windows ten

well, i guess... nothing's ever going to work on this buttfucking computer anymore. windows has taken just about everything from me that i used to enjoy on a computer. the more things i try to do, the less they work. just trying to drag the mail icon from the system tray to the 'hidden' system tray, and that used to work up until a few weeks ago, now i can't drag the icon anymore, it won't bring up the hidden menu box, and i can't change the icon showing up anymore. when is this going to end.

i'm so sick of windows telling me what i can and cannot do on my own fucking computer. fuck you, microsoft, fuck you bill gates, fuck you satya nadela, however the fuck you spell it. fuck all of you, what gives you the right to tell people what they can and cannot do on their own desktops, what makes you think you own everyone's desktop. the more things i use, the more you take away. and i've noticed over so many years, if there's an option i'll start using, it's gone within a couple months.

for example. i got so sick of windows phone, so i finally switched to android, and i'm glad i did. on the android screen on my phone, where you have your home screen, and no one else knows this, but you can add other screens to your home screen, so you can scroll over, hiding icons and having a much cleaner desktop, no clutter, maybe some widgets to make it look nice. first of all, i'll dare you to find anyone else who knows that, or even uses that feature on their phones. secondly, i figured out about a month ago, that you could have up to seven pages on the home screen. more space joy! so i put my calendar on page six, and some writing links on the last page, so i could scroll over there and click the voice recorder button, or the typing button, depending on what i wanted to record and how quick (since texting is for thumbless martians). well, recently, android updated itself on my phone, and after the software update, guess what feature was removed. the one i used. so now i'm back down to five pages on the home screen, and only got to enjoy seven of them for a month or so.

so thank you, software corporations, for constantly removing features i use with your 'updates'.

from what i've always thought, is that, if a computer were built the way it should be built, then whenever you get an update, it would ADD features, not REMOVE them. they feed us all sorts of excuses, like 'security risks', or 'stupid people can't use it' (however you translate that).

it is for this reason, and it's a massive reason to me, that i cannot wait, i cannot fucking wait, to design my ozztek computer. the way a computer should be designed. so that the user has full control over their entire desktop environment, and your desktop never says 'you can't do that'. because my first question is always 'why the fuck not'. if i want my icon up on the top fucking corner, who the fuck are you to tell me i can't put it there, what the fuck is it hurting you if my icon is not where it is on your desktop, why the fuck should it hurt your brain, if my icon is any different from yours. i have yet to get a mature response to that question. they can afford to not give a fuck. and that makes me sick.

i'm poor, flat fuckin' broke, homeless... and i can still afford to give a fuck where you can't?

are you fucking serious?

i'm sorry. i'm sorry if giving a fuck about people and what they want on their desktop in higher quality with less limitations and restrictions makes me a piece of shit compared to you, or makes me your enemy in the 'business' side of things, but i refuse to be a prisoner to your choiceless life, your self restricted joy, i don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but i cannot wait to get out from under the disturbing weight of your ignorance and domination, you making choices for me because you assume i'm too dumb to make them myself, which puts you in charge of a billion dollar company, where you do nothing but dictate people's lives, and get off on it, and get away with it, and i refuse to find anything to excuse you, because that's your job.

when will i be able to design a computer the way it was meant to be made?
when can i finally have control over my own desktop?
when can i take some of those billions from you, and feed the homeless with it?
when can i invent portable electronic housing to give away to the homeless for free?
to show that a billion dollar company CAN do that, and how you refuse.
where you have all failed, i will succeed, because someone has to show you what losers you are.

the more control you have over things... the less you know about what it means to be human.

we're on this earth. we're all leaving it one way or another.

but you have to have control, which shows your paranoia in a sickening light.

how unaware are you? really? how oblivious? can i gauge it? can i measure it?

didn't the gathering have an album called 'how to measure a planet'? or something like that? i'll bet you fifty bucks right now, no one in this town knows that album exists.

this is too sad.
too hopeless.
and i can't kill myself...
because i'd be betraying my hope.

you can fight for your freedoms...
you can die for your country...
i wish i could kill myself...
i wish i could end this nightmare...
unfortunately, i've got something to live for...
being better than you.

you think yourselves better than me based on wallet size.
when wallets are no longer necessary...
i can prove you wrong on a clean slate.

