still

for how much longer do i have to be this lonely?
what the fuck does it take to make a fucking friend these days?
how long will it take for someone to get their head out of their ass and be a genuine human?
how much longer must i be invisible, ignored, unwanted, rejected.
i would give anything for just a hug at this point.
i have posted so many messages all over fetlife, meetup, sent emails to a voice for men and the venus project, i never hear anything back, i wake up every morning, not one fucking text or anything. i've been begging for my type of people, i've been begging endlessly, relentlessly for anonymous encounters. trying to express my interests hoping someone might reciprocate, but no one ever does, they all just fear me for no intelligible reason. i'm so sick of that.
when? when, lord, when? when the fuck will i find anyone like me?
i have posted countless messages all over the internet. i have sent out as many emails as i could think of. and no one will ever fucking respond! what the fuck am i doing wrong? what does it take to get a fucking response? or a comment on my fucking blog? anything! anything from a fucking human! smoke signals, i don't care, fucking say something! i'm still the only one fucking talking about this shit, feeling delusional, like utopia is just a figment of my imagination, and no one else's, meanwhile you have gods and imaginary friends, and you're not delusional only because you're the majority.
if everyone believed in the same god, how special does that make you? how unique does that make you?
i can't fucking breathe anymore.
i can't fucking think anymore.
i can't even fucking cry anymore.
i just ache for death.
everyone is always too busy living their own lives to give a fuck about mine. they act like giving a fuck about my life is asking too much, and they promote loneliness to poor people like it's the best new product since gold. i'd like to be busy living my own life, but i've never been allowed to, and trying to convince anyone of that is pointless, because everything is just always my fault no matter what it is, and if i'm too lazy or whiny to get a job and do everything on my own until i make enough money to where some shiny fake female is attracted to my wallet more than she is me, then maybe that's success, and perhaps that's the only kind of success i'll ever find in this world, so i should just be happy with that, and what the fuck am i doing complaining about this wonderfully perfect world where everything's legally defined as 'this fair'.
that's why i'm hellbent on thinking of a new way. a new way for poor people to succeed without all these ludicrous restrictions and strict rules... i tried telling dana the other day.... those stupid rules you put up around poor people, to keep us separated... that's the reason we're all hurting in the first place! you need to shove your rules up your ass and stop shooting down all my ideas because 'we have rules'. fuck your rules. you need to get that through your thick fucking skulls. your rules are a sickness, and they are not perfect, thus you're neglecting those beneath you because of them. they're excuses for why you can't care for your fellow human. that is all they are. and the more you justify them, the more your world decays in our eyes. excuses.
i had this wonderful idea. a lonely anonymous group. i told her all my ideas about it, like having sponsors, just like alcoholics anonymous... she says 'we can't do that, no one's going to want to take the call of a whiny lonely loner loser in the middle of the night... i'm paraphrasing, but that's basically what she said. so alcoholics can whine and answer eachother's calls at two in the morning, but people who are genuinely lonely... we're just supposed to stay that way because who the fuck would ever want to love us, right?
alcoholics can be loved. drug addicts can be loved. but not me. every excuse in the book to not give a fuck about me.
the programs you have set in place to help the homeless do not help me. you're just going to have to accept that. you have failed where you think you're king of the mountain. exactly where you were trying to help, you have hurt. all because you let your leaders fuck you in the ass for too long.
when is control no longer necessary?
when can humanity stand on their own without the training wheels?
when can we raise our standards collectively?
when can we stop making excuses?
when can we stop hating those below us, and realize the enemy is above us?
the rule that hurts us the most, is your stupid 'privacy policy' bullshit. we don't need it. we've never been able to benefit from it. it costs too much, and we don't want it in the first place, we don't need it, we never have. why you need that much security and safety, we'll never know, other than how paranoid and fearful you are, but we truly cannot understand why you need that. at least, i can't. it's just an excuse to separate, to divide and justify, and you can't even admit that. but the picture is simple, you are inside a secure building, and those of us who don't require the same protection for fears, are outside that building.
