thanks for what

okay, so... the library's closed today. i really need to use a restroom soon. ihop's gonna be crowded. there's a thanksgiving dinner thing i need to get to. i need to do some thinking, and i don't know what to do. i need to do google searches and watch youtube shit to learn what i need to do here in los angeles to meet the right people, and not get fucked by the wrong ones. cause apparently, they're all over the place here.

there's still something i'm not understanding, can't figure out. i don't know if it's even 'how to be social', or... 'where to go to find people', or 'do i really want to sit on a bus and put two dollars in the slot'. i do not like spending money on bus rides. whatever little money i have, is weed, smokes, or food. so i've got till december first to figure out what to spend my money on. that's twosday. this is thursday. five days. can i do this without help.

google searches. youtube. how the fuck do i meet people, that's what i need to google, but that doesn't translate. where do i go. what part of town would have a person i could meet that i could actually trust, which it's unlikely that would be anyone at this point, i don't know anyone, but if such a person existed, where would they be, how would i know, how would i meet them, and what the fuck face do i need to put on? traveling and being social, i've had to wear so many faces, i'm not sure what they want to see. my first impressions are fucked anyway, but i'm sick of trying to dominate conversations when i'm clearly not the focus in these mouthflapping idiots' minds. people can't listen anymore, so trying to find anyone to listen to me is going to be pointless. i'm fucked.

so i communicate online at least. i find people in places where i can finish sentences. okay, where is that. google websites for los angeles what? hangouts? do i start using meetup, and meeting those people? or are they all too normal and opinionated?

fuck, maybe i need to figure out which talent i want to pursue first, which i still haven't been able to focus on. is now the time to try? fuck it, i'll just start trying to answer my own questions as if i'm someone else, cause no one else is ever going to answer with anything i want to hear anyway. i've got five days. what do i do today.

is there a chatroom i wonder. being allergic to money, it's not going to be easy talking to anyone here. they snort that shit, then wipe their nose with it, then stuff it in their bra. god, what the fuck am i doing here.

i come to los angeles to find what i need, but it's also full of everything i'm trying to get away from, what a fucking conundrum, yeah, there's really a god up there who designed this shit. when are religious people going to get a clue. fuck off with your toxic breath. get away from me. thanks, god, for putting every possible obstacle in the one place i need to be at the moment, that's... that's intelligent design. how the fuck do i wade through this pool to find... ah, duh, that's it. where's maynard? he'll know what to do. duh, telepathy.

what would maynard do. fuck jebus mcbeiber. what would maynard do. okay, maynard. come on, buddy, los angeles. point me in a direction. where are there no assholes. is that what i should be asking. where is what. what am i even looking for.

music. open mic. books. movies. clothing. food. computers. religion. ozztek industries. church of evolution. from there...? do i even remember what else was next? how much can i accomplish here before i can get the fuck out of here, buy a castle in ireland, and disappear. what goals of mine are still realistic? simplify the shit.

first album.
first book.
open mic.
try to find geeks.

but the religion would help with all that, i just need to find someone who can do (or has done) the research on how to start an actual religion, and i don't know how the fuck to find that yet, other than hours of youtube which i'm not up for just yet. but i need to start doing a lot of youtube, whether i like it or not. information. what do i do.

god, this shit's confusing. why the fuck do people do this. trying to bring my head down to the los angeles concrete level... it's fucking painful. but i've been in the clouds too long. not translating to people.

i didn't learn much in that area from my family, oddly enough. i told you, they were social butterflies, but had no clue what they were saying. i had a clue, but wasn't heard. that's the past i'm just stumbling out of, and tired of talking about. so how do i speak stupid? google doesn't translate poetry to stupid.

mensa needs to be done at some point, but i'm not sure those idiots would understand me any better. opinions are the poison of a conversation. you can fuckin' quote me on that. an opinion can suffocate a good debate. that's the bumpersticker version. copyright my fuckin' black ass.

what the fuck can i do. five days. today, i google. tomorrow, i youtube. the weekend, i rest, watch movies. i can do this sober, it's only five days, and then i can look forward to getting myself stoned. alone.

i really like being alone. and that's still top priority. i need to get a place to live and be alone. be able to shut the fucking door. keep it shut. lock it. i have to have my own space here soon, my body can't do this shit much longer. so what do i spend my money on next month? a cheap motel? and then panhandle for food, smokes, and weed the rest of the month? i fucking hate panhandling! unless i can find a good enough spot, and get enough that i could actually put some in the bank at the end of each day. i need to equal out again how much... well... goddamnit.