and i can't wait.

dear california

out of all the mistakes i've made in my life... like pulling my two kids out of a crackroach goatscrunt black hole of evil... like taking care of my mother for the last ten years, trying to inspire her to live the rest of her life and not just die... wasting ten years of my life trying to have 'friends', whatever the fuck those are... i've made a lot of horrible mistakes that i never intended to make. mistakes that i never intentionally made, and the only thing i could blame besides myself, was the fact that i was trying to socialize, when socializing is about the dumbest thing i could ever do. i've made a lot of mistakes that have wasted years of my life, which makes nonsmokers look like pussies for bitching and whining about 'every cigarette takes five minutes off my life'... your frowns are too offensive to me, stick a fuckin' cigarette in there, jesus blasphemous christ. yeah, just because i've had to deal with other people, i've gotten fucked so many times, i don't even recognize my own ass. i can see the light at the end of its tunnel. out of all the mistakes, out of all the regrets, i have to tell you, california... and let me put this in a little tighter perspective for you... all those other mistakes were not one hundred percent my intention, but going to california? one hundred percent fuckin' oops on my part. sorry. that was like stepping into the wrong classroom. or clicking 'chat', and seeing teenagers with pokemon toys. oops, sorry, wrong room, i should not be in here. that's how i feel about you, california. spending the last year of my life in your toxic concrete hell, with all your hateful, apathetic, plastic clones with credit card addictions, your fascist insecure security guards, your fake mannequin women who refused to look at me, or admit that i exist in their perfect little world... it was like shaving my nuts with a belt sander, or a potato grinder, it was like fucking a rocket launcher, it was like spooning with the pope! do you have any idea how much i hate you, california. you're the most selfish, self worshipping state in the most greedy, self obsessed country on this planet, a country that actually abuses the word 'patriotism' like it's in style. you are sick, california. you are fucking sick in the head. where were all the metalheads? where were all the potheads? did they get sick of you, too? what the fuck is wrong with you california? you couldn't give me one nice day, for the year i was there. what a fucking waste of time. you fucking self righteous, self glorified, i'm so glad to be back in seattle where the rain makes people kill themselves, it's so much more wonderful up here, what the fuck was i thinking wasting the last year of my potential metal future trying to start a metal band in fucking california, god, i can't tell you how sick that makes me, it's like a knife in the stomach! what a fucking mistake! i lost a lot of respect for my metal heroes, the ones in california, why the fuck do you have to live there of all places? are you not aware yet that this is a round planet you're on? is california really that much of a self obsessed delusion, that you honestly don't see the rest of the world unless there's a plane involved? god, you make me sick, california. that commercial was worst of all, advertising yourselves outside of a pop song, 'come to california, see how awesome we are'. fine print: but we won't even notice you. your stage show politics, fucking even your weed sucked. hey, world, don't go to california, their weed sucks worse than the people. fuck you, california. i had a horrible time there, you have no clue how to party, your streets are filthy, lined with homeless people, and you have no idea why. clean up your fucking trash, you rich fucking bums. you wanna know why they're homeless? they're sick of you! ask any homeless person if you have the balls. if you have one bone of humanity up your ass, you will fucking do it. shove your credit cards up your vile plastic fucking twats, i hope you get sucked into the ocean real fuckin' soon, and tool? ten fucking years? yeah, obviously, with what's happened to tool, and after seeing the matrix too many times, i can clearly see what's happening there. they're stuck in a little time bubble of self loving, right before the credits roll. get some tearful smiles out, bruce willis stays behind to blow up the moon, you go out in a fictional halo of glory, it's basically just the little rush of 'life flashing before your eyes' before you die. but your fears built you a cocoon, like the herb in ayahuasca that slows down your metabolism, and the ending of your movie is lasting way too long, that's all it is. in the real world, tool released their fifth album about six years back, with the picture of a lawyer on a noose on the album cover, i remember, and that fucking album kicked ass, it was better than ænima, finally i got a followup to the most conscious album i had ever heard... back in nineteen ninety fuckin' six. yeah, see, i think that was it... ænima was released in ninety six, then matrix and fight club dominated ninety nine, i had a flashback to the sixties on new years evil ninety eight ninety nine, watching black sabbath reunited on stage, and i think through that little time jump, that somehow, los angeles got some little pulse of energy that's letting them hang on the cliff a little too long. like an acme cloud bridge before the coyote realizes he should have been falling about ten seconds earlier. weren't you only allowed fifteen minutes anyway, california? you think you're so fucking special, that you can even stretch out your own demise long enough to crank out 'the interview' along with its very own accompanying sony scandal, and now donald trump is running for president, and kanye after him, and hell, i thought it was bad enough when you were pitting the terminator against a black midget for governor, god, it's sickening how much you love yourself, do you realize how the rest of the world is seeing you? do you ever take one second to ponder that? hmm, what is the world going to really think of this movie? do we have to put more mind controlling subliminal messages in there to make them buy more coke? hmm, gee, i wonder. yeah, no, the earth is telling me that los angeles actually did go in the water back in twenty ten, and we're just seeing the deleted scenes rise up out of arizona bay, like gastronomical methane wiki leaks. seals are clapping their flappers, tourists covered in whale snot, and that eerie silence all around you, like no world exists beyond this beach. where's a teleporter when you need one? oh, what, did hollywood consume all of them? over paid, over porked, over spoiled, double parked, and smells like garlic... hmm... which joke is funnier? is it...

