hopeless

i hate my life so much. i'm so sick of being so alone. so ignored. so rejected. so alienated, isolated. i don't even have the courage to talk to females anymore. every time i've asked in the last three years, the answer has been no. i really don't understand why one of them can't just say yes. to anything.

it just proves to me, that all they want is a free ride. they want money more than you.

they're more concerned with 'what they get', than you. 'what do i get out of it'.

they're more concerned with money and products and consumption, than their fellow human.

which coats this world in such a cold plastic hatred. fake.

what do i have to do to just be touched. to have a lady spend a day with me.

what do i have to be worth, to get a lady to approach me. why the fuck don't they care.

why can't i find just one female who does care. does it have to be this cold.

i keep seeing all this 'wild feminist' bullshit, 'pussy power', and 'the future is female'.

my future isn't female. my future is lonely, hopeless, miserable. empty. and fuck your wild feminist horseshit. it's just more of an excuse for you to wear less clothing, while i have to cover my ugly ass and keep it from the cops like a fucking fugitive. in a town where public nudity is legal, by the way.

i've been wanting to take a picture... though, another thing i can't do alone. and finding anyone to help me, who isn't that offended by my ugly ass... fuck it, i can't even conceive a thought anymore without getting immediately hopeless. what the fuck is the point.

get a sharpie and write 'it's not fair that you're hot and i'm not' on my butt cheeks, take a picture of it, post it on instagram. keep doing those. bring up every point of why it's not fair that women get everything they want, and men are fucking prisoners in their own minds because of you fucking loveless, excuse driven, coward women. every excuse in the book to not touch me.

ladies, i get why you hate men. but it's not my fault you had to choose the worst douchebags on the planet to date, and then subsequently blame me for their crimes.

so if they're going to start doing their 'wild feminist' bullshit, i'm just going to start being a warhead misogynist. you cunts want to spread hatred instead of love, fine. just make sure you haven't underestimated your enemy. all i was asking for, this whole time, was love.

you couldn't be bothered. i had to be painfully alone this whole time.

and the most you can care is to look like 'it's not my problem', and walk away.

it's not fair that you get to wear skintight clothing, and i have to hide my ugliness.
it's not fair that you get to be called beautiful, paid for your lack of clothing.
it's not fair that if you're naked, it's beautiful, if i get naked, it's a crime.
it's not fair that you get everything you want, you get your way, and still bitch.
you still want more. you want 'equality', and you don't even know what that is.
and you certainly don't know what you're getting yourself into, asking for equality with something as disgusting and disturbing and sick and dark and evil as us.

i don't think it's equality you want.

i honestly think it's just that you want your own share of your own side of this pie.

that's fair. that would be completely reasonable to ask. in fact, i'm one of the few men who's appalled you haven't already had it. half of this earth should be yours.

but stop setting foot in my side, and demanding that i accommodate you. this is male territory, sweetie. there's blood here, shit over there, piss over here, cum over there... you sure you wanna be here? that's why we go to your place, isn't it? cause you're the neat freak? your place is always clean enough to brag about?

all that's on my side of this room, is pain.

and it's too much to ask for a female to help.

i would have donated myself in so many ways. to anyone. male or female.

if anyone wanted me.

i'm nothing like any of you.
i have no fears.
i have no excuses.
i have no inhibitions.
i yearn to be touched.
especially by strangers.

i like metal.
i like science.
i like comedy.

i don't like coffee.
i don't like alcohol.

there are so many things about this world i hate. so many things that are too popular.

like people who walk their dogs. how many people have to have dogs? i'm cat people.
or people who think flesh is a crime.
people who think flesh is a crime, but won't get drug addicts off their streets.
you're so quick to narc out a nudist, but leave those methheads to destroy the city.

i hope your hypocrisy chokes on itself. i really do.
i hope your cold hatred goes out of style soon.
i hope your fearful excuses have planned obsolescence.

i hope you get to feel this loneliness and rejection someday.
i hope you get to feel everything i feel.

i think about killing myself every night. every morning.
every time i look at a female.

you're so busy worrying about what you get...

that i've been counting the suicides you're responsible for.

all the broken, empty hearts. the tears. the nights.

all we're asking, is that you spread love around.
all we're asking, is that you stop fucking rich douchebags.
all we're asking, is that you find the lonely dudes.
all we're asking, is that you overlook our issues.
all we're asking, is that you heal our wounds.
all we're asking, is that you seek out guys who have been single for more than a year.

is that too much to ask?
is that too hard for you to do?
is that gonna cost you too much money?

i know you don't 'owe me anything'...

but what about the fact that my life was completely destroyed by a female.

a female who claimed no responsibility for the bombing of my life, unlike terrorists.

but not a fucking one of you can be human enough to pick up someone else's pieces.

after i left the mother of my children, with the wreckage of my life, i helped heal the love of my life, i helped heal her life, because she had just walked out of a childhood of torture and confusion. so i helped heal her life, her heart, her outlook on life. as untainted by this corrupt world as she was.

but after i lost her, i just got more pain. added on, layered over, suffocated.

yeah, those guys you dated were douchebags.

but when i look back on all the buildings... all the airplanes... all the beds, chairs, and stores we've built. and that none of that matters to you. you take it for granted. that store's just supposed to be here, don't bother thanking the person responsible for putting it here.

you women take everything for granted.
then you accuse us of the same.

we don't take shit for granted. you wanna know how i know that?

we still pay for prostitutes.

