payday

i feel like shit. i feel so sick. stomach is insane, gastroparesis is like a war in my chest. getting my van running today, hopefully, paid up my hot chocolate tab. still have to pay my friend, seventy five for a battery, twenty for an alternator, more for labor. stomach hurts so much and just won't stop. got a call from sarah at facing homelessness yesterday. they are really intent on never helping anyone, and just being a front, a facade... everything is a lie. it's hard to even breathe anymore. this heart won't stop shaking. males won't stop staring at me, women still won't look at me. the way cops stare at me, it's like they're expecting me to break any random law right in front of them. like i'm such a threat.

i really don't think i have the will to keep living anymore. not if i have to live alone. everyone has to make it seem like finding a woman like me is so unimaginably impossible... they seriously think having a job is the only way to live, and they condemn anyone who doesn't agree. i'm sick of all males having to stare at me. i feel like such a moron, sound like such a moron. just a loser piece of shit. i can't even think. i try so hard. people just can't stop expecting me to be like every other human, and the more i tell them about me... the less they understand. people just can't stop shoving that 'security' and 'capitalism' and 'you need to love yourself' propaganda bullshit down my fucking throat. they all say the same bullshit, and even when i tell them that... it does no good. these people are simply incapable of understanding why i don't want a fucking job. how fucking hard can it be?

there's just no fuckin way anyone's ever gonna give a fuck about me. without me paying them for it. i feel so small and insignificant. don't know why the fuck i'm even talking. no one gives a fuck. no one has read so much as a single post on this blog in at least five years. what's the fuckin point.

i don't know what to say or who to talk to anymore. everything i say is wrong. or 'inappropriate'. or just too negative. my favourite starfucks girl, candice, was just talking to a... i can't even fuckin say it. i'm pretty sure i'm just gonna end my fuckin life soon. there's really no point in living anymore.

the 'freedom of speech' no longer exists.

this stupid stomach will not stop growling at me. i feel hated by everyone.