therapy agenda

if i can just write until my brain stops. i don't know what else to do.

i made a huge mistake. i brought two idiots up here with me. i was hoping they would help me. all they can do is what everyone else does. blame me for their problems, control me, dominate me, treat me like a slave, and tell me to shut up, and expect me to just magically make my trauma and damage just disappear to please them. and they never see anything wrong with that. i'm done trying to help others.

i fucking hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much. i just want to die. i want to die. i never belonged here in the first place.

my ideas are worthless in this world. no one wants to hear the solution to this problem, because they refuse to admit there's a problem, meanwhile i have no choice but to live in it.

so what solution could i offer. would it be worth anything.

seeing as how i'm going to die anyway, someday soon, what's the point of trying to leave anything behind for this world, or even my children, life doesn't matter that much. my mother's already dead, this world does not matter, it's meaningless, it doesn't mean shit.

so why don't i just sit somewhere quiet and slit my fucking wrists.

think about it. for me to ever enjoy using a computer ever again, i have to invent my own, and to accomplish that, i deserve to have a harder time than apple or microturd. okay, so scratch that idea. you idiots can keep using windows and mac.

i wanted to be a rockstar. i wanted to write my own music. to accomplish that, i would need metalheads willing to stand behind me. out of seven billion humans, not a stinkin' fuckin' one of you would ever stand behind me. that's too painfully obvious by now. so fuck that idea.

what else. evolutionism? yeah, like that'll ever pass at this point. no, fuck these people, they aren't even human, they don't deserve my religion. they don't even understand it. and why the fuck should i help people, when none of them are willing to help me. i feel so sick.

i just want to crawl into a little hole and fuckin' die. i don't enjoy anything anymore. i can't focus on anything anymore, i can't think anymore. i've got no friends, no family, no one i can trust, no one i can confide in, no one i can rely on or depend on, and this is just too fucking sad. i see no way out of this. i just want to end this stupid life. i'm never going to be valuable to anyone. why keep trying. it's been twenty years. there's no fucking point. i feel so sick.

my neck is fucked, my knees are bleeding, i've got no one i can talk to. i don't even know what's going on in my stomach anymore. every surge of pain makes my head go black. thoughts are slaughtered. pieces of glass across the floor. blood everywhere.

i've already written the solution. they can use it however they want. i'd rather not be here to see it. cause i know they'd fuck it up. they always do.

i fucking hate you all.
i fucking hate myself.
i fucking hate this life.
i fucking hate your world.

i'm so numb, i can't think past this. fuck it. i'm out of here.

goodbye. you sacks of selfish shit.

the mother of my children was wrong. my suicide note wouldn't turn into a book. no one would read it. am i just smart enough to know that, or what. why offer these heathens anything of me. they wouldn't appreciate it. this planet is doomed either way. i should never have set foot on this earth. i fucking hate you all. your world disgusted me, disturbed me, hurt me. it's up to you to be more mature, or keep killing your guides. grow the fuck up, or kill yourselves.

as long as dollar bills exist...
as long as we put more worth and value into paper than ourselves...
the human race will never be free.
fuck if they know what freedom is...
the freedom to keep purchasing your products in safety?
the freedom to keep consuming in security?
the freedom to remain fearful of truth?
the freedom to stay in denial as long as possible?
the freedom to stay immature, childish, paranoid, and selfish?

if those are the freedoms you fought for...

i don't even feel bad for you. you couldn't have made a dumber mistake had you tried. you disgust me. good fucking riddance.

when, lord, when...
when will these volcanos swallow this evil?
will this earth ever see utopia, or is that the most embarrassing pipe dream in this galaxy?

are we not ashamed yet?
and still no one listens...

is anyone listening yet?
is anyone reading this yet?
is anyone brave enough to respond?
fuck no.

and i'm not allowed to be depressed by this?
i'm not allowed to think of a better solution?

then i refuse to help you.
you can all go fuck yourselves.
you'll never see payback.
you'll never see judgement day.
you'll never see the error of your ways.

you make me fucking sick.
i'm ashamed to call myself human.
and i no longer want to exist here.
i have no god i can pray to, to get me out of this nightmare.
it's just another cheap plastic product i can't afford.