when the fuck have you paid for sex? you say no more than you offer payment.

i just don't deserve your attention, do i, ladies? i'm too much of an asshole, there are too many unknown variables, too many excuses, too many things to fear, too many reasons to not trust me, and too many reasons to walk away without even giving an effort to get to know me. because that douchebag you're with now is just so awesome. in his flipflops and shorts.

while you're taking comfort in being a dime a dozen...

i'm completely alienated trying to build something original and unique to get us out of this loveless mess you've put us in. this nightmare that couldn't possibly be your doing.

no, ladies are never to blame for anything. especially goatroach (aka: the mother of my children, aka: the gaping black whore hole i pulled my children out of, aka: the path of disaster that holds half my life).

i only got a year and a half with the love of my life, a young, brave woman who looked into my eyes with fascination. who loved my smell and my dirty hands.

she didn't need an excuse to not love me.

how many more days do i have to ache through?
how much longer do i have to be completely invisible?
how much longer must i be clothed alone?
how much longer till i find a female willing to go to a nude beach with me?
how much longer must i hurt?

ladies... i really didn't think i was asking that much.
it wasn't till you said 'women don't owe you anything' that i realized your intention.

i'm not even sure you're aware of your intention, the path you're driving toward.

but it's not love. it's just more separation, segregation, degradation, seclusion, and excuses to hate, fear, and close off. instead of taking your clothes off.

as if we needed more of that. don't you think men have already promoted that enough?

diversity is just a better synonym for 'pieces of a puzzle falling apart'.
i don't have much faith in diversity.
uncontrolled, immature, egotistical diversity is what made me.
just so you can reject me for being what i have to be.

i'm not asking for war.
i'm not asking for money.
i'm not asking for your house.
i'm not asking for your valuables.
i'm not asking for your excuses.
i'm not asking for hatred.
i'm not asking to be ignored.
i'm not asking to be rejected like it's fun.
i'm not asking for all the gold in the world.
i'm not asking for shit you can't give.

i'm just asking for a little love. a little physical contact.
someone to cuddle with at night, watch a movie with.
someone to watch my stuff when i have to leave it.
so i don't have to drag this stupid case around with me.
it's bad enough i'm dragging a corpse through the streets with me.
it's bad enough i'm a turd on toothpicks.

it's bad enough that i'm of no value or use to you.

but i don't think love is too much to ask for. nor should it ever have been.

i'm not asking for control of the world.
i'm not asking for the codes to your bank account.

i'm just asking for a little love.

question

how do you get clones to admit that they're clones?

hint: anyone who says 'you can't'... is a clone.

douchebags with money

fuckin' the bane of my existence on this wretched planet.

this pathetic plastic planet.

i can never seem to explain enough about me all at one time for people to actually understand anything about me, but i find these things also keep needing to be explained.

first of all. i'm sick of douchebag men staring at me. while your hot little side sluts can't even bare to look at me. i'll repeat that...

I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF MEN STARING AT ME!!!
LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF FREAK SHOW!!!

you're goddamn right i'm a freak.
i'm so glad i'm nothing like you.
i'll never have your douchebag haircut.
i'm so unlike you, it makes me cum.

did you hear that right?
do i need to repeat myself again?

i'm extremely proud to not be you. to be nothing like you. one of these miserable empty days, you'll have to understand that. whether i have to force it down your throat or not, you will comprehend.

only so many excuses to remain stupid.
and i'm watching the winds of evolution blow them over like dominoes.

whether your feeble mind can believe it or not, i can see the future. it doesn't take a psychic, it doesn't take a genius, it just takes a logical understanding of the chemical mixture around you, and its path of destruction and disaster behind you. i've said before, the more you understand the pathway behind you, the more it illuminates the way ahead. you morons won't understand that for another three generations, so don't strain yourselves, let your grandkids figure it out. they're already smarter than you anyway. you're just a consumer and that's all you'll ever be.

anyway.

i'm so sick of men staring at me.
why the fuck do so many men have to stare at me.

it's become apparent to me, that parents don't teach their stupid children not to stare these days... because the parents themselves were never taught not to stare. but they're adults, so their eyes are so imprisoned in this society, that you can see the fear shaking their eyes when they walk past me, trying not to look, not knowing what to think, trying to keep their eyes forward, trying to not be too awkward, when i'm the king of awkward. little do you idiots know, i'm laughing at you. it's appalling how dumb you are. i want to capture a ton of your idiocy on camera, i truly do. i want to write a book composed solely of the crap i hear you saying when you pass by me. i'm hoping people two thousand years from now can make some sort of... i don't know... montage? gonna make a montage!

so men... i know this is over your head, and you'll probly intentionally ignore it, or be a sarcastic, childish little bastard and do the exact opposite just to demonstrate how little respect you have for anything other than yourself, which, again, little do you know, we're already painfully aware of. like we need to be made any more aware of how disrespectful and stupid you are.

strange, my mom's words coming out of my mouth. obviously still needs to be said.

now, here's something else i can bet you a billion dollars you still don't understand. you're just not capable. which, you know... i could hire a scientist, a psychologist, and a fuckin' priest to prove it, but why would i need to. but let's see if you can fit this concept into your egotistical head.

i'm happy being homeless.
i'm comfortable not having a home.
i'd rather build my own than pay some douchebag for four walls.
i'm sick of your economy, your selfish monetary society.
i'm sick of your excuses of why it has to stay this way.
those excuses are only based off your fears, nothing else.
you have to realize that.

