downloading wallpapers

they have even made just the simple activity of downloading wallpapers just the most miserable fucking activity you could imagine. you cannot enjoy downloading wallpapers anymore.

not that anyone else even fuckin does. no, i know i'm the only fuckin one who customizes anything.

november

fuckin hate my fuckin life.

skin notes for shane

i guess the best thing i can do for now is write this shit.

i use a program called 'john's background switcher' to change my wallpapers. on a dual monitor desktop, i used to use displayfusion. both suck balls. i wish there were more programs out there that worked better.

what i like about john's background switcher compared to displayfusion... it's small, lightweight, quick, and has the 'transition' effect, which is really just microsoft.

there are a lot of things i don't like about john's background switcher. nowhere near enough features...

the transition effect doesn't always work, and i want more transition effects. smoother, cooler ones.

the thing i want the most, is a much easier way, or multiple ways, to delete the current wallpaper being displayed. i'd love an option in the right click menu, no submenu, to just delete the current wallpaper, send it to the recycle bin. or, preferably, just delete it. i also want to just swipe down on the desktop to delete the current wallpaper being displayed. on my touchscreen laptop. swipe left to skip, swipe up to fave.

i'm out of thoughts for now. brain just shuts off. i want to head home for the day. hate this fuckin world so fuckin much.

to whoever will listen (and care)

this country just wants to keep us prisoner in a miserable life.

there are too many barricades between us and freedom.

my girlfriend and i, including our kitten and our rv, do not feel safe anymore, let alone wanted.

poverty has crushed and destroyed everything.

it seems like this country is so proud of its poverty, like it's something to show off to other countries.

like 'look how many destroyed lives we're standing on'.

i want no part of that anymore. this country does not deserve me.

we have tried calling two one one multiple times.
we have tried all the resources they've recommended multiple times.
i personally have been through the loop of resources here in seattle at least twice now.

i find them all to be frauds. scams.
i wish i could find a lawyer and sue them.
but i'm absolutely powerless to even get myself out of poverty.

the only things they offer are housing and employment, the last two things we want.

we'd rather pursue our talents in an rv, but that's below anyone else's standards.

the boot of poverty on our throats... we just want it off.

we want to be away from the rich, as well as religious people, rappers, addicts...

we're watching this country get dumber and more apathetic every day.

we have tried calling two one one multiple times.
all the resources here in seattle are a fraud keeping people poor and uneducated.
debilitated, impeded, crippled, miserable, desperate, and what is the purpose?

so please... i don't know how to ask for actual legitimate human help anymore.

but what i'm going to say is, don't tell me to call saint vincent de paul...
don't shove religion down my throat... don't even pray for me...
i don't want god to help me, i want humanity to help me, i want science to...

does it matter what i say. there are no answers.

this shopping mall of the human spirit is the be all end all to human existence on this planet.

but what i'm trying to ask...
i refuse to call saint vincent de paul again, just to be told 'no' or 'can't'.

how do i get a lawyer?
it really cannot be that impossible.

how do i sue the state of washington?

my rv was impounded this morning. how do i get it back?

my kitten is in my backpack right now, how do i...

i can't even formulate a question anymore.

i have endured too much trauma, abuse, torture... and other things that people always assume aren't actually real...

i don't even know what to ask.

my girlfriend and i would like out of this country as soon as possible.

what does it take to become a refugee?
what does it take to get into canada?
what does it take to do it now, and get that boot off our throats?

when will my questions stop being 'too big' for the people who claim to have answers?

all i've ever been good at doing is thinking outside the box...

i've come to realize... the 'box' that i'm thinking outside of...

is the box from the fuckin hellraiser movies. what's the point?
does it really have to be such a thing?

all i can keep thinking really, is a lyric from one of my favourite metal songs, 'the rage to overcome', the beginning...

'this world does not want me
this world does not care
and i'm a product of this world
confused, i'd say that's fair'...

it just keeps going through my head.

this nightmare hell won't get any better, it just keeps getting worse.

that was the third time in three months the police forced me to move my rv, in essence stealing money from me which could have gone toward fixing the rv.

why would an area that serves free meals to the homeless... not allow rvs?

why does it seem like it's more acceptable to be homeless than to have an rv?

why does it seem like it's more acceptable to be a drug addict or a politician than anything else?

i'm ashamed to be a human right now, and i desperately want someone to understand.

i'm asking the big questions because i want bigger answers.

i want someone to say 'i'll drive you and your family up to canada right now, i just called and got you refugee status, and they're expecing you'...

no one is human enough.

seattle has no compassion. only tyranny.

the rich people can have this city. just at least have the balls to push me out.

instead of stealing my home because it's not up to your paranoid standards.

or because your childish laws can't keep up with my compromises to poverty.

i like my life.

and... apparently, the best life to be lived right now, is in something called a 'dark political niche'.

what the fuck are you people smoking?
why must those walls be so vital?
there are more lives to live than yours, whether you think so or not.

now, if you're understanding my question better than i can...

how can you get my family out of this country as soon as possible?
do we call city council? city hall? a lawyer? who?

i know there are phone numbers to be called, so tell me anything except 'i don't know'.

i want to go above the police' heads, i want to get to someone who can actually answer me.

someone who doesn't just disregard what intellect i do have, and assuming i'm dumber than them, like everyone else... it's time for this shit to stop and for me to get a little respect considering who's throwing a tantrum in the white house right now.

is this a fair question yet?
does it make sense yet?
is it legal to ask it yet?

they took my home

i have no thoughts.

if seattle really doesn't want me here, they should have the balls to push me out, rather than stealing my home just because it's not up to their standards.

or because their stupid childish laws can't keep up with my life...

or should i say my compromises to poverty.

that boot on my throat.

i hate my fuckin life. i hate this fuckin world.

i wish i could give washington state an ultimatum:

either tow my ass to canada by the end of this month...

i wish i could get a lawyer. sue the state.

randy blythe: if it doesn't matter how unfair we think the world is...

then why don't we all just kill ourselves and save the banks some bombs?

petty pampered jackass.

i can't get anyone's attention, i can't get anyone to care.

i feel horrible for having to lock my kitten in the backpack.

it hurt so much having to walk away from harvey last night.

my home on wheels that doesn't matter to anyone else.

