hello, earth

welcome to evolution hotline!
i'm ozzy draven, soon to be founder and ceo of ozztek industries, doing my own homeless field research to end poverty worldwide in one big shot. i'm also the world's first quantum theoretical televolutionist at evolution hotline, because televangelists have had their time.
i've been homeless for three years, traveling for two, through seattle, portland, san francisco, los angeles (big mistake), and back up here (thankfully), trying to start my own metal band. i'm also trying to start doing open mics, as well as gathering homeless ideas and information here, to get a little organization behind homelessness, so some of us actually get helped out.
i've got a ton of ideas, like turning homelessness into a reality television game show, where homeless people get to demonstrate their talents, (dis)abilities, and willingness to rebuild their lives, and sponsors and donors get to choose the ones they want to rescue, it's better than rescuing a dog. though, some of the homeless people, you might have to treat like dogs, meaning, if they chew up your couch, don't beat the shit out of them with a newspaper, forgive them, teach them, and feed them. we're just like any traumatized dog, we need love, not more abuse.
another idea, is to hire a homeless ambassador (or several) who's capable of spending lots of time searching craigslist for rooms, cars, etc, freecycle, handup, couchsurfing.com, tracking down doctors and therapists, life recovery coaches, any type of sponsor or people willing to donate anything, and making sure it all gets to the right people, by having those people put their needs on lists (they can even be anonymous if they want, have a codename or number), keep an online community where homeless people can ask questions and find resources, and i've always wanted a much more... real time approach to information. i've always pictured a chatroom, where at any one time of any day, there are at least five or six smart, techie, geek type people in the chatroom answering questions. from anything you could google, to anything you could ask carl sagan. and tons of other ideas.
if i can start getting some attention and meeting the right people through open mics, and start a metal band, once i release my first album, i want to kick out the first book, and then try to get ozztek industries started, to design my own computer from the ground up, cause i'm sick of microsoft telling me what i can and can't do on my own desktop. i want to design a computer the way a computer should have been designed in the first place, where each user has full complete control over their own entire desktop environment, you can make it look and work the way you want.
i also want to start my own religion. evolutionism. make it an actual, tax exempt, legitimate religion. use it for two main things; draw a very thick, bold, permanent line between psychedelic and psychotic states of mind. so people can finally understand where i stand. i'm strictly psychedelic. and it's not just the religious sacraments, it's everything associated with it; i.e. peace, love, harmony, equality, balance, serenity, forgiveness, nature, logic, common sense, intellect, humor, evolution. and of course, everything psychotic is the opposite, from bad drugs, to television, bibles, weapons, violence, fear, products, plastic popular stupid shit, credit cards, money, clothing... you get the idea. anything that keeps you living in a bubble instead of living yourself. and the other thing i want to do with my religion, is start a new community, somewhere in the woods in canada or somewhere where there's good weather, no natural disasters, lots of greenery and water, and just start over. from scratch. new monetary system based on forgiveness, common sense, not greed and selfishness and fascism and surveillance.
got a joke for ya. it's possibly the funniest joke of all time. ready?
republicans.
got another joke for ya. what do ladies call bill gates when they see him naked?
microsoft.
you know that plasticy material they make smart phones out of these days? i wanna get nasa to start mass producing that stuff, and build portable, high tech homes out of them, and give them away to the homeless people for free. that's stage two of ozztek industries.
i want to make new genres of metal. i want to have several bands, that go in several different directions. my favourite bands are: devin townsend, delain, deftones, disarmonia mundi... that's just in the 'd' category. sonic syndicate/the unguided, machine head, otep, raintime, sirenia, the birthday massacre, theatre of tragedy, enya. i don't care much for popular shit, i tend to stick to the dark heavy stuff. think black sabbath, not led zeppelin. i like knowing stuff about music that the american coma walking credit tard clones don't know about. i want to be as heavy, fast, and furious as strapping young lad's city. sometimes as morbid as meshuggah and deicide. while still keeping a melodic flow with a kickin' beat to everything. i've never cared much for guitar solos and egotistical shit. i like music that gets your attention, and doesn't repeat and bore the shit out of you like marilyn manson, songs that change, not the 'verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, chorus, end' structure like every metallica song. i don't like default anything, hell, i'm into desktop customization. i want songs that take you on journeys, and still breathe life into you. i want to create a genre of metal called 'visceral cerebral metal'. another called 'metamusical alien metal'. maybe even 'theoretical chemist metal'. all sorts of shit, cause i think metal has gotten boring with trying to limit themselves to the attention of the radio. i want to make metal easier to evolve.
i want to make movies. one of the first movies i want to make, is a movie about a world without money. and just have a few writers try and think of what life might be like in a world without a monetary system of any kind, nor the necessity for one. another movie i want to make is a movie called 'wingman'. have a whole set of rules and everything for a 'buddy system' way to get girls. throw some comedy in there, some romance, and the geeky kid, and you've got yourself a blockbuster. paul rudd has to be in there somewhere.