i am nowhere near as weak as you.
i am nowhere near as fragile as you.
certainly nowhere near as stupid.

you love to assume that homeless people are lazy.
you don't have the time to find out the real reasons we're homeless.
you don't care enough to ask our story.
you can't afford to take a moment to listen and care.

why the fuck would i want to be you.

a careless, apathetic, selfish fuck like you, why would i want to be that?

if you can't even fathom why we prefer being homeless...
in a society that charges twice what disability is for a room...

are you really that clueless, or is the clue just beyond your price range?

i'm happy being homeless.

i don't need four walls to make me appear as more of a man.
i don't need a job to be worthy of a woman's touch.
i don't need to comply with your society's rules.
i don't need to submit to your demands.

i certainly don't need to be anything like you. you're not that special.

see, i know that you think you're special because of what you've accomplished and how much you got paid for it, but the fact that you can't understand my perspective of that, goes to show everyone how uninformed you are.

but... i know how shocking this concept is to you...

i don't need your home.
i don't need your paycheck.
i don't need your jaguar.

i'm already a better person than you.
i don't need material shit to prove it.
i don't need the suit and tie and hundred dollar douchebag haircut.
i don't need your shiny shoes and shiny happy fake smile.

the fact that i don't need that shit to be better than you...
the fact that i'm resilient enough to live on the streets...
the fact that i've learned how to live off about ten bucks a day...

those are fucking testaments...
those are fucking totem poles of success above you...
those are the biggest, most natural reasons why i'm better than you.

i'm brave enough to lose a home and survive.
i'm brave enough to get the fuck out and travel.
i'm lazy enough to get off my ass and live life.

yeah, see? caught ya. you think i'm lazy because i'm standing on a freeway exit holding a cardboard sign. you see me there, i see not only the look in your eyes, but the words written on them, the fears, the inhibitions, the excuses, the hidden but boiling urge to ask something.

yes, of course i see you. do you think i'm fucking blind?

'all i sell is cardboard and ink'. ...a bum.

of the dichotomy...
of the volatile coexistence...
between homeless freedoms and employed slavery...
between fears and bravery, excuses and balls...
between you and i...
ask yourself...
who do you think is more blind?

the person who can't afford to see the truth?
or the person who can't afford not to see the truth?

the person who can afford every excuse in the book to not see the truth?
or the person who had the truth forced on them because of your excuses?

'america cannot see anything,
america can nazi anything'... the antichrist.

really. go ahead. give it your most honest answer.

cause i'm hearing john lennon's 'imagine' being played in starfucks right now, so i'm feeling a little extra evil today. if an 'antichrist' were to exist, don't you think he would be strong enough to oppose your christ? to destroy delusions? oh, but you don't think you were deceived. well, there's something to cry about. your god is about to die. apparently we didn't crucify him good enough the first time. this time, we'll make sure he stays dead. resurrection... what a fuckin' illusion. but you bought the book. a fictional story. that's not my fault. but i'll gladly take all the blame. i've got an arsenal i keep it in. got a joke for ya. two douchebags walk into starfucks. one makes it out alive.

this douchebag walked into starfucks a while ago, hot little side slut with him...
as soon as he comes in the door and around the corner where he can see me...

he fucking stares. won't take his eyes off me. for about thirty seconds. just staring at me with this puzzled moronic look on his face, not knowing what to think of me, but too distracted to formulate a thought, most like the children who pass by me and can't stop staring while the parents refuse to look. is there any explaining you? is there any defining your ignorance?

i pray for intelligence quotient standards.

anything below a two hundred has to go. a volcano awaits you. sorry. that's our policy.

but everything i've said in this blog post right here...
the fact that men can't stop staring at me while women refuse to look at me...
combined with the fact that i'm comfortable being homeless...
and how shocking those concepts are to you, mister paycheck...

it's all evidence that i'm actually better than you.

you're too much of a coward to leave your house and drop your wallet.

meanwhile you're calling me lazy.

i wanted to walk up to that douchebag with the faggy hundred dollar haircut, put my knife to his nose, and say...

i'm so sick of douchebag men like you staring at me like i'm some sort of freakshow, meanwhile your hot little side sluts aren't brave enough to look at me. am i that interesting to you? am i that disturbing to you? keep fucking staring at me, asshole. she'd be happier with me, and i don't need your money. i'm gonna take your lady on a date tonight, and if you make one move in my direction, i'll cut your throat out and feed it to a bum.

then, when i'd let the lady go, i'd be super cheery up until the last split second that she gets to see my eyes, and just before i turn away, get an angry, hopeless look in my eyes, turn and walk away, and start doing my ranting about how much i hate this planet. just take the latch off that nuclear reactor, and let it fly out. 'i hate this life, i hate you cowards, i want to die!'. stuff like that.

see if it triggers any reaction other than 'huh?'. which it never does. i have scientific proof.

they couldn't wonder anything if they could afford to.

fucking coward skanks and the douchebags they date.
what the fuck is wrong with you plastic fucking clones?

the fact that there's something called 'perfectpeople.com' on this sick planet, but i'm the only human puking on it... what does that tell you? no one else is sick? puking?

that's puzzling, cause i smell vomit everywhere. hmm.

at least i'm not a douchebag.
at least i'm not a fucking snob.

and i never wanted your fears.

but if those fearful eyes stare at me one more time, i'll be the last thing they see.

think i'm fuckin' around?
wanna keep fuckin' with me?

just give me one excuse...
these days, it won't take me much.

get this through your thick, rich, selfish fucking skull...