i feel sick. i feel like puking. i feel like killing myself. i feel like robbing someone.

there's no one i can talk to. other than katie who's still in the hospital with pneumonia.

i slept by the burien post office last night. i fucking hate everyone i see.

wondering who's gonna kill me first, the cops, the rich, or the drug addicts.

youtoob doesn't soothe me anymore, my music doesn't soothe me anymore.

nothing satisfies me. there's no such thing as good news anymore.

if only we could slaughter the scumfucks who keep giving us bad news.

if only anyone cared enough.

i keep trying to search youtoob for shit... like 'poverty lawsuit'...

all that brings up is some asshole suing some poverty group for being an antihategroup hategroup and having nothing whatsoever to do with poverty...

how helpful that is, right?

i fucking hate everyone.

there is no one i can ask for help.

for all i know, my rv was impounded this morning. i couldn't even sleep in it last night, it didn't feel like home, it felt like the nice cop was just saying 'get the fuck outta your home'. no matter how nice he said it or worded it, that's how it sounded to me. time to go. fuck yourself.

i feel sick. i feel insane. i feel crushed. almost lost the kitten today in a bush. lost half her food.

i wish i could call my mother for help out of this nightmare.

but i've called everyone i know.

i wish i could sue saint vincent de paul, and publicly call them out as frauds. i wish i could destroy all the socalled 'resources' one by mutherfuckin one, and replace them with people who actually care.

my neck, back, and stomach are... agony.

i tried calling and texting mason. i've called everyone else.

missed my therapy today. no way i could have gone.

i feel so sick. so weak. so crushed. so insane. so unwanted. discarded.

i keep asking people for help, all they ever say is 'i don't know what to do'. seriously?

how about being a human for one fuckin day and pulling another human out of the fucking quicksand, instead of regurgitating your uselessly strict rules and restrictions that only serve to keep the poor poor, the excuses that keep the poor under your boot, they are frauds, why can we not point that out and have something done about it?

why can't we, as a country, save ourselves from this turdcircus of apathy, paranoia, and blame?

is that really so impossible?

i keep wanting to call canada, ask the prime minister, can you come rescue us?

washington state can't afford to eject me, canada can't afford to adopt me...

no one can afford to do fucking anything.

so...

why the fuck are we still here?

especially if no one knows what to do about anything.

because no one cares enough. apathy reigns.

apathy owns your credit card. apathy owns your balls, your boss, your god.

and the only excuse for why you can't be a human is because of your boss and you know it.

but there's apparently nothing i can do to pull myself out of this hole.

when the overprivileged want to stomp you, they are entitled.

because that boot just needs to be on your throat. i'm sure there's a good reason.

kitten's in the backpack, i can't see katie today, can't go home...

can't use a restroom, can't eat, can't sleep, can't think, can't write...

and no one will give a fuck. no matter what.

i fucking want to die.

'this world does not want me, this world does not care'
'and i'm a product of this world, confused, i'd say that's fair'.

let's look at the facts we know.

if this world truly does not want me, doesn't deserve me, and is incapable of benefiting from anything i could offer, and thinks i have nothing to offer...

if it's this difficult to get an rv fixed, running, legal, and somewhere safe...

if i wasted all that effort and money getting the tags, getting this close...

if i'm just not allowed to have a life because it might take up someone else's space...

if my home is a crime just because it's not a duplicate of your home...

if your walls of paranoia and fear are so much better than my windows...

if your hatred of me is justified, and my hatred of you is justified, but we're not supposed to hate eachother, and no one is supposed to hate anyone, but we all hate eachother...

if we've been successfully divided and conquered by the biggest moron...

what does that say about us? about our holier than thou life?

what does that say about our audacity, our blatant disregard for life outside our own...

don't you wish someone would just get their head out their ass and care?

drop all the policies and rules and restrictions and just give a human shit...

...

but i had to leave my rv last night. it fucking hurt.

i've got a kitten in a backpack, in a cart...

and i feel like killing myself.

this world does not deserve me.

washington doesn't have the balls to tow me anywhere else, nor can they afford to.

so much useless money on this planet, no one has any, but for some stupid reason, we just can't fuckin get around to boycotting it. god, we're so mature and so awesome.

neil degrasse tyson won't help me.
andrew yang won't help us.
saint vincent de paul won't help us.
facing homelessless won't help us.
saint francis of asisi won't help us.
reach won't help us.
operation nightwatch won't help us.
operation sack lunch won't help us.
seattle area support groups won't help us.
sound mental health won't help us.
the crisis team won't help us.
two one one won't help us.
bill maher won't help us.
bill and melinda gates won't help us.
catholic charities won't help us.
cops certainly won't help us.
doctors certainly won't help for shit, they don't even know how, all they have are pills and needles.

all my heroes won't help.
all the socalled 'resources' won't help for shit.
the city itself won't help for shit.
humans and compassionate people won't help for shit.
i can't get donations no matter where i share my shit.
mason won't help us.
joe carolus won't help us.
greg martin won't help us.
ben curtis won't help us.
beverley graham won't help us.
no church will help us.
transform burien won't help us.

still thinking we haven't asked all these places? how else would we know about so many?

blaine center won't help us.

the law is not on our side.
politicians aren't on our side.
humanity is barely capable of being on our side. they're too satiated, docile, content, spoiled, pampered, paranoid.

the only thing we know is poverty. that boot on the throat.

what the fuck is the point. to any of this shit. does anyone know? does anyone care?

if there's no point to this shit, why do we keep doing it?
if there is a point to this shit... why doesn't anyone but the rich seem to know?

and what the fuck is wrong with you that you can't make a donation to save a life in your own fucking country?

i am so ashamed to be in this country, to be part of this... overcooked noodle species.

so proud in their ignorance, so dumb in their consumption, so misguided...

do you hear me?

i'm ashamed to be on the same planet with you.

whatever living creature you resemble.

does that mean nothing to you?

i'm ashamed to be the same thing that you are.

i see you living your life, getting to enjoy your happiness.

driving your stupid sports car down the street with the booming.

how must it feel, to be such a clone, such a duplicate, that you have to listen to the same thing that everyone else fucking listens to?

cause i can't fuckin stand it.

why the fuck didn't metal, and talent, and intellect get more popular in the last three decades?

why aren't psychedelic drugs legal, and why aren't psychotic drugs obliterated?

why are we so proud of being so limp?

how much more can you restrict everything?
how much worse does this nightmare of your creation have to get?

and... what if anyone could do better than this?

are you afraid to let them try?

why do i feel like i could track your fear through a dark mansion?

why do i feel like i could beat trump in a spelling bee or an iq test, or even a psychological evaluation, and why the fuck does no one give half a genuine human lemontaint fuck about that?

what the fuck is the point of all this shit?

what the fuck is the point of your corruption?
what the fuck is the point of the control?

do you think we're your antfarm? or your children's nursery?

what the fuck is the point of all the restrictions?

do you honestly think we're not even mature enough to shop without your advice?

