confusion intrusion

well... today was friday. all i had to do was talk to my lawyer. i woke up and ate breakfast. cereal. used the safeway restroom. talked to klarity before getting on the bus. i assumed she was bothered by the fact that i tried to pressure her into smoking weed, which made me feel like some drug addict loser. or that it could have been that she's still hung up on her idiot boyfriend and scared to change anything or take a chance on someone better, which makes me feel inferior. but she said she wasn't bothered by any of that. she said the thing that bothered her most, was when she walked away, that's when i looked the most sad. i always look sad and feel disappointed when women leave. so she says 'so i guess it is just a guy thing, then'. i felt like saying, if you're going to think it's 'just a guy thing', then please don't consider me a guy. i claim no allegiance to either side of the room, and i wish someone could understand that about me. i'm not like those other douchebags you ladies date. i try to make that as obvious as possible, but you ladies are just gonna have to figure that out, get a clue.

they keep making me feel like, since i don't agree with society, then i must only be thinking of myself, and being a selfish person who doesn't pay taxes or do for others isn't wanted on this planet, and... if that's the case... in my perspective, i should be the only human allowed here! would the people who are most selfish and greedy please stop accusing me of being selfish just because i don't agree with your society! i'm sick of pointing fingers, leave me the fuck alone already! stop actively rejecting me, and fuck off already! you still think i don't get it, but it's you who's not getting it!

i'm fed up with society and their cloning policy.
i'm fed up with females and their paranoid excuses.
i'm fed up with males and their phallic steroid rage.
i seriously don't fucking belong here.

if you really think that i'm only thinking of myself, and completely detached from society, then ask yourself, who else is trying to solve homelessness?

or am i not allowed to be that person?

if you won't allow anyone to work that job, then... you just get to keep stomping on bums?

so i get on the bus. i held back saying something when i walked away from klarity. i wanted to say 'i'd rather be alone, than keep being rejected and hurt', but i realized they were basically the same thing. one just means trying less. giving up.

you ladies wonder why i'm so negative, and you see it backward, you love to see the cart before the horse, the egg before the chicken, the insanity before the logic... you see it as 'because i'm so negative, that's why ladies don't stick around'... but i've been trying to tell you, it's because ladies don't stick around, that i'm so negative. one is influencing the other, and you're seeing it backward. it's not my fault you have fears and excuses. it's not my fault you have inhibitions and restrictions. it's not my fault you all date douchebags and think that's what a man should be. it's not my fault men have listened to you, and that's why they're walking around in shorts and flipflops, walking dogs on leashes, with expensive haircuts that look like something you'd pull out of a cereal box. empty brain accessories to match the stupid clothing that cover the layers of fear...

ladies, it's not my fault you fear me.

if only you could understand, i do not possess the same fears.

this is what happens when a guy gets rejected every day for three years straight.

i'll repeat that, in case you don't feel the weight of that statement.

this is what happens when a guy gets rejected every day for three years straight.

i'm never going to be one of society's prized shiny happy people. not for you. not for anyone.

the way i see it, there's nothing to celebrate. not even myself. there's too much work to be done.

there's too much to be disappointed in.

so if it bothers you that i look disappointed when you walk away from me... i'll give you three guesses what the solution is for that. door number one, door number two, door number three.

door number one involves nudity. door number two leads right back here. and door number three has a puppy, a credit card, and car keys. hmm...

anyway. i got on the bus, got downtown three hours early. appointment wasn't till eleven, i got there around eight. so i walked up and got weed, sat for a while, watched a tool concert on my phone.

talking to my lawyer about the intellectually suffocating legal system... made me feel even more like a useless alien than i usually do. that i really have nothing to offer this world. they want what they want, and they certainly do not want me.

so... after i left, i took the bus back to capitol hill, and talked to dana for a bit. told her how i was feeling after that encounter. they never seem to have any answer or solution, even though all it would take, is rendering less space between the flesh around you, and the flesh around me, but we just can't get over the fears and excuses, and let go of ourselves enough. so i left there, went to seven eleven, got a sandwich and chocolate milk, ate it on the way to starfucks, thinking about shit that started on the bus ride back to capitol hill. and i had two distinct thoughts.

one was, i could write a song... verse one, a comparison of you and me. verse two describes the state of the world around us. verse three states all the reasons we fear change. and the choruses just say in different ways, 'we don't have to be this way, we don't have to act this way, we don't have to live out these roles, we can live a different us every day of our lives', and have every repeat of that chorus part be in a different genre of music, sang in a different style. a rapper sings one chorus, a popstar sings another, a country singer does another, a bluegrass singer, jazz, blues, until every genre of music has been played, and then, by the end of the song, say more like 'all these layers of pride we hold up, all the 'this is who i am' excuses, living the same life every day', and finally end it by saying a lot clearer, with a more human voice, less singsong, say 'because i don't even have to be me'.

but by the time i got to the starfucks and got sat down, both ideas left my head, and so did the motivation to write them.

the other idea, was pretty much this, but it made more sense, and not so fragmented and confused. it consisted partially of the explanation i have to offer too many people, about how i'm never going to be one of those constantly shiny happy people they're wanting.

i'm sick of small talk.
i'm sick of being asked how i'm doing.
i'm sick of repeating myself.
i'm sick of never being heard.
i'm sick of women saying no.

if you saw me in a magazine like playgirl...
my wrinkly little body in the centerfold...
if you looked at the back of that page, where it lists my turn ons and turn offs...
turn ons: utopia, fearlessness, psychedelics, intellect, fascination, passion, emotion, talking about the future, and a spectacular lack of excuses.

and the first turn off listed would be...

turn offs: women saying no, fears, excuses, inhibitions, boring legal talk, religion, superstitions, traditions, paranoias, and people who say 'i'm proud of my heritage', patriotism, money, greed, selfishness, coffee drinkers and dog walkers, consumers, capitalists, fascists, clones, cops, concrete, credit cards, construction workers... do i have to go on?

is anyone starting to see the world i'm picturing yet?

does anyone give a shit?

am i completely unnecessary on this planet at this time?

because if so, i have no problem coming back in a thousand years, when you get your shit together.

if you don't want my help, just say so. grow some balls, spit it out, overnight the nuclear insults...

and you can enjoy your world without me.

the second idea, was intended to very simply describe utopia. to clearly state that i would rather evolve than me chained down by your excuses...

every sentence i try to force out of my mouth anymore... i've got twenty different ways i could be phrasing it, all trying to come out at once. every word has a stack of synonyms behind it, all trying to stumble out on top of it. and i've also got twenty other unrelated things i could be saying at that moment. i've got twenty other versions of me i could be at any moment. but i look around me, and all i see is clone number one trying to act like clone number two, and clone number two trying to dress like clone number three, and clone number three trying to talk like clone number one, because clone number one is fresh off the assembly line, clone number two has the latest fashion sense, and clone number three has a drug problem, but all three of them, i can see the barcode where their soul should be, and i can't communicate that to anyone. it just doesn't convey.

so what are they thinking in their heads?

that i'm completely detached, and don't know what i'm talking about?
that their society is completely justified and incapable of being corrupt?
that i'm really not necessary here?

where would i belong more? sweden? amsterdam? norway?

i've had enough friends walk away to learn my lesson.

if you can't accept me as i am, it's you who's losing me, not the other way around.

you can debate that all you want, but you won't change my truth.

you can think that i have nothing to offer my fellow humans.
you can think that i hate everyone.
you can go on thinking you're better than me.

it will never compromise my perspective against you.

there are so many reasons i stand against you.
the fact that you can't figure out why i oppose you, is one of them.

get a clue.
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