i hate this fucking life

monday morning. woke up hateful, having to deal with this stupid body whining. i tried to smoke, but couldn't because my stupid body wouldn't leave me alone, so i tried to get a small seven eleven breakfast. chocolate milk and an apple danish. couldn't even stomach that. even my hair is being fucking retarded today. sat in the park by safeway and ate the breakfast. came up to starfucks and used their restroom, then finished my cigarette. then came back in and plugged in. they were playing billy jean. i can't even fucking type today, my stupid fingers keep missing letters. and the period. even when i was trying to handwrite in jail, my stupid brain keeps missing letters in the middle of words. my neck won't stop hurting and needing to pop, it's just getting worse, and no one gives a fuck. always expecting more lively and enthusiastic reactions from people, all i can hear is my mom saying 'you're asking too much from people, you're expecting too much', and 'you'll never have anyone to rely on or depend on'. thanks, mom. even dying doesn't make you wrong. but anyway, they were playing billy jean, which of course made me think of sean strip dancing to billy jean. which... i'm the only fucking person that remembers that anymore. all the rest of my highschool friends that were there, now they're too fuckin' stupid to care. they always were too fucking stupid. i still ask myself, constantly, why the fuck did i waste so many years with the wrong fucking people. the wrong fucking people. the most wrong fucking people on this planet, they had to be my highschool friends, why! no, mom, i'm not lowering my standards, there should be standards for how friends treat eachother. i fucking hate this life. being so goddamned alone. why is it that not one woman on this pathetic fucking planet can take the time out of their busy selfish day to get to know me. why can't anyone give a fuck. saturday night, klarity was supposed to come by, and of course, never showed up. if i had someone to bet when i felt like someone was going to show or not, i would be fucking rich. 'bet you twenty bucks they're not gonna show'. but no one's ever there in the first fucking place. but saturday night, both klarity and mike were supposed to come by, and neither ever showed. i fucking hate myself. so... breakfast, restroom, billy jean... i hate my fucking life. this constant chest pain, stomach pain, back pain, neck pain, why must i always be in this much fucking pain, and can't even get a doctor to give a fuck. god, i fucking hate this life so much. it will never get any better. no one will ever give a fuck about me. and goddamnit, fingers, stop fucking missing fucking letters! act like you've done this shit before! goddamnit! it's too much to ask! if i'm pulling a thread off my glove, it's too much to ask for the thread to eventually shorten, it'll just keep pulling! and if i'm expecting the fold of toilet paper to stay on my knee while i'm doing this, that's asking too fucking much from physics, i'm expecting too much, i'm expecting the world to accommodate me while i whine like they do, or at least that's what they all have to tell me daily as if i've forgotten it, or haven't thought of it yet. it's society's policy that i have to be just as stupid as the rest of you, but if i call you uneducated, you're insulted, and then you start throwing insults like we just reached that part of the reality show game... could anyone grow the fuck up please. what part of 'i'm trying to accomplish something' do you fail to understand. consistently. like it's fun. i don't know what to do on my computer anymore. cause there's fucking no one to do it with. i can't even listen to my music anymore. it's fucking boring without anyone to play it for, and the fact that there haven't been any good new albums for about five years now... not a fucking one of my metal bands has released a good album in five years at least. machine head, in this moment, deftones, soilwork, in flames, within temptation... why are all of you sucking so much! trump's in office, we should be having the best metal records in thirty years, the best time to write, the most inspiration and anger to be grasped and morphed into art, what the fuck are you doing? despite the fact that music has never really gone the way i wanted it to. i kept wanting more records like deep purple's machine head, or black sabbath's sabotage, i've been waiting forty fuckin' years now, and i still haven't gotten anything like that. you're all still trying to hard to get on the radio, to be played on radio stations, to get radio air play... why! need i remind you, we're metal! we don't cower to the radio, we don't praise the radio, we don't bow to the radio... am i the only human alive who thinks metalheads should never say 'yes sir'? what the fuck is going on here? and the fact that you all ignore me! this is a wonderful fucking world! it's owned by you!

goddamnit... sorry... trying to start that over. starfucks... i'm sick of being so fucking lonely, so ignored by everyone. who the fuck else can i email for help? i swear to christ, i've already emailed seven billion people.

i just wanted a fuckin' friend.

more than that, i just wanted to pursue a fuckin' dream.

but i was never allowed.

i'm not worth your time.

..............................................................

fuck it.