a: humans
b: california
or
c: republicans

pick the joke you think is funniest, piss your answer onto the presidential ballot, and you could win an appearance on jimmy kimmel's america's funniest self loving delusions! hahahahahahahahahaha! isn't that so funny! that's so funny, it could be yours now for just five ninety five, three producer blowjobs, and an eternal soul payment plan including bonus anal torture package.

put that in a fuckin' movie and smoke it.

hey, america, i just wasted the last year of my life in california...

we'll start the hug line here, the sympathy line here, and the 'i've got weed for your tears' line here.

but i went through hell to offer you all salvation from california! save yourselves from the lord!

and your god still hasn't returned my eight billion voicemails. by the way.

fuck you, california.

you're a mistake.
you're so delusional, you think you're still hovering above water.
i wish i had taken tool's advice.
i was just a fly buzzing around their turd.
you were the worst year of my life.

four blondes were headed to disneyland.
they passed the sign on the freeway that said 'disneyland left',
so they turned around and went home.

you probly even think this blog is about you.

i went to california, and all i got was this mental trauma.

fuck you, california.
your weed sucks.

...
here are a few tshirt ideas currently on sale in california's ass gift shop:

i went to california, and all i got was this black hole of evil in my head!

i'm offensively unique! i even made my own shirt! fuck you, clones!

and my favourite for the morning:

i hate my fucking life, but i love meshuggah!

oh, yeah, and can't forget...

women fear me like they fear intellect.

kiss my flabby black ass, ladies. toodles!

Unheard

Having complex ptsd really fucking sucks.

I feel like all I'm here to do is inform everyone of the smallest details of life. What time is it. When does it open. Do I fucking work here? I'm your tiny mind information slave?

I've got much bigger ideas bubbling up in this brain. But I can't get anyone to listen to those.

Just pretend I'm new here. If you see someone lining up for food, just shut the fuck up and get in line. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I am not here to spit out receipt sized doses of information for you every fucking day of my life, just to be stuck in this 'never getting paid/hating every dollar' invisible disaster of a life! Fuck off already!

All I've ever truly wanted in this life was to be left the fuck alone. It's not my fault seven billion morons got here first.

monday's misery

i've got three things i could do today.

a: panhandle with this sign:

i'm just a product you'd never buy...
you're just a product i'd never buy...
so where do we unite?

b: go to seattle indian center and get my head and body right, talk to darren.

or...

c: disappear and be left the fuck alone and not have to deal with people.

it's a choice i don't even want to make.
my head is so fucked, i'd rather just die.
i'd rather not exist today.

if people are going to suck that badly...

i'd rather die. today. monday, may ninth, twenty sixteen.

my mother died may thirtyfirst, one year after i left town. it only seems right.

i miss you, mom. you were right. they all learn the hard way.

therapy agenda

if i can just write until my brain stops. i don't know what else to do.

