years

well, mama... it's been a year since you died. i sure miss you. i loved every minute with you.

two years of traveling, now. and three years of homelessness in july.

though, some people have different opinions on the term, i've never really had a home. nowhere on this earth have i felt like i belong yet, nor around any people, so when i say i'm homeless, in one way or another, i've always been homeless. i've lived in houses, apartments, on my own, with people... but i've never belonged in any of those places or situations.

i feel like i'm mister wrong place wrong time, i'm never where i should be, and i always feel that. i never find much on the ground, i always feel like whoever got there just before me found it. there's not a sidewalk i can walk down where i'm not in someone else's way, there's not a dark corner of a room i can stand where i'm not taking up someone else's space, and there's not a minute i can talk where i'm not taking up someone else's precious time. people talk over me constantly, especially men trying to dominate me and educate me, and assuming i'm dumber than them. i got complex ptsd from being intentionally brutally verbally slaughtered by my family for too many years, when i should have gotten out of there twenty years ago. how stupid of me to try and educate myself first, write some good things, and be lucky enough to have a couple kids, what a fuckin' fool. looking back, i'm glad that life was destroyed, but...

i would say it's been a wild ride, but since birth, i've found this planet to be extremely boring, and never can find my people. i assume it should be simple, metalheads, potheads, nudists, hippies, anarchists, geeks, those are my people. i see clones. people who share some ideas, don't share others. and i've been told way too many times, 'dude, you're too much', or that i overwhelm and overload people, in less verbal ways. i don't know why i'm repeating all this again. this looking back shit really pisses me off. i wasn't even trying to say all this shit, i just wanted to post that thing for mom. fuckin' retard.

miss you, mama.