bitches

my heart hurts so much that i can't even write anymore. i can't look at people anymore.

this world is full of fake fucking people. they're all fake. every fucking one of them.

they're all addicted to drugs, money, or gods, and nothing resembling truth. or love.

it's wrong to ask for love. at least they make it seem that way.

every woman i try to talk to...

they can't wait to start off blaming me, like i'm the big problem, i'll never be good enough.

truth is, this world doesn't deserve something as cool as me, they can't even help me do anything.

women are not worth the pursuit anymore. they're not worth shit.

from now on, you bitches want anything from me, you fuckin pay up front.

fuckin snobs.

you take all the fun out of life. i hope you burn in hell for it.

fuckin put out. fuck someone. heal some fuckin hearts. before being selfish twats.

misery

i have a cold. i keep sneezing. the last sneeze made me bite my tongue again. i so fucking hate normal people. i hate everyone. i hate couples. i hate happy people. i hate tattoos. i hate piercings. i fucking detest males. i fucking hate males so much i can't even find the words. but i'm not happy with women either. they refuse to acknowledge me. they're all cowards.

i really do not belong anywhere on this planet. everything is too wrong for me.

males still won't stop staring at me even though i wrote STOP STARING on the back of my laptop.

i fucking want to die. i'd give my life to have this nightmare end and be over with.

i hate males dragging their pants on the ground. i hate that everyone is having a better time than i am. and they can't even relate to mine. a sneeze every two minutes, blowing my nose every other two minutes, my eyes are flooded with tears and snot, my head feels like a boston cream donut.

i can't even write anymore. nothing i want to say. no one i want to say it to.

i just...

i know how this sounds, but... i can't stop picturing myself turning into a suicidal rapist.

i don't want that to happen, but i'm losing the ability to care. because no one can care about me.

it's the nightmare between the nightmare of no women looking at me, and the nightmare of all males staring at me... it's the confusion betwixt all that. the tension in my shoulders.

and... to top it off... the whole 'no end in sight' thing... tunnel with no light...

payday

i feel like shit. i feel so sick. stomach is insane, gastroparesis is like a war in my chest. getting my van running today, hopefully, paid up my hot chocolate tab. still have to pay my friend, seventy five for a battery, twenty for an alternator, more for labor. stomach hurts so much and just won't stop. got a call from sarah at facing homelessness yesterday. they are really intent on never helping anyone, and just being a front, a facade... everything is a lie. it's hard to even breathe anymore. this heart won't stop shaking. males won't stop staring at me, women still won't look at me. the way cops stare at me, it's like they're expecting me to break any random law right in front of them. like i'm such a threat.

i really don't think i have the will to keep living anymore. not if i have to live alone. everyone has to make it seem like finding a woman like me is so unimaginably impossible... they seriously think having a job is the only way to live, and they condemn anyone who doesn't agree. i'm sick of all males having to stare at me. i feel like such a moron, sound like such a moron. just a loser piece of shit. i can't even think. i try so hard. people just can't stop expecting me to be like every other human, and the more i tell them about me... the less they understand. people just can't stop shoving that 'security' and 'capitalism' and 'you need to love yourself' propaganda bullshit down my fucking throat. they all say the same bullshit, and even when i tell them that... it does no good. these people are simply incapable of understanding why i don't want a fucking job. how fucking hard can it be?

there's just no fuckin way anyone's ever gonna give a fuck about me. without me paying them for it. i feel so small and insignificant. don't know why the fuck i'm even talking. no one gives a fuck. no one has read so much as a single post on this blog in at least five years. what's the fuckin point.

i don't know what to say or who to talk to anymore. everything i say is wrong. or 'inappropriate'. or just too negative. my favourite starfucks girl, candice, was just talking to a... i can't even fuckin say it. i'm pretty sure i'm just gonna end my fuckin life soon. there's really no point in living anymore.

the 'freedom of speech' no longer exists.

this stupid stomach will not stop growling at me. i feel hated by everyone.

dear ps community

i'm really really tired of y'all making me out to be the bad guy. bringing the worst out of me on a daily basis just like any other online community. it's really sad, and it really needs to stop. the level of bullying and abuse on this and every other site is staggering and appalling. not to mention the level of immaturity.

i'm a writer, a poet, a thinker, and i've written some very beautiful poetry, and i've had some astonishing visions of how this world would look if we knew what 'better' actually was. i have a gift of being able to see our potential, and, contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing.

