another turd day

god, i am so fucking hateful it's unhealthy.

i don't even know what to write.

fucked.

fucked, fucked, fucked.

there's no way out of this stupidity. i'm just not allowed to have money. i should have just gotten a greyhound back to seattle. or some small town close to it. cheap apartment. i could be out of here right now.

to find out that before i can get my id here, i need to show them a birth certificate to prove who i am, and not even that will work for me, because i legally changed my name. i'm fucked. no matter what i do, i can't do anything. and now, as i write this, i've got the morning sun glaring in my eyes, while i sit in starbucks, trying to be invisible, cause i can't afford to buy anything even if i wanted to, which i don't. i can't stand any starfucks products, even their hot chocolate tastes like shit. so... what the fuck do i do now.

i need to get out of this area, that's for sure, i hate this area, and the people here. i had one guy tell me 'the valley', meaning north hollywood, and a little west of that, or whatever the fuck, people can't use decipherable terms anymore, it's all just incoherent babble, fast talking, low volume, unintelligibullshit. but another guy told me about the 'inland empire', meaning everything east of here gets cheaper, and a few people have 'sort of' confirmed that. and that's also where i found a cheap motel, somewhere in rosemead, i think. actually, hell, that's a good idea.

https://goo.gl/maps/ccanUaWxihz

so i think i'll go there, there's a walmart, seven elevens, libraries. all i need is muss bunny. i mean bus money. i'll make up a few good signs, panhandle by the walmart, try to pay for that motel... i'll be okay. so yeah. that's what i'll do for now at least. library opens at nine:thirty, i'll panhandle till then, see what i can get. i've got weed for now, and a pack of smokes. i'll try to get free food, and whatever money i get, i'll try to get out to rosemead. hopefully there are some potheads around there. i had a good idea for that, hang around the smoke shops, especially the more hippie lookin' ones, and find potheads. my neck really hurts. and i still wish i could mean one single strictly pothead girl that doesn't have some douchebag dragging his pants on the ground next to her.

but anyway. so that's my morning. woke up fucked, but still trying... something. i don't know. i just need some indoor time with my laptop so i can relax and clear my mind. i need to write a lot to get this shit out of my head, try to get it published in some money making way. once i get enough ideas out of my head, i think then i can focus on recording some music, but i figure at this point, i just want to do it alone. after seeing what people are like here, i don't think i'll ever get anyone to listen to me, and be dedicated enough to do what i say, i'll always have assholes telling me what they think i should do, so i just have to do it all myself. i can try to still hire an assistant to help me with things, or have a small army of slaves someday, but... i picture having my own studio set up, with the instruments set up my way and locked in their playing positions (guitars on mounts), and my own drum cage set up, ready to record, and if there's a part i can't do, i'll hire some local dude to come in and do it for however much money and some lunch. i might make a few friends that way. i thought for sure i'd meet some homeless musicians who were honestly trying to get something cool accomplished, but everyone's so lost and aimless, on the wrong drugs, there's really nothing going on, no inspiration, no anticipation, no excitement, the only thing i've been excited over in years is the marvel movies. just watched antman, love paul rudd.

but i fucking hate people. i fucking hate you people. i do not claim to be a part of the human race, i'm ashamed to be on this planet, because i wish this were a world that, if i can't be heard, let me disappear, but no, i have to come to the center of insanity first, so either way, i lose. i fucking hate you. every person that supports this delusion.

all things are too good to be true.
most of them suck so much, that's how true they are.
as regretfully true as concrete.

keep your fuckin' receipt.

i think your world sucks.
if i had a better world, would you like it?
would you let me live in it?
i know i'll never get an answer.