dinner thoughts

all i can do is write. i think skynyrd said that once. i can't stand this anymore. i don't know what to do, or who to talk to, or where to go. i can't find any potheads that know how to share. i can't get a second to think. i can't find anyone with a heart, and i honestly don't know why i'm still looking, i should have given up by now. i know i'll never find what i need. there's no point.

but i have to think anyway. where do i go. i need a place where there are three free meals a day, possible housing, and most importantly, a good ratio of potheads who know how to share, versus any risk of death. i'm trying to stay away from downtown. if someone could just take me away from here, there's nothing here for me, i'm not accomplishing anything.

fuck it, finally stoned.

goddamnit.

what do i want to do.

i picture myself standing on a stage. i've just shocked the audience by telling them i'm bill hicks, and i reach back to the wall behind me, and hit the wall, and just appears on the wall,

© 1995 Bill Hicks

i know what i need to make that happen. how do i meet my heroes. the still living ones.

that right there is a magic trick. for that, i need penn and teller. they're in vegas.

why can you not contact any of these people online, what good is the internet.

who all is in los angeles that i know of. otep shamaya, at least. i know maria brink and in this moment are here. that's her band, for the idiots reading this. who else. los angeles metal bands, i'd have to look them up on wikipedia, i can't remember them all.

this is what i know metal band wise. swedish bands: soilwork, sonic syndicate, in flames, meshuggah, scar symmetry... italian bands: disarmonia mundi, lacuna coil, raintime (split). canadian bands: devin townsend, the birthday massacre, the agonist... i used to know so much more. i know machine head is in oakland, i went there and there was nothing. fear factory, i forget where they are, possibly here. they just released a new album, they're on tour. who else. metal bands, come on, i impressed my wife with this knowledge. sixty thousand albums i had. i know i know them, but i can never list them all at once. when i hear the band name, i know everything about them... or i knew.

comedians... i don't know where most of them are from. they all constantly tour cause there's no guitars for them to track.

scientists, i have no clue where any of them are, for all i know, they're all in sveeden fuckin' with that neutron collider thing, whatever the fuck, i don't keep up on much science, cause what's there to keep up on, i studied history, and that's all they're diggin' in anyway, they still don't know what the fuck forward is, all they see is robots. they work with too many chemicals. that's why they need psychedelic. so before i can even translate to a scientist, i need to start my religion.

what the fuck do i do first? i just need to get attention, and enough money to start something.

easiest ways to get attention quick, open mic at laugh factory, or metal band, that's all i've come up with so far, people don't read. and i don't have enough money yet to record any video or find a book publisher. i don't know where to go to start my own religion, and i still haven't found any computer programmers who give a shit about my ozztek idea, they all think they're smarter than me, and tell me it can't be done. fuck you, anything can be done, i know this can be designed, i see it in my head, i know what it is, i know how to use it, how it works... you fuckin' design the thing, you speak its language, although, essentially, it needs to be built on its own new language, that we also speak, that's my vision. my vision is every step past the first one, i've never been able to see the first step. all i can come up with is open mic. but damned if i can find the motivation to do that one, with their fucking 'sign up next week' shit, the most discouraging idea possible. wait in line all day twosday to sign up, then come back next week to see if you're on the list yet. the fuck you, man, goddamnit, what asshole came up with that. no, if you're there, you go on stage. that's fuckin' just duh law. jesus. open the fucking mic, that's what it's fucking called. do i have to find a smaller club, that does more poetry and shit. i'll google the other comedy places here, and try going to them, but i cannot walk that far. i need more opportunity to work on the shit, and ask someone before making a fool of myself that way. there are too many other ideas at stake here to fuck up on that one first.

ideas... metal band, books, movies of all sorts and lengths... even just my albums are different concepts and different lengths and things, and they grow and evolve, like metamorphosis, someday i want to play that album in this big natural setting with big fucking speakers coming out of the earth, that really pound the shit out of you, and metamorphosis turns into this trippy day long psychedelic metal musical thing... well... fuck it, why go off on that one, no one gives a shit.

fuck it, ideas in order of what i can do first, at least...

open mic.
metal band. first album, first shows.
then get a book out. at least one, if i can have someone just start recording me, and publish some of the shit in some sensible order. cause it's all coming out of me in fragments and shit.

then what. then, i have to be fucking quick, actually, no, immediately when the metal band starts making enough money, i need to hire people and start working on creating ozztek industries.

and while doing that, i need to simultaneously get working on the religion deal, i know i need to do those two ideas at the same time. that's the vision, they're two things... well...

the religion, i need to publish a book about it, with all the information in some good order. it needs to state that i am the dividing line between psychedelic and psychotic states of mind. i am drawing the line where i think it should be drawn, where it needs to be drawn. once i do that, i can start building the community, and attract all the homeless people there, and get them away from psychotic, which will be hard with so many psychotic idiots hating me, to keep them away from the central core of strictly psychedelic... using no weapons. yeah, figure that one out.

i have. it's all in my visions, i've seen basically every possible outcome, all the fragment possibilities, any little thing that could possibly go wrong at any moment, i've not only seen the entire fractal, i've spent my life studying it. i know it well, except for that first step for me. i don't know what happens, what's the first thing to get me onto the path, it's eluded me for too many years, i should have hit something when i was eighteen or twenty. no one knows anymore, but that's why twenty three was so hard to handle, i was lost. banging into this head, chiseling away, and finding nothing but concrete, where is the brain. how do i strike that gold.

i cannot get anyone's attention. they're all numb, controlled, zombies with opinions, not hearts.

i don't know what else to say. i'm hungry.