...

i dream of a world without advertisements, bad drugs, religion, money...

but all the naysayers and disbelievers in this society can say...

skeptics... debunkers... fuckin... you could tell these imbeciles that an ice cube would melt while watching it melt, and this dumb cunts would still be unconvinced of anything defining reality.

but they can imagine their own little delusion world, can't they?

and if we do the same, we're wrong, well shit.

spoiled, tantrum throwing fuckin children... that's all they are...

and why the fuck am i witnessing this, why do i have to see this?

ask physics, ask gods, as aliens, ask anyone you want, i'll bet you a billion dollars they won't have a satisfactory answer.

i'll bet you a billion dollars you won't help me.

i could bet anyone a billion dollars for anything, no one is there to hear it.
let alone brave enough to take the fuckin bet.

i feel like i've been saying nothing but this for ten years now.

and it's gotten me nowhere.

kitten's clawing in the backpack. it's so cold outside.

i really should have brought a beanie and an extra sweater.

this is as public as i can afford to get right now, but...

as public as this isn't... as unseen as this will remain...

saint vincent de paul?

i'm calling you out. right here, right now, you're frauds. you belong in jail.

either help me, or kill yourselves.

leave this world to those who need to heal.

no one knows what's right anymore, and everything is wrong, so...

why the fuck do we still make play that there's a right and wrong?

does anyone truly care that much, or do we just say that on primetime?

for the extra paycheck.

oh, and continuing the list still...

bill engvall won't help us.
bill burr won't help us.
robb flynn won't help us.
otep shamaya won't help us.
fight poverty won't helps us. (if that's even a thing).

they all just feed us excuses, the word 'no', the word 'can't'...

i feel like all this life is, all this exercise in poverty and agony...

is a sesame street show. to teach us about corruption.

and every show is brought to you by the words 'no' and 'can't'.

find every word you can, throw dictionaries and thesauruses around.

it'll make no fuckin difference in the war against those two words.

i want to sue saint vincent de paul. i want them out of business.

yeah, you're really doing a lot of good you know...

the drug addicts are off the streets, crime is down, trump is jailed, abundance is up...

praise the lowered.

who the fuck else can i email or call and ask for help?

who can i sue?

...

i fucking want to die.
i hate your world.
i know i could do better.
your boots suck.
your restrictions are childish.

and your world hates poor people. so why not just own it?

why be such a coward that this shit has to keep going?

i'm ashamed to be on this planet.
i know there are better planets out there, better species.

when are the rich going to die?
when will anyone ask that with me?
when the fuck will you lose all addictions and excuses?
when the fuck will you grow the fuck up?

but no, i'm still being called 'bro' and 'nigga' and being asked for smokes constantly.

as if my appearance is so inviting to complete imbeciles, all of whom are male.

god, this world desperately needs a fuckin clue.

how soon can we get ourselves to the canadian woods?
how soon can we stop relying on free meals? library wifi?

and give me a billion dollars.
if what i do with it isn't as good as what you did with it...
eat me.

but if what i do with it is better than what you did with it...

...

i fuckin win, don't i.

what's the matter, coward. afraid to lose?

i declare you all scams, until you can prove me wrong.

seattle has no compassion. just tyranny.

don't just bitch, whine, complain, and argue. like a child.

prove me fucking wrong.

or you can fuck yourself the fuck outta my fuckin way.

have a nice day.

fucking devastated

katie is in the hospital with walking pneumonia, asthma, allergies to all but two antibiotics, and i won't get to talk to her for at least a month.

how brutal can this fucking nightmare get.

dear andrew yang

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

hate my fuckin life

I HATE THIS FUCKING PLANET!!!

so fuckin depressed

why the fuck does everyone have to make this world so fucking depressing.

i don't even know what the fuck to do right now.

no one gives a fuck.

i wrote a couple new poems today.

no one gives a fuck.

i posted a new video today, and several yesterday.

no one gives a fuck.

i'm a hundred bucks in the hole.

no one gives a fuck.

my the job god chose for me in life, is to argue incessantly with morons.

not only do i not get paid for that...

i don't get shit.

no one gives a fuck.

obviously, you're all entitled to a better life than i am.

i just want a world without all of you.

i want a world without advertisements being forced in my face.

i want microsoft to stop sucking, i want them off my fucking desktop.

stop being digital tyrants. just stop. what good is it doing?

why can't anything be any easier?

why does 'safety and security' and 'privacy' have to suffocate life?

especially when we're not fucking safe in the least.

i don't trust you. and i know i could do better.

stay the fuck outta my life.

i wasn't born into this pathetic world just for you to shit on.

please, for the love of truth, please, kill yourself.

you wouldn't know a truth if it crushed you into the ground.

can you even understand why i hate you? are you capable?

lord, free me from this nightmare hell of yours.

why do i deserve this? why is this the best i can get? is this all i deserve? why?

twenty minutes till lunch.

no one gives a fuck.

when's the last day you got to enjoy?

i just want to be rid of all of you and your crap delusion.

does anyone give a fuck?

a world of fraud and theft

not sure where to write anymore. farcebook sucks, youtoob sucks.

how come banks and rich people have billions of ways to inconvenience poor people at every turn, how come the rich have an arsenal of inconveniences, how come they can fuck up and delay our lives any time they want when it's not even their money, like just the cost of them holding onto our money for us costs us time and other shit we couldn't afford if we were rich. how come that's still possible, how come that's still happening, and how come no one has a fucking satisfactory explanation for it?

