ending january

god, i fucking hate everything. i really don't know what's happening with my mind anymore. i haven't been able to think to myself for weeks now. trying to have a friend keep me stoned leaves no self time. priorities, responsibilities, all this human shit that normal people deal with, and it does not translate to any of them that i don't like this shit. i sat here browsing google maps for about an hour, trying to find... i don't know. i forget what to look for. every time. i feel sick, my stomach is so fucked, i can't tell if i'm hungry anymore. i just ate a tuna sandwich, but i already feel empty and sick, i can't even tell if i need to use a restroom anymore, and trying to find the time to walk to one is just fucking stupid. i cannot stand people. sitting panhandling for two hours this morning, had ten incoherent idiots walk up to me asking me for cigarettes or drugs. is it too hard to make your own sign. is it not obvious to you that i have nothing, which is why i'm sitting here with my own signs. are these people really that stupid. and i'm really still this alone. will i ever be understood by anyone. i fucking hate everything i see. everything i'd like to do, is an impossible amount of mental calculations and physical stumbles, and then finding the motivation to walk up that hill alone again. i posted something on craigslist looking for a female friend, but they've all got better things to do, than notice me. which makes me fucking sick. am i the only one who thinks it's extremely unfair that men with jobs, and men with meth, they all have women, but i can't find a single lady who's not a drug addict, who doesn't automatically want something more from me than i'm able to give. or who doesn't want me to turn into a clone. people keep saying, basically these words in any form, but 'let me dress you up like a clone, so we can call you dave'. at least that's what it translates to, to me. no one wants me to be me, i'm not allowed to be me. and no one is ever going to find me interesting, so why am i still here. america doesn't find intellect interesting, they consume stupid shit, i don't know why i'm here. i'm not enjoying any of this, but trying to tell a fellow human is pointless. can i please meet someone else who finds that as retarded as i do? my mind doesn't want to think through this concrete anymore. i've seen my pathway out, but this first step, this first set of obstacles... i don't even know why i'm doing it alone, i don't see the point. but i am at least getting some fragmented thoughts in my head that are propelling me toward the open mic again, i'm asking zach to facebook monique mcfadden to help with that. but i can't seem to think anymore, unless i can get the slightest bit of inspiration, and it really only comes to me from females. the only type of men who inspire me are metalheads like robb flynn, the rest of these douchebag guys can fuck themselves for all i care, just stop fucking eachother and still calling yourselves men. but you can't call yourselves women either, cause that's false advertising, so... why do there have to be so many clones of so many different moronic types of people in this world, and so fucking many of them! floods of oceans of clones of morons to weed through to find any big brains observing this shit from a higher level! why! there's no god over this! i've seen google earth, and i played the original sim city when i was a kid, i see more than you. when i look at the earth, and cities on google maps, i see retardation and cancer. thinking, gee, why did they put apartments next to the freeway, that was stupid. they weren't thinking. and the fact that they sell this shit, and the prices of real estate and land and shit go up and down depending on how bad some other moron already fucked it up, i can't stand these people. what fucking world did i step into here, without being able to say a fucking thing about it or god forbid change a fucking thing. why do there have to be so many copies and duplicates of the same idiots walking around? why? we can't have just a few gay guys, we have to have a fucking plethora. a ridiculous flood of them. we can't have just one justin beiber wannabe idiot that the girls drool over with the douchebag shorts, douchebag haircut, douchebag tattoos, no, there have to be billions rolling off the assembly line and flooding the shelves of toy stores everywhere for each little clone to buy and pull the fuckin' string. why am i the only one who sees this, and if i'm not, why the fuck can't one of you voiceless fucks talk to me! let yourselves be known! you've had twenty years to find me online! but you're watching scragly ragflapper on youtube instead. maybe you're watching terence mckenna videos like i did, but you're not talking to me! i don't know what more i have to do! i've tried everything, i've tried posting comments on youtube to people, i've tried writing a blog for fifteen years, i've tried talking to real life mannequins in starfucks, not one of you mindless fucks is a fucking human! i'm surrounded by plastic delusions. there can't just be a few methheads, they have to be fucking everywhere! there can't be just a few rich assholes who ignore you, there have to be billions all jumping for the top spot of the elite to own and control everything, because world domination is still on the menu of what you'd like to be in life. no, i need to explain to these morons, cause