I AM NOT YOU!!!
I NEVER WILL BE!!!
I DON'T HAVE TO BE!!!
YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG WITH A WALLET!!!
YOU'RE A FUCKING CHILD!!!

that's all you'll ever be.
your mother raised you wrong.
i have every reason and right to despise you.
you're a sick, evil, stupid, pathetic fucking creature.
go buy more fears and excuses.

you evolve nothing.

STOP FUCKING STARING!!!

removed from dot com

i wish people would stop implying that this is all my fault. read my blog at least before you judge. you're not helping the situation. as far as homelessness, something drastic and radical must be done, because politicians are greedy pussies. as far as my personal story, it's been online this whole time. i'm not as stupid as i look. stop assuming i don't already know this shit. and stop trying to convert me to the way society thinks. i'm homeless for a reason, i've disconnected from your society for a reason, possibly because it sucks, it's not as great as it looks, the american dream is obviously an unhealthy delusion, and i'm the walking, living, breathing fuckin' proof, so knock it off. i just might understand a little more about this shit than you do, did you ever consider that, are you even capable? what you don't know about me could swallow this solar system. for starters, i hate small talk and talking about the past. i hate hiphop lingo, and being called bro. had some illiterate, uneducated, low tech douchebag pass by me yesterday, i tried to stuff some knowledge in his brain, and at one point said 'it's not my fault i can't find a sober homeless female, it's not my fault i can't find genuine metalheads among the clones', and he says 'no, i need to put you in check, bro, it is your fault'. yeah, thanks, asshole. take a good look at society before you judge me. i am not your fucking scapegoat, and you need to get that through your thick fucking consumer skulls. you're misled by products, it's as simple as that. if you haven't seen zeitgeist, then you don't know what you're talking about, thus you should shut the fuck up. if you haven't seen dmt: the spirit molecule, then you don't know what you're talking about, and you should shut your fucking mouth. if you haven't seen american drug war: the last white hope, then you should shut the fuck up already! your knowledge is not king! your perspective does not rule! shut the fuck up! your world is not the only world to live in on this fucking round planet! how many people have to tell you and let you kill them for it before you start to fucking listen? the fact that you don't even know what i'm talking about says it all loud and clear, but you're not listening! and why should you, it's not your responsibility to! you're free and clear because your god gave you free will! here's your get out of jail free card, now move the fuck on! i'm sorry if i have intellectual standards that you do not. i'm sorry if my knowledge isn't compatible with a selfish, fearful, excuse driven monetary society. i've told countless people on my travels, the jiddu krishnamurti quote, 'it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society'. ninety percent of you, your eyes glazed over in befuddlement. you want better statistics than that, then read a fucking book! it's not my fault you don't know this shit. i've tried to spread the message. word of mouth only works when people know you. you all have more excuses to not get to know me, than you do to make the time and muster the effort to read my fucking blog! my blog's gotten two comments so far! one from aze, who i talk to at support groups, and one from amiga debbie, who feeds homeless people under the bridge downtown every fuckin' sunday. yeah, great effort, seattle. oh, but it's all my fault, right? why, cause i can't make you click a fuckin' button? i can't make you spell evolution right? what? my mother would be saying the same fucking thing right now. always having to defend ourselves against pinhole perspectives. i'd sympathize with the watermelon, not the straw, hell, i was born five weeks late, i was obviously reluctant to join your little finger pointing party here. ever since i was a kid, standing next to my mom and her hot rod nova, and these douchebag, gruntknuckle fuckin' males would walk up, 'is that your daddy's car? is that your brother's car? is that your boyfriend's car? is that your husband's car?', she'd say 'no, it's mine, i built it', and they'd have an aneurysm. do you guys think that's cool, or what, cause i never quite got it, but you never quite got why i didn't want to be you, so i guess we're even. i'm nothing at all like you. i don't follow your orders, i don't scrub your fuckin' floors for you, i'm not that guy. you want that guy, i guarantee you, he's got shorter hair, and he's probably wearing fuckin' flipflops. he's a nametag toetag pricetag hashtag douchebag, give him a dollar, watch him dance. pull his string, he'll blow you, whatever you want. i'm not even on his side of the fuckin' room! and i'm certainly not your fucking bro! i'm an only child and my mother's dead! i'm not your fucking brother! i'm not your brodawgniggahomie! you need to get that through your thick fucking skulls and stop calling me that shit! i despise that whole 'brotherhood' mentality, i truly do! in a deep dark way! i hate my fucking family! i lost my two kids! i'm not the guy you wanna fuck with! grow the fuck up! pull up your fucking pants, stop asking me for drugs, and stop pissing on the fucking seat! i really want to do a fucking socioscientific study to find out why so many men have to keep approaching me and calling me bro, but women just don't approach me. i'm aching to know why. what is it in society's unconscious psychology that makes them this way? and all the pseudospiritual twits saying 'just ask the universe, it'll give you what you need', yeah, bullshit, still single! then dana says 'you're asking to be codependant', no, i'm asking for a female friend, and that's not too much to ask, what's so fucking great about loneliness? what's so great about living in a world where every single female on this planet is waiting for you to get a job and a house before they decide to touch you? what the fuck does that say about you, and why are you so proud of it? and then morgan says 'it's because you are a sex addict', no, to be a sex addict, you have to have had too much. i think i'm intelligent enough, and unlike you enough, that i could have a life full of sex, sex all day every day with thousands of different people including elton john, and still not be an addict. has society forgotten that there's a difference between an addictive personality, and a nonaddictive one? have you forgotten that people don't have to be you? i'm sorry i'm not so damaged that i had to develop a crutch or an imaginary friend to cope with life, but then again, i'm not damaged enough to have an excuse to live outside your rules and structure and establishment and this is the way life is advertisements and this is the way life could be advertisements. you're all assuming i'm not applying myself. you're all assuming i'm not trying hard enough. at this point, i'm honestly sick of asking women for anything at all, i'm seriously starting to feel like a pervert spider trying to coax a female fly into my morbid little fuckin' web of loneliness, and all they can do is call me a downer cause i don't smile twenty four seven like plastic clones who listen to pop music, i'm sorry i'm not you, i'm sorry you're so prolific that i'm the last of my kind, i'm sorry i'm a fuckin' unicorn in the land of one eyed people where it's legal to point but illegal to make a point! that's not my fucking fault! i can't even make a point around you people, you condemn me, you persecute me, why! why the fuck do so many men stare at me like they want to stab me? why don't you try to answer that? if you think