chapbook notes so far

okay. sorry it's taken me this long. a few small edits i have, if it's okay with you and not too much trouble.

the picture of the antler, i assume will be changed to a picture of me holding a sign, which i can try to produce myself since it's far too much to ask of this human species to take a fuckin picture of me, i'm just that ugly. sorry. i'll send a fuckin picture soon. i'm really...

i don't like uppercase letters, and i use them very sparingly, i especially don't like them on short first words of sentences. i know, i'm a fuckin alien, i get it. but it's just little things that drive me nuts and make me feel less... me. please forgive all this shit, i know how weird i am, just please humour me. i can even edit this if you don't want to, if anyone could just show me how. i'm gonna try to talk to sophia at the library again this week and see what more she can help with, but... goddamnit, stop rambling.

sorry. really trying to make sense of this crap in my head. the subtitle thing, 'an introductory dose...', and of course kids have to be running around the starbucks and thinking i'm a fuckin toy. i'm sorry, i can't not write that shit, i apologize for being me too much.

if... i don't even want to ask for this change, this stupid kid running around in front of me is just making me fucking suicidal. making me hate myself to where i really don't care how this comes out or what it looks like to others. this death in the pit of my stomach. i'm really trying here, but i just don't like myself enough.

and i almost just want to add the word 'lonely' to the subtitle thing somewhere. just to tell people... i am not happy in solitude. this starfux is just this kid's fuckin playground, man. between this stomach and the outside world, i'm surprised i can still think at all. please excuse all this babbling, i'm really trying to just get this shit out.

i'm so sorry. i'm just wondering if you'd mind changing the capitalization of the 'an' in the subtitle thing to lowercase. i know it sounds stupid. took me that long just to ask it. fuck it, moving on. and the dedication, all lowercase would be wonderful, except for my mother's name. and maybe underline her name, period after 'twenty fifteen', and thank you for keeping my 'verbally spelled out numbers', that's just something else i really appreciate, never liked numbers.

underline 'about the poet'. and... all lowercase in that paragraph, don't capitalize 'i' please, i hate thinking that highly of myself (that's just a joke, don't take me so seriously there, too many others do, and start putting me down for how little i think of myself... i've told those people a billion times, if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? i'm just sounding dumber and dumber, and feeling exponentially stupid the more i say).

also, add 'atheist' just after anarchist, or even 'godless atheist', just to make it extra clear to all these god people that i really do not want that shit, nor do i need it, because i know if i don't do that, they're all gonna come knockin like jehovas fuckin freaks, god, i fucking hate religious people, why do they have to inflict their delusion on me so relentlessly and make my life a fucking unimaginable hell every moment... can i keep from ranting about fucking anything in this? even when i'm aware that you're already aware of all this horseshit about me? am i really that pathetic and stupid? why can't i stop this shit? i'm really sorry, jennifer. i'm trying as hard as i can. this nightmare hell is just...

actually, if it's okay, i'm gonna update the fuckin about me thing...

'i am the change i want to see in the world.

fuck it. i can't do this right now. minimize, give me a minute.

i don't know what the fuck to say about myself anymore. any way that i have introduced myself, or poetically defined myself... it's done absolutely nothing but drill a hole in this heart. diminish myself. thinner and thinner.

i have no faith in myself anymore.