a comment on deviantart this morning that really melted into my heart. she'll probably never read this, as i still keep all my sites separate from eachother, but... thank you, paige.

anyway... have to baby this stupid stomach now. fuckin whiny little twat. i hate this body so much, it is not mine, it is merely a fuckin defective vessel. and i cannot wait to leave it.

and i will always seriously consider never coming back here.

what's it like, to wonder, for most of your life, what other planet you belong on more, or how far in the future should you have been born for anything to seem better.

this planet is still in its infancy.
the universe is expanding.
that tells me, we're barely going from our diapers to our training wheels.

i really shouldn't have shown up till we were at least driving, if not flying.

and all that 'run before you can walk' bullshit... all i can say to those losers... wait till they see their speedometer and realize how detached from reality they are. buffoons.

i fuckin hate everyone, and i'm fuckin proud of that. i don't need friends, i need an army. friends are fucking useless and overrated. and until they realize that... my smell keeps them away.

no one else can tell me what i am. i say what i am. i defy them.

i am a narcissist. i am an asshole. i am a sexist. if you have a problem with that, you should not be anywhere near me, or you're going to feel really fucking stupid, and anything you say will be fucking pointless and used against you.

i am an godhating antitheist. i am a moneyhating anarchist and fuckin proud of it, and that ain't never fuckin changing, not for you or anyone else. the more you try to convert me or convince me, the more hatred i can grow at will. and it is my choice whether you think so or not.

i am a nudist, which means i fucking hate clothing, and your fears hanging off of them.

and lastly, but most certainly not least, even to you... and you better pay the fuck attention and understand this one, because this separates me from you more than anything else. this defines me as a completely different breed of human.

I AM A MUTHERFUCKIN HARDCORE, HIGH OCTANE, HIGH CALIBRE, VISCERAL CEREBRAL MUTHERFUCKIN METALHEAD!!! I'M SO HARDCORE, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR METAL!!! SO STAY THE FUCK OUTTA MY MUSIC COLLECTION!!! YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC SUCKS GOATTWAINT AND I CAN PROVE IT ON A GIRL'S NAKED ASS!!!

mutherfucker.

we have nothing in common. we are nothing alike. we do not see eye to 3ye.

and i don't see why we should agree on anything. it's up to me to walk my own path, not you.

i know myself, and that's more than you can say for yourself. clone.