i would like to do open mic. i would like to start a metal band. i would like to start photography. i would like to design my own computer from the ground up that gives each end user full complete control over their own entire desktop environment. i would like to build my own sovereign nation for outcasts like me. i would like to make movies about how this world could be better if physical contact were our only currency. i would like to integrate all of that into one big thing, called 'digital synaesthetix'. imagine walking into your home, you say a few words, and the mood lighting and music match your mood. i can do that. imagine your digital world, your computer desktop, looking like no one else's. i can do that. i have a lot of value in me, and i don't understand why no one else can see it. it's not because it's invisible, it's because you choose not to see it. you choose to see the worst in me, which brings out the worst in me, because i have been abused by the same thing already for so long.

i even have a list of what i call 'mandatory educational material for evolution' (or m.e.m.e. for short), which includes all three zeitgeist documentaries, dmt the spirit molecule, above majestic, both american drug war documentaries, as well as 'what in the world are they spraying' and much more. the easiest way to get informed that i have collected over the years. and i can't even get anyone to watch one with me because you're all always too busy. too busy obsessing over jobs, gods, drugs, or who knows what evil horrible stuff is in your heads that keeps you from accepting me as something royally different than you.

so please. out of the kindness in my heart, between all the scars and wounds, i'm begging you all, please, stop trying to see the worst in me, and try to start appreciating something good about me, so i can stop feeling so abused and persecuted and beaten down, so i can stop having to defend myself, repeat myself, explain myself, constantly, every day, digging through a jungle of assholes just to find one brave unemployed, unaddicted woman capable of accepting me for who i am rather than changing me because i'm just not good enough.

i know i'm good enough for one special woman out there who can see as clearly as i can that money is just another drug, that god is just another drug, that anything the system sells you is just another drug meant for satiation, making you dumber, not smarter, making you weaker, not stronger, making you more common and less younique. i can see it. it doesn't make me your enemy. so please. can we agree to drop the swords and let me find the love i deserve? can we please stop the warfare and start donating love to the cause? please? if you're not going to love me and accept me, is it too much to ask that you kindly step out of the way, and let someone else get my attention? please? i'm begging you all, each and every one of you. i do not deserve these constant blows to the heart. i really don't. and if you seriously cannot see that i'm just defending myself, rather than attacking you... maybe we should just have different sites, different countries, or even different planets.

is it too much to ask that i stop being persecuted for not wanting a job? for wanting a woman who doesn't need a job? for wanting a woman who just enjoys the simple life, and not being tied to an atm everyday?

that's all i want. and i don't think it's too much to ask. ask yourself, if you were me, and this is what you wanted, and instead, you had to slice your way through a thick jungle of hatred, accusations, assumptions, misconstrusions (if that's even a word), and just any form of degradation, isolation, exclusion, humiliation and abuse they can throw... how would that make you feel? if you didn't want a job, and every employed person in this world had to throw a monkey turd at you, and demand that you get a job because how dare you live a different way, how dare you not pay your taxes for a country who rejects you and turns you into a fugitive, a refugee, an animal, running for the hills, the border, or the water, just to catch a breath.

do you have any idea what it feels like to be persecuted?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be condemned?

do you have any idea what it feels like to sacrifice everything, lose everything else?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be the only one who's changing your life? escaping the norm?

please. stop making me out to be the bad guy. stop bringing out the worst in me.

if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. keep your opinions to yourselves.

please. if any woman is going to love me, it cannot be with the wounds you have given me.

stop the condemnation, stop the persecution, stop the misunderstanding.

all i'm looking for is one unemployed and unaddicted woman. should it really be this difficult?

she shouldn't be that hard to find, she probably feels just as abused and crushed as i do.

just as invisible, unwanted, hated, ashamed...

these swords aren't in my hands for a war against you. they're just trying to get you out of the way so i can find love. can you not understand that? please?

i want a woman. which means, males, please stay away from me, do not speak to me, have a little respect.

i want an unemployed woman. which means, any employed women who are too busy... please stay away.

i want an unaddicted woman. which means, any women with addictions to drugs, coffee, money... please.

i really don't think this is too much to ask of seven billion fellow humans sharing a planet together.

i'm even offering to pay someone to be a wingfriend of sorts. if you can help me find a woman like this, i will gladly paypal you a hundred bucks. the longer she sticks around, the more grateful and cooperative i'll be.

but you're never going to get a docile, positive slave out of me. i just cannot be another one of you. there are enough positive people in this world, you shouldn't have to condemn me for choosing to be different.

please. truce? white flags? i will gladly keep my anger to myself, if you can keep your condemnation to yourselves.

i have asked this before.

meicide

i feel like such a fuckin loser.
all i ever wanted was love.
i've sent out too many
unanswered messages like that.
i really don't belong here.
no one's ever gonna fuckin love me.
i've tried to enhance too many
lives that just didn't want it.