they stare at me like i'm an alien speaking in hieroglyphs, but no, it's a very simple concept. see, that's something you can 'DO' in life. something you can 'BE' in life, that's different. you can be cool, you can be lame, you can be a dork, you can be a geek, you can be a nerd, you can be a rockstar, you can be a pioneer, you can be an inventor, or you can follow the product line like everyone else. you can be unique, or you can be dave. it's a shame so fucking many of you have to pick dave the idiot, the mindless, hostile, incoherent clone. the crackhead that stumbled into the meat grinder and somehow ended up on the assembly line, no, he's a birth defect, he's a fucking disfigured reject, but 'we have to be fair and let him exist', no, he's suffocating the oxygen tube for the rest of us, there's only so fair we have to be here, does that have to be pointed out? 'no, we have to be fair', fuck fair. if you can't fit a higher thought in your brain than money, concrete, and how those two work together, i'm tired of seeing so many of you! retardation is the norm! and i can't find a brain to talk to! and you see nothing wrong with that! and you don't think this planet needs another cleansing! last time it was the jews, this time it should be morons! anyone with an iq below one fifty! up the fucking standards, so i can have someone to talk to! that's too much to ask! i have to do every fucking step along that path my mutherfucking self, without even so much as a warm, soft tit to cuddle with, let alone a smile to make mine bigger. don't go gutter on me. actually, it doesn't matter if you do, i intended all of the above. i fucking hate people. i cannot attract positive people toward me. i held carol's crystal in my hand for two weeks, begging for something better to approach me. preferably something female. i'm the most ignored man on this planet, and i'm not a drug addict, nor am i a slave, but that's all you ladies fucking seem to want! one end of the loser spectrum, or the other! here i am, stuck in the middle with fucking no one! this is nice, thank you world for being so nice and caring and enjoyable, i can see why tourists from other planets come here often! you make it so welcoming for someone to want to stay here! you have so much concrete here, but such limited places to sleep inside that concrete, and you think that's logical, and if i try to tell you otherwise, you silence me, ignore me, throw me in jail, and kill me. but i'm still here, i'm still dreaming, and i'm still preaching a better future than anything you can think of. how i get your audience's attention is confusing right now, but i assure you, i'll figure it out like i have everything else up to this point. i will cut a path through your concrete, to find the heart of this earth, and bring hope back to the surface of this lie. i fucking hate you. i hate everything of yours. i don't even want to make a list anymore, but i have to, in order to see if a lady is meeting my checklist of requirements, but invariably, they only ever get up to two or three on the list before disappearing or running away scared because other idiots have given me a bad image, and that's what i'm trying to fucking fix! it would be nice to do it with a friend who has a little faith in me! i have to fucking say this shit!!! no one else finds that retarded!!! there's no one i can tell that to!!! why the fuck am i here!!!

so thank you, humanity. i've really enjoyed your planet of horrors. it's great if you're going for the whole 'hey, my planet is the haunted house behind the uhaul galaxy' thing, but this could be a place where people come to have fun, without looking like another tourist hub with bright lights, fast food, and douchebags. i hate you. i fucking hate you. how many years from now will we actually start planning on who we'd like to have show up here? we've had all the school and launch setup capabilities we could dream of for a while, but instead, you pamper and shelter your children, telling them no instead of yes, they don't learn that way! they don't learn shit! how many of those pampered spoiled rich kids in those fucking montessori schools have actually done anything brilliant with their lives, and not just lived off your fucking dollar! or spent their whole lives walking through glitter and being applauded for 'i made that movie', 'i'm an artist, you should bow at my feet'. fuck you. you've had your time, and you've done nothing with it except wallow in fucking grey poupon! while trash is growing thumbs out your door! you couldn't have a fucking care!!! you sicken me, when is your end, when do you die, when will this earth have had enough of you shitting all over it! when will god show his fucking face and shout from the skies what a goatfuck you've been! you're waiting for judgement day, thinking you'll be the one who did nothing wrong. you'll be the one who gets in first, so you can piss down on all the rest. heaven is set up just for people like you. i just think the welcome sign was misspelled a little, that's all. that's your redemption. the afterlife. yeah, don't worry about what you fuck up today, just let a nonexistent god sort it out. i cannot chisel my way into your fucking brain!!! what do i have to say, what do i have to do, who do i have to be! is it possible to change anything in this fucking world! you wallow in stagnance and selfworship, fear of evolving, and you've clusterfucked this concrete for so long, that i can't get out of it! i could blame you for that, but i'd rather see your end, and appreciate the new possibilities that are too big for your brain! like breathing in a world of crisp new oxygen, i can't fucking wait. you can't even get a little organization behind terrorism, which tells me it's all created by you in the first place. you really have trouble keeping yourself occupied, don't you? you have to get creative in your little playskool kitchen laboratory mentality. how fucking sad. i can't wait to invent something better than you and your unchanging world of fear and products. you can't see that we're all just separated by choices. 