it's been too long. what i used to do, that might have actually worked had anyone else involved listened, but that was never the case, so this never actually got to work, but now that i'm alone... if i could only have some quiet thinking space, i could figure this shit out again, but i used to add up how much i smoked and ate each day, and subtracted that from the month money and shit like that...

when i'm panhandling, this is what i usually live on. five bucks gets me a pack of smokes, that lasts me a day. another five bucks, i eat for the day. two bucks left at the end of the day, that's a hot chocolate the next morning. i try to get free weed, but i just have to face the harsh reality that there's no such thing anymore. that dream is dead and gone. i think maybe that's what i've been realizing lately, is that most of my dreams are outdated or gone. or will fail to translate, unless i can be the only one behind it, and to do that, i need a place of my own. what i've always pictured, is having a big fucking castle in ireland, surrounded by a moat. it would have my own recording studio, a little movie production studio thing where i could make videos, however long, however made, whether digitally created, or filmed, whatever i can get. have the house filled with naked female slaves who help me do everything. have one trained to record whatever audio really well, so when i want to write a song, i get her and we head to the studio room. or if i want to film something, get my camera girl, shit like that. writing, voice recorder, whatever.

so... december first, i'll have about a thousand dollars. how much is a cheap motel for the month. that phone call needs to be made, that price needs to be found out, and written in a notepad. i'm hoping i can get one for only about six hundred. that leaves hopefully four hundred for smokes and weed, but i can't spend any money on food this month. i can never control that, it's too easy when i'm hungry to just walk into a subway, with my own money, and buy a sandwich, and enjoy it. it's too fucking expensive, i can't do it. i have to stop. when i get hungry, sitting there and begging for food is retarded, and leaves no enjoyment. but i cannot spend money on food anymore, it's worse than the weed. the weed is way too expensive, leaving my cheapest priority cigarettes. what the fuck.

i need weed. if i have a place to stay, i can get boxes of oatmeal and cereal and shit. i can't even remember now what home foods i still liked.

i know i need oatmeal. cereal. shit... what foods do i still like? i just blew my own mind. realized i hadn't thought of that in a while. what the fuck foods do i like? especially if i'm still sticking to the cheap ones. i haven't been in a store in so long. i'm sick of noodle anything, i know that. pasta and breads are mostly out. i need meats, veggies, fruits, salads and shit. sandwiches, only if the meat to bread ratio is even. the last quiznos i had, that claudia bought me, had almost no meat, i felt bad, i should have asked the quiznos lady for extra, but then it would have cost claudia, i hate when i'm caught in those fucked situations. trying to give claudia a good impression of quiznos, and we get sandwiches that have no fucking meat, minimal flavour. why was it so good when i introduced... my wife to it.

i've gotta stop saying that, too. i think it's giving people the wrong idea. i need to stop talking about my past period. i'm sick of it. my kids are all that i should bring up, and that's only at the right time. my mother being dead, leave that in the past. my wife, the mother of my children, my old computer, stop talking about all of it. the traveling, the trip, the other cities, just focus on the next five steps, and nothing behind me. that's my new daily routine, actually, that's a good idea.

daily steps: food, smokes, weed, wifi.
big steps: first album, first book, open mic.
small steps: find metalheads, write blogs, and... motivation for stage.

i need to email claudia, sandra, carol, and (wings of laughter) monique. i need to call sarah.

i'll focus on those first.

then i need to use meetup.com, bandmix.com... what else. should i do craigslist? i say no, i hate that site. what other sites. save them on my bar and phone. freecycle? couchsurfing.com?

goddamnit.

is there a roommates.com i wonder. although... should i even try that. i was thinking a guest house in someone's backyard, but this is so not tucson. i don't think there are any small houses in this city. and what about transportation then? i really need to look into getting my own hippie van, and just parking it wherever, but then i still have to worry about a restroom every night, wifi. what the fuck do i do?

i need the motel. to think, at the very least. i need weed. do i get a card again?

next month priorities:

new id.
new weed card.
motel.

at least i still have the laptop, so that's no longer a priority, and i like my phone. so, i guess i haven't rethought my priorities since i finally got those two done. how long has it been since i've thought about this? how long was i trying?