that's why i think... everyone with a house... is pampered and spoiled.
docile. complacent. submissive. apathetic.
i don't think i'm ever going to make a friend who has enough spare time to be a friend.
i don't even see the point to friends anymore, when the fuck do you get the time to enjoy them? this is so stupid. this whole bullshit that i've heard adults say repeatedly, religiously, ever since i was a kid, and i still can't express to them how stupid i think it is, but i really wish i could. the fact that you get out of school just to get dumber and follow orders the rest of your life for a paycheck. first of all, my disagreements with school in the first place. it kills your childhood. the way your childhood should be spent.
i kept screaming this line in jail...
i'd rather stay a child and keep my self respect if being an adult means being like you.
because the jail guards kept calling me a child while they were acting like children.
anything with a badge is automatically justified with no effort.
then, you get out of school... which just stunted the growth of your brain by boring the shit out of you in a stale, stagnant room for ten years, killing your energy and adrenaline that you should naturally have as a child. then, you step out of there, and get a job. then, out of your own shame and humiliation, you force others to do so, with the excuse of 'well, i had to do it, there's no excuse why you can't'. yeah, what if i don't want your professional frown? your handcrafted misery? i don't want it.
is that still the only option in life?
and if so, how can you still not think that's fucking retarded? why can't you see how fucking retarded that is? what the fuck is wrong with your perception that you're incapable of seeing that? we don't have to live like you!
so here's your life that you're so proud of, not to mention it's identical to the lives of your ancestors for who knows how far back... but here's your life:
birth
school
job
death
boy, so very interesting! and your father, and his father, and his father? wow, that's impressive! your mama must be proud!
now here's my life, just for your information.
birth
fuck school, dropped out as soon as i could
spent twenty years educating myself about psychedelics and evolution, which you can't even teach in schools because your fears are precisely that out of control.
now i'm trying to pursue every talent i've ever imagined
tomorrow, i might be a rockstar.
the next day, i might be a photographer.
the next day, i might be a tech designer, a ceo.
the next day, i'll be starting my own religion.
the next day, maybe i'll write a few books.
the next day, maybe i'll make a few movies.
the next day, maybe i'll design my own line of clothing, or open my own restaurant and invent my own foods.
the next day, i might invent high tech portable homes for the homeless.
and you're still better than me why?
you still can't develop the balls to look at me why?
my ambition alone outweighs all your success. mainly because your 'success' has gotten us here... to this teetering concrete structure of restrictions where you refuse to listen to those who dislike it, or those who are being fucked by it, which you justify with more excuses, reinforcing your hypocrisy with any lie you can orally shit out on the spot.
my ambition looks beyond this mess you've dragged us through. to something better.
only those who think they're truly the be all end all to human existence on this planet would ignore those who dislike their idea. meanwhile, i can't find anyone to show any interest in my ideas because that television is just so fucking awesome, it's better than god, it's more entertaining than gladiators, and it's just as cheap as religion and drugs.
i want brain scan images describing what drugs do to your brain, and i want to compare those to brain scans of religious people, and television addicts, because i want to see the differences, or more importantly, the similarities between how those drugs affect your brains.
my point is... i'm still painfully lonely. neglected, rejected, blown off, kicked out, unwanted, ignored... no one will return any of my messages or anything. everyone's too busy living their own lives to give a fuck about mine, let alone even leaving a comment on my blog, that's too much to ask apparently. and this society calls me lazy constantly.
you have a home. which makes you lazy, pampered, spoiled, whiny, and hypocritical.
if you think i'm lazy, why don't you walk in my footsteps.
they say the secret to shapeshifting is to walk a mile in another man's shoes.
but then you have to consider... all the shoes i've walked in.
all the men who have told me who to be, how to live, and what to say.
all the badges who have called me a loser, or stupid, or idiot.
you can keep thinking that i wasted twenty years. but i know it wasn't a complete waste.
are you aware that you even have an enemy?