society is so civilized, why don't you take a crack at that one? if we're not still beasts in a jungle, according to you, then why does this cracked out douchebag have that 'imma shank me some cell meat' look in his eye? why is elliot rodger dead? if you could admit anything! the concrete point under your feet. you cannot get drugs off your streets. i'll repeat that. you cannot get drugs off your streets. i'm waiting for your retort. go ahead. what brilliantly belligerent words do you have for me at this moment, sir? two lessons my mother taught me. these are going to end up in a children's book someday. number one: it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're stupid, rather than open it and prove it. number two: think about what you're going to say before you say it. i'm sorry she never taught anyone else that, but again, how the fuck is that my fucking fault? why do i have to rant about this shit? why the fuck can't you stop already! grow the fuck up and get with it! there's no excuse why you can't get yourself a cheap smartphone from walmart, create a google account since you can't even 'member your last one, get on youtube and watch zeitgeist, before assuming you're more informed than i am! i could panhandle for a phone, and you still think yourself better than me. i've already bought two cheap smartphones for two other homeless douchebags, hoping they'd use the phone to educate themselves, and come back to me ready to help push a movement forward using anything besides raisin bran. do you see anyone standing next to me? male or female? and i need to be put in check, bro? the next mutherfucker to call me bro, my mother's telling me to kick you in the nuts, sorry, dude. it's not my fault you can't grow the fuck up and pull your pants up. it's not my fault you can't get off the drugs. it's not my fault you can't panhandle for education. but i've already got mine, don't need yours, thanks. praise the lowered. hail devin. kiss my black ass. first, you can figure out the reason i'm homeless. because then your apology will mean more. then, you can figure out how to be part of the solution, and not part of the problem. and you fuckers at operation sack lunch still wanna tell me i have no standards? what a coincidence, one of my standards is how about you get to know me before judging me. you can keep being a failure in my eyes, and seeing it the other way... or we can all be a success. i once got a ten dollar bill from a taco bell that had written on the back of it, 'when there are no thrones, we can all live like kings', with a big anarchy symbol drawn over the white house. that's the world i want to live in. you can keep thinking that i have to come closer to you and we can both remain alone and alienated, or you can meet me in utopia and realize there was never any reason to bitch about anything. we were just teething. didn't someone once say that evolutionary adolescence can be painful in weird ways? did we forget that, or what?
i am sorry, society, that all you seem to want, is someone to cheer your satiated, opinionated ass up, and pay your way down the road, but i do not want the same thing you do, so you can stop assuming i do. you can stop using that reason to misunderstand what i am saying. you have to realize that your dollars are a solution to nothing. the only thing that's going to get us out of this, is knowledge. brave, bold, outside the box knowledge. i am the possessor of this knowledge because that's my job. my job is not your job, thus you don't possess this knowledge. are we getting it yet? good, now then, to get to the end of my point and completely lose you and scare you off as usual. and this is a very simple point, so please, pay attention. i think it ties everything together quite well. here it is. ready? drumroll. if you've never been homeless, how the fuck would you know what it's like? you act like you can conceive the reasons behind it, but you're just making an ass of yourself. i'm sorry. you should have left your erroneous assumptions in elementary school, and that's precisely why they should teach evolution in school... actually, that's why parents should teach their own fucking children themselves, but i can see the next twenty steps in your maturity ladder, so i won't push your envelop to painfully far yet. your perception needs the jaws of life and a bag of mushrooms. before you think you know what's going on in a homeless person's life, maybe you should stop spending money on your own satiating consumption and stuff something in your brain. how about that? can we just agree on that much for now? please? it's hard enough being told to move every couple hours, we don't need the constant reminders of what losers we are in your wonderful society, while you're simultaneously denying its very illness you're commenting on, like your regurgitative verbal offering is worth something. listen to 'imperium' by machine fucking head live, and then we can pretend to be friends.
on the other hand...
i'm worth being touched.
i am worth physical contact.
i am worth a female's eyes.
i am worth your attention.
if you'd choose to see my positive, rather than commenting on the negative, you might understand that metalheads appreciate the yin and the yang better than you, at the very least.
is it not the duty of one to recognize the worth in another, or is it more civilized to call everyone uncultured swine and walk about as if you're god?
when you phrase something to intentionally go over the neanderthal's head, it's like spelling out 'd o c t o r' in front of your child.
my talent is worth more than your bank.
i'm just waiting for you to realize it.
in fact, that was inherent in a panhandling sign i made in los angeles:
my pen vs your wallet.
if the pen is mightier than the sword,
then the brain is mightier than the wallet.
what is your knowledge worth?
if all you can do is stick a price tag in my face, you aren't worth shit to me.
is anyone getting that yet? earth to earth, come in major tom, hello?
just because you can't understand me doesn't mean you have the right to assume i don't understand you. if i call myself a collector of perspectives, that means you have to consider what that implies. does it not? you dismiss it like it's a bad froot loop. i'm sick of butting my head against the same age group, the same mentality, having to explain myself over and over again, because you just can't seem to grow the fuck up yet, it's twenty seventeen, and half the world is still one one drug or another.
here's a little... uh... piece of what i wanted to accomplish with my own religion. in case you can't scroll further down than this. i wanted to draw a very thick, bold, permanent line between psychedelic and psychotic states of mind. label, categorize, and identify the two. everything related to psychedelic is in its category, i.e. love, harmony, unity, acceptance, knowledge, maturity, you know, shit like that. hippie shit. and then, of course, everything opposite that is categorized in the psychotic category, i.e. hate, war, violence, weapons, money, drugs, religion, television, products, et fucking cetera. that's latin for 'and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and yes i fucking typed all that, i'm not lazy. i do need to trim my fingernails, though.
and leave it to a construction worker to call a writer lazy. right? isn't that the society we're so proud to live in? kill john lennon and build homes on burial grounds?
'the truth should not surprise, your homes were built on lies'... pantera.
just admit it already. i don't live in your world. the people i'm looking for have titanium balls, and their third eyes are really embarrassingly hard to hide. if that's not you, press one now, and you'll be redirected to fuckin' disneyworld. are we done?
this rant really shouldn't be here, but i'll move it later. it's eight am.