i made a huge mistake. i brought two idiots up here with me. i was hoping they would help me. all they can do is what everyone else does. blame me for their problems, control me, dominate me, treat me like a slave, and tell me to shut up, and expect me to just magically make my trauma and damage just disappear to please them. and they never see anything wrong with that. i'm done trying to help others.

i fucking hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much. i just want to die. i want to die. i never belonged here in the first place.

my ideas are worthless in this world. no one wants to hear the solution to this problem, because they refuse to admit there's a problem, meanwhile i have no choice but to live in it.

so what solution could i offer. would it be worth anything.

seeing as how i'm going to die anyway, someday soon, what's the point of trying to leave anything behind for this world, or even my children, life doesn't matter that much. my mother's already dead, this world does not matter, it's meaningless, it doesn't mean shit.

so why don't i just sit somewhere quiet and slit my fucking wrists.

think about it. for me to ever enjoy using a computer ever again, i have to invent my own, and to accomplish that, i deserve to have a harder time than apple or microturd. okay, so scratch that idea. you idiots can keep using windows and mac.

i wanted to be a rockstar. i wanted to write my own music. to accomplish that, i would need metalheads willing to stand behind me. out of seven billion humans, not a stinkin' fuckin' one of you would ever stand behind me. that's too painfully obvious by now. so fuck that idea.

what else. evolutionism? yeah, like that'll ever pass at this point. no, fuck these people, they aren't even human, they don't deserve my religion. they don't even understand it. and why the fuck should i help people, when none of them are willing to help me. i feel so sick.

i just want to crawl into a little hole and fuckin' die. i don't enjoy anything anymore. i can't focus on anything anymore, i can't think anymore. i've got no friends, no family, no one i can trust, no one i can confide in, no one i can rely on or depend on, and this is just too fucking sad. i see no way out of this. i just want to end this stupid life. i'm never going to be valuable to anyone. why keep trying. it's been twenty years. there's no fucking point. i feel so sick.

my neck is fucked, my knees are bleeding, i've got no one i can talk to. i don't even know what's going on in my stomach anymore. every surge of pain makes my head go black. thoughts are slaughtered. pieces of glass across the floor. blood everywhere.

i've already written the solution. they can use it however they want. i'd rather not be here to see it. cause i know they'd fuck it up. they always do.

i fucking hate you all.
i fucking hate myself.
i fucking hate this life.
i fucking hate your world.

i'm so numb, i can't think past this. fuck it. i'm out of here.

goodbye. you sacks of selfish shit.

the mother of my children was wrong. my suicide note wouldn't turn into a book. no one would read it. am i just smart enough to know that, or what. why offer these heathens anything of me. they wouldn't appreciate it. this planet is doomed either way. i should never have set foot on this earth. i fucking hate you all. your world disgusted me, disturbed me, hurt me. it's up to you to be more mature, or keep killing your guides. grow the fuck up, or kill yourselves.

as long as dollar bills exist...
as long as we put more worth and value into paper than ourselves...
the human race will never be free.
fuck if they know what freedom is...
the freedom to keep purchasing your products in safety?
the freedom to keep consuming in security?
the freedom to remain fearful of truth?
the freedom to stay in denial as long as possible?
the freedom to stay immature, childish, paranoid, and selfish?

if those are the freedoms you fought for...

i don't even feel bad for you. you couldn't have made a dumber mistake had you tried. you disgust me. good fucking riddance.

when, lord, when...
when will these volcanos swallow this evil?
will this earth ever see utopia, or is that the most embarrassing pipe dream in this galaxy?

are we not ashamed yet?
and still no one listens...

is anyone listening yet?
is anyone reading this yet?
is anyone brave enough to respond?
fuck no.

and i'm not allowed to be depressed by this?
i'm not allowed to think of a better solution?

then i refuse to help you.
you can all go fuck yourselves.
you'll never see payback.
you'll never see judgement day.
you'll never see the error of your ways.

you make me fucking sick.
i'm ashamed to call myself human.
and i no longer want to exist here.
i have no god i can pray to, to get me out of this nightmare.
it's just another cheap plastic product i can't afford.

another lie in a sea of product lies.
price tags, clones, zombies, apathy...

let these eyes see the end of it, or let these eyes end.
that's not too much to ask. you humans just think it is.
you're the worst ones. how you excuse yourselves, i'll never know.
and i never want to know.