'buy pepsi so you can have a reason to fear coke'. you invest everything in your children, breeding without a path or a choice, no design whatsoever, cause 'god will guide us'. that mentality has gotten you two thousand years worth of nowhere! and you can't see it! yeah, great, you have movies and google, is that the best you can do? facebook? wow, i'm so impressed, i'm drooling in my snores! you invest billions of dollars in movies. why? you invest no money in space exploration. why? you invest no money in education, yet you take your children to these sheltered school, and i never see their names in the movie credits, so i don't see what's going on here, i see minimal evolutionary progress, all i see is you being proud of yourself for making a movie, and that movie sucked. i guarantee you i can make something better. i can raise a better kid than you, with less money. i can make a better point than you with fewer words. i can make more progress than you with less time. that's called evolution. it's like you're driving down a freeway, and see that rocket come flying past you. bulldozer. whatever blur it was. if you had invented this shit before me, i wouldn't be bitching, would i? hell, i could make a better piece of art than you, and i already have. so why your art is getting more attention than mine... yeah, i smell plastic pride. i smell turds. i smell satan at work. you have to realize, you have to grow the fuck up and realize, there's no one to blame but you. i'm not even wasting time blaming you, that's your god's job. i'm not climbing to the top of your pyramid of delusion. i just want to see it be destroyed. gone. dust. smoke. i want to breathe the next morning. you have to realize, there is no god being responsible for you, there's no devil tempting you with idiocy, these are all your choices, and in the eyes of evolution, your choices are horrid! because you excuse it with a god who can fix it later, what, do you think god's sitting up there in heaven with a fuckin' box of bandaids?! what the fuck are you thinking! what the fuck is wrong with your underevolved brain! as a scientist, i'm curious, i need to know how retarded the missing link was, how hostile was the neanderthal, what are we as a consciously awakening species going to have to defeat in order to exist? and how will we have to defeat it? hopefully without violence. i can't wait to hear someone besides me say these words: 'we never fought them, we just outthought them'. but no, it will never happen because that thought was written by me. which tells me, i never have to worry about people copyright infringing me, no one has the balls to think of the shit i say. thanks. likeminded people, my saggy black ass. where are they? when are they? that's mostly what's guided me most my life, under this empty sky. whatever i think, the opposite happens. because i'm logical, and you're not. so if i'm sitting there begging the skies to have a lady walk up to me, hand me five bucks, and say 'today doesn't suck, it just has yet to get better'... i know it's never going to happen. see? now, all you have to figure out, is how far i've followed that path, for how long, and what little trinkets of wrong have i picked up along the way. i'm saving them for judgement day. i've already got my fuckin' ticket, and i burned the receipt. let's go here, popcorn's getting cold, and so is your god! have they done the autopsy yet, or are you still in the denial stage? did you get stuck? do you need some help, can i pull you out, here, grab my hand!

no one will ever say that to me. because i thought it. likeminded people do not exist. they're either clones, or... not me. no one's mind is like mine. i know a few who are, but trying to find them is just as retarded. otep shamaya, yeah, where does she live in secrecy? where does robb flynn hide? i don't fucking see any of them walking the same streets i have, so how do they know what i know? where are their paths? the only famous person i've recognized so far is andy dick. andy fucking dick. the most recognizable chin on this planet, andy fucking dick! he's more recognizable than jay leno and doctor phil combined. that's who i get. that's, hey, and when i was a kid, my mama told me we met ricky how the fuck do you spell shroeder in a restaurant in los angeles, but i don't even remember the spinning mirror room from disneyland anymore. but that's the people i get. plastic clone losers, duplicated humans, stamped molds of what some idiot thought we were supposed to be two thousand years ago! it's two pm, i gotta go panhandle. i need food. i'm sick of people. can one person please approach me today with a little kindness. i have no god i can ask, so i'm asking my blog. it responds even less.