how come it's been this fucking long since we've had control over anything including ourselves?

how come people suck so bad?

how come people purposely misunderstand me like it's their job?

how come this shit can't fucking stop yet?

how come i can't customize my own phone or computer desktop yet? why the fuck does microsoft have to keep making everything more difficult, making their operating system work worse and worse, taking options away like it's a game...

microsoft, your operating system is just getting fucking pathetic. what the fuck is wrong with you?

why can't you design something we can actually use? are you incapable? do you give a shit?

what the fuck is wrong with you, microsoft?

what the fuck is wrong with you, banks?

why do both of you suck so bad? and why do i feel like i could do both your jobs a thousand times better than you ever have? without all the greed and judgment and shit...

when does this shit end?

who do i tell that i would like the ability to customize the look and functionality of my desktop because it's mine and not theirs? no one seems to have a mature enough answer.

i asked on farcebook the other day, how do i start my own country?

they had to answer the dumbest possible ways... 'money and war'.

that must be some box to think outside of. luxury mindlessness.

i hate this fuckin world. and it will never change or improve.

ashamed to share a planet with a bunch of losers. and god, i want to design my own fucking desktop already! when the fuck do i get to design my own fucking desktop without all your 'can'ts' and 'won'ts'? seriously? am i allowed? is it okay with you? is it really going to bother you or hurt you that fucking much to let me have a cool looking and functional desktop?

get the fuck out of my life, tyrants! let me be poor without you!

trump this, mutherfucker

just got a junk mail from donald j trump, saying 'will you tell me the truth? i need the input of an american patriot'...

uh...

heh...

i ain't no fuckin american. i ain't no fuckin patriot. i think those people are toxic idiots and i want nothing to do with a mentality that small, this is a round mutherfucking planet, and until everyone is fuckin onboard with that, y'all can fuck yourselves, i give a fuck what you want, i have my own fucking country.

it's in my heart.
my eyes are the only front door i'll ever need.
i am my own home.

and i think you're pathetic for needing more.

doing better finally

finally got a girlfriend. we're not broke. getting a kitten soon.

five years of loneliness over.

lifeless

i hate my fuckin life. i hate my fuckin life.

i hate this fuckin life, i hate this fuckin world.

i want to leave this fucking world.

farcebook comment

Marc Laura Walters-Auge i really really really really really really really really wish religious people would just leave me the fuck alone, keep their fucking mouths shut, get far the fuck away from me, maybe just start their own country or something, build a wall, i don't know, but i am fucking beyond vomitsick of hearing about god and jesus and shit, why can't i come up with some censorship law or something, some sort of 'freedom of religion' thing that they're forced to observe and respect, and keep their fucking imaginary friend delusions to themselves, how many more times in my life do i have to be forced to hear about this shit, they all assume i haven't heard it yet, and i don't know how their minds could possibly function that way, how could i have made it through forty fucking years without hearing the only thing these idiots talk about, i seriously cannot fathom the ignorance, but goddamnit, when the fuck are they going to shut the fuck up about god already and start talking about anything different? every day of my miserable life has been suffocated, traumatized, violated, assaulted, harassed, abused by their constant relentless preaching and forced conversion... do i need to get a lawyer or what? could someone tell me how to make this shit stop? please?! i'd really love to know! how do you get these fucking leech preachers to fucking stop this shit!!! when the fuck will they give the fuck up and realize that their god is only for them, and doesn't have to be forced on everyone else!!! fuck, you make me so suicidal everytime i hear this shit, i'd so much rather just find another planet the hard way, you make it disturbing to share this earth with the likes of you. will you ever stop? could you ever stop? could you please fucking stop? do i have to keep repeating that? fucking stop!!! and i'm not the only scientific person telling you this, all scientists are sick and fucking tired of hearing about your pathetic fucking god!!! let it go!!! stop forcing it on all of us!!! do you fucking understand that yet? can any of you fucking understand that yet? could you maybe pass on this message in your churches so that someday this shit might fucking stop!!! you are suffocating life and love with that shit!!! fucking stop!!! i do not want your fucking jesus, your god, or your religion, or your fears, or anything else from you!!! keep that shit to your fucking selves please!!! thank you!!! public service announcement over. goddamnit. praise the lowered.

google drive

so... that's fuckin great... can't remove google drive from my laptop now, and it's gonna open a window everytime i start windows now... it went from frustrating to more frustrating while i was just trying to fucking uninstall it. and no one ever sees this shit! no one will ever be here to witness this shit!!! roadblocks, barricades, detours, dead ends, sinkholes...

was life this frustrating when we were in caves?

and why can't my fucking fingers fucking type anymore!!! what the fuck!

and women... what a constant fucking problem with absolutely no solution.

tried to get google drive to reinstall, too... it wouldn't do that either.

so it's just eternally stuck on my laptop as a piece of useless and dysfunctional software whether i want it there or not, and it's apparently a windows related issue. exceptional, right?

and forget about contacting windows, it's easier to find a free prostitute these days.

doesn't windows still charge like five hundred bucks just for calling them?

oh, it gets even better. apparently they also just disabled right click on google image search, so that's fuckin useless now too... thanks. wish they'd stop taking my options away and calling it innovation.

so... fuck it... what is there left to do on my laptop now? is there anything?

everything is so fucking frustrating. i should just kill myself. if only libraries had flyswatters, huh?

oh, and i thought of a new word today...

hugly.

yeah, it's time for me to fuckin die. hate this fuckin planet and it's never gonna change.

everything sucks and why the fuck am i smelling dog food in a library!

my stomach still won't shut up, i'm out of smokage and food. no one i can ever ask for shit.

ostracized

i need to write something right now. but i don't even know what the fuck to write. i've felt so rejected for so long. unwanted. wondering when i'll be allowed to live my life my way. if ever.

and i know the heartless idiots always have this wonderful little vurp to spit out...

they tell you shit like 'you're allowed to live how you want, no one's stopping you'.

which basically means they're completely neglecting to acknowledge all the corruption, tyranny, and greed that suffocate our planet. they love to just ignorantly gloss over that one. they love to act like there are no assholes on this planet.

it's the same people that tell you that anything bad that happens in your life is your fault alone, and never anyone else's, and i always ask these people, then why do we have cops?