keep thinking this earth is yours.
that was just your first step toward hell.

my wishes are meaningless.

i think my brain has finally stopped.
i just want to lay down and sleep.
but that's illegal, humans aren't allowed to nap during the day.

where the fuck do you get off?
you create nothing but rage.
i know you don't know that, nor do you care.

i could force you...
i could torture you...
i don't believe death is any way to learn one's lesson.
so what am i stuck with.
what solution would end this.
what could teach you how wrong you are.
all the potential you suffocate...
and you'll never fucking see it.
that's just too sad to be true.
this world is not true.
this world is not real.
this world does not exist.
nothing this horrible could exist.
i refuse to believe that this world exists.
this is all just a delusion in my own mind.
so how do i think my way out of it for free?
cause i know paying dollars is not the way out of this.

i'm protesting.
i'm boycotting.
i refuse to use money anymore.
rich people disgust me more and more every day.
credit cards are for selfish people.
and i'd rather die than spend another dollar.

so is that my solution. my protest. my last salvo.

my anarchist assault on this... monstrosity of lies.

i no longer use money. if you want to see my worth, in order to give me something, you can read my blog and actually respond. if not, you can kiss my ass and live in the past.

i will defeat this delusion. if my death is the only answer.
as a scientist, i can't give much weight to that, but...

does anyone else realize...
if we all chose to stop paying rent next month...
if we all chose to stop buying products next month...
if we all chose to become self sufficient...
grow our own weed, smokes, and food...
stop obiding by laws and rules...
quit your jobs...
be brave...
be a little courageous...

we could end this. no one would be excluded from the human race ever again. do we want that, or do we want humans who are less than ourselves to keep suffering? while we consume our comfort foods a little longer into a future we're saving up to enjoy. can we even be brave enough to come together and make one decision.

i have my doubts.
they conflict with my hopes.
but that doesn't mean i don't know who i am.
you all assume i'm dumber than you.
as my mother once said...
you're all gonna learn the hard way.
they all learn the hard way.

you may not realize, or be able to admit...
but you've blamed me for everything...
but you refuse to admit anything's wrong...
you're in denial that you have even done so...
which is called projection, by the way...
a mature, responsible adult would look that up...
you crawl back under your rock of security. lies. denial. delusion.

fear.
safety.

all just products down that store isle.
price tags of uniformity. conformity.
conformist consumers with credit cards.
and you're so proud of that.
why? can't you think of anything else?
you justify not having to know these things.
i can't even peer into that black hole in your minds.
but i know it's festering with insanity.
like the battery acid looking stuff on the edge of the lysergik acid diethylamide container, as the fumes rise into the air.

i can define your insanity, and you fear that.
hell, i'm synaesthetic, i can taste your insanity.

you'll never know how much i mean that.
and that's where my value resides.
the truths you deny. the lies you hide behind.
that's what i own.

there is no solution for you.
there is no excuse for you.

i can't wait to see you get sucked into the darkness.
flushed like a turd.
like a nightmare in woken eyes.
just a residue on the surface of a dream.

do i want to stick around to see that?
or would i rather... stop hurting.

sorry, i don't do tech support anymore.
helping morons is not my strong suit. nor is it my job.

but i just want to be invisible.
and i'm caught between...
do i remain invisible?
or do i get these zombies' attention?
only to have some 'inception' scenerio, as they attack me.
or a truman show scenerio, where i can't get out.

i watch too many movies... that's the funniest joke of all time.
you made too many movies.
you let out too many secrets.
you told too many stories.
you comforted us with too many of your... soggy noodles.

go ahead and blame me for it like everyone else does, but...
that was your mistake.

i have the answer.
i'm selling it.
try and stop me.

i'm boycotting cash and credit.
i'm protesting selfishness and paranoia.
and i will use any means necessary.
and i have no fears. unlike you.
come and get me.
you waited too long.

like poetry on the surface of a sun tongue...
i could show you the ways...

i'm just a product you'd never buy...
you're just a product i'd never buy...
so where do we unite?