i also like the x-men movies, and the avengers movies, you know where, in the first avengers, when loki comes to enslave humanity... and at the end, the cia always saves the day, and life goes back to the way it was. or x-men apocalypse, where the ancient mutant dude almost destroys all the superpowers and makes the world safe for evolution... and the cia saves the day and everything goes back to the way it was. and you hear r.e.m.'s 'it's the end of the world as we know it', and you see steve carrell's mugly, and vince vaughn's voice over, and the guy always gets the girl at the end, no matter what the story... you ever wonder how a society might get conditioned in the first place? i want to see the movies where loki does enslave humanity, or apocalypse does take over... and damnit, if stan lee won't right those stories, i will. i want to make those movies. what happens after this? what happens after the change. even in the movie twenty twelve, with john cusack, you don't see much at the end. hey, it's a new world finally, time to roll credits... what? where's the sequel? i wanna see what happens next! so i wanna make those movies. and all sorts of movies with the concept of a moneyless world. just people actually coexisting without fear of eachother, without reason to hurt eachother. john lennon's world, basically. utopia. i don't think science fiction has stretched its imagination far enough.
anyway, without babbling. i also want to collect a bunch of homeless ideas and information here, and have this be like a resource... source for information and crap. yeah, that needs rephrasing. anyway. so here are some of my favourite homeless signs i've seen or made:
betcha can't hit me with a burger.
bet you a dollar you read my sign.
my wife left me for my girlfriend, but don't worry, they're both eating good tonight.
my wife had a better lawyer.
this sign smiles for free. (you gotta draw the word smile in the shape of a smile).
this sign can afford to smile, why can't you?
would you like fries with that?
apparently, one of my signs went viral.
the best nation is a donation.
help wanted! jobs blow!
will work in the nude.
will work for nood.
( . )( . ) do these work?
will smoke for weed.
if you can give a shit, i'll give you three fucks.
stop! in the name of food! before you kill the mood! (it's even funnier if you get up and dance infront of a family of tourists, and put your hand up and shout, 'stop! (and start shaking your ass) in the name of food! before you see me nude!).
my pen vs your wallet.
help! i can't afford a better sign!
my sign kicked your honor student's ass.
my sign made your mom smile.
i'm too ugly to panhandle. (personal favourite).
gitcher truck stuck in the mud? nope, he saw you comin' and dug his way to his own grave! here's yer sign!
i vote that we abolish poverty.
mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be homeless! (gotta have a southern accent).
all change is good change!
i gladly accept cash in the form of credit, debit, sandwiches and smiles! (also hugs and nugs, gift cards, paypal, be creative).
kicked out of mensa for being a smart ass.
penn and teller made me do it. (think outside the rabbit hat on that one).
i froze my ass off! if you see my ass, tell him to get home!
stifler!
donations go to my weed fund charity.
please! spare any weed? (seems to get a lot of smiles).
to trump obama, legalize panhandling next!
my boss was a bigger prick, you owe me twenty bucks.
homeless ideas for sale! one dollar!
and, finally, here's (what i think is) a bunch of mandatory educational material for homeless people. it's good to stay informed, educate yourself. these are just a few things i've seen that have enlightened me, and helped create some of these ideas.
idiocracy, zeitgeist, infowars, in time, limitless, lucy, fight club, dmt: the spirit molecule (fascinating), american drug war: the last white hope, lucky number slevin, god, it feels like i'm forgetting half the list. anything terence mckenna says, comedy by bill hicks, george carlin, sam kinison, denis leary, christopher titus (especially), lewis black, chris rock, ron white. books like the god delusion by richard dawkins, angels don't play this haarp, stepping into the aquarian age, psilocybin mushrooms of the world.
my life was destroyed all through twenty thirteen. i started traveling in june of twenty fourteen. my mother passed away by june of twenty fifteen. i've got two kids i'm trying to get back. i'm glad my life was destroyed, i wanted to be a rockstar for twenty years now, and that's exactly what i should have been doing. so i'm not wasting one more day. if you know anyone trying to start a metal band, or anyone good at programming computers, or anyone with a spot of carpet they'd like me to keep warm this winter... email me.
people with homes can say, 'i rolled out of bed this morning'...
homeless people? i stumbled out of the concrete!
so. this is evolution hotline. if you have any questions, that's what this site is for. leave comments, questions, ideas, phone numbers, emails, poems, informations, ideas, digitations, evolutionating theories, skeptical inquiries, whatever you want. just no delusions and mass hysteria, keep that shit to the other social networks like twitter. this is for poor people, so no fucking ads! no censorship, no politics, no rejection... you get the idea. i'm an anarchist, evolutionist, metalhead, pothead, nudist, father of two, and mainly a writer and professional thinker. i miss my mother. my interests are evolution, psychedelics, metal, comedy, nudity. i have a doctorate in evolution, i have a doctorate in psychedelics, and a master's degree in being a smart ass. i prescribe massive doses of standup comedy to everyone, it's a human requirement to have a good level of jelly in your belly, and a little jiggle in your giggle. tickle your funny bone often. funny bone's connected to the heart bone. don't go gutter on me. my eyes are up there. and the third one's already building utopia, so he's only getting smoke signals and telepathy.