if there are no criminals or violations on this planet, why do we have lawyers and judges?

i mean, seriously, if we don't need lawyers and cops... fuckin get rid of them. you'll see my smile get bigger, that's for damn sure. you can put money on that.

it should have been my lifelong career, putting these oblivious douchetwats in their place. how they could be so ignorant of oppression, as to basically blame the oppressed for being oppressed, and telling them it's just their delusion, they're not actually being oppressed. for people who can pass that off, i can't even feel sorry for them. i wouldn't waste my mutated emotions on something that pointless and empty. and i don't wonder if they're aware of that or not.

because i know why my life has sucked. it may come as a debatable surprise to you, but...

i got bitched at by a stripper around one am this morning for parking in 'her' spot. she had to scream over me, not letting me explain or even apologize, telling me her daughter has anxiety because the other campers who park there steal from their house...

i never like to make it seem like my scars are any worse than anyone else's.

that's never what anyone else ever assumes, in fact quite the opposite. everyone loves to assume i'm stupider than them.

but when your scars are actually worse than the person bitching at you, and acting 'holier than thou' over you, it's hard to hold the comparisons back just for vengeance, especially with the bomb of complex ptsd bouncing around in your head.

i felt like screaming back, i'm forty years old, i have complex ptsd and severe depression from years of abuse, and my two children were fucking stolen from me, i'm sure you wouldn't give a fuck about that cause all you care about is your fuckin self, your selfish life, and whatever you have that i don't have...

but i didn't. i held that in. she'll never hear that. she'll never know or care. and neither of us will ever apologize to eachother. she didn't have to start off attacking me, she might have gotten a better reaction out of me, she's lucky she didn't get a worse reaction, she triggered me, and i could have gone off had i not learned by now how to suppress that shit.

how can i see... that every interaction has the potential to be so much more... human... and why can't i do anything about it?

for me to make this world, or even individual lives any better, i'd have to have control over all lives...

which leads me to think... the ultra wealthy who own this planet and everything on it including you...

they have all those resources, all those trillions of dollars, and...

this is the best they could do? seriously? dominating the poor was their best idea?

it is not fun -

sharing a planet with them.

if i had their trillions and resources and shit... man... how could i describe it...

why do i so desperately dream of having my own country where money and gods are not allowed?

and why does that pipe dream seem so pointless and unachievable?

and why... if i know where my misery comes from, why can i not blame the source?

if i did, i see a world being held accountable for the irresponsible acts... being more mature...

i can't help but see potential everywhere, because to me, everything sucks.

this fucking stomach is bitching and whining like a child and driving me fucking insane. i might have to pack up and use the restroom again. waiting for the weed store to open at eight, then i have therapy at eleven.

i fucking hate my life. i hate this world so much.

the thing is, everyone just thinks they're so much better than me, they're always right, i'm always wrong... and i'm sick of that.

i'm sick of everyone always assuming i'm just like everyone else.

i'm sick of males coming up to me, talking to me. i should really do what the deicide dude did, he branded an inverted cross in his forehead, trying to make it obvious enough, keep your god cock the fuck outta my fuckin throat... i need to brand 'anti male' into my forehead obviously.

so i wrote on my van this morning, after some other douchebag came up to my van thinking i'm their fuckin friend... i wrote 'i no longer speak to males', and 'males stay the fuck away from me'.

i hurt so fuckin much, in so much intense physical pain, and i don't think my stomach's gonna wait much longer, so i... i think i have to wrap this up for now, but...

this shit's been on my mind heavily for a long time now.

but... i got a comment on deviantart this morning that really melted into my heart. she'll probably never read this, as i still keep all my sites separate from eachother, but... thank you, paige.

anyway... have to baby this stupid stomach now. fuckin whiny little twat. i hate this body so much, it is not mine, it is merely a fuckin defective vessel. and i cannot wait to leave it.

and i will always seriously consider never coming back here.

what's it like, to wonder, for most of your life, what other planet you belong on more, or how far in the future should you have been born for anything to seem better.

this planet is still in its infancy.
the universe is expanding.
that tells me, we're barely going from our diapers to our training wheels.

i really shouldn't have shown up till we were at least driving, if not flying.

and all that 'run before you can walk' bullshit... all i can say to those losers... wait till they see their speedometer and realize how detached from reality they are. buffoons.

i fuckin hate everyone, and i'm fuckin proud of that. i don't need friends, i need an army. friends are fucking useless and overrated. and until they realize that... my smell keeps them away.

no one else can tell me what i am. i say what i am. i defy them.

i am a narcissist. i am an asshole. i am a sexist. if you have a problem with that, you should not be anywhere near me, or you're going to feel really fucking stupid, and anything you say will be fucking pointless and used against you.

i am an godhating antitheist. i am a moneyhating anarchist and fuckin proud of it, and that ain't never fuckin changing, not for you or anyone else. the more you try to convert me or convince me, the more hatred i can grow at will. and it is my choice whether you think so or not.

i am a nudist, which means i fucking hate clothing, and your fears hanging off of them.

and lastly, but most certainly not least, even to you... and you better pay the fuck attention and understand this one, because this separates me from you more than anything else. this defines me as a completely different breed of human.

I AM A MUTHERFUCKIN HARDCORE, HIGH OCTANE, HIGH CALIBRE, VISCERAL CEREBRAL MUTHERFUCKIN METALHEAD!!! I'M SO HARDCORE, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR METAL!!! SO STAY THE FUCK OUTTA MY MUSIC COLLECTION!!! YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC SUCKS GOATTWAINT AND I CAN PROVE IT ON A GIRL'S NAKED ASS!!!

mutherfucker.

we have nothing in common. we are nothing alike. we do not see eye to 3ye.

and i don't see why we should agree on anything. it's up to me to walk my own path, not you.

i know myself, and that's more than you can say for yourself. clone.

bitches

my heart hurts so much that i can't even write anymore. i can't look at people anymore.

this world is full of fake fucking people. they're all fake. every fucking one of them.

they're all addicted to drugs, money, or gods, and nothing resembling truth. or love.

it's wrong to ask for love. at least they make it seem that way.

every woman i try to talk to...

they can't wait to start off blaming me, like i'm the big problem, i'll never be good enough.