the ugliest heart

i used to think i was worth something. i've got no one i can tell, how sick of money i am. i've got no god to pray to, to get me out of this nightmare. the fact that ladies only want money. that's all they want out of a man these days. i saw a poll on naked news. they asked women what they looked for in a man. they all said the same fucking thing. job and a shower. you fucking make me sick, ladies. you've sold your soul to the products in the windows, you make me ashamed to be a part of this insanity, this chaos. you make me feel repulsive, disgusted with myself.

and security guards. you know there's absolutely no excuse for your existence, don't you? i know exactly how in denial you are of that factoid. thinking you can tell me what to do, what not to do. you love to use the word 'can't' way too much, and that makes me fucking sick. why can't i sit here? what am i hurting? it's a sunday, and it's a mothers day, and my mom just died, i'm homeless, i've got no family, nowhere to go, but you can't afford to have a heart when i'm trying to stay out of the wind. no, sir, you should be ashamed of yourself. there's nothing natural about you. there's no excuse for you. you are scum, and someday soon, i will make you know that. you couldn't admit anything to yourself if you were human. why can't i sit here? there's no one here, what am i hurting, who am i bothering, why can't i sit here? have i not paid you enough already? so let me get this straight, rich people can sit there, but poor people can't? and you don't think there's anything wrong with that. you disgust me. how the fuck can you claim yourself a human. you're a sickening creature. profiling, discrimination, prejudice, hateful heartlessness, no justice, no compassion, no sympathy, that's the product you've sold, and it's made everyone apathetic and paranoid, so that poor people have nowhere to go, thank you for that. did anyone ever get a chance to thank you for that? well i am. thank you for that. that was really nice of you. thinking you own all the concrete, and telling homeless people they can't sit there, i'd love to hear your excuse, how you justify yourself, and i'd give anything to shove it right up your ass. one of these days, someone has to prove you wrong. but you think you're always right. fuck security guards. fuck every single one of you, you make me fucking sick.

there's no one i can tell.
there's no one i can confide in.
there's no one i can depend on.
there's no one i can trust.
there's no one i can rely on.
out of seven billion humans...
not a one of you care about shit.

i could prove it to you, but why would you listen?

stop selling me your god, i'm fed up with that product of yours, it's a lie, and you refuse to let it go.
it's an outright fucking lie, and you need to grow the fuck up and admit that.

no god i can pray to.

if you still think there's a god up there...
and you still want to convince me of that...
then answer me this one question as honestly as you can...
why hasn't your god returned my eighty billion voice mails?
am i not worthy of asking for a favour from your god?
is it because i can't afford it, or i'm just not worth it?
come on, what cheap excuse are you going to fire back at me...
thinking it's the first time you've gotten that smart in this argument...
not realizing i've been through reruns of this debate for aeons.

even your god is asking you, what the fuck is wrong with you?
or maybe that's why he finally shot himself...

but why am i left pondering my way out of your mistakes and regrets.
why am i having to do so with absolutely nothing and no help.
you can't answer any of these questions, i know you can't.
you can't afford to understand what the fuck i'm talking about.
but i'm the poor person here.

i have value, i have worth, i have iq standards...
what do you have, dollar bills?
you will never fucking understand this, will you?
i could explain it to you till the end of time.
why should you care, you can't afford to care.
you create too many enemies, and still justify yourself.

what words have i not put this into yet?
cause not one human has read my blog yet.
so i'm truly curious, what have i not said.

i will succeed.
i will take your riches and luxury from you.
someone has to.
someone has to tell you how wrong you are.
how heartless and inhuman you are.

i shouldn't be the one who's disgusted with myself.
i'm not the one i should be hating.

if everyone's going to hate you, as long as you love yourself, that's all that matters.
if you were cut down to one choice; whether to hate yourself, or hate humanity, which would you choose?

'if i can't be loved, then i'll be hated'.
'it's better to be hated for who you are, then loved for who you're not'.

enemies.
two sides of one coin.
no resolution.

i'm fed up with your world.
it's not fair, no matter how you excuse it.
i'm not enjoying this life at all.
the more cars you drive...
the more luxury you live in...
the more you ignore me...

the quicker you'll get sucked in to that black hole of hell you created.

i fucking hate myself.
but i loathe you more.

i wish i could finish this, but i just got noticed by female eyes... with cool lipstick.