another empty morning

i fucking hate this life so much. i fucking hate this life so much.

i'm so sick of waking up.

untouched

i fucking hate this fucking life.
it will never change.

i'm so sick of men staring at me.
i'm sick of women refusing to look at me.

i'm sick of this 'every man for himself' mentality.

i'm sick of consumers, capitalists, cowards, and clones.

i'm sick of all of you.

you'll never have time for me.

i don't know why the fuck i try.
i don't know why the fuck i'm still here.

i can't even stand looking at women anymore.

the impossibility of life

DOES EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING I EVER TRY TO DO SERIOUSLY HAVE TO BE THIS FUCKING DIFFICULT!!! WHY!!! WHY, LORD, WHY!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT!!! I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!! I'M CONSTANTLY FIGHTING WITH THIS BODY, CONSTANTLY FIGHTING WITH MY CRIPPLED FUCKING FINGERS THAT JUST WON'T DO WHAT I FUCKING ASK THEM NO MATTER WHAT!!! INANIMATE OBJECTS WON'T FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME!!! ELECTRONICS WON'T DO WHAT I ASK ANYMORE!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! IT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK!!! IT JUST GETS MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO LIVE ALONE!!! I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!! I FEEL LIKE SUCH A CRIPPLE, A RETARD, A FUCKING INVALID!!! I CAN'T EVEN GET THIS FUCKING BODY TO COOPERATE OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF PAIN!!! MY NOSE WON'T STOP ITCHING AND LEAKING, MY EYES WON'T STOP GETTING HAIRS AND EYELASHES IN FRONT OF THEM, AND ITCHING, AND LEAKING, AND WATERING, AND SNOT GOOPERS!!! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT, THIS STUPID PATHETIC FUCKING LIFE!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW BADLY I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO LEAVE YOUR FUCKING SICK, SELFISH, PATHETIC FUCKING PLANET!!! I KNOW THERE ARE BETTER PLANETS OUT THERE, HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME THINK OTHERWISE!!! YOU FUCKING LOSERS!!! YOU FUCKING MORONS!!! YOU FUCKING IMBECILES!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! MY FUCKING ASS BURNS!!! MY BACK FEELS LIKE IT'S WELDED TO A FUCKING OIL DRILL!!! MY STOMACH IS IN SUCH A STATE OF DISASTER, I'M WONDERING WHEN IT'S GONNA KILL ME!!! DO YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HALF THIS SHIT!!! I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND, AND NO ONE GIVES A JOLLY RAINBOW GOATFUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE ALL THAT SHIT FOR YOU!!! KNOWING IT WOULD NEVER BE RECIPROCATED!!! AND I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKING MORON!!! IS THAT JUST HOW CONTAGIOUS YOUR IGNORANCE IS??? YOUR APATHY, YOUR COMPLACENCE, LIKE IT'S A MUTHERFUCKING PRODUCT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! I HATE THIS FUCKING WORLD OF YOURS!!! IT'S DESIGNED FOR CHILDREN, NOT MATURITY!!! IT'S DESIGNED TO EXCUSE MORONS, RATHER THAN EVOLVE ANYTHING!!! I'M BEGGING FOR AN END TO THIS FUCKING HORRID NIGHTMARE!!! I ACHE FOR DEATH!!! THE END!!! TO FALL INTO THE ARMS OF DARKNESS, AND HAVE EVERY BIT OF THIS MISERABLE DREAM ERASED FROM MY FUCKING HEAD!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN A BODY LIKE THIS??? THE FUCK YOU DO, YOU DEFINE PERFECTION LIKE IT'S YOUR BUSINESS!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH I DETEST AND DESPISE YOU!!! I LOATHE EVERY FUCKING BIT OF THIS DELUSION!!! EVERY GODDAMN MOMENT!!! EVERY EFFORT I TRY TO MAKE TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF, AND THE FACT THAT IT HAS TO BE THWARTED EVERY FUCKING TIME BY SOME MYSTERIOUS UNKNOWN EVIL FORCE BEHIND THE CRACKS IN YOUR REALITY!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! MY FINGERS WON'T EVEN LET ME TYPE THIS RIGHT!!! I USED TO BE ABLE TO TYPE SEVENTY WORDS A FUCKING MINUTE!!! NOW MY FINGERS JUST STUMBLE OVER THE KEYS LIKE THE WORDS STUMBLE OVER MY TONGUE ON THE WAY OUT!!! WHAT THE FUCK FUCKING NIGHTMARE IS THIS!!! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! THIS BODY IS DYING!!! THIS IS A HELL I NEVER FUCKING DESERVED!!! I NEVER WANTED TO SHARE THIS EARTH WITH YOU!!! I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS!!! I THOUGHT, HEY, WHILE I'M HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL HELP, AND OFFER A SOLUTION... BUT YOU DON'T WANT A SOLUTION, DO YOU??? YOU'RE TOO FUCKING IMMATURE AND STUBBORN TO WANT A SOLUTION TO SUCH A GREAT FUCKING LIFE, WHERE YOU GET TO DRIVE YOUR MERCEDES PAST THE BUMS ON THE STREET WITHOUT A FUCKING THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD!!! AND WE'RE SUPPORTING YOU??? WE'RE HOLDING YOU ABOVE US FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON AGAIN??? I WANT THIS FUCKING PLANET ERADICATED!!! DESTROYED!!! THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M A METALHEAD, AND YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO GIVE MESHUGGAH A TRY!!! THESE WEAK PEOPLE ARE WHAT I HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM FOR FRIENDS??? HOW THE FUCK WOULD A GOD EXCUSE THIS??? AND WHY THE FUCK DO YOU STILL NEED A GOD!!! YOU FUCKING WEAKLINGS!!! YOU FUCKING COWARDS!!! I CAN'T FIND ONE FEMALE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TOUCH ME WITHOUT 'I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU FIRST'. I CAN'T FIND ONE FEMALE CURIOUS ENOUGH TO STICK AROUND!!! I CAN'T BE APPROACHED BY A SINGLE MALE WHO'S NOT DRAGGING HIS PANTS ON THE FUCKING GROUND, ASKING ME FOR DRUGS, CALLING ME FUCKING BRO, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! PULL YOUR FUCKING PANTS UP!!! I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING BRO!!! IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS ENOUGH TO YOU BY THE FUCKING SKIRT I'M WEARING!!! YOU FUCKING MORON!!! KEEP SHOVING YOUR ASS IN MY FACE, I'M GONNA PROTEST BY WALKING AROUND NAKED, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO START!!! I WILL PROTEST EVERY STUPID FUCKING THING YOU DO!!! I SWEAR TO CHRIST!!! YOU'RE A HUMILIATION TO EVERYTHING GOOD ON THIS PLANET!!! YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ANYTHING DECENT!!! YOU'RE THE REASON ALIENS DON'T FUCKING LAND!!! YOU CHILDISH SACK OF SHIT!!! TRY LIVING MY LIFE FOR ONE FUCKING DAY!!! TRY BEING CAPTIVE IN THIS TURD ON TOOTHPICKS FOR JUST ONE FUCKING DAY, AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL!!! SEE IF IT DOESN'T SPARK A LITTLE MOTIVATION TO IMPROVE YOURSELF!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU AND I FUCKING HATE YOUR WORLD!!! I'VE NEVER HIT THE BACKSPACE KEY THIS FUCKING MUCH BEFORE!!! WHY CAN NOTHING GET BETTER!!! EVER!!! I GIVE UP EVERY NIGHT, EVERY MORNING, I BEG TO WAKE UP IN A BETTER WORLD, WITH NAKED PEOPLE WALKING AROUND!!! NOT ONE CREDIT CARD IN SIGHT!!! COULD I FUCKING TYPE PLEASE!!! HOW FUCKING HARD DOES IT HAVE TO BE!!! HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO BE!!! IT'S TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK TO JUST BE ABLE TO FUCKING TYPE SOMETHING!!! LET ALONE GETTING ANY FUCKING HELP WHATSOEVER FROM YOU FUCKING CRETINS!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! SURE, YOU GET THE EASY LIFE, GET YOUR STARBUCKS, NO PROBLEMS, AND GO ON WITH YOUR EMPTY, UNEDUCATED, MORON FUCKING LIFE, AND YOU JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE A FUCK!!! ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF!!! SELFISH FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!!! I'M TRYING TO MAKE THIS LIFE A LITTLE BETTER, AND I RUN INTO THIS MUCH DIFFICULTY, AND GET NO FUCKING HELP, HELP IS TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK YOU FUCKS!!! YOU WORTHLESS, INCOMPETENT, LAZY, USELESS, WHINY COWARD FUCKS!!! ALL OF YOU!!! NOT A GODDAMN ONE OF YOU CAN GIVE A FUCK!!! NOT A GODFUCKING ONE OF YOU CAN HELP!!! DON'T EVER MAKE LIFE ANY EASIER, JUST MAKE IT A CLUSTERFUCKED WEB OF CONFUSION, CHAOS, AND DEVASTATION, CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU FUCKING KNOW!!! GOD FORBID ANYONE COMES ALONE TRYING TO IMPROVE LIFE!!! DON'T GIVE THEM A FUCKING DIME, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM, THEY'RE TOO FREAKY, AND YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD!!! LOOK THE OTHER WAY!!! I'M TOO FUCKING UGLY FOR YOU!!! MY BODY HAS TOO MANY PROBLEMS!!! YOU'D BE BETTER OFF RESCUING A THREE LEGGED DOG!!! DON'T EVER RESCUE ANOTHER FUCKING HUMAN!!! THAT'S JUST TOO INHUMANE AND ILLOGICAL, RIGHT??? HEY, THERE'S A GUY IN QUICKSAND, JUST STEP OVER HIM TO GET TO YOUR STARFUCKS!!! YOU GREEDY FUCKING CUNT!