truth is, this world doesn't deserve something as cool as me, they can't even help me do anything.

women are not worth the pursuit anymore. they're not worth shit.

from now on, you bitches want anything from me, you fuckin pay up front.

fuckin snobs.

you take all the fun out of life. i hope you burn in hell for it.

fuckin put out. fuck someone. heal some fuckin hearts. before being selfish twats.

misery

i have a cold. i keep sneezing. the last sneeze made me bite my tongue again. i so fucking hate normal people. i hate everyone. i hate couples. i hate happy people. i hate tattoos. i hate piercings. i fucking detest males. i fucking hate males so much i can't even find the words. but i'm not happy with women either. they refuse to acknowledge me. they're all cowards.

i really do not belong anywhere on this planet. everything is too wrong for me.

males still won't stop staring at me even though i wrote STOP STARING on the back of my laptop.

i fucking want to die. i'd give my life to have this nightmare end and be over with.

i hate males dragging their pants on the ground. i hate that everyone is having a better time than i am. and they can't even relate to mine. a sneeze every two minutes, blowing my nose every other two minutes, my eyes are flooded with tears and snot, my head feels like a boston cream donut.

i can't even write anymore. nothing i want to say. no one i want to say it to.

i just...

i know how this sounds, but... i can't stop picturing myself turning into a suicidal rapist.

i don't want that to happen, but i'm losing the ability to care. because no one can care about me.

it's the nightmare between the nightmare of no women looking at me, and the nightmare of all males staring at me... it's the confusion betwixt all that. the tension in my shoulders.

and... to top it off... the whole 'no end in sight' thing... tunnel with no light...

payday

i feel like shit. i feel so sick. stomach is insane, gastroparesis is like a war in my chest. getting my van running today, hopefully, paid up my hot chocolate tab. still have to pay my friend, seventy five for a battery, twenty for an alternator, more for labor. stomach hurts so much and just won't stop. got a call from sarah at facing homelessness yesterday. they are really intent on never helping anyone, and just being a front, a facade... everything is a lie. it's hard to even breathe anymore. this heart won't stop shaking. males won't stop staring at me, women still won't look at me. the way cops stare at me, it's like they're expecting me to break any random law right in front of them. like i'm such a threat.

i really don't think i have the will to keep living anymore. not if i have to live alone. everyone has to make it seem like finding a woman like me is so unimaginably impossible... they seriously think having a job is the only way to live, and they condemn anyone who doesn't agree. i'm sick of all males having to stare at me. i feel like such a moron, sound like such a moron. just a loser piece of shit. i can't even think. i try so hard. people just can't stop expecting me to be like every other human, and the more i tell them about me... the less they understand. people just can't stop shoving that 'security' and 'capitalism' and 'you need to love yourself' propaganda bullshit down my fucking throat. they all say the same bullshit, and even when i tell them that... it does no good. these people are simply incapable of understanding why i don't want a fucking job. how fucking hard can it be?

there's just no fuckin way anyone's ever gonna give a fuck about me. without me paying them for it. i feel so small and insignificant. don't know why the fuck i'm even talking. no one gives a fuck. no one has read so much as a single post on this blog in at least five years. what's the fuckin point.

i don't know what to say or who to talk to anymore. everything i say is wrong. or 'inappropriate'. or just too negative. my favourite starfucks girl, candice, was just talking to a... i can't even fuckin say it. i'm pretty sure i'm just gonna end my fuckin life soon. there's really no point in living anymore.

the 'freedom of speech' no longer exists.

this stupid stomach will not stop growling at me. i feel hated by everyone.

dear ps community

i'm really really tired of y'all making me out to be the bad guy. bringing the worst out of me on a daily basis just like any other online community. it's really sad, and it really needs to stop. the level of bullying and abuse on this and every other site is staggering and appalling. not to mention the level of immaturity.

i'm a writer, a poet, a thinker, and i've written some very beautiful poetry, and i've had some astonishing visions of how this world would look if we knew what 'better' actually was. i have a gift of being able to see our potential, and, contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing.

i would like to do open mic. i would like to start a metal band. i would like to start photography. i would like to design my own computer from the ground up that gives each end user full complete control over their own entire desktop environment. i would like to build my own sovereign nation for outcasts like me. i would like to make movies about how this world could be better if physical contact were our only currency. i would like to integrate all of that into one big thing, called 'digital synaesthetix'. imagine walking into your home, you say a few words, and the mood lighting and music match your mood. i can do that. imagine your digital world, your computer desktop, looking like no one else's. i can do that. i have a lot of value in me, and i don't understand why no one else can see it. it's not because it's invisible, it's because you choose not to see it. you choose to see the worst in me, which brings out the worst in me, because i have been abused by the same thing already for so long.

i even have a list of what i call 'mandatory educational material for evolution' (or m.e.m.e. for short), which includes all three zeitgeist documentaries, dmt the spirit molecule, above majestic, both american drug war documentaries, as well as 'what in the world are they spraying' and much more. the easiest way to get informed that i have collected over the years. and i can't even get anyone to watch one with me because you're all always too busy. too busy obsessing over jobs, gods, drugs, or who knows what evil horrible stuff is in your heads that keeps you from accepting me as something royally different than you.

so please. out of the kindness in my heart, between all the scars and wounds, i'm begging you all, please, stop trying to see the worst in me, and try to start appreciating something good about me, so i can stop feeling so abused and persecuted and beaten down, so i can stop having to defend myself, repeat myself, explain myself, constantly, every day, digging through a jungle of assholes just to find one brave unemployed, unaddicted woman capable of accepting me for who i am rather than changing me because i'm just not good enough.

i know i'm good enough for one special woman out there who can see as clearly as i can that money is just another drug, that god is just another drug, that anything the system sells you is just another drug meant for satiation, making you dumber, not smarter, making you weaker, not stronger, making you more common and less younique. i can see it. it doesn't make me your enemy. so please. can we agree to drop the swords and let me find the love i deserve? can we please stop the warfare and start donating love to the cause? please? if you're not going to love me and accept me, is it too much to ask that you kindly step out of the way, and let someone else get my attention? please? i'm begging you all, each and every one of you. i do not deserve these constant blows to the heart. i really don't. and if you seriously cannot see that i'm just defending myself, rather than attacking you... maybe we should just have different sites, different countries, or even different planets.