another lie in a sea of product lies.
price tags, clones, zombies, apathy...

let these eyes see the end of it, or let these eyes end.
that's not too much to ask. you humans just think it is.
you're the worst ones. how you excuse yourselves, i'll never know.
and i never want to know.

keep thinking this earth is yours.
that was just your first step toward hell.

my wishes are meaningless.

i think my brain has finally stopped.
i just want to lay down and sleep.
but that's illegal, humans aren't allowed to nap during the day.

where the fuck do you get off?
you create nothing but rage.
i know you don't know that, nor do you care.

i could force you...
i could torture you...
i don't believe death is any way to learn one's lesson.
so what am i stuck with.
what solution would end this.
what could teach you how wrong you are.
all the potential you suffocate...
and you'll never fucking see it.
that's just too sad to be true.
this world is not true.
this world is not real.
this world does not exist.
nothing this horrible could exist.
i refuse to believe that this world exists.
this is all just a delusion in my own mind.
so how do i think my way out of it for free?
cause i know paying dollars is not the way out of this.

i'm protesting.
i'm boycotting.
i refuse to use money anymore.
rich people disgust me more and more every day.
credit cards are for selfish people.
and i'd rather die than spend another dollar.

so is that my solution. my protest. my last salvo.

my anarchist assault on this... monstrosity of lies.

i no longer use money. if you want to see my worth, in order to give me something, you can read my blog and actually respond. if not, you can kiss my ass and live in the past.

i will defeat this delusion. if my death is the only answer.
as a scientist, i can't give much weight to that, but...

does anyone else realize...
if we all chose to stop paying rent next month...
if we all chose to stop buying products next month...
if we all chose to become self sufficient...
grow our own weed, smokes, and food...
stop obiding by laws and rules...
quit your jobs...
be brave...
be a little courageous...

we could end this. no one would be excluded from the human race ever again. do we want that, or do we want humans who are less than ourselves to keep suffering? while we consume our comfort foods a little longer into a future we're saving up to enjoy. can we even be brave enough to come together and make one decision.

i have my doubts.
they conflict with my hopes.
but that doesn't mean i don't know who i am.
you all assume i'm dumber than you.
as my mother once said...
you're all gonna learn the hard way.
they all learn the hard way.

you may not realize, or be able to admit...
but you've blamed me for everything...
but you refuse to admit anything's wrong...
you're in denial that you have even done so...
which is called projection, by the way...
a mature, responsible adult would look that up...
you crawl back under your rock of security. lies. denial. delusion.

fear.
safety.

all just products down that store isle.
price tags of uniformity. conformity.
conformist consumers with credit cards.
and you're so proud of that.
why? can't you think of anything else?
you justify not having to know these things.
i can't even peer into that black hole in your minds.
but i know it's festering with insanity.
like the battery acid looking stuff on the edge of the lysergik acid diethylamide container, as the fumes rise into the air.

i can define your insanity, and you fear that.
hell, i'm synaesthetic, i can taste your insanity.

you'll never know how much i mean that.
and that's where my value resides.
the truths you deny. the lies you hide behind.
that's what i own.

there is no solution for you.
there is no excuse for you.

i can't wait to see you get sucked into the darkness.
flushed like a turd.
like a nightmare in woken eyes.
just a residue on the surface of a dream.

do i want to stick around to see that?
or would i rather... stop hurting.

sorry, i don't do tech support anymore.
helping morons is not my strong suit. nor is it my job.

but i just want to be invisible.
and i'm caught between...
do i remain invisible?
or do i get these zombies' attention?
only to have some 'inception' scenerio, as they attack me.
or a truman show scenerio, where i can't get out.

i watch too many movies... that's the funniest joke of all time.
you made too many movies.
you let out too many secrets.
you told too many stories.
you comforted us with too many of your... soggy noodles.

go ahead and blame me for it like everyone else does, but...
that was your mistake.

i have the answer.
i'm selling it.
try and stop me.

i'm boycotting cash and credit.
i'm protesting selfishness and paranoia.
and i will use any means necessary.
and i have no fears. unlike you.
come and get me.
you waited too long.

like poetry on the surface of a sun tongue...
i could show you the ways...

i'm just a product you'd never buy...
you're just a product i'd never buy...
so where do we unite?