anyway, i have laptop and phone taken care of, so now... what were the other priorities? i really need to use a restroom, and i'm so sick of seeing so many fucking cops driving by here, goddamnit! how many of you do there have to be, seriously? my focus is fucked because of you and hot women, i can't think for five seconds anymore.

maybe i need to give in and adapt to that. just never getting to think to myself anymore. constantly coming up for air and getting tiny little breaths, instead of sitting on shore. this is what the aquarius book said, and i've always loved that part, but living it is different.

can i appreciate doing it all alone. can i learn to appreciate being alone. can i give up on ever being touched again.

everything else is just too much chaos. the waves never stop. my mother's not here anymore to show anyway, so this is... eyes forward to the end of the road, now. basically. dive in the water, and never look back.

fuck it. might as well. nothing to look back to. i really thought this life would have more to offer than that.

childhood was boring, lonely, and fucked. what's forward from this moment has to be better than anything behind.

what is past is prologue. mine's not even much of a prologue. i need to write. i need to lay out my dreams in an orderly fashion of whatever sort. i need to make sense of the rubble that's left. and to do that, i need thinking time, in a room, without people. i need to spend this month's money on a motel, that's all there is to it. that's what this money is going toward, and i cannot decide on anything else. i'll have to buy as much weed as i can, maybe two cartons of smokes if i can swing it, and as much oatmeal as i can with what's left. oh, yeah, what foods. that's where i was. what's cheap? i can stock up on ramen, but i'll get tired of that real quick. can i do a month of it? maybe.

sandwich stuff. ramen. i won't even have a fridge or a microwave, so making the food will be difficult, especially if there are stairs involved.

i need a hot chocolate and an oatmeal every morning. lunch, do a sandwich, or some cheap hot dog or burrito, or panhandle for whatever's around the area. been trying to get more chinese food lately, but i still love mexican food so much, i can never choose when i have to. those quick moments don't make for good decisions, especially when you're trying not to piss someone off who's helping you. but lunch, sandwiches, burritos, cheap shit. i'm getting sick of hot dogs. pizza is cheap and lasts a while. i need to stay away from the sugary shit. stick to what's simple and filling. and cheap. a daily plan. even make a phone schedule of alarms for things. i know it's too nerdy for you, but i don't give a fuck what you think, remember? hopefully you've kept track that far at least. if not, you shouldn't be here. already said that, too, but it's further back. my rewind button is broken. but anyway. then, what for dinners. what the fuck dinner food do i still like anymore? that doesn't require an oven or microwave. and i'm not doing microwave shit anymore, i'm sick of that shit. i feel like every time i eat out of a microwave, i'm chewing on nuclear cancer.

dinners. i can't keep doing nothing but cheap burritos and sandwiches all month, i need some variety. where do they have good meat with veggie combos. i'll google that one, too. i know i can find that somehow. there's gotta be an 'app' for which foods you prefer, and where to find them. and not vegetarian fake meat shit, and fuckin' tofu. who the fuck eats that? do you even know what it's made of? it can't be good. if it's made by the cia and full of poisonous shit, how would you ever know? it's the fuckin' cia, retard. don't eat tofu. stick to something that was previously breathing. until the cia is gone and we can trust where our food is coming from, vegetarians are mental. sorry, that's the way i see it. we can't trust anything at this point. i'll eat a salad and a steak, but if it looks processed through some machine, keep it the fuck away from me. if it comes out in little square cubes, i'm wondering who's ass it's coming out of. there's some dude walking around with a food factory in his robotic belly, and he's shitting out processed foods and processed popstars. i'm gonna find that fucker someday, and impale him on a parking meter, but till then, i'll stick with what looks like food. and you can take that as a metaphor for people as well. meat, salads, fruit. fuck the carbs.

i never quite got to figure out what veggies i like. i know i like broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. never been a big fan of peas and corn and shit like that. green beans are nasty. i'll stick to the trusted ones for now, until i figure out more later. fruits, i like the tropical shit, never like berries or anything like that. i miss the big fuckin' oranges in san francisco. glide had some good fucking oranges, i'll always miss those. seattle had good cupcakes. and oatmeal.