is it too much to ask that i stop being persecuted for not wanting a job? for wanting a woman who doesn't need a job? for wanting a woman who just enjoys the simple life, and not being tied to an atm everyday?

that's all i want. and i don't think it's too much to ask. ask yourself, if you were me, and this is what you wanted, and instead, you had to slice your way through a thick jungle of hatred, accusations, assumptions, misconstrusions (if that's even a word), and just any form of degradation, isolation, exclusion, humiliation and abuse they can throw... how would that make you feel? if you didn't want a job, and every employed person in this world had to throw a monkey turd at you, and demand that you get a job because how dare you live a different way, how dare you not pay your taxes for a country who rejects you and turns you into a fugitive, a refugee, an animal, running for the hills, the border, or the water, just to catch a breath.

do you have any idea what it feels like to be persecuted?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be condemned?

do you have any idea what it feels like to sacrifice everything, lose everything else?

do you have any idea what it feels like to be the only one who's changing your life? escaping the norm?

please. stop making me out to be the bad guy. stop bringing out the worst in me.

if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. keep your opinions to yourselves.

please. if any woman is going to love me, it cannot be with the wounds you have given me.

stop the condemnation, stop the persecution, stop the misunderstanding.

all i'm looking for is one unemployed and unaddicted woman. should it really be this difficult?

she shouldn't be that hard to find, she probably feels just as abused and crushed as i do.

just as invisible, unwanted, hated, ashamed...

these swords aren't in my hands for a war against you. they're just trying to get you out of the way so i can find love. can you not understand that? please?

i want a woman. which means, males, please stay away from me, do not speak to me, have a little respect.

i want an unemployed woman. which means, any employed women who are too busy... please stay away.

i want an unaddicted woman. which means, any women with addictions to drugs, coffee, money... please.

i really don't think this is too much to ask of seven billion fellow humans sharing a planet together.

i'm even offering to pay someone to be a wingfriend of sorts. if you can help me find a woman like this, i will gladly paypal you a hundred bucks. the longer she sticks around, the more grateful and cooperative i'll be.

but you're never going to get a docile, positive slave out of me. i just cannot be another one of you. there are enough positive people in this world, you shouldn't have to condemn me for choosing to be different.

please. truce? white flags? i will gladly keep my anger to myself, if you can keep your condemnation to yourselves.

i have asked this before.

meicide

i feel like such a fuckin loser.
all i ever wanted was love.
i've sent out too many
unanswered messages like that.
i really don't belong here.
no one's ever gonna fuckin love me.
i've tried to enhance too many
lives that just didn't want it.

kill the rich

these hot fuckin bitches get to have so much fun.
they never sacrifice shit.
they never hurt.
you bitches just will not fuckin look at me.

done

gonna fuckin kill myself.
no one gives a fuck.

exhausted

i am so sick of this life. i have no idea what the hell to do right now. i'm on my laptop, but... i'm sick of positivesingles, everyone on there is too immature to talk to, they just throw insults around, which is pretty odd for a community of people with herpes. you wonder why the fuck they've resorted to throwing insults instead of fucking eachother. i wish i could remind those people, they have herpes, not only does that mean half of the challenge is already out of the way, but... you know... there are two different puzzles, there's the normal people puzzle, and the herpes puzzle, and you're just a piece in a new puzzle, plenty of new pieces to fit with. but they just don't think of it that way, instead, for whatever stupid reason, they think that... because they have herpes, that gives them an excuse to shit on everyone, and blame me for it. why did i get the lifelong scapegoat role. i ordered the lifelong pussy platter.

i pushed my van closer to the starfucks last night. i've only got thirteen bucks left for the rest of the month, which means i can't even get weed, i'm out of weed, i need socks. but i really don't even know what to look for or where to look for it.

...

well... i just spent the last hour talking to tifanee. the main thing i can keep thinking is... i'm not good enough for her. she's sitting across from me talking about pursuing her dreams, i'm sitting here behind the same fuckin barricade of self destruction i can't even agree with.

i really don't feel like i was responsible for destroying myself. i know that's what everyone says. why does everyone else think that... if anything bad happens in your life, it's only your fault, and no one else's... i really cannot understand that perspective, it's so backward and wrong.

if i'm responsible for getting hit by a car, then why do we have cops?

my mind feels fucking stunted. i just sat here talking to her for the last hour. i saw nothing wrong with her at all, i was infatuated. fascinated. but... i just feel like... like when i look for the reflection in her eyes, i just see a turd sitting there. i have no fucking clue what to think.

how come everyone else got a dose of inspiration, and they were able to use theirs, but my dose of inspiration was bigger, and my supportive circle was... nonexistent. abusive.

and then i always get blamed and held responsible for my own abuse. if i was held back in my life, it can only be my fault, not the teachers, not society... not that blame is even necessary, it's not blame i'm trying to aim for here. but shouldn't there come a time when society says 'okay, we get it, we failed you', and at least step out of the way, or... is this even a fuckin debate or not.

i just feel like a useless piece of shit, no matter what anyone says to me, if they tell me the empowering stuff, i still feel like a piece of shit, if they tell me the degrading stuff... i feel the same, there's no difference. i just feel invisible.

she says that when you say those words, you're giving them existence, power...

i've... i don't know what to say. i can't think. my head is just... imprisoned in this shell of what everyone else says, the ancient writings on the cell walls, it's not tradition to me, it's superstition.

i feel that i had tried to think positive before all this shit, and that it got me nowhere, because it doesn't matter if you're thinking positively about your gifts... if no one else is giving a shit about your gifts, where is it going to get you? if you obsess over your gifts and keep shoving them in everyone else's faces, are they going to be more inclined to accept you? or just more annoyed?

think about it, if the only colour on this planet were gold, and you come along trying to sell everyone a silver cheeseburger... do you think they would ever buy it?

or let me put it this way... if this were a truck loving nation, and you traveled from japan at the risk of everything to sell your prius to the americans... what would your sales pitch be?

