saturday

okay. today, i need to use the restroom as much as possible, cause the library's closed tomorrow.

i need to call sarah black, ask her for some clothes, explain the mail/meal situation to her, zach and josh, and ask for her help with march's money.

i need to ask someone here at the library for some help budgeting my money, and sticking to it.

i need to make sure i can get my new laptop, cause this thing fucking sucks, i'm sick of it.

i need to do some looking around online and trying to make some friends who speak metal.

i'll stick to that for now, cause this pain in my stomach is getting so bad, i keep feeling like i'm passing out.

i'll leave my progress here. i'm down to four smokes, one bowl, two burgers and a bag of trail mix, and i've gone once already. i need to take two water pills, one pain pill.

i desperately need new clothes from sarah black:
long thick black classy skirt, new long black trench coat, dress shoes. possibly better sunglasses, though i did find some at least. god, this stomach pain, i've gotta get this thing out of me. this ain't right.

jon won't be online today to help me focus, so i'm on my own for thought.

i'd also like to thin out my music collection, deleting unnecessary songs. each album i only like one song, i'll consolidate those into a folder for moods.

update: made a new friend today at least, from supportgroups. not sure how long it will branch out, but we'll continue monday. i'll call sarah tomorrow about clothing. other than that, i'm fuckin' fried. that took all fuckin' day. barely finished, and now it's time to go. figures.

...
random thought just occurred to me. people always bitch and whine about how much being molested as a child really screwed them up. i've never once thought that. i wish i had been molested as a child. if i had been physically abused, i might have learned a little more about how to fight a little earlier on, even though... that knowledge isn't that useful to me. but see, any form of physical abuse, whether sexual, violent, or otherwise (what else is there in the neanderthal mind), a: i don't think i would have let it 'damage me' as much as the interruptions have, and b: you know... here's the kicker. to be abused in anyway... i would have had to have been noticed first. so you whiny weakling little pussies that bitch about 'my uncle touched me', consider yourselves lucky. at least you were part of someone else's life. at least you were noticed. so coming from someone who would give anything to be touched even in naughty ways, take it from me... imagine being hated from birth. invisible from day one. no chance of ever being accepted. no chance of ever being heard. a voice that just doesn't penetrate hearts. i can talk through walls, but i can't kill apathy. thanks, world. thanks, family. those losers who think themselves never to blame, and use that attack of 'you just like to blame the world for your problems', that's exactly what i'm doing. it's about time someone had the balls to blame you. society is fucked, i plan to prove it, and by showing you something better, show you what losers you are now. go ahead. flip to my fuckin' channel.