dear ps community

i'm really really tired of y'all making me out to be the bad guy. bringing the worst out of me on a daily basis just like any other online community. it's really sad, and it really needs to stop. the level of bullying and abuse on this and every other site is staggering and appalling. not to mention the level of immaturity.

i'm a writer, a poet, a thinker, and i've written some very beautiful poetry, and i've had some astonishing visions of how this world would look if we knew what 'better' actually was. i have a gift of being able to see our potential, and, contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing.

i would like to do open mic. i would like to start a metal band. i would like to start photography. i would like to design my own computer from the ground up that gives each end user full complete control over their own entire desktop environment. i would like to build my own sovereign nation for outcasts like me. i would like to make movies about how this world could be better if physical contact were our only currency. i would like to integrate all of that into one big thing, called 'digital synaesthetix'. imagine walking into your home, you say a few words, and the mood lighting and music match your mood. i can do that. imagine your digital world, your computer desktop, looking like no one else's. i can do that. i have a lot of value in me, and i don't understand why no one else can see it. it's not because it's invisible, it's because you choose not to see it. you choose to see the worst in me, which brings out the worst in me, because i have been abused by the same thing already for so long.

i even have a list of what i call 'mandatory educational material for evolution' (or m.e.m.e. for short), which includes all three zeitgeist documentaries, dmt the spirit molecule, above majestic, both american drug war documentaries, as well as 'what in the world are they spraying' and much more. the easiest way to get informed that i have collected over the years. and i can't even get anyone to watch one with me because you're all always too busy. too busy obsessing over jobs, gods, drugs, or who knows what evil horrible stuff is in your heads that keeps you from accepting me as something royally different than you.

so please. out of the kindness in my heart, between all the scars and wounds, i'm begging you all, please, stop trying to see the worst in me, and try to start appreciating something good about me, so i can stop feeling so abused and persecuted and beaten down, so i can stop having to defend myself, repeat myself, explain myself, constantly, every day, digging through a jungle of assholes just to find one brave unemployed, unaddicted woman capable of accepting me for who i am rather than changing me because i'm just not good enough.

i know i'm good enough for one special woman out there who can see as clearly as i can that money is just another drug, that god is just another drug, that anything the system sells you is just another drug meant for satiation, making you dumber, not smarter, making you weaker, not stronger, making you more common and less younique. i can see it. it doesn't make me your enemy. so please. can we agree to drop the swords and let me find the love i deserve? can we please stop the warfare and start donating love to the cause? please? if you're not going to love me and accept me, is it too much to ask that you kindly step out of the way, and let someone else get my attention? please? i'm begging you all, each and every one of you. i do not deserve these constant blows to the heart. i really don't. and if you seriously cannot see that i'm just defending myself, rather than attacking you... maybe we should just have different sites, different countries, or even different planets.

is it too much to ask that i stop being persecuted for not wanting a job? for wanting a woman who doesn't need a job? for wanting a woman who just enjoys the simple life, and not being tied to an atm everyday?

that's all i want. and i don't think it's too much to ask. ask yourself, if you were me, and this is what you wanted, and instead, you had to slice your way through a thick jungle of hatred, accusations, assumptions, misconstrusions (if that's even a word), and just any form of degradation, isolation, exclusion, humiliation and abuse they can throw... how would that make you feel? if you didn't want a job, and every employed person in this world had to throw a monkey turd at you, and demand that you get a job because how dare you live a different way, how dare you not pay your taxes for a country who rejects you and turns you into a fugitive, a refugee, an animal, running for the hills, the border, or the water, just to catch a breath.

do you have any idea what it feels like to be persecuted?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be condemned?

do you have any idea what it feels like to sacrifice everything, lose everything else?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be the only one who's changing your life? escaping the norm?

please. stop making me out to be the bad guy. stop bringing out the worst in me.

if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. keep your opinions to yourselves.

please. if any woman is going to love me, it cannot be with the wounds you have given me.

stop the condemnation, stop the persecution, stop the misunderstanding.

all i'm looking for is one unemployed and unaddicted woman. should it really be this difficult?

she shouldn't be that hard to find, she probably feels just as abused and crushed as i do.

just as invisible, unwanted, hated, ashamed...

these swords aren't in my hands for a war against you. they're just trying to get you out of the way so i can find love. can you not understand that? please?

i want a woman. which means, males, please stay away from me, do not speak to me, have a little respect.

i want an unemployed woman. which means, any employed women who are too busy... please stay away.

i want an unaddicted woman. which means, any women with addictions to drugs, coffee, money... please.

i really don't think this is too much to ask of seven billion fellow humans sharing a planet together.

i'm even offering to pay someone to be a wingfriend of sorts. if you can help me find a woman like this, i will gladly paypal you a hundred bucks. the longer she sticks around, the more grateful and cooperative i'll be.

but you're never going to get a docile, positive slave out of me. i just cannot be another one of you. there are enough positive people in this world, you shouldn't have to condemn me for choosing to be different.

please. truce? white flags? i will gladly keep my anger to myself, if you can keep your condemnation to yourselves.

i have asked this before.