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIVE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET IF YOU CAN'T EVEN THINK OF PART OF THE SOLUTION TO YOUR SELF RIGHTEOUS ASS!!! YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK!!! IT'S PROBLY WHY THIS BODY'S TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME!!! BUT I'M STILL TOO REPULSIVE TO BE TOUCHED!!! TOO REPUGNANT TO BE NOTICED!!! TOO UGLY TO BE LOOKED AT!!! TOO HIDEOUS TO BE SEEN!!! DON'T BOTHER LOOKING AT ME, THAT WOULD BE TOO NICE, TOO HUMAN!!! I KNOW THAT CREDIT CARD UP YOUR ASS JUST HAS TO BE SPENT RIGHT NOW, BUT OF COURSE IT'S NOT CONTROLLING YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW WHY??? THERE'S NO FUCKING MIND TO CONTROL!!! YOU'RE A SLAVE!!! YOU'VE GIVEN YOURSELF OVER TO THE WAY SOCIETY WORKS, YOU'D BE MUCH MORE PROUD AND MUCH MORE USEFUL IF YOU WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO THROW YOURSELF AGAINST THE GRAIN!!! BUT YOU'RE JUST A FOUR DOLLAR CREDIT CARD STARFUCKS DOUCHEBAG!!! THAT'S ALL YOU ARE!!! A PLASTIC FUCKING CARRYING CASE FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD!!! A MANNEQUIN WITH A BANK ACCOUNT!!! THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE!!! YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANYTHING BETTER!!! HOMELESS PEOPLE STILL HURT!!! BUT THE WORLD SHOULD CELEBRATE YOU, CAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING HUMAN!!! YOU'RE FAKE!!! YOU'RE FALSE!!! YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PHONY!!! I CAN PROVE IT ON A PIECE OF CARDBOARD!!! WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU SO GREAT!!! YOU LIVE ON A PLANET WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE!!! WHAT'S THERE TO BE PROUD OF??? THAT NEW MOVIE YOU MADE, OR THE BILLION DOLLARS YOU MADE OFF IT??? OH, AND BE SURE TO SUE THE SIX PEOPLE WHO GOT THAT FILM FOR FREE, ONLY TO WASTE TWO HOURS ON IT, CAUSE EVERYONE'S GOTTA PAY YOU EVERY DIME, YOU'VE CERTAINLY EARNED IT, YOU FUCKING TOXIC FART!!! SAYING YOU DESERVE EVERY DOLLAR, IS SAYING WE DON'T DESERVE SHIT!!! WE GET THE PRIVILEGE OF CELEBRATING YOUR SUPERIOR ASS!!! WE HAVE TO CARRY YOUR THRONE!!! YOU SICK FUCK!!! MEANWHILE THIS BODY'S FUCKING DYING!!! I'M IN MISERY!!! AGONY!!! SHIT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!! I LIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR FUCKING PENNY!!! THE DARKSIDE OF YOUR MOON!!! THAT'S ALL I AM!!! I'M NOT DESERVING OF AN EASIER TIME!!! IT HAS TO BE THIS FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR ME!!! MY BODY TRYING TO CONTROL INANIMATE OBJECTS IS LIKE A FLY TRYING TO DRIVE YOUR ASS HOME!!! AND YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE THE FUCKING EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! IF ONLY I COULD SHOVE YOUR HEAD INTO THIS NIGHTMARE, AND REMOVE MY OWN, THE TABLES WOULD BE TURNED, LIFE WOULD BE FAIR, AND YOU WOULD NO LONGER BE THE PROBLEM PARADING ITSELF AS THE SOLUTION TO BE CELEBRATED!!!

i really don't want to exist anymore.
i'm really sick of waking up every morning.
this heart is just a fucking pathetic burden.

fuck titles

why did i have to be so alone this whole three years.

why did i have to be in so much pain this whole time.

why did every inanimate object have to disobey me.

even my own fingers have no faith in me.

nothing will do what i want.

this reality just will not compromise to let me exist.

this morning, i see a homeless girl walk past.

i asked if she wanted to smoke a bowl.

she ignores me and keeps on walking.

i get it, lord.

i'm just not allowed to make a fuckin' friend.

i'm just too creepy, too ugly, too repugnant.

i get it.

hey, plus, i have herpes and don't shower.

yeah, well, since i don't deserve a female on this planet...

what the fuck is the point in being here?

i'd much rather be on any other planet.

it hurts so much.