'i know you guys love your trucks, but look at this thing!'.

yeah, i've never been that guy. i'm not a salesman, so selling my own product to a crowd of shoppers... it's really not what i'm here for. i don't see why you should have to get anyone else interested in your ideas for you to just exist in your own life, why should your success depend on anyone else? but it does. and that's the secret illusion they hide from you at all costs.

they insist that you're on your own. they insist that you have to build your own life. they have other people demonstrating that they have done so.

but ask every single one of those successful people, 'who helped you?'.

find out what support they had. figure out if they actually had to do every little step of the way, every little brick in their building by themselves, with no help from anyone, not one other person ever lifting so much as a brick or a nail, go ahead, i'm already doubled down.

all i see is the way males stare at me. you want me to see anything else?

good people have yet to grace my television screen. good advice has yet to, either.

so i really don't see the 'humanity' that humanity is insisting that i see. it just looks like an illusion to me, filled with the hot air of lies, self justifying propaganda.

i've wanted to dig to the core of this problem since i was born. i was never allowed to, and the reason i say that is the same reason you're already arguing it. i really don't have any faith that you're going to understand that much. in fact, i'm confident i have to rephrase that a few more times before it sinks in. this is just from my personal experience. if i should have had another personal experience...

seems to me like you coulda been there.

but... after talking to tifanee... i just feel like a turd. she walks away, and i'm just left sitting here... i feel like a grandfather on nickelodeon, getting a bucket of green slime dumped on me by some vengeful little shit. crowd pointing and laughing. why do i feel that way?

i don't feel like i have had as much control over my own words as even others may seem to think.

because i've tried putting into my head that i am cool, i am awesome, but...

if i'm thinking that, it only gives me like... fifty points and a one up.

but if she's thinking that i'm awesome... that's a thousand points and five up.

but then again, look at it the other way... if i think she's awesome... that's like taking three gold coins from her, and possibly her lunch, too. so how is any man supposed to think he's cool enough for her to think the same fuckin thing? i really don't see it, the math does not add up.

no, i still just feel like a turd, it doesn't matter what i think, say, or do. if i'm a turd in her eyes, that's all i'm going to feel like, and she can't understand that. any 'she'. any 'her'. any fucking woman.

but she was telling me all this... success... of hers... and... all i have to show is failure, the dreams don't matter for shit if they're just dreams. i could have made the best record on earth, but if it was never burned onto a cd, or etched into a fuckin vinyl or whatever... who the fuck is ever gonna give a shit?

so... that's it. i feel like i just made more of an awkward ass of myself and got no closer to a woman.

she's adorable, and i felt like offering her everything, but...

god... three dominant douchebags just had to walk in and boy... stared at me for about five seconds straight, all three of them, just 'do da lee doo, what the fuck is that...???'.

i can't even think right now, my mind is sauced from talking to tifanee...

...

well, fuck it, now i just spent the last hour arguing with... stupid facebook bitch yet again. the one who constantly has to degrade me and nag me about how horrible i am and that i don't want help despite my pleas. i feel like such a piece of shit. so... i forget what all i was saying anyway, but it's ten am, and i'm gonna go back out to my van, cause i already can't think for shit, too much chaos and interruptions of thought, i never get to think what i want anyway, people just can't stop telling me how i should think. and i am so sick of that. sick and fucking tired of that.

tifanee was trying to say, if you think to yourself 'i am awesome, i am...'... whatever... that it becomes true... but i still always feel like saying... if that were true... wouldn't it have happened by now? wouldn't anyone else but me think i was cool? i mean, i'm forty fuckin years old, what did i miss?

cause i seem to know, that if i had stood in front of otep shamaya ten years ago and said 'i'm fuckin awesome', she would have rolled her eyes like any other empty bitch, and hid behind a fuckin door till security trashed me in a dumpster. you think otherwise? go ahead, spew.

cause we all know, there's a sea of ears under you...

every fucking time

every fucking time i catch a male looking me in the eye...

every fucking time... every fucking day...

it just disturbs the shit outta me. it won't stop. it will not fucking stop.

they will not fucking stop. it's every fucking day. several times a day.

they can't stop staring at me, they can't stop asking me for shit.

why can't they stop? it is so traumatic, so disturbing, that every single fucking one of them has to look into my eyes.

no matter their social status...
whether they're above me or below me...

they have to stare, they have to look me dead in the eye, in the most uncomfortable way, and i cannot fucking stand it anymore, i can't look away quick enough.

i fucking hate this life. i fucking want to die so bad.

just now, talking to the starfucks lady, there's some douchebag standing behind me staring over my fucking shoulder at my fucking desktop... god, get the fuck away from me! you sickening fucking creeps! he's complete scum, long strangly hair, dirty clothes, jeans... scumbag! just staring at me, i can't even talk to another woman without some douchebag being right fucking there! the second i'm done talking to her, i look back, he's just right fuckin there, like 'dude, can i see?'

you make me fucking sick. you make me fucking suicidal.

how many fucking males do i have to tell? stay the fuck away from me!

god, i'm disturbed and shaking to the core of my fucking heart, man.

i feel like this heart's just gonna stop beating if a woman doesn't touch me soon.

even the bitches on positive singles, i swear they're paid by the cia to be as cruel as possible. there's no other excuse. you shit on people, and blame them for doing the same. the shit stops with you, asshole. the abuse stops with you. i fucking want to die.

vile twats

all women can do is belittle me.

i have yet to be proven wrong.

i fucking want to die.

reversal

i really wish women could have looked at me.

i really wish men could have stopped staring at me.

not even fat women will look at me.
not even ugly women will look at me.
not even old women will look at me.
not even homeless women.

but all males have to stare.

you make me so suicidal, i'm surprised i'm still here.

i fucking want to kill myself so bad.

you women make life so miserable.
does it really have to be this impossible to get laid?
do seven billion women have to say no to me?

pussy

i fuckin just wanna fuckin die man.

you bitches are never gonna fuckin look at me.

how many types of women can you think of?

there's the goodie two shoes employee snob prudes that think you're not a human till you're employed and they try to change you and stuff you into some douchebag mold.

there's the drug addicts. i don't even count them.

that's pretty much all i ever get to encounter.

if you know of any others, let me know.

i am still hoping to find an unemployed, unaddicted woman. or, a jobless, drugless, godless woman.

where are the bad girls who rebel against the norm?

seriously, are there any left?