if i could find a homeless feeding place down here that feeds three times a day, that would take care of the food. i used to tell people in the other cities, that i know where to find free food, yeah... not anymore. los angeles is fucked. all the homeless shit's downtown, or way too far of a walk. i need to find somewhere i can stay plugged in, and still be able to get to all the shit i need. usually, a seven eleven has to be close by, so i can get my smokes cheap enough. weed, i can find that close enough, and not have to go that often. food is going to be difficult through december. but i'm getting a cheap motel. i need to get working on that today.

so what do i do now. at starbucks, i can't stay here much longer and watch movies. i'll dig the paper out of my case about the thanksgiving thing, and head down there. i'll come back here and sit for the night, and watch movies in my spot. tomorrow, i need to use the library and youtube educate myself on what's in this city. reading has never been easy for me unless i'm in the mood, which is rare. i have to have enough time for that shit, or i can't focus. it's like pausing a movie for me, i can't do it. so, okay. thanksgiving dinner today, then movies. tomorrow, youtube the fuck out of this city. meet people online. talk to someone. find chatrooms. fuck facebook. permanently. don't let anyone talk me into getting a new one. ever. fuck facebook. unless a hacker can get my two old accounts back someday, i'm done with facebook for good. i want those two accounts merged into one, honestly. without losing a fucking letter.

anyway. go to dinner now! stop thinking! shut up! finish off the night with movies, don't ask anyone for weed, you'll never find it, and it will detour you anyway, so just don't fucking do it. what else.

tomorrow, library. panhandling.

and actually, i won't get paid till thursday, which is a week away. seven days. so on thursday, i need to use my debit card to get me to the dmv, get my new id, get to a motel, get the room, get to a weed doctor and get a new card, get weed, two cartons of smokes, food, and rest for a month.

new id.
motel.
weed.

possible cartons. and oatmeal. i think i can do that alone. couple bus rides, a little google mapping.

and do not think about female anything! keep your fucking head down! metal in your ears!

your old life is gone. it's time to let it go. stop talking about it. they can read your blog.

just focus on... first album, first book, open mic. simplify everything. you won't get to start the computer or religion deals just yet, so put them on the back burners, and deal with the people until then.

the dominoes have completely changed order. not that they were ever quite set up. but i never had anyone to help me, and no time to think about it myself. now that i'll have time during december, i need to blog almost everything. but then the hard part is going back to it and reading over it again. i haven't had time for that in a long time.

anyway. tonight. dinner, movies. tomorrow, library. try to panhandle on the way? eugh. just map the address and go. keep your metal in your fucking ears, no excuses! and do not give out a cigarette. not even one.

i think my brain is good now. i have a much smaller set of things to focus on for now. that's all i've needed help with this whole time, and no one could help me do just that slightest little bit. i fucking hate all you people. when judgement day happens, don't expect any help from me. you're on your own. i'll give this world my visions, but i don't even expect any appreciation, cause i know i wouldn't see it for another thousand years anyway. no one lives that long. just heard the lyric in the song i'm listening to, i think tiamat. 'cause everything beautiful dies'. no, i was wrong, there's a lady singing, it's tristania, tender trip on earth. i love this song. haven't heard it in so long. especially with bass.

anyway. mama, i can't focus anymore. you're not here to tell. okay, so. go to dinner. stop thinking. it's out of your head finally. you can come back to this later. no one will help you. find space in your own head again. live in the shadows. disappear. i get to end the year being alone, at least. that's nice. not as painful as the end of twenty thirteen, that's good. motel.

everything beautiful dies.

i'll give this world my visions, but as far as support, you can fuck yourselves. don't ask me for shit. cigarettes, food, nothing. my vision will fix all that shit, so you can leave me alone. no one gives me weed, so why the fuck should i help you.

i understand what my therapist told me, don't think so black and white, and honestly, i don't, i still acknowledge in my own mind, the few who have helped me. for example, claudia bought me a dime, and she doesn't even smoke. sandra smoked with me those few times. i never forget you guys. it's just that there are so few of you in this fog, and so much linear time between us, so many miles, so many obstacles. and so many other assholes.

anyway. finally got a cloud blocking the sun, i feel like my face is fried with the colonel's special recipe.

i've gotta go. google map the location on my phone, and start walking. i won't get to use a restroom today, it will have to wait till i get back to my spot tonight, and i'll go to ihop, and do not ask anyone for weed! stop!

i also wanted to put my enya and enigma collections on my phone, but that might have to