and one more thing. if it seems like i'm hateful and angry, that's because the moment sucks, and i'm sick of talking about the past, and 'where are you from', i'm sick of small talk, there's a lot of things about this american coma society that i hate, like coffee, starfucks, rap music, plastic mannequin people with credit cards, bad drugs, popular shit, television... which is why i'm literally trying to invent my way out of here for good. it's not about the moment now and my hatred and negativity for it that you should be worried about, or offended by, or scared of. it's my love for a better future i wish anyone could find attractive and motivating and inspiring. my ambitions, my dreams, my goals, i'm waiting for someone to find those valuable, i'm waiting to be appreciated, not ignored and told what to do, who to be, how to act, how to dress, what to say. kicked to the side. people have gotten pissed at me before, when discussing this stuff, and asked me, 'what the fuck are you expecting to hear then?'. so i've been thinking about that for a while.
here's what i'd love for someone to say to me:
hey, dude, i understand. i feel the same way you do. i play drums/guitar/whatever, care to hang out?
or even just the minimal:
hey, dude, i'm a pothead, too. plus i have tits and no inhibitions (that part's even optional), wanna smoke a bowl?
or even this:
hey, i have no fears, and i hate the television. wanna text?
or hell, this would be unimaginably helpful:
hey, i produce records, and i know robb flynn, gene hoglan, and otep shamaya. here's otep's phone number, she's expecting you...
fuck, i'd be blown away at that last one. holy shit, it happened...?
so yeah. to all the childish pricks on fetlife... that's what i've been hoping to hear from a fellow human. not your grade school insults and ob(li)vious unacceptance of anything to different. is that positive enough for everyone? did i piss anyone off that time? is there anyone who misunderstands any little fragmental chunk of that? does it sound simple enough to put on youtube? did i phrase that positively enough? did i say anything wrong?
okay. so. that being finally gotten out of me so i don't grow a chunk of cancer... how do i end this now... with a bumpersticker and a few other educational resources, and just some of my preferences in life. so you know me, and don't offer me coffee.
i want to make a bumpersticker: concrete is earth cancer.
more educational material for the homeless: bill hicks, terence mckenna, timothy leary, robert anton wilson, joseph campbell, michio kaku, i miss my book collection. it felt like a severed head trying to remember all the shit i lost. even a lifetime of my own writings and ideas, you wanna talk about trauma, wait till this head grows back, then we'll talk lizard tales. you ever stop to think and forget to start again? happens to me all the time.
i've got complex ptsd, i'm easily triggered when sober, i hate sobriety, i don't think it should be inflicted on everyone, that's just my opinion, but hey, i can have it. anyway. i don't drink coffee, i like hot chocolate. i'm straight, i'd rather date jenny and the bets. i'm antisocial and about as socially awkward as a blind lesbian in a fish market. i've got three blogs, two deviantart pages, to facebooks, a fetlife, a twitter, zero watchers, and a partridge'd family in a dead fuckin' tree. i've been online since the internet was born. i only wear three shades: black, ultra black, and death. i wear trenchcoats not because neo and idiot guntoting teenagers did, but because that's how i feel comfortable. i wear skirts cause she's wearing pants and he's dragging his on the ground. i protest everything popular by being offensively unique. my mother was a revolutionary communist, and the best lesson she ever taught me, she said son, don't just learn from your own mistakes, watch the show cops. she loved the bill maher quote, 'i'm pissed off that not enough people are pissed off', and noam chomsky, 'if you're not pissed off, you're not paying attention'. or maybe that was howard zinn, it's hard to remember at this point. if there's even one name on this page you don't know, please, google it and absorb till your smile gets blasphemous. hellelujah! x-men! praise the lowered! goatcheese.
okay, so, that's the end of today's sermon, ladies and slaves... let's get naked, stoned, and watch 'paul'.
disclaimer: anything said on evolutionhotline is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me logic, and is only the opinion of the founder and ceo, and if  you have any complaints, take it up with tech support. operation sack lunch obviously lacks responsibility for this message, however, ozztek industries gladly takes full responsibility for anything evolved. this message is a work of fiction, any names and facts herein are figments of my imagination, and you're just my delusion. this message is copyright nineteen seventy eight, ozztek industries, and written in gold, stone, blood, tears and bone. this message will self destruct as soon as you read it. enjoy, and have a wonderful day! toodles!
is that fuckin' bright and shiny enough?
all these clones seem to want to hear from me is the shiny happy shit, while failing to realize, i don't do shiny happy shit cause i'm a metalhead, not a fearful, fragile weakling coward, but hey, keep telling me how to be you, cause that's what fuels my happyness.
smile!, this shit